WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.720 align:middle line:90% 00:00:00.720 --> 00:00:03.190 align:middle line:84% "Kevin wears a suit to work every day. 00:00:03.190 --> 00:00:06.462 align:middle line:84% He's a patent lawyer for a biomedical research company. 00:00:06.462 --> 00:00:08.670 align:middle line:84% It's a pretty laid back place, so he could dress more 00:00:08.670 --> 00:00:10.270 align:middle line:84% casually, but he likes the advantage 00:00:10.270 --> 00:00:12.180 align:middle line:90% the formality gives him. 00:00:12.180 --> 00:00:14.670 align:middle line:84% He's not especially handsome, but his shirt is crisp, 00:00:14.670 --> 00:00:17.670 align:middle line:84% his tie well-chosen, his fingernails trimmed, 00:00:17.670 --> 00:00:20.910 align:middle line:84% and his hair nicely kept, neat with a bit of bounce. 00:00:20.910 --> 00:00:23.610 align:middle line:90% What more can a man do? 00:00:23.610 --> 00:00:27.210 align:middle line:84% For years, I hope to meet someone in a romantic way, 00:00:27.210 --> 00:00:31.068 align:middle line:84% at a coffee shop, on a train, at my high school reunion. 00:00:31.068 --> 00:00:32.610 align:middle line:84% The ones I hope to meet were the ones 00:00:32.610 --> 00:00:34.560 align:middle line:84% I never talked to in high school, whose 00:00:34.560 --> 00:00:37.890 align:middle line:84% sleepy, sexy faces I stared at through an algebra or history 00:00:37.890 --> 00:00:39.330 align:middle line:90% haze. 00:00:39.330 --> 00:00:41.190 align:middle line:84% At the 15-year reunion, I was cornered 00:00:41.190 --> 00:00:43.710 align:middle line:84% by Dina who, when tests were handed back in class, 00:00:43.710 --> 00:00:46.830 align:middle line:84% would immediately turn around and ask me what grade I got. 00:00:46.830 --> 00:00:49.470 align:middle line:84% She'd become a middle school guidance counselor. 00:00:49.470 --> 00:00:52.590 align:middle line:84% For hours, she went on about "my kids" and how cute and troubled 00:00:52.590 --> 00:00:55.470 align:middle line:84% they were while I eyed whatever men didn't seem to have 00:00:55.470 --> 00:00:57.520 align:middle line:90% a woman attached to them. 00:00:57.520 --> 00:00:59.490 align:middle line:84% The only one I talked to smelled like sardines 00:00:59.490 --> 00:01:03.000 align:middle line:84% and laughed when I said things that weren't at all funny. 00:01:03.000 --> 00:01:05.670 align:middle line:84% He claimed we used to play badminton together in gym 00:01:05.670 --> 00:01:07.170 align:middle line:84% but all I could remember was that he 00:01:07.170 --> 00:01:09.870 align:middle line:84% had a hot older brother who played Pippin in a drama club 00:01:09.870 --> 00:01:12.240 align:middle line:90% production. 00:01:12.240 --> 00:01:15.150 align:middle line:84% After that, I gave up and went online. 00:01:15.150 --> 00:01:17.400 align:middle line:84% At first, it was like the lure of the grocery store 00:01:17.400 --> 00:01:19.590 align:middle line:84% at midnight, the tantalizing heaps 00:01:19.590 --> 00:01:22.830 align:middle line:84% of food stocking the shelves until you realize they're all 00:01:22.830 --> 00:01:25.200 align:middle line:90% filled with corn syrup. 00:01:25.200 --> 00:01:28.200 align:middle line:84% But Kevin was made of solid, old-fashioned ingredients, 00:01:28.200 --> 00:01:31.260 align:middle line:84% things you could identify as wholesome and true. 00:01:31.260 --> 00:01:33.690 align:middle line:84% We skipped the flirty emails and the hesitant phone 00:01:33.690 --> 00:01:36.090 align:middle line:84% calls and went right to sleeping together. 