WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.930 align:middle line:90% 00:00:00.930 --> 00:00:04.680 align:middle line:84% All right, I thought that I'd like 00:00:04.680 --> 00:00:06.390 align:middle line:84% to read some poems from what I want, 00:00:06.390 --> 00:00:09.780 align:middle line:90% since it's still available. 00:00:09.780 --> 00:00:11.740 align:middle line:84% And I have a new book coming out in the spring. 00:00:11.740 --> 00:00:14.490 align:middle line:84% So I want to sell as many copies of this as I can. 00:00:14.490 --> 00:00:16.020 align:middle line:90% They just tear it up after that. 00:00:16.020 --> 00:00:23.048 align:middle line:90% 00:00:23.048 --> 00:00:25.090 align:middle line:84% There are a couple of people in this audience who 00:00:25.090 --> 00:00:28.420 align:middle line:84% have heard a few of these poems a number of times-- 00:00:28.420 --> 00:00:31.450 align:middle line:90% my apologies. 00:00:31.450 --> 00:00:33.550 align:middle line:84% I can't help it if you go everywhere I go, John. 00:00:33.550 --> 00:00:36.460 align:middle line:90% 00:00:36.460 --> 00:00:40.690 align:middle line:90% All right, this is called Agnes. 00:00:40.690 --> 00:00:46.270 align:middle line:84% And it's a poem in parts, inspired by work 00:00:46.270 --> 00:00:48.640 align:middle line:84% by RD Laing in the book Sanity, Madness, 00:00:48.640 --> 00:00:51.280 align:middle line:84% and the Family, which is a series of interviews 00:00:51.280 --> 00:00:56.770 align:middle line:84% of young women, British women, who have been hospitalized 00:00:56.770 --> 00:00:59.560 align:middle line:90% and called schizophrenic. 00:00:59.560 --> 00:01:03.040 align:middle line:84% And the interviews in this book are 00:01:03.040 --> 00:01:05.440 align:middle line:84% done with people in the family structure 00:01:05.440 --> 00:01:08.560 align:middle line:84% that this person who's been hospitalized belongs to. 00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:11.920 align:middle line:84% And the interviews very clearly establish the fact 00:01:11.920 --> 00:01:14.140 align:middle line:84% that the madness, or the schizophrenia, 00:01:14.140 --> 00:01:17.462 align:middle line:84% is a system, a family system, rather than-- 00:01:17.462 --> 00:01:19.420 align:middle line:84% and that the person that goes into the hospital 00:01:19.420 --> 00:01:22.090 align:middle line:84% is simply the person who has the least defenses 00:01:22.090 --> 00:01:25.070 align:middle line:84% and is most vulnerable in their personality structure. 00:01:25.070 --> 00:01:30.970 align:middle line:84% And when I read the book, I felt very identified a lot, 00:01:30.970 --> 00:01:32.890 align:middle line:84% at different points, with some of these women. 00:01:32.890 --> 00:01:36.760 align:middle line:90% And I wanted to write-- 00:01:36.760 --> 00:01:38.320 align:middle line:84% I wanted to write a group of poems. 00:01:38.320 --> 00:01:40.120 align:middle line:84% But it came out as one poem in parts. 00:01:40.120 --> 00:01:40.720 align:middle line:90% So this is it. 00:01:40.720 --> 00:01:44.620 align:middle line:84% And their voices in it, there's the voice of Agnes, her mother, 00:01:44.620 --> 00:01:46.855 align:middle line:90% her father, and a narrator. 00:01:46.855 --> 00:01:54.450 align:middle line:90% 00:01:54.450 --> 00:01:57.700 align:middle line:84% She wouldn't like Agnes to be like some types today. 00:01:57.700 --> 00:02:01.200 align:middle line:84% As for the boys, she didn't mind what boys Agnes went out with, 00:02:01.200 --> 00:02:02.310 align:middle line:90% what boy she-- 00:02:02.310 --> 00:02:07.710 align:middle line:84% hmm-- provided he intended to marry her and was not flighty. 