WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.470 align:middle line:90% 00:00:01.470 --> 00:00:04.830 align:middle line:84% Well, that poem talks about an old man who is dying. 00:00:04.830 --> 00:00:09.660 align:middle line:84% And I'd like to read an awfully unpleasant poem about him. 00:00:09.660 --> 00:00:10.470 align:middle line:90% He was an old man. 00:00:10.470 --> 00:00:13.050 align:middle line:84% I saw his name today on a store in town here. 00:00:13.050 --> 00:00:14.040 align:middle line:90% It really shook me up. 00:00:14.040 --> 00:00:19.260 align:middle line:84% His name was Fritz Jarck, and I saw the name Jarck on a store 00:00:19.260 --> 00:00:23.100 align:middle line:84% someplace, J-A-R-C-K. I haven't seen it since this man was 00:00:23.100 --> 00:00:25.410 align:middle line:90% my patient. 00:00:25.410 --> 00:00:27.450 align:middle line:84% I used to work in a Veteran's Administration 00:00:27.450 --> 00:00:31.170 align:middle line:84% hospital in Iowa City while I was a student there. 00:00:31.170 --> 00:00:32.980 align:middle line:84% And I went to work there thinking 00:00:32.980 --> 00:00:34.660 align:middle line:84% it was a good kind of work to be doing. 00:00:34.660 --> 00:00:37.650 align:middle line:84% I was a recently converted Quaker, convinced, 00:00:37.650 --> 00:00:41.292 align:middle line:84% and thought that was a good kind of work to be doing. 00:00:41.292 --> 00:00:42.750 align:middle line:84% I thought most of my patients would 00:00:42.750 --> 00:00:45.210 align:middle line:84% be boys who'd been shot up in the Korean War which was just 00:00:45.210 --> 00:00:49.020 align:middle line:90% then ending, if it ever ended. 00:00:49.020 --> 00:00:53.402 align:middle line:84% And was very much amazed to get there and find out 00:00:53.402 --> 00:00:55.860 align:middle line:84% that the hospital wasn't at all what I thought it would be. 00:00:55.860 --> 00:00:58.062 align:middle line:90% We only had-- let's see. 00:00:58.062 --> 00:01:00.270 align:middle line:84% The whole time I was there there was only one patient 00:01:00.270 --> 00:01:02.520 align:middle line:84% from the Korean War and he was on a ward 00:01:02.520 --> 00:01:05.970 align:middle line:90% I wasn't even allowed to enter. 00:01:05.970 --> 00:01:10.140 align:middle line:84% We had five or six patients from my war and everybody else 00:01:10.140 --> 00:01:12.750 align:middle line:84% was from World War I, very elderly men 00:01:12.750 --> 00:01:15.120 align:middle line:84% for whom there was very little you could do. 00:01:15.120 --> 00:01:18.555 align:middle line:84% They just needed continual care, good food, a lot of rest. 00:01:18.555 --> 00:01:22.182 align:middle line:90% 00:01:22.182 --> 00:01:24.570 align:middle line:84% It made it a very different kind of hospital 00:01:24.570 --> 00:01:26.850 align:middle line:84% than anything I had anticipated and one that made it 00:01:26.850 --> 00:01:29.580 align:middle line:84% a great deal harder to somehow sugarcoat 00:01:29.580 --> 00:01:32.250 align:middle line:84% the very bitter pill of ever having to work 00:01:32.250 --> 00:01:34.980 align:middle line:84% or ever having to do anything I didn't want to do, 00:01:34.980 --> 00:01:38.440 align:middle line:84% anything that meant serving someone else. 00:01:38.440 --> 00:01:40.110 align:middle line:84% And in this case you couldn't get it up 00:01:40.110 --> 00:01:43.980 align:middle line:84% under some kind of rationale about helping 00:01:43.980 --> 00:01:47.970 align:middle line:84% somebody who had been damaged in a desperate case. 00:01:47.970 --> 00:01:50.910 align:middle line:90% No, it was just dirty ugly work. 00:01:50.910 --> 00:01:53.550 align:middle line:84% When you came to a man like Mr. Jarck, 00:01:53.550 --> 00:01:56.730 align:middle line:84% it got dirtier and uglier and began 00:01:56.730 --> 00:01:59.310 align:middle line:84% to make less and less sense the more you did of it. 00:01:59.310 --> 00:02:01.980 align:middle line:84% Mr. Jarck was not expected to live out the first night 00:02:01.980 --> 00:02:03.570 align:middle line:90% that he came there. 