WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.110 align:middle line:84% In the garden God had power, the garden had power, 00:00:04.110 --> 00:00:06.360 align:middle line:84% and Adam had full power over Eve. 00:00:06.360 --> 00:00:09.360 align:middle line:84% It was Eve who went out of line and disobeyed the garden, Adam, 00:00:09.360 --> 00:00:10.710 align:middle line:90% and God. 00:00:10.710 --> 00:00:13.500 align:middle line:84% To get into heaven, he suggests, women should obey. 00:00:13.500 --> 00:00:16.140 align:middle line:90% Preferably in a garden. 00:00:16.140 --> 00:00:17.580 align:middle line:90% Stand up, he tells her. 00:00:17.580 --> 00:00:18.550 align:middle line:90% She stands. 00:00:18.550 --> 00:00:20.820 align:middle line:84% She thinks they're getting ready to leave. 00:00:20.820 --> 00:00:23.460 align:middle line:84% He stands up behind her and puts his hands on her shoulder, 00:00:23.460 --> 00:00:26.190 align:middle line:84% he unzips the top of her dress and unhooks her bra. 00:00:26.190 --> 00:00:27.720 align:middle line:90% Turn around, he tells her. 00:00:27.720 --> 00:00:29.130 align:middle line:90% She does. 00:00:29.130 --> 00:00:31.680 align:middle line:84% He pulls on the sleeves of a dress exposing her bra. 00:00:31.680 --> 00:00:33.930 align:middle line:84% He puts his hand over her breast and takes her bra off 00:00:33.930 --> 00:00:35.280 align:middle line:90% with the back of his hands. 00:00:35.280 --> 00:00:37.230 align:middle line:90% Her dress hangs at her hips. 00:00:37.230 --> 00:00:40.860 align:middle line:84% Some clothes do an element of intrigue, he agrees. 00:00:40.860 --> 00:00:43.110 align:middle line:84% You ever done anything like this before, he asks? 00:00:43.110 --> 00:00:44.876 align:middle line:90% She shakes her head. 00:00:44.876 --> 00:00:46.570 align:middle line:90% It's all right, he promises. 00:00:46.570 --> 00:00:48.130 align:middle line:90% I've been blessed. 00:00:48.130 --> 00:00:52.330 align:middle line:84% Any part of me that touches you would be blessed too. 00:00:52.330 --> 00:00:55.540 align:middle line:84% The saliva in my mouth is like holy water. 00:00:55.540 --> 00:00:58.870 align:middle line:84% To prove it, he bends down to put his tongue on her breast. 00:00:58.870 --> 00:01:00.730 align:middle line:90% Now your breast is saved. 00:01:00.730 --> 00:01:03.200 align:middle line:90% He smiles. 00:01:03.200 --> 00:01:04.690 align:middle line:84% And then things take another turn. 00:01:04.690 --> 00:01:06.370 align:middle line:90% I become the he. 00:01:06.370 --> 00:01:08.530 align:middle line:84% He presses his tongue against her other breast, 00:01:08.530 --> 00:01:10.030 align:middle line:90% puts his whole mouth around it. 00:01:10.030 --> 00:01:11.530 align:middle line:90% She startles. 00:01:11.530 --> 00:01:13.097 align:middle line:84% Here's the tricky part, I tell her, 00:01:13.097 --> 00:01:14.680 align:middle line:84% as I push down on her shoulders to get 00:01:14.680 --> 00:01:16.763 align:middle line:84% her to kneel with one hand on the top of her head, 00:01:16.763 --> 00:01:18.972 align:middle line:84% and when I'm doing the buckle and button of my jeans, 00:01:18.972 --> 00:01:19.780 align:middle line:90% I try to explain. 00:01:19.780 --> 00:01:22.630 align:middle line:84% First I must be made unclean by a mouth 00:01:22.630 --> 00:01:25.120 align:middle line:84% that makes promises it doesn't keep. 00:01:25.120 --> 00:01:28.060 align:middle line:90% Then, I have to be re-cleansed. 