WEBVTT

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Thinking about my neighbor as
a kind of specific predator,

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a molester, made the idea
of molestation seem real.

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Through all the counseling
sessions and honest divulgences

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to boyfriends and at speak
outs into my own writing,

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I never really understood why
my mom made such a big deal.

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Having had sex, having
had been molested,

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what words I used in the high
sensitivity '90s

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to describe why I was who I
am now or how far I've come

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or how I'm like every
victim of man and men.

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I told the story, and I
told it like I tell a story,

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and it become a metaphor with
such obvious associations

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that even though it
gained me some attention,

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I started being sick of
even talking about it,

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defining myself by it, thinking
it had anything to do with me.

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I staved off victimhood
by telling other stories,

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by writing in the
third person, by making

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poetic and empty gestures to the
wind about the power of wolves.

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But my own daughter, that
somehow made it hit home.

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Maybe the wolves should
stay in Yellowstone.

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I don't have the stomach
to fight for them.

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Not that I have
any illusion that I

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make any impact on the case.

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Hopelessness is a time.

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Erik and I went to the regional
advisory council meeting

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to try to convince them not
to raise the number of cougar

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permits from 520 to 730.

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Do 730 cougars
still live in Utah?

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The high school is hot.

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We were in Springville, Utah.

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They won't have these meetings
in the relatively liberal Salt

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Lake City, for fear the
animal rights nuts will come

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out and state their blind case.

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Erik and I drove
for miles to attend.

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I was the only woman there.

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Everyone else,
sportsmen and ranchers.

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One guy stood up to
speak about his dogs.

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He advertised their special
cougar tracking abilities.

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If you want to hunt with
them dial, 1-800-TREE-A-CAT.

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One man spoke about the imminent
cougar threat to his children

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as they played innocently
in their backyard.

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Someone else spoke about the
one sheep he lost in 1997.

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He couldn't be sure
it was a cougar.

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Could have been a
coyote, but still.

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His sheep, his land, his
birthright since 1865.

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No one bothered to mention to
him that the cougar's ancestors

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predated his.

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Most everyone there was to decry
the paucity of great game deer.

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The drought had wiped
the deer population out.

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And who the hell
were these cougars

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to infringe on
their trophy hunt?

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Erik and I stumbled
up to the podium.

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I said something
particularly lame,

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like how can you issue
so many permits when

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no one has done a feasible
study on how many cougars

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are actually out there?

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There was no booing, just
rowdy talk over my voice.

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This wasn't a
meeting to determine

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the number of permits.

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No, it was more like a
poetry reading by a friend

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that everyone goes to and
says they love because it's

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the nice thing to do.

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In addition to confirming
what they all believed,

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that cougars in any number
are that number too many,

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preaching to their own
choir, the way they sing,

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as an added bonus, each
took home a handy number,

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1-800-TREE-A-CAT, in magnet
form for their fridge.

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I don't usually
conceive rape fantasies,

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but I do think of
innocence corrupted ones.

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Ones like teacher
seducing student,

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bishops seducing parishioner,
doctor seducing patient.

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During the six
months of pregnancy,

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before I contribute
to the wilding,

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weirding of her sexuality
by contaminating her

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with my non-missionary style
fantasies via the placenta,

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I decided to stop
thinking these thoughts.

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Not entirely convinced
these fantasies are bad.

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They make up my sexual identity.

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What if I don't have any
sexuality after I delete these

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from my database of turn-ons.

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What if I feel like I
sometimes feel at parties

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without a glass of
wine in my hand,

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like I may have no
reserves to go to

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in order to rise to the
occasion and be sociable?

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But as any drinker who
binges before they dry out,

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I invent one more fantasy.

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I, but the I is not really me.

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The female in the fantasy
is usually blank-faced.

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So is the man, for that matter.

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I'm in a church parking lot.

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I stayed late helping
to teach Sunday school.

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I'm 16, say.

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I arrived and left early.

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As I stand around
fretting, the newest member

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of the priesthood--

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it's always more subversive
to make these fantasies

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about Mormons--

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comes out to get into his car.

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His is the only car, an old
Honda, left in the parking lot.

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It's summer and
the asphalt is hot.

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He sees her-- see how quickly
I changed to the third person--

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and asks if she needs a ride.

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She says sure.

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No reason to worry
about someone moving up

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the ladder toward all salvation.

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They had known each other a
little in elementary school,

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but now he's graduated, and his
family is planning his mission.

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At 18 and as a male, he
has all the authority

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of the church behind him.

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So when he suggests taking
a back route to her home,

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she doesn't question him.

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So the cliches begin.

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He runs over a
snake, stops the car,

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turns it off, gets out
to look at the snake.

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The snake slithers away,
he gets back in the car,

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but the car won't start.

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Things can take many turns.

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One is that the guy has a beer.

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She takes a sip,
a slippery slope.

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Once she has a taste of liquor,
against the church's words

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of wisdom, what
recourse does she

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have to refuse him from there?

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The other is that he
asked her to follow him,

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to chase the deer
or snake or rabbit

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or whatever he saw out
of the corner of his eye.

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Since it's too hot
to wait in the car,

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he suggest they take
a blanket and sit down

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in the shade of the
copse of scrub oak.

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She sits down as
gracefully as she

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can in her white, white dress.

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He asks her what she likes
best about the Bible.

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She says she likes the
story of the Garden of Eden.

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He says, does she know that the
garden is the most important

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part of the story?

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That before Eve ate then
offered the bite of the apple,

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Adam and Eve had
sex all the time?

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She says she thought
that the sex was

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the punishment, that the
shame of their nakedness

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had to do with
them finally coming

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to know each other as
opposite, with opposite parts,

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and that's where the
attraction and [? pay ?] lie,

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in difference.

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He touches the
neckline of her dress.

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No, he clarifies
for her, it's not

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difference that makes
for sexual attraction.

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It's power.

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