00:02:03.570 --> 00:02:05.550 align:middle line:84% Three months later, I came to work there 00:02:05.550 --> 00:02:06.630 align:middle line:90% and he was still there. 00:02:06.630 --> 00:02:08.047 align:middle line:84% I took one look at him and thought 00:02:08.047 --> 00:02:10.680 align:middle line:84% he was dying of his bed sores but no, he 00:02:10.680 --> 00:02:12.840 align:middle line:90% was dying of lung cancer still. 00:02:12.840 --> 00:02:16.590 align:middle line:84% And he lasted out about eight or nine months. 00:02:16.590 --> 00:02:20.370 align:middle line:84% Toward the end of that time, as many as eight of us 00:02:20.370 --> 00:02:22.500 align:middle line:84% were pouring our full working day 00:02:22.500 --> 00:02:25.268 align:middle line:90% into only keeping him alive. 00:02:25.268 --> 00:02:27.310 align:middle line:84% And you know you get to asking yourself if you're 00:02:27.310 --> 00:02:29.500 align:middle line:90% making any sense at all. 00:02:29.500 --> 00:02:32.590 align:middle line:84% Are you saving him for anything but more pain? 00:02:32.590 --> 00:02:35.230 align:middle line:90% Or for more drug, more deadness. 00:02:35.230 --> 00:02:37.150 align:middle line:84% He's had so much drugs at this point 00:02:37.150 --> 00:02:38.500 align:middle line:90% you know he can never be well. 00:02:38.500 --> 00:02:40.810 align:middle line:90% He can never go home. 00:02:40.810 --> 00:02:42.310 align:middle line:84% You'd known long ago he could never 00:02:42.310 --> 00:02:45.610 align:middle line:84% be well enough to do anything for the culture that might pay 00:02:45.610 --> 00:02:48.670 align:middle line:84% back that kind of care, that other people's work 00:02:48.670 --> 00:02:50.077 align:middle line:90% to that extent. 00:02:50.077 --> 00:02:52.660 align:middle line:84% As a matter of fact, Mr. Jarck didn't even have anyone at home 00:02:52.660 --> 00:02:53.470 align:middle line:90% to go home to. 00:02:53.470 --> 00:02:56.050 align:middle line:84% There wasn't even anybody who wanted him. 00:02:56.050 --> 00:02:58.930 align:middle line:84% There was nothing but his will to go on. 00:02:58.930 --> 00:03:01.060 align:middle line:84% And of course he had no enemy but himself. 00:03:01.060 --> 00:03:03.980 align:middle line:84% There was nobody killing him but himself. 00:03:03.980 --> 00:03:07.880 align:middle line:84% And it was a mighty grand and heroic struggle toward the end. 00:03:07.880 --> 00:03:10.570 align:middle line:84% But one I'd have been glad not to have had any hand in. 00:03:10.570 --> 00:03:14.200 align:middle line:84% And you get to asking yourself more and more questions 00:03:14.200 --> 00:03:17.140 align:middle line:84% to which you don't find any satisfactory answers. 00:03:17.140 --> 00:03:20.520 align:middle line:84% I'd find myself coming off after a night of being with-- 00:03:20.520 --> 00:03:22.660 align:middle line:84% you couldn't special him all night. 00:03:22.660 --> 00:03:25.060 align:middle line:84% Even the nurses who were much tougher than any of us-- 00:03:25.060 --> 00:03:28.090 align:middle line:84% the men who worked there, the aides, the nurses were 00:03:28.090 --> 00:03:29.600 align:middle line:90% much tougher than any of us. 00:03:29.600 --> 00:03:31.960 align:middle line:84% And they were really, really sort of great girls. 00:03:31.960 --> 00:03:34.210 align:middle line:84% But they couldn't they couldn't special him all night. 