00:01:28.060 --> 00:01:28.795 align:middle line:90% Where am I? 00:01:28.795 --> 00:01:31.750 align:middle line:84% I am both the man and the woman, the predator and the prey, 00:01:31.750 --> 00:01:34.242 align:middle line:90% the top and the bottom. 00:01:34.242 --> 00:01:36.700 align:middle line:84% I pull my penis out from my underwear and put the tip of it 00:01:36.700 --> 00:01:37.690 align:middle line:90% on her mouth. 00:01:37.690 --> 00:01:40.000 align:middle line:84% I nudge it between her lips to get me to open them, 00:01:40.000 --> 00:01:41.320 align:middle line:90% but she keeps them closed. 00:01:41.320 --> 00:01:42.310 align:middle line:90% She is me. 00:01:42.310 --> 00:01:44.560 align:middle line:84% I keep them closed, but the pressure against my lip 00:01:44.560 --> 00:01:46.240 align:middle line:90% makes my mouth water. 00:01:46.240 --> 00:01:47.080 align:middle line:90% Come now, he says. 00:01:47.080 --> 00:01:47.980 align:middle line:90% It won't hurt. 00:01:47.980 --> 00:01:52.210 align:middle line:84% Open up, you like apples so much. 00:01:52.210 --> 00:01:53.830 align:middle line:90% I open my mouth a little. 00:01:53.830 --> 00:01:55.600 align:middle line:90% He says, wider. 00:01:55.600 --> 00:01:57.850 align:middle line:84% I taste something mucousy and salty on my tongue. 00:01:57.850 --> 00:01:59.840 align:middle line:90% The taste makes me open wider. 00:01:59.840 --> 00:02:02.710 align:middle line:84% Keep your teeth behind your lips. 00:02:02.710 --> 00:02:05.560 align:middle line:84% I push deeper toward the back of her throat. 00:02:05.560 --> 00:02:07.660 align:middle line:84% I almost gag, but I take control. 00:02:07.660 --> 00:02:10.630 align:middle line:84% I master my cheek, my throat muscles and push him back. 00:02:10.630 --> 00:02:12.790 align:middle line:84% They fight in her mouth and take it in her mouth 00:02:12.790 --> 00:02:15.040 align:middle line:84% until he stops and says, wait, I'm too close. 00:02:15.040 --> 00:02:16.330 align:middle line:90% I tell her to lie down. 00:02:16.330 --> 00:02:17.950 align:middle line:84% I press what is left of her dress up, 00:02:17.950 --> 00:02:19.630 align:middle line:84% so now it's all bunched her hips. 00:02:19.630 --> 00:02:20.440 align:middle line:90% You're so sweet. 00:02:20.440 --> 00:02:21.430 align:middle line:90% You smell so sweet. 00:02:21.430 --> 00:02:23.830 align:middle line:90% She didn't expect nice words. 00:02:23.830 --> 00:02:27.430 align:middle line:84% She wonders if salt comes with sweet. 00:02:27.430 --> 00:02:30.130 align:middle line:84% I soon learn the answer because he's nudging down my underwear. 00:02:30.130 --> 00:02:32.290 align:middle line:84% I press my legs together, which makes 00:02:32.290 --> 00:02:34.092 align:middle line:90% him pull my panties harder. 00:02:34.092 --> 00:02:35.050 align:middle line:90% Come on, he says again. 00:02:35.050 --> 00:02:36.410 align:middle line:90% I can tell you like this. 00:02:36.410 --> 00:02:37.300 align:middle line:90% We're almost there. 00:02:37.300 --> 00:02:40.312 align:middle line:84% Naked, back to the way things should be. 00:02:40.312 --> 00:02:41.770 align:middle line:84% I screwed the rest of her dress off 00:02:41.770 --> 00:02:44.230 align:middle line:84% and she lies there with the cool breeze running over her. 00:02:44.230 --> 00:02:48.230 align:middle line:84% I am cold, cold enough to arch up toward his warmth. 00:02:48.230 --> 00:02:49.930 align:middle line:90% This is wrong, this arching. 00:02:49.930 --> 00:02:51.250 align:middle line:90% He did not tell me to arch. 00:02:51.250 --> 00:02:52.060 align:middle line:90% I am not clean. 