00:02:07.710 --> 00:02:12.270 align:middle line:84% She never objected to Agnes kissing boys. 00:02:12.270 --> 00:02:16.680 align:middle line:84% It was natural, provided it wasn't done openly. 00:02:16.680 --> 00:02:21.270 align:middle line:84% Openly, Agnes kissing, that-- hmm-- was Agnes' business. 00:02:21.270 --> 00:02:23.010 align:middle line:90% She would not interfere unless-- 00:02:23.010 --> 00:02:25.260 align:middle line:84% of course, unless he wasn't Agnes' type. 00:02:25.260 --> 00:02:28.200 align:middle line:90% 00:02:28.200 --> 00:02:29.160 align:middle line:90% I hear him. 00:02:29.160 --> 00:02:31.680 align:middle line:84% He comes to my bed at night, carrying 00:02:31.680 --> 00:02:33.990 align:middle line:90% his box of plumbing tools. 00:02:33.990 --> 00:02:37.440 align:middle line:84% I suppose it's not quite a nice thing to have sexual feelings, 00:02:37.440 --> 00:02:38.100 align:middle line:90% is it? 00:02:38.100 --> 00:02:39.810 align:middle line:90% Do you think? 00:02:39.810 --> 00:02:44.670 align:middle line:84% I wanted to be like Jesus, aboveboard and straightforward. 00:02:44.670 --> 00:02:46.140 align:middle line:90% But people are nosy. 00:02:46.140 --> 00:02:47.730 align:middle line:90% People are underhand. 00:02:47.730 --> 00:02:48.900 align:middle line:90% Jesus helps me. 00:02:48.900 --> 00:02:50.835 align:middle line:84% But now I don't tell my mum about the plumber. 00:02:50.835 --> 00:02:54.660 align:middle line:90% 00:02:54.660 --> 00:02:56.520 align:middle line:84% Coming on since Christmas, we had 00:02:56.520 --> 00:02:58.290 align:middle line:90% to choose our words carefully. 00:02:58.290 --> 00:03:01.740 align:middle line:84% Agnes was sitting by the fire, putting cream on her face. 00:03:01.740 --> 00:03:03.430 align:middle line:90% I saw the fire on her face. 00:03:03.430 --> 00:03:04.350 align:middle line:90% She was sitting there. 00:03:04.350 --> 00:03:06.900 align:middle line:84% The cream was spread all over her. 00:03:06.900 --> 00:03:10.140 align:middle line:84% Oh, do be careful, Agnes, her dad said. 00:03:10.140 --> 00:03:12.090 align:middle line:84% Then she threw the tissue into the fire. 00:03:12.090 --> 00:03:13.590 align:middle line:90% That's when it began. 00:03:13.590 --> 00:03:17.400 align:middle line:84% Yes, it had been coming, coming on. since Christmas, coming. 00:03:17.400 --> 00:03:20.190 align:middle line:90% 00:03:20.190 --> 00:03:21.780 align:middle line:90% Agnes keeps to herself. 00:03:21.780 --> 00:03:23.430 align:middle line:90% That's the trouble. 00:03:23.430 --> 00:03:25.530 align:middle line:90% The illness kept coming. 00:03:25.530 --> 00:03:27.420 align:middle line:90% She wanted to dress mannish. 00:03:27.420 --> 00:03:30.270 align:middle line:84% The disgusting way people dress today-- 00:03:30.270 --> 00:03:32.460 align:middle line:90% kept coming. 00:03:32.460 --> 00:03:36.060 align:middle line:84% I wanted to wear blue jeans like Shirley and Betty wear them. 00:03:36.060 --> 00:03:39.780 align:middle line:84% To tell the truth, men do seem to find them attractive, 00:03:39.780 --> 00:03:42.630 align:middle line:90% blue jeans. 00:03:42.630 --> 00:03:45.870 align:middle line:84% Agnes was-- hmm, she's always imagining atmospheres, 00:03:45.870 --> 00:03:48.720 align:middle line:84% how people feel, being critical, not liking her. 00:03:48.720 --> 00:03:52.350 align:middle line:84% And it's very trying, the feeling people are against her. 00:03:52.350 --> 00:03:54.780 align:middle line:84% She often masturbated when people weren't kind. 00:03:54.780 --> 00:03:57.090 align:middle line:84% She told it to mum, but mum was embarrassed. 00:03:57.090 --> 00:03:58.530 align:middle line:90% Agnes told her about the stunt. 