00:03:34.210 --> 00:03:36.490 align:middle line:84% You simply couldn't stay in the room with that much pain 00:03:36.490 --> 00:03:36.990 align:middle line:90% that long. 00:03:36.990 --> 00:03:39.107 align:middle line:90% They had to sit out in the hall. 00:03:39.107 --> 00:03:40.690 align:middle line:84% I'd come off after one of those nights 00:03:40.690 --> 00:03:43.300 align:middle line:84% and I was also teaching at the university 00:03:43.300 --> 00:03:45.100 align:middle line:84% and I'd have to go meet my class. 00:03:45.100 --> 00:03:47.020 align:middle line:84% And I'd get on the elevator and go down 00:03:47.020 --> 00:03:50.710 align:middle line:84% my relief man had come on and I'd hear myself thinking, 00:03:50.710 --> 00:03:56.320 align:middle line:90% die today, on his shift. 00:03:56.320 --> 00:03:59.080 align:middle line:84% And then you think boy, how trivial can you get? 00:03:59.080 --> 00:04:01.180 align:middle line:84% I mean, that man is dying in such pain 00:04:01.180 --> 00:04:03.940 align:middle line:84% that it's just incredible and you 00:04:03.940 --> 00:04:06.580 align:middle line:84% care whether you have to dress his body or not? 00:04:06.580 --> 00:04:09.370 align:middle line:84% Well, maybe you shouldn't but you really do. 00:04:09.370 --> 00:04:13.300 align:middle line:84% I suppose there's some good reasons 00:04:13.300 --> 00:04:14.350 align:middle line:90% for identifying with him. 00:04:14.350 --> 00:04:16.360 align:middle line:84% Maybe you like him or if you don't like him, 00:04:16.360 --> 00:04:18.193 align:middle line:84% maybe you've come to even to be close to him 00:04:18.193 --> 00:04:20.170 align:middle line:90% whether you liked him or not. 00:04:20.170 --> 00:04:23.050 align:middle line:84% In a way you have to admire the toughness of the side of him 00:04:23.050 --> 00:04:24.640 align:middle line:90% that won't quit. 00:04:24.640 --> 00:04:26.620 align:middle line:84% But there's surely bad enough reasons 00:04:26.620 --> 00:04:30.310 align:middle line:84% to why you identify with him in the long run. 00:04:30.310 --> 00:04:33.130 align:middle line:84% I think I just ended up deciding that surely the only reason we 00:04:33.130 --> 00:04:35.230 align:middle line:84% were doing that was to indulge him in the fantasy 00:04:35.230 --> 00:04:36.790 align:middle line:90% that he could live forever. 00:04:36.790 --> 00:04:41.118 align:middle line:84% That he didn't have to face what we all have to face. 00:04:41.118 --> 00:04:42.910 align:middle line:84% And we're making it that much worse for him 00:04:42.910 --> 00:04:45.250 align:middle line:84% by what we were doing and vicariously 00:04:45.250 --> 00:04:47.307 align:middle line:84% indulging our own similar fantasy 00:04:47.307 --> 00:04:48.640 align:middle line:90% and that surely is a bad reason. 00:04:48.640 --> 00:04:50.410 align:middle line:90% But there's good reasons too. 00:04:50.410 --> 00:04:52.360 align:middle line:84% In any case, you do identify with him. 00:04:52.360 --> 00:04:54.040 align:middle line:90% You're the only one he's had. 00:04:54.040 --> 00:04:57.100 align:middle line:84% There's a strange moment maybe after he's had his shot. 00:04:57.100 --> 00:05:01.300 align:middle line:84% Most of the time he's weeping for his shot. 00:05:01.300 --> 00:05:05.480 align:middle line:84% After he's had it, he has maybe what 15 minutes out of pain. 00:05:05.480 --> 00:05:07.480 align:middle line:84% So you feed him during that time and you 00:05:07.480 --> 00:05:10.180 align:middle line:84% got a few minutes left and you light him a cigarette. 00:05:10.180 --> 00:05:14.590 align:middle line:84% He's dying of lung cancer and you light him a cigarette. 