00:02:52.060 --> 00:02:52.810 align:middle line:90% I am not fruit. 00:02:52.810 --> 00:02:53.590 align:middle line:90% I am reaching. 00:02:53.590 --> 00:02:56.680 align:middle line:90% This is no longer his game. 00:02:56.680 --> 00:02:57.880 align:middle line:90% I have to cleanse you. 00:02:57.880 --> 00:02:59.590 align:middle line:90% I think you'll like it, he says. 00:02:59.590 --> 00:03:01.720 align:middle line:84% He puts his hand on the mound of my pubes. 00:03:01.720 --> 00:03:03.700 align:middle line:90% Just open your legs a little. 00:03:03.700 --> 00:03:05.680 align:middle line:84% His hand cups me like it could lift me up, 00:03:05.680 --> 00:03:08.320 align:middle line:84% like it could make me a world unto myself, 00:03:08.320 --> 00:03:10.600 align:middle line:90% turn me into an apple. 00:03:10.600 --> 00:03:13.900 align:middle line:84% Where his hand is, finger against wet, fat flesh 00:03:13.900 --> 00:03:15.580 align:middle line:90% makes me obey. 00:03:15.580 --> 00:03:17.470 align:middle line:84% I press my whole hand against my vagina, 00:03:17.470 --> 00:03:20.290 align:middle line:84% like I'm cupping it to keep my hand warm. 00:03:20.290 --> 00:03:23.320 align:middle line:84% Then I tickle me with my index finger. 00:03:23.320 --> 00:03:25.600 align:middle line:84% Her legs spread open far further. 00:03:25.600 --> 00:03:29.080 align:middle line:84% In little circles, his finger moves inside her. 00:03:29.080 --> 00:03:31.120 align:middle line:90% I put my hand on his stomach. 00:03:31.120 --> 00:03:33.220 align:middle line:90% It is the safest place. 00:03:33.220 --> 00:03:35.020 align:middle line:90% I put my hand on her stomach. 00:03:35.020 --> 00:03:38.340 align:middle line:84% I know she can't resist the promise. 00:03:38.340 --> 00:03:40.230 align:middle line:84% His face bends down to where his hand is. 00:03:40.230 --> 00:03:42.480 align:middle line:84% He follows the movement of his finger with his tongue, 00:03:42.480 --> 00:03:44.460 align:middle line:90% almost clean he mumbles. 00:03:44.460 --> 00:03:46.020 align:middle line:90% I rise up to meet me. 00:03:46.020 --> 00:03:48.870 align:middle line:84% My seemingly gigantic penis throbbing on my stomach 00:03:48.870 --> 00:03:49.620 align:middle line:90% for a moment. 00:03:49.620 --> 00:03:51.990 align:middle line:84% Then I rock back and place the tip where his tongue was. 00:03:51.990 --> 00:03:55.140 align:middle line:84% Now, he says, my own spit will clean me. 00:03:55.140 --> 00:03:56.850 align:middle line:84% He presses the tip of his penis into me, 00:03:56.850 --> 00:03:58.230 align:middle line:90% then moves it up and down. 00:03:58.230 --> 00:04:00.090 align:middle line:84% I'll go slow, but this may hurt a bit. 00:04:00.090 --> 00:04:04.890 align:middle line:84% So if you really are clean now, say, Oh, when it feels good. 00:04:04.890 --> 00:04:08.040 align:middle line:84% It takes a minute, but I say, Oh, before I do. 00:04:08.040 --> 00:04:10.880 align:middle line:90% 00:04:10.880 --> 00:04:12.740 align:middle line:90% We want always to be the actors. 00:04:12.740 --> 00:04:15.320 align:middle line:84% The noun in the sentence, the dam builders, 00:04:15.320 --> 00:04:17.600 align:middle line:84% the deer herd thinners, the jailers. 00:04:17.600 --> 00:04:22.019 align:middle line:84% But their nature is outside our control, even inside our own. 00:04:22.019 --> 00:04:25.207 align:middle line:84% It's all about proximity, nature, and power too. 00:04:25.207 --> 00:04:27.290 align:middle line:84% And all of the old cliches about women, and youth, 00:04:27.290 --> 00:04:29.180 align:middle line:90% and pretend accident. 