00:03:58.530 --> 00:03:59.940 align:middle line:90% But mum knew nothing about it. 00:03:59.940 --> 00:04:01.980 align:middle line:84% There had never been anything like that. 00:04:01.980 --> 00:04:03.900 align:middle line:84% She didn't really know what it was. 00:04:03.900 --> 00:04:07.500 align:middle line:84% Her mum said, she's been spoiled more than the others, too 00:04:07.500 --> 00:04:10.560 align:middle line:90% much affection showered. 00:04:10.560 --> 00:04:12.690 align:middle line:90% She tended to sense atmospheres. 00:04:12.690 --> 00:04:14.790 align:middle line:84% Mum had always said that about Agnes. 00:04:14.790 --> 00:04:17.920 align:middle line:90% Religion was always her trouble. 00:04:17.920 --> 00:04:19.540 align:middle line:90% Jesus has helped me a lot. 00:04:19.540 --> 00:04:21.300 align:middle line:90% But he's too much in my life. 00:04:21.300 --> 00:04:23.610 align:middle line:84% He drives me and it gets on my nerves. 00:04:23.610 --> 00:04:25.260 align:middle line:90% But Jesus loves me. 00:04:25.260 --> 00:04:26.970 align:middle line:90% He is the only one who cares. 00:04:26.970 --> 00:04:30.100 align:middle line:90% 00:04:30.100 --> 00:04:32.680 align:middle line:84% And nothing's wrong with the other two. 00:04:32.680 --> 00:04:35.350 align:middle line:84% And nothing's wrong with the other two, dad says. 00:04:35.350 --> 00:04:37.240 align:middle line:84% They were just like normal persons. 00:04:37.240 --> 00:04:40.060 align:middle line:84% Nothing seemed to worry them like normal persons. 00:04:40.060 --> 00:04:42.640 align:middle line:84% Too much fuss over Agnes, something 00:04:42.640 --> 00:04:44.890 align:middle line:90% definitely wrong with Agnes. 00:04:44.890 --> 00:04:47.680 align:middle line:84% She always got worked up to a point, Agnes did. 00:04:47.680 --> 00:04:49.330 align:middle line:90% Agnes, being irritable at home. 00:04:49.330 --> 00:04:51.040 align:middle line:90% Agnes, getting on our nerves. 00:04:51.040 --> 00:04:54.430 align:middle line:84% Agnes, worrying about things, going on about things. 00:04:54.430 --> 00:04:57.400 align:middle line:84% Agnes, not mixing with everyone and anyone. 00:04:57.400 --> 00:04:59.950 align:middle line:84% Agnes, talking about religion in a simple manner. 00:04:59.950 --> 00:05:02.290 align:middle line:84% Agnes, saying her father was picking on her. 00:05:02.290 --> 00:05:05.170 align:middle line:84% Agnes, not telling her father her thoughts. 00:05:05.170 --> 00:05:06.460 align:middle line:90% That's her illness. 00:05:06.460 --> 00:05:08.680 align:middle line:90% That's what I mean. 00:05:08.680 --> 00:05:10.480 align:middle line:90% Agnes, laughing to herself. 00:05:10.480 --> 00:05:12.520 align:middle line:84% Agnes, not pulling herself together. 00:05:12.520 --> 00:05:15.220 align:middle line:84% Agnes, liking a boy and not knowing if she's in 00:05:15.220 --> 00:05:16.150 align:middle line:90% love with him. 00:05:16.150 --> 00:05:17.770 align:middle line:90% Agnes, off to hospital. 00:05:17.770 --> 00:05:21.020 align:middle line:90% 00:05:21.020 --> 00:05:25.880 align:middle line:84% 50 insulin comas-- apparently well. 00:05:25.880 --> 00:05:32.990 align:middle line:84% Discharged, referred, relapsing, re-referred. 00:05:32.990 --> 00:05:39.800 align:middle line:84% 50 insulin comas, tranquilizers, discharged. 00:05:39.800 --> 00:05:47.000 align:middle line:84% Readmitted, tranquilizers, clinically improved, 00:05:47.000 --> 00:05:50.840 align:middle line:90% discharged, tranquilizers. 00:05:50.840 --> 00:05:54.070 align:middle line:90% 00:05:54.070 --> 00:05:56.410 align:middle line:90% Dad is disappointed in Agnes. 