00:05:14.590 --> 00:05:16.750 align:middle line:84% And he lies back and you talk to him. 00:05:16.750 --> 00:05:19.270 align:middle line:84% And after that don't want to have to dress his body. 00:05:19.270 --> 00:05:22.330 align:middle line:84% Well, the man who speaks this poem gets the body to dress 00:05:22.330 --> 00:05:25.150 align:middle line:84% and he's not very happy about it and he's not 00:05:25.150 --> 00:05:26.560 align:middle line:90% very happy about the situation. 00:05:26.560 --> 00:05:28.560 align:middle line:84% I think he decides the kind of thing that I did. 00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:32.290 align:middle line:84% Probably it's immoral to keep that man alive that way. 00:05:32.290 --> 00:05:33.700 align:middle line:90% It isn't a moral problem at all. 00:05:33.700 --> 00:05:37.075 align:middle line:84% For you, not as an aide, it's the practical problem. 00:05:37.075 --> 00:05:38.950 align:middle line:84% How are you going to live with your feelings? 00:05:38.950 --> 00:05:40.702 align:middle line:90% You're in no position to-- 00:05:40.702 --> 00:05:42.910 align:middle line:84% somebody ought to be making a decision about that man 00:05:42.910 --> 00:05:44.910 align:middle line:84% and that we all could use our energies to better 00:05:44.910 --> 00:05:46.810 align:middle line:84% purpose somewhere else, to help somebody 00:05:46.810 --> 00:05:50.390 align:middle line:84% who might grow up into something different on account of it. 00:05:50.390 --> 00:05:52.480 align:middle line:84% But since no one's making a decision, 00:05:52.480 --> 00:05:56.170 align:middle line:84% nobody wants to take that kind of responsibility. 00:05:56.170 --> 00:05:57.700 align:middle line:84% You certainly can't and you've just 00:05:57.700 --> 00:05:59.980 align:middle line:84% got to learn how to live with your feelings in the meantime. 00:05:59.980 --> 00:06:02.480 align:middle line:84% There's one other thing I'll have to tell you about in order 00:06:02.480 --> 00:06:04.280 align:middle line:90% to read the poem. 00:06:04.280 --> 00:06:06.310 align:middle line:84% Unless you're familiar with hospitals and I hope 00:06:06.310 --> 00:06:09.100 align:middle line:90% you never get that way. 00:06:09.100 --> 00:06:11.560 align:middle line:84% This man is on what's called a foster frame bed. 00:06:11.560 --> 00:06:13.540 align:middle line:84% And it looks like a medieval torture device. 00:06:13.540 --> 00:06:17.235 align:middle line:90% It isn't, it's a modern one. 00:06:17.235 --> 00:06:18.610 align:middle line:84% Well, as a matter of fact, it can 00:06:18.610 --> 00:06:20.290 align:middle line:90% be used for very good purposes. 00:06:20.290 --> 00:06:23.410 align:middle line:84% One just saved my son-in-law's life. 00:06:23.410 --> 00:06:26.980 align:middle line:84% But he's a young man and had something to do with his life, 00:06:26.980 --> 00:06:29.800 align:middle line:90% someplace to go with it. 00:06:29.800 --> 00:06:31.600 align:middle line:84% The reason he's on it is that a man 00:06:31.600 --> 00:06:33.580 align:middle line:84% has to be turned over 6 or eight times a day 00:06:33.580 --> 00:06:37.240 align:middle line:90% or he will die of his bed sores. 00:06:37.240 --> 00:06:40.060 align:middle line:84% And this man was so ill that he couldn't be turned over even 00:06:40.060 --> 00:06:42.430 align:middle line:84% by the doctors and nurses without damaging him. 00:06:42.430 --> 00:06:48.850 align:middle line:84% So that many times a day, he's on a narrow frame 00:06:48.850 --> 00:06:51.880 align:middle line:84% made of black iron and it has Canvas stretched across. 00:06:51.880 --> 00:06:54.160 align:middle line:84% It's so narrow there's no place for his arms. 00:06:54.160 --> 00:06:55.780 align:middle line:84% And so if he's lying on his back, 00:06:55.780 --> 00:06:58.030 align:middle line:84% you clamp separate arm pieces on out of the side 00:06:58.030 --> 00:07:00.100 align:middle line:84% and he looks like a man crucified 00:07:00.100 --> 00:07:02.440 align:middle line:84% on a kind of weird torture contraption. 