00:04:29.180 --> 00:04:32.180 align:middle line:84% Women want to be forced, they're seduced, semantics, 00:04:32.180 --> 00:04:33.260 align:middle line:90% younger is better. 00:04:33.260 --> 00:04:37.430 align:middle line:84% Prone to accident, whoops, his penis just fell into me. 00:04:37.430 --> 00:04:39.530 align:middle line:84% It's virginal to place the blame on others, 00:04:39.530 --> 00:04:42.680 align:middle line:84% to be the direct object to some man's hard noun. 00:04:42.680 --> 00:04:44.600 align:middle line:84% When something is done to you, how 00:04:44.600 --> 00:04:47.210 align:middle line:84% can you be accused of choosing or even conspiring? 00:04:47.210 --> 00:04:49.940 align:middle line:90% 00:04:49.940 --> 00:04:51.560 align:middle line:84% When Erik and I start telling people 00:04:51.560 --> 00:04:53.540 align:middle line:84% that this baby is a girl, they all 00:04:53.540 --> 00:04:55.610 align:middle line:84% sympathize with Erik about the chastity belts, 00:04:55.610 --> 00:04:57.560 align:middle line:84% and the midriff showing shirts, and the guns in the closet 00:04:57.560 --> 00:04:59.360 align:middle line:84% to threaten the boys bringing the girls home from dates. 00:04:59.360 --> 00:05:02.030 align:middle line:84% And dad out of the car knocking on the window saying, 00:05:02.030 --> 00:05:04.430 align:middle line:84% get my daughter in the house right now. 00:05:04.430 --> 00:05:06.470 align:middle line:90% Boys are the culprits. 00:05:06.470 --> 00:05:07.760 align:middle line:90% The girls are the victim. 00:05:07.760 --> 00:05:09.620 align:middle line:84% We engraved its syllogism so deeply, 00:05:09.620 --> 00:05:12.140 align:middle line:84% we don't even allow, even in our fantasies, 00:05:12.140 --> 00:05:14.510 align:middle line:90% the girl to be on top. 00:05:14.510 --> 00:05:16.640 align:middle line:90% To be the lecherous teacher. 00:05:16.640 --> 00:05:18.740 align:middle line:84% Our minds correct all the images of the girl 00:05:18.740 --> 00:05:21.110 align:middle line:90% making the boy bend over. 00:05:21.110 --> 00:05:22.970 align:middle line:84% If we can always count on direction. 00:05:22.970 --> 00:05:25.280 align:middle line:84% This leads that, boys fuck girls, 00:05:25.280 --> 00:05:30.390 align:middle line:84% that our fantasy separate out from our actual sexual lives. 00:05:30.390 --> 00:05:32.780 align:middle line:84% But there's a subversive element to these fantasies 00:05:32.780 --> 00:05:34.950 align:middle line:90% that plays out in real life. 00:05:34.950 --> 00:05:36.500 align:middle line:84% We ask the predator child molester 00:05:36.500 --> 00:05:39.200 align:middle line:84% to do even more than keep his fantasies separate. 00:05:39.200 --> 00:05:41.630 align:middle line:84% We want his erased, but that's as 00:05:41.630 --> 00:05:43.310 align:middle line:84% simple as asking the direct object 00:05:43.310 --> 00:05:44.930 align:middle line:90% to be the nominative noun. 00:05:44.930 --> 00:05:46.580 align:middle line:84% That's as simple as asking the cow 00:05:46.580 --> 00:05:49.460 align:middle line:90% to start chomping on the wolf. 00:05:49.460 --> 00:05:51.770 align:middle line:84% One of the darker fantasies, the one 00:05:51.770 --> 00:05:53.270 align:middle line:84% where the girl's pubic hair is soft 00:05:53.270 --> 00:05:55.310 align:middle line:90% down instead of wiring curls. 00:05:55.310 --> 00:05:58.070 align:middle line:84% One where the baby's fingers wiggle so delicately 00:05:58.070 --> 00:06:00.260 align:middle line:84% and slide the slippery vaginal darkness. 