00:01:36.090 --> 00:01:38.850 align:middle line:84% He would undress in my living room, the wingtip shoes, 00:01:38.850 --> 00:01:42.780 align:middle line:84% the Argyle socks, the creased pants, the boyish undershirt. 00:01:42.780 --> 00:01:45.120 align:middle line:90% His boxers were soft and worn. 00:01:45.120 --> 00:01:47.790 align:middle line:84% I didn't feel very attached to him yet. 00:01:47.790 --> 00:01:49.200 align:middle line:90% It happened slowly. 00:01:49.200 --> 00:01:52.950 align:middle line:84% First body and then mind, my skin leading the charge. 00:01:52.950 --> 00:01:53.850 align:middle line:90% Love him. 00:01:53.850 --> 00:01:55.710 align:middle line:90% Love him. 00:01:55.710 --> 00:01:57.810 align:middle line:84% On the second date, we established that both of us 00:01:57.810 --> 00:02:01.890 align:middle line:84% wanted kids, preferably two, but we weren't in a rush. 00:02:01.890 --> 00:02:05.070 align:middle line:84% And then suddenly, in the way that even the passage of three 00:02:05.070 --> 00:02:08.160 align:middle line:90% years can feel sudden, we were. 00:02:08.160 --> 00:02:11.160 align:middle line:84% The more we wait, the more rushed we are. 00:02:11.160 --> 00:02:14.940 align:middle line:84% Every 28 days, I mark an S in my pocket calendar for old Aunt 00:02:14.940 --> 00:02:16.230 align:middle line:90% Sally. 00:02:16.230 --> 00:02:19.770 align:middle line:84% She was miserably punctual, though once it was 32 days. 00:02:19.770 --> 00:02:22.800 align:middle line:84% I couldn't get to sleep on night 31. 00:02:22.800 --> 00:02:26.100 align:middle line:84% I kept squirming around in bed until Kevin caught me. 00:02:26.100 --> 00:02:28.050 align:middle line:90% 'What's going on, sweetie?' 00:02:28.050 --> 00:02:31.210 align:middle line:84% I didn't want to say anything but I couldn't help myself. 00:02:31.210 --> 00:02:33.900 align:middle line:84% 'I was supposed to get my period two days ago.' 00:02:33.900 --> 00:02:34.470 align:middle line:90% 'Yeah? 00:02:34.470 --> 00:02:36.060 align:middle line:90% How do you feel?' 00:02:36.060 --> 00:02:36.780 align:middle line:90% 'Fine. 00:02:36.780 --> 00:02:37.590 align:middle line:90% Anxious. 00:02:37.590 --> 00:02:40.350 align:middle line:84% Maybe a tiny bit nauseous?' 'Really?' 00:02:40.350 --> 00:02:41.880 align:middle line:90% 'A tiny bit.' 00:02:41.880 --> 00:02:44.370 align:middle line:84% Kevin slowly moved two fingers out from the point 00:02:44.370 --> 00:02:47.520 align:middle line:84% where my breasts met, sliding them down each side of my torso 00:02:47.520 --> 00:02:51.870 align:middle line:84% and ending up at my belly button like tracing a Valentine. 00:02:51.870 --> 00:02:54.360 align:middle line:90% 'Do you like the name Penelope?' 00:02:54.360 --> 00:02:55.890 align:middle line:90% 'You mean like Penelope Cruz? 00:02:55.890 --> 00:02:58.680 align:middle line:90% No way.' 'Rina?' 00:02:58.680 --> 00:03:00.390 align:middle line:90% 'Reminds me of renal failure. 00:03:00.390 --> 00:03:03.600 align:middle line:84% I don't know what it is, but I know I don't want it.' 00:03:03.600 --> 00:03:07.140 align:middle line:84% 'How about Elliot?' 'My cousin, Melissa's son, is named Elliot. 00:03:07.140 --> 00:03:08.850 align:middle line:90% What else have you got?' 00:03:08.850 --> 00:03:10.800 align:middle line:90% 'I love Oliver.' 