00:07:02.440 --> 00:07:07.810 align:middle line:84% Well, six times a day or so, you bring the other half of it 00:07:07.810 --> 00:07:09.790 align:middle line:84% and you sandwich him in the middle. 00:07:09.790 --> 00:07:11.890 align:middle line:84% You clamp him down with big heavy screws 00:07:11.890 --> 00:07:14.410 align:middle line:90% all the way around. 00:07:14.410 --> 00:07:15.727 align:middle line:90% Well, after you've done all-- 00:07:15.727 --> 00:07:18.310 align:middle line:84% first of all, you have to coat him all over in salves and foam 00:07:18.310 --> 00:07:20.890 align:middle line:84% rubber and turn off all the tubes going in 00:07:20.890 --> 00:07:24.520 align:middle line:84% and turn off all the tubes coming out. 00:07:24.520 --> 00:07:26.650 align:middle line:84% And then you sandwich him in there, 00:07:26.650 --> 00:07:28.810 align:middle line:84% clamp it down, loosen the central screws 00:07:28.810 --> 00:07:31.360 align:middle line:84% on the whole machine, take a good purchase on it, 00:07:31.360 --> 00:07:34.900 align:middle line:90% and do the whole thing at once. 00:07:34.900 --> 00:07:37.270 align:middle line:84% You go for eight months on a thing like that 00:07:37.270 --> 00:07:39.920 align:middle line:90% and you really want to not die. 00:07:39.920 --> 00:07:40.420 align:middle line:90% I mean. 00:07:40.420 --> 00:07:43.370 align:middle line:90% 00:07:43.370 --> 00:07:44.600 align:middle line:90% This is called "A Flat One." 00:07:44.600 --> 00:07:46.040 align:middle line:90% That's slang for a corpse. 00:07:46.040 --> 00:07:48.140 align:middle line:84% If you're coming on duty, the guy who's going on 00:07:48.140 --> 00:07:50.000 align:middle line:84% says, hey, got a flat one on your ward. 00:07:50.000 --> 00:07:54.620 align:middle line:90% 00:07:54.620 --> 00:07:55.490 align:middle line:90% That's bad news. 00:07:55.490 --> 00:07:58.010 align:middle line:90% 00:07:58.010 --> 00:08:00.650 align:middle line:90% "A Flat One." 00:08:00.650 --> 00:08:06.560 align:middle line:84% "Old Fritz, on this rotating bed for seven wasted months 00:08:06.560 --> 00:08:07.910 align:middle line:90% you lay. 00:08:07.910 --> 00:08:11.990 align:middle line:84% Unfit to move, shrunken, gray, no 00:08:11.990 --> 00:08:15.230 align:middle line:84% good to yourself or anyone but to be babied, 00:08:15.230 --> 00:08:19.370 align:middle line:90% changed, and bathed, and fed. 00:08:19.370 --> 00:08:23.870 align:middle line:90% At long last, that's all done. 00:08:23.870 --> 00:08:27.260 align:middle line:84% Before each meal, twice every night, we 00:08:27.260 --> 00:08:31.430 align:middle line:84% set pads and your bed sores, shut your catheter tube off, 00:08:31.430 --> 00:08:35.330 align:middle line:84% then brought the second canvas and black iron bed frame, 00:08:35.330 --> 00:08:39.350 align:middle line:84% and clamped you in between them tight, scared, 00:08:39.350 --> 00:08:42.350 align:middle line:90% so we could turn you over. 00:08:42.350 --> 00:08:47.660 align:middle line:84% We washed you, covered you, cut up each bite of meat you ate. 00:08:47.660 --> 00:08:51.710 align:middle line:84% We watched your lean jaws masticate as ravenously 00:08:51.710 --> 00:08:56.750 align:middle line:84% your useless food, as thieves at hard labor in their chains 00:08:56.750 --> 00:09:01.250 align:middle line:90% chew, or insects in the wood. 00:09:01.250 --> 00:09:04.940 align:middle line:84% Such pious sacrifice, to give you all you 00:09:04.940 --> 00:09:07.730 align:middle line:90% could demand of pain. 00:09:07.730 --> 00:09:14.690 align:middle line:84% Receive this haddock's body, slain for you old tyrant. 