00:06:00.260 --> 00:06:02.960 align:middle line:84% One where the boy's penis fits so wholly inside the mouth, 00:06:02.960 --> 00:06:05.210 align:middle line:84% and the one where the girl's mouth fills so fully with 00:06:05.210 --> 00:06:05.870 align:middle line:90% the man's. 00:06:05.870 --> 00:06:06.440 align:middle line:90% No one. 00:06:06.440 --> 00:06:07.910 align:middle line:84% Not the writers of Law and Order: 00:06:07.910 --> 00:06:10.580 align:middle line:84% Special Victims, or the men of NAMBLA, 00:06:10.580 --> 00:06:12.890 align:middle line:84% or the molestation novels of Dorothy Alice, ambassador 00:06:12.890 --> 00:06:14.840 align:middle line:84% to Carolina would fall on her knees. 00:06:14.840 --> 00:06:18.680 align:middle line:84% No one admits to getting in the head of the fucker. 00:06:18.680 --> 00:06:20.660 align:middle line:84% But in a world where we want our actors 00:06:20.660 --> 00:06:23.690 align:middle line:84% to have volition, to choose to lure the 10-year-old over 00:06:23.690 --> 00:06:25.250 align:middle line:90% with the newest video game, 00:06:25.250 --> 00:06:28.010 align:middle line:84% to choose to eat the domesticated off-limits lamb, 00:06:28.010 --> 00:06:30.020 align:middle line:90% instead of up-for-grabs deer. 00:06:30.020 --> 00:06:32.030 align:middle line:84% It's we who have a hard time distinguishing 00:06:32.030 --> 00:06:35.390 align:middle line:84% between natural fantasy, and the fantasy of the natural. 00:06:35.390 --> 00:06:38.820 align:middle line:90% 00:06:38.820 --> 00:06:41.120 align:middle line:84% The lamb walks alongside the ewe. 00:06:41.120 --> 00:06:44.750 align:middle line:84% The ewe packs its woolen coat tightly against the ewe 00:06:44.750 --> 00:06:46.880 align:middle line:84% to its left and the ewe to its right. 00:06:46.880 --> 00:06:49.730 align:middle line:84% Their heads bob in unison as they head down the grassy hill 00:06:49.730 --> 00:06:52.410 align:middle line:84% into the flat land of sparsely wooded aspens. 00:06:52.410 --> 00:06:53.900 align:middle line:90% Aspens divide the sheep. 00:06:53.900 --> 00:06:55.910 align:middle line:90% The aspens make a reverse loom. 00:06:55.910 --> 00:06:58.010 align:middle line:84% Instead of finishing the white rug, 00:06:58.010 --> 00:06:59.750 align:middle line:84% the trees unwove the rug of sheep, 00:06:59.750 --> 00:07:02.600 align:middle line:90% separating lamb from ewe. 00:07:02.600 --> 00:07:05.300 align:middle line:84% Perhaps that the lamb had been kept tight knit, tight next 00:07:05.300 --> 00:07:06.470 align:middle line:90% to its mother. 00:07:06.470 --> 00:07:09.440 align:middle line:84% Perhaps the lamb had practiced keeping its eye out, imagining 00:07:09.440 --> 00:07:11.240 align:middle line:90% predation. 00:07:11.240 --> 00:07:13.243 align:middle line:84% All it takes is one aspen to drop the stitch, 00:07:13.243 --> 00:07:14.660 align:middle line:84% to flick the lamb out of the weave 00:07:14.660 --> 00:07:18.200 align:middle line:84% and into the plane, dirt-filled tree dark world. 00:07:18.200 --> 00:07:22.010 align:middle line:84% As the wolves bite down, the lamb lifts its neck. 00:07:22.010 --> 00:07:25.640 align:middle line:84% Does the lamb fault himself for his short legs, his slow speed, 00:07:25.640 --> 00:07:28.785 align:middle line:84% the failure to heel to its mother. 00:07:28.785 --> 00:07:31.160 align:middle line:84% As you blame the tree, the bell, the shepherd, his mother 00:07:31.160 --> 00:07:32.840 align:middle line:84% for turning him to prey, or does he 00:07:32.840 --> 00:07:36.110 align:middle line:84% blame the wolf, who was only waiting. 