00:05:56.410 --> 00:05:59.350 align:middle line:84% What he wanted for her was nothing nicer 00:05:59.350 --> 00:06:01.780 align:middle line:84% than to come home from a hard day's work, 00:06:01.780 --> 00:06:05.200 align:middle line:84% and relax, and sit down and listen to the wireless 00:06:05.200 --> 00:06:07.780 align:middle line:90% or television with a nice fire. 00:06:07.780 --> 00:06:10.660 align:middle line:84% That's what he wanted for her, with a nice fire-- what 00:06:10.660 --> 00:06:12.010 align:middle line:90% he wanted. 00:06:12.010 --> 00:06:13.512 align:middle line:90% But no, she didn't, did she? 00:06:13.512 --> 00:06:14.470 align:middle line:90% Didn't come home to it. 00:06:14.470 --> 00:06:16.420 align:middle line:90% No, she'd been a failure. 00:06:16.420 --> 00:06:18.040 align:middle line:84% He didn't mind Agnes being cheeky. 00:06:18.040 --> 00:06:21.130 align:middle line:84% But she wasn't cheeky like other people. 00:06:21.130 --> 00:06:22.918 align:middle line:84% She was old enough to know whether or not 00:06:22.918 --> 00:06:24.460 align:middle line:84% she was in love with the electrician. 00:06:24.460 --> 00:06:25.930 align:middle line:90% But she didn't know. 00:06:25.930 --> 00:06:28.220 align:middle line:84% He had been working in their house. 00:06:28.220 --> 00:06:31.330 align:middle line:84% She heard his voice at night, but she didn't know. 00:06:31.330 --> 00:06:33.310 align:middle line:84% Sometimes he said he would kill her. 00:06:33.310 --> 00:06:35.140 align:middle line:90% But his voice was loving. 00:06:35.140 --> 00:06:37.960 align:middle line:84% That's why she couldn't know her true feelings. 00:06:37.960 --> 00:06:39.820 align:middle line:90% He asked if she was married. 00:06:39.820 --> 00:06:42.610 align:middle line:90% He asked how she spent her time. 00:06:42.610 --> 00:06:45.610 align:middle line:84% He offered to take her to a club. 00:06:45.610 --> 00:06:50.260 align:middle line:84% Walking down the sidewalk, she wondered if this was Mr. Right. 00:06:50.260 --> 00:06:55.060 align:middle line:84% Then inside her, something funny happened inside her, something 00:06:55.060 --> 00:06:57.040 align:middle line:90% she couldn't describe. 00:06:57.040 --> 00:07:02.050 align:middle line:84% But it was that night he spoke to her, that night in her bed. 00:07:02.050 --> 00:07:03.370 align:middle line:90% But there you are-- 00:07:03.370 --> 00:07:06.085 align:middle line:84% true enough, there was no harm in that for a normal person. 00:07:06.085 --> 00:07:08.830 align:middle line:90% 00:07:08.830 --> 00:07:12.460 align:middle line:84% She'd be sitting by the fire, and all of a sudden 00:07:12.460 --> 00:07:15.380 align:middle line:84% she'd give a silly grin or a laugh. 00:07:15.380 --> 00:07:19.240 align:middle line:84% And I'd say, well, what are you laughing at? 00:07:19.240 --> 00:07:20.950 align:middle line:90% And she'd never tell. 00:07:20.950 --> 00:07:22.795 align:middle line:90% She'd never once tell. 00:07:22.795 --> 00:07:28.000 align:middle line:90% 00:07:28.000 --> 00:07:28.978 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:07:28.978 --> 00:07:32.401 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:07:32.401 --> 00:07:36.812 align:middle line:90% 00:07:36.812 --> 00:07:38.770 align:middle line:84% I'd like to suggest, if it wouldn't offend you, 00:07:38.770 --> 00:07:40.030 align:middle line:90% that perhaps you-- 00:07:40.030 --> 00:07:41.620 align:middle line:90% I appreciate your applause. 00:07:41.620 --> 00:07:43.930 align:middle line:84% And I'll just continue reading now. 00:07:43.930 --> 00:07:46.187 align:middle line:84% And then maybe you could hold it till the end. 00:07:46.187 --> 00:07:47.020 align:middle line:90% It would be simpler. 00:07:47.020 --> 00:07:49.230 align:middle line:84% Then you don't have to get anxious. 00:07:49.230 --> 00:07:50.000 align:middle line:90%