00:09:14.690 --> 00:09:18.410 align:middle line:90% Take this blood of a tomato. 00:09:18.410 --> 00:09:22.020 align:middle line:90% Shed that you might live. 00:09:22.020 --> 00:09:23.850 align:middle line:90% You had that costly food. 00:09:23.850 --> 00:09:26.020 align:middle line:90% You seem to be all finished. 00:09:26.020 --> 00:09:29.520 align:middle line:84% So we'll plug your old recalcitrant anus 00:09:29.520 --> 00:09:32.280 align:middle line:84% and tie up your discouraged penis in a great snow 00:09:32.280 --> 00:09:34.500 align:middle line:90% white bow of gauze. 00:09:34.500 --> 00:09:38.928 align:middle line:84% We wrap you, pin you, and part you down below, below, 00:09:38.928 --> 00:09:42.600 align:middle line:84% below because your credit has finally 00:09:42.600 --> 00:09:45.850 align:middle line:90% run out on our steel table. 00:09:45.850 --> 00:09:50.220 align:middle line:84% Trussed and carved, you'll find this world's hard working 00:09:50.220 --> 00:09:53.550 align:middle line:84% starved teeth, working in your precious skin. 00:09:53.550 --> 00:09:58.380 align:middle line:84% The Earth turns in the end by turnabout 00:09:58.380 --> 00:10:01.470 align:middle line:90% and opens to take you in. 00:10:01.470 --> 00:10:04.290 align:middle line:90% 00:10:04.290 --> 00:10:09.330 align:middle line:84% Seven months gone down the drain. 00:10:09.330 --> 00:10:10.740 align:middle line:90% Thank God that's through. 00:10:10.740 --> 00:10:14.130 align:middle line:84% Throw out the 4 by 4s, swab sticks, 00:10:14.130 --> 00:10:17.040 align:middle line:84% the thick set for bed sores, throw out the diaper pads 00:10:17.040 --> 00:10:18.990 align:middle line:90% and drug containers. 00:10:18.990 --> 00:10:23.250 align:middle line:84% Pile the bed clothes in a wad, and rinse the cider jug half 00:10:23.250 --> 00:10:26.010 align:middle line:90% filled with the last urine. 00:10:26.010 --> 00:10:31.740 align:middle line:84% And empty out the cotton cans, autoclave the balls and spit 00:10:31.740 --> 00:10:36.510 align:middle line:84% pans, unhook the pumps and all the red tubes, catheter, 00:10:36.510 --> 00:10:41.840 align:middle line:90% suction, oxygen. 00:10:41.840 --> 00:10:47.180 align:middle line:90% Next, wash the empty bed. 00:10:47.180 --> 00:10:50.210 align:middle line:84% All this dark age machinery on which 00:10:50.210 --> 00:10:54.380 align:middle line:90% we had tormented you to life. 00:10:54.380 --> 00:10:59.210 align:middle line:84% Last, we collect the few belongings, snapshots, 00:10:59.210 --> 00:11:05.570 align:middle line:84% some odd bills, your mail, and half a pack of Lucky's. 00:11:05.570 --> 00:11:09.140 align:middle line:90% We won't like you after meals. 00:11:09.140 --> 00:11:12.560 align:middle line:84% Old man, the seven months you've lain 00:11:12.560 --> 00:11:18.830 align:middle line:84% determined not that you would live, just to not die. 00:11:18.830 --> 00:11:20.750 align:middle line:84% No one would give you one chance you 00:11:20.750 --> 00:11:24.620 align:middle line:84% could ever wake from that first night, much less go well again, 00:11:24.620 --> 00:11:28.190 align:middle line:84% much less go home and make your living. 00:11:28.190 --> 00:11:31.610 align:middle line:84% How could you hope to find a place for yourself 00:11:31.610 --> 00:11:34.360 align:middle line:90% in all creation. 00:11:34.360 --> 00:11:39.510 align:middle line:90% Pain was your only occupation. 00:11:39.510 --> 00:11:44.700 align:middle line:84% And pain that should content and will a man to give it up. 00:11:44.700 --> 00:11:46.980 align:middle line:84% Nerve due to grind your clenched teeth 00:11:46.980 --> 00:11:52.290 align:middle line:84% breathing, till your skin broke down, your calves went flat, 00:11:52.290 --> 00:11:55.970 align:middle line:84% and your legs lost all sensation. 