00:07:36.110 --> 00:07:37.730 align:middle line:84% If you look at it in certain ways, 00:07:37.730 --> 00:07:39.512 align:middle line:84% I come from a family of female victims. 00:07:39.512 --> 00:07:40.970 align:middle line:84% Women who are impregnated when they 00:07:40.970 --> 00:07:43.640 align:middle line:84% are 15 by elementary school janitors across the street, 00:07:43.640 --> 00:07:45.920 align:middle line:84% left by husbands when they are eight months pregnant. 00:07:45.920 --> 00:07:48.820 align:middle line:84% Widowed at 50 by mean drunks, molested by uncles, 00:07:48.820 --> 00:07:51.320 align:middle line:84% diddled by cousins, sold for a night for a bag of marijuana, 00:07:51.320 --> 00:07:53.000 align:middle line:84% hit by husbands, raped in a bathroom, 00:07:53.000 --> 00:07:54.920 align:middle line:84% molested by neighbors, sent for abortions, 00:07:54.920 --> 00:07:59.090 align:middle line:84% forced to give birth to children they couldn't keep at 16. 00:07:59.090 --> 00:08:01.640 align:middle line:84% Men from this perspective may not seem bad in general, 00:08:01.640 --> 00:08:03.545 align:middle line:90% but seem bad in particular. 00:08:03.545 --> 00:08:05.420 align:middle line:84% You can see where there may be a hint of fear 00:08:05.420 --> 00:08:07.520 align:middle line:84% and these women sweat when men come around. 00:08:07.520 --> 00:08:10.220 align:middle line:84% Where there may be a looking up as if the sky or the cloud 00:08:10.220 --> 00:08:11.450 align:middle line:90% may save them. 00:08:11.450 --> 00:08:13.850 align:middle line:84% Why there's a quiet impatience to find a way back 00:08:13.850 --> 00:08:18.590 align:middle line:84% into the herd, into the weave, muddled, and milky, and plain. 00:08:18.590 --> 00:08:21.170 align:middle line:84% But from another perspective, this victimhood 00:08:21.170 --> 00:08:22.560 align:middle line:90% has its own power. 00:08:22.560 --> 00:08:24.890 align:middle line:84% The damsel in distress, the flocking 00:08:24.890 --> 00:08:26.750 align:middle line:84% to save, the measures we will take 00:08:26.750 --> 00:08:28.970 align:middle line:84% to protect something happening to our babies. 00:08:28.970 --> 00:08:31.730 align:middle line:84% To think-- and it has to stop with me-- 00:08:31.730 --> 00:08:33.380 align:middle line:90% to check the database. 00:08:33.380 --> 00:08:35.150 align:middle line:90% To choose a neighbor dependent. 00:08:35.150 --> 00:08:38.390 align:middle line:84% To buy a gun, to raise a gun, to look at our front door 00:08:38.390 --> 00:08:40.370 align:middle line:84% as the barrier between good and evil. 00:08:40.370 --> 00:08:43.909 align:middle line:84% To say that we've done a good job keeping danger at bay. 00:08:43.909 --> 00:08:46.340 align:middle line:84% As far at bay as we draw our borders. 00:08:46.340 --> 00:08:48.770 align:middle line:84% To be able to say, I can tell the difference 00:08:48.770 --> 00:08:53.650 align:middle line:84% between predator and suitor, between wolf and dog. 00:08:53.650 --> 00:08:56.740 align:middle line:84% But for each line that we draw, we compose a new nature. 00:08:56.740 --> 00:08:59.620 align:middle line:84% Whenever humans impact nature whether on psyches, 00:08:59.620 --> 00:09:01.930 align:middle line:84% like pedophiles creating new pedophiles, 00:09:01.930 --> 00:09:04.240 align:middle line:84% or changing habitat, or changing the food chain-- 00:09:04.240 --> 00:09:06.250 align:middle line:84% we establish new borders, new dams, 00:09:06.250 --> 00:09:08.950 align:middle line:90% new ways for the water to flow. 00:09:08.950 --> 00:09:11.210 align:middle line:84% In this nature we think we can keep in check. 