I have just published a children's book
called Opposites and here's what it looks like.
It doesn't cost too much, and they let me do the drawings.
I don't know whether you can see the Leonardo
quality of these drawings from where you are.
Anyway, these poems are based on a little family
game, which we played a few times while the children were
growing up.
You only need one logical child in your family
and you can play this game.
There are no-- there's no procedure to it, no rules.
It just consists of this, somebody,
anybody says, "what is the opposite of Earth?"
And then somebody says, "sky" and then the pious child
across the table says, "no, no, heaven" and perhaps
other possibilities are proposed.
When you've got all the possibilities said,
then you move on to something else.
Well, these are some opposites.
What is the opposite of nuts?
It's soup.
Let's have no ifs and buts.
In any suitable repast, the soup comes first,
the nuts come last.
Or that is what sane folk advise.
You're nuts if you think otherwise.
The opposite of standing still is walking up or down a hill,
running backwards, creeping, crawling, leaping off a cliff,
and falling turning somersaults in gravel
or any other mode of travel.
What is the opposite of cheese?
For mice, it's anything you please.
So fond are they of cheese, that mice think
nothing else is very nice.
I too like cheese I must admit, I'm
certainly not opposed to it.
For some reason, people always seem
to feel that's a little unbearably arch,
I don't know why.
What is the opposite of riot?
It's lots of people keeping quiet.
[LAUGHTER]
The opposite of making faces is not indulging in grimaces,
wrinkling your nose with tongue stuck out,
and rolling both your eyes about,
but letting eyes and mouth and nose remain entirely in repose.
It's true however, that a very fixed expression can be scary.
The opposite of squash, offhand I'd
say that it might be expand enlarge, uncrumple, or inflate.
However, on a dinner plate with yellow vegetables and green,
the opposite of squash is bean.
[LAUGHTER]
What is the opposite of actor?
The answer is very simple, tractor.
I said that just because it rhymes,
as lazy poets do at times.
However, to be more exact, an actor
is one who likes to act King Lear in some unlikely plot
pretending to be what he's not.
The opposite of actor, friend, is
someone who does not pretend, but is himself like you and me.
I'm Romeo, who might you be?
[LAUGHTER]
The opposite of donut, wait a minute while I meditate,
this isn't easy.
Ah, I've found it.
A cookie with a hole around it.
[LAUGHTER]
Not to have any hair is called hairlessness or being bald.
It is a fine thing to be hairy, yet it's not always necessary.
Bald heads on men are very fine particularly if they shine.
And who conceivably could wish to see a hairy frog or fish?
Some creatures though do well to wear a normal covering of hair.
I don't think I should care to know
those hairless dogs of Mexico who ramble naked out of doors
and must be patted on their pores.
[LAUGHTER]
What is the opposite of July?
That's hard to answer, but I'll try.
In San Francisco and Quebec, Duluth, Bigfork, Mamaroneck,
and every other city here in the Upper Western hemisphere,
July can be extremely hot, but far to southward it is not.
The month can be extremely chill in Paraguay or in Brazil
and furthermore, July can mean a blizzard also in Argentina.
These unexpected facts are why the opposite of July is July.
The opposite of well is sick.
Another answers to be quick and tell
what you have got to tell without a lot of well, well,
well.
This is a very unbalanced one.
The opposite of tiller--
well, it's when some farmer in the dell
has grown so lazy that by now he lacks the energy to plow.
A bowsprit also comes to mind.
Since like a tiller, it's a kind of stick
and since on sailing craft, the bowsprit's for the tiller aft.
I also think of butter, brads, shoe polish, cannon,
shoulder pads, daisies, and stock exchange,
and goat since none of these can steer a boat.
The opposite of spit I'd say would be a narrow cove or Bay.
There is another sense of spit, but I refuse to think of it.
It stands opposed to all refined and decent instincts
of mankind.
What is the opposite of mirror?
The answer hardly could be clearer.
It's anything which on inspection, is not
all full of your reflection.
For instance, it would be no use to brush your hair
before a moose or try a raincoat on for size while looking
at a swarm of flies.
The opposite of opposite, that's much too difficult, I quit.
[APPLAUSE]