00:11:55.970 --> 00:12:03.200 align:middle line:84% Still you took enough morphine to kill a strong man. 00:12:03.200 --> 00:12:07.970 align:middle line:90% Finally, nitrogen mustard. 00:12:07.970 --> 00:12:12.060 align:middle line:84% You could last two months after that. 00:12:12.060 --> 00:12:15.470 align:middle line:90% It would kill you then. 00:12:15.470 --> 00:12:18.530 align:middle line:84% Even then you wouldn't quit old soldier yet 00:12:18.530 --> 00:12:21.650 align:middle line:84% you must have known inside the animal 00:12:21.650 --> 00:12:26.000 align:middle line:84% had grown sick of the world, made up its mind to stop. 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:29.090 align:middle line:84% Your mind ground on its separate way 00:12:29.090 --> 00:12:32.360 align:middle line:84% merciless and blind into these last weeks 00:12:32.360 --> 00:12:35.540 align:middle line:84% when the breath would only come in fits and starts that 00:12:35.540 --> 00:12:38.510 align:middle line:84% puffed out your sections like the parts 00:12:38.510 --> 00:12:40.850 align:middle line:90% of some enormous damaged bug. 00:12:40.850 --> 00:12:45.920 align:middle line:84% You waited not for life, not for your death, 00:12:45.920 --> 00:12:48.440 align:middle line:84% just for that deadening drug that 00:12:48.440 --> 00:12:52.360 align:middle line:90% made your life seem bearable. 00:12:52.360 --> 00:12:56.095 align:middle line:84% You've still whispered you would not die. 00:12:56.095 --> 00:12:58.820 align:middle line:90% 00:12:58.820 --> 00:13:03.860 align:middle line:84% Yet at the nights I heard you cry like a whipped child. 00:13:03.860 --> 00:13:06.440 align:middle line:84% In fierce old age you whimpered, tears 00:13:06.440 --> 00:13:08.450 align:middle line:84% stood on your gunmetal blue cheeks, 00:13:08.450 --> 00:13:10.370 align:middle line:90% shaking with rage and terror. 00:13:10.370 --> 00:13:12.530 align:middle line:84% So much pain would fill your room 00:13:12.530 --> 00:13:15.110 align:middle line:84% that when I left I prayed that if I came back the next day 00:13:15.110 --> 00:13:18.320 align:middle line:90% I'd find you gone. 00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:23.870 align:middle line:84% You stayed for me, nailed to your own rapacious 00:13:23.870 --> 00:13:25.220 align:middle line:90% stiff self will. 00:13:25.220 --> 00:13:28.470 align:middle line:90% 00:13:28.470 --> 00:13:32.730 align:middle line:90% You've shook loss. 00:13:32.730 --> 00:13:40.040 align:middle line:84% Finally, they'd say this was a worthwhile job 00:13:40.040 --> 00:13:43.010 align:middle line:90% unless they tried it. 00:13:43.010 --> 00:13:45.560 align:middle line:84% It is mad to throw our good lives 00:13:45.560 --> 00:13:49.070 align:middle line:84% after bad, waste time, drugs, and our minds, 00:13:49.070 --> 00:13:52.430 align:middle line:90% while strong band starve. 00:13:52.430 --> 00:13:56.795 align:middle line:84% How many young men did we rob to keep you hanging on? 00:13:56.795 --> 00:13:59.570 align:middle line:90% 00:13:59.570 --> 00:14:04.140 align:middle line:84% I can't think we did you much good. 00:14:04.140 --> 00:14:06.840 align:middle line:90% 00:14:06.840 --> 00:14:09.510 align:middle line:84% Well, when you died none of us wept. 00:14:09.510 --> 00:14:12.510 align:middle line:84% You killed for us and we kept you 00:14:12.510 --> 00:14:14.415 align:middle line:90% because we need to earn our pay. 00:14:14.415 --> 00:14:18.110 align:middle line:90% 00:14:18.110 --> 00:14:25.690 align:middle line:84% No, we'd still have to help you try. 00:14:25.690 --> 00:14:31.490 align:middle line:84% We would have killed for you today." 00:14:31.490 --> 00:14:33.000 align:middle line:90%