00:09:11.210 --> 00:09:14.270 align:middle line:84% We can't keep nature, the thing we do to things. 00:09:14.270 --> 00:09:16.155 align:middle line:84% We can follow, and trace, and move, and act. 00:09:16.155 --> 00:09:18.280 align:middle line:84% We're always trying to be the noun in the sentence, 00:09:18.280 --> 00:09:20.290 align:middle line:90% avoid being the direct object. 00:09:20.290 --> 00:09:22.360 align:middle line:90% Don't let things be done to you. 00:09:22.360 --> 00:09:25.720 align:middle line:84% And as we do all that doing, all that making and harvesting, 00:09:25.720 --> 00:09:28.270 align:middle line:84% all the procreating and fence building-- someone or something 00:09:28.270 --> 00:09:29.500 align:middle line:90% is being changed. 00:09:29.500 --> 00:09:33.870 align:middle line:84% As the doer, you pretend you can control the change. 00:09:33.870 --> 00:09:35.200 align:middle line:90% Change is natural. 00:09:35.200 --> 00:09:37.720 align:middle line:84% Nature, both human and wild responds 00:09:37.720 --> 00:09:39.850 align:middle line:90% to change with equilibrium. 00:09:39.850 --> 00:09:42.790 align:middle line:84% The change that happens to what you do to nature 00:09:42.790 --> 00:09:45.760 align:middle line:84% is what happens to the nature in you. 00:09:45.760 --> 00:09:48.310 align:middle line:84% The more we try to keep the wild outside, 00:09:48.310 --> 00:09:52.210 align:middle line:84% the more the wild seems to creep in, fiercer, and divided, 00:09:52.210 --> 00:09:52.900 align:middle line:90% and former. 00:09:52.900 --> 00:09:55.812 align:middle line:90% 00:09:55.812 --> 00:09:57.770 align:middle line:84% When the neighbor came over to the garage sale, 00:09:57.770 --> 00:09:59.390 align:middle line:90% he told me about his daughter. 00:09:59.390 --> 00:10:02.090 align:middle line:90% She is 22 and has breast cancer. 00:10:02.090 --> 00:10:05.780 align:middle line:84% I wonder if she is the female slash minor in question. 00:10:05.780 --> 00:10:07.730 align:middle line:84% His wife, who I can see from the front porch, 00:10:07.730 --> 00:10:09.710 align:middle line:90% he told me he has blood clots. 00:10:09.710 --> 00:10:11.120 align:middle line:90% They're moving. 00:10:11.120 --> 00:10:12.410 align:middle line:90% I don't ask why. 00:10:12.410 --> 00:10:14.420 align:middle line:84% I imagine someone complained to the landlord 00:10:14.420 --> 00:10:16.628 align:middle line:84% and the landlord didn't want the stink of impure rent 00:10:16.628 --> 00:10:19.130 align:middle line:90% contaminating his wallet. 00:10:19.130 --> 00:10:23.240 align:middle line:84% The day they moved out, which is him carrying box after box. 00:10:23.240 --> 00:10:26.540 align:middle line:84% His wife with the blood clots couldn't lift anything. 00:10:26.540 --> 00:10:28.520 align:middle line:84% They packed their RAV4 and their Pathfinder 00:10:28.520 --> 00:10:31.340 align:middle line:90% to the respective roofs. 00:10:31.340 --> 00:10:34.670 align:middle line:84% I didn't offer to help, but I did watch from my window. 00:10:34.670 --> 00:10:36.290 align:middle line:90% I felt sorry for them. 00:10:36.290 --> 00:10:39.950 align:middle line:84% I hoped they would find a new place to live. 00:10:39.950 --> 00:10:42.920 align:middle line:84% The wolves haven't entered Utah yet. 00:10:42.920 --> 00:10:45.230 align:middle line:84% I want to warn the wolves, stay in Idaho. 