'Come on. 00:03:10.800 --> 00:03:12.360 align:middle line:90% The Todman kid, the Porter kid. 00:03:12.360 --> 00:03:14.640 align:middle line:90% Everyone's named Oliver.' 00:03:14.640 --> 00:03:17.070 align:middle line:84% This kind of banter had been forbidden for months. 00:03:17.070 --> 00:03:20.700 align:middle line:84% We picked it up now like AAers playing a drinking game. 00:03:20.700 --> 00:03:22.420 align:middle line:84% We knew very well what we were doing, 00:03:22.420 --> 00:03:25.630 align:middle line:84% but we hoped that this time would be different. 00:03:25.630 --> 00:03:27.990 align:middle line:84% My period came Friday afternoon at work. 00:03:27.990 --> 00:03:30.780 align:middle line:84% I sat on the toilet and pictured babies living in the sewer 00:03:30.780 --> 00:03:33.720 align:middle line:84% system, playing in filth but somehow still 00:03:33.720 --> 00:03:36.720 align:middle line:84% clean and happy, a gang of little naked bottoms 00:03:36.720 --> 00:03:41.520 align:middle line:84% and fuzz heads throwing balls of shit and yelping with glee. 00:03:41.520 --> 00:03:43.440 align:middle line:84% Then I had to go home and tell Kevin, 00:03:43.440 --> 00:03:45.690 align:middle line:84% which I did by making sure the tampon wrapper was 00:03:45.690 --> 00:03:48.240 align:middle line:90% visible in the trash. 00:03:48.240 --> 00:03:50.850 align:middle line:84% I call Audrey on her birthday and when the phone connects, 00:03:50.850 --> 00:03:53.790 align:middle line:84% I hear the clinking around her before she says hello. 00:03:53.790 --> 00:03:57.173 align:middle line:84% She and Jeff are having brunch with friends. 00:03:57.173 --> 00:03:57.840 align:middle line:90% 'Go back to it.' 00:03:57.840 --> 00:03:59.620 align:middle line:84% I tell her. 'Eat your eggs Benedict.' 00:03:59.620 --> 00:04:00.120 align:middle line:90% 'Yep. 00:04:00.120 --> 00:04:02.160 align:middle line:84% That's what I'm having,' she says. 00:04:02.160 --> 00:04:03.360 align:middle line:90% 'And a Bloody Mary?' 00:04:03.360 --> 00:04:04.860 align:middle line:90% 'No, just OJ. 00:04:04.860 --> 00:04:06.070 align:middle line:90% Hey, thanks for the sweater. 00:04:06.070 --> 00:04:08.910 align:middle line:84% It's really cozy.' 'I wanted to get you something with 00:04:08.910 --> 00:04:11.580 align:middle line:84% interest, as mom would say, but there was nothing out there. 00:04:11.580 --> 00:04:13.620 align:middle line:90% The mall is a disappointment.' 00:04:13.620 --> 00:04:14.350 align:middle line:90% 'Did you hear me? 00:04:14.350 --> 00:04:15.840 align:middle line:90% I said I like it.' 00:04:15.840 --> 00:04:19.029 align:middle line:84% 'Well, wear it in good health, as grandma would have said.' 00:04:19.029 --> 00:04:22.380 align:middle line:84% 'You sound depressed.' 'Go back to your birthday brunch,' I 00:04:22.380 --> 00:04:26.550 align:middle line:84% yell as if volume equals enthusiasm, and end the call. 00:04:26.550 --> 00:04:29.220 align:middle line:84% When we lived close by and saw each other often, 00:04:29.220 --> 00:04:31.980 align:middle line:84% Audrey would notice if I got a haircut, or new shoes, 00:04:31.980 --> 00:04:32.700 align:middle line:90% or earrings. 00:04:32.700 --> 00:04:34.980 align:middle line:84% And she was liberal with compliments. 00:04:34.980 --> 00:04:37.140 align:middle line:84% She would also tell me that I look tired 00:04:37.140 --> 00:04:