00:10:45.230 --> 00:10:47.840 align:middle line:84% Stay in Wyoming, where the populations are lower, 00:10:47.840 --> 00:10:51.520 align:middle line:84% so the mobilization against you will be quieter. 00:10:51.520 --> 00:10:54.020 align:middle line:84% I wish you could come here and make the forest where the boy 00:10:54.020 --> 00:10:56.660 align:middle line:84% scouts get lost, where the campers get hit by lightning, 00:10:56.660 --> 00:10:58.670 align:middle line:84% or climbers fall and river runners drown. 00:10:58.670 --> 00:11:02.460 align:middle line:84% Wild again, wilder than they are. 00:11:02.460 --> 00:11:05.090 align:middle line:84% But the humans are everywhere and they are all armed. 00:11:05.090 --> 00:11:07.760 align:middle line:84% The cows and the sheep mill around even on the road. 00:11:07.760 --> 00:11:09.950 align:middle line:84% The cows aren't armed with anything but size. 00:11:09.950 --> 00:11:12.530 align:middle line:84% Sometimes cars run into them and the drivers die. 00:11:12.530 --> 00:11:15.800 align:middle line:84% But then, sometimes the cows die too. 00:11:15.800 --> 00:11:18.260 align:middle line:84% I keep the fantasies, as natural and perverted 00:11:18.260 --> 00:11:19.550 align:middle line:90% though they may be. 00:11:19.550 --> 00:11:21.860 align:middle line:84% The one about the wolf roaming the Rockies, 00:11:21.860 --> 00:11:23.360 align:middle line:84% and the one about the boy and the girl making out 00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:25.070 align:middle line:84% in the car pulled to the side of the road 00:11:25.070 --> 00:11:29.000 align:middle line:84% still stumble in my head like rocks in a polisher. 00:11:29.000 --> 00:11:32.570 align:middle line:84% It's natural to fantasize, even unnatural and impossible 00:11:32.570 --> 00:11:34.670 align:middle line:90% fantasies. 00:11:34.670 --> 00:11:36.860 align:middle line:84% Sands shift, things that were once 00:11:36.860 --> 00:11:40.220 align:middle line:84% white cliffs of sand turned to stone figurines. 00:11:40.220 --> 00:11:42.200 align:middle line:90% Sometimes fantasies come true. 00:11:42.200 --> 00:11:44.540 align:middle line:84% Sometimes you stop pretending if you control either 00:11:44.540 --> 00:11:46.790 align:middle line:90% the fantasies, or the sand. 00:11:46.790 --> 00:11:51.170 align:middle line:84% Sometimes you just mark, this happened, and then this. 00:11:51.170 --> 00:11:53.270 align:middle line:84% As we call the lines in the sand limestone, 00:11:53.270 --> 00:11:57.960 align:middle line:84% soapstone, sandstone-- each colorful variant of the other. 00:11:57.960 --> 00:12:00.950 align:middle line:84% Maybe you draw the line just asking right or wrong, fantasy 00:12:00.950 --> 00:12:03.020 align:middle line:90% or reality, wolf or dog. 00:12:03.020 --> 00:12:05.810 align:middle line:84% Just bringing them together and looking at them in contrast 00:12:05.810 --> 00:12:08.880 align:middle line:84% might be enough to make the distinctions clear. 00:12:08.880 --> 00:12:10.880 align:middle line:84% Or maybe it's in what you name things. 00:12:10.880 --> 00:12:13.670 align:middle line:90% Dog, fantasy. 00:12:13.670 --> 00:12:17.300 align:middle line:84% When Zoe was born, we named her Zoe, which means life. 00:12:17.300 --> 00:12:20.690 align:middle line:84% Whether natural or fantastical, that seemed like a good place 00:12:20.690 --> 00:12:21.830 align:middle line:90% to start. 00:12:21.830 --> 00:12:23.650 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:12:23.650 --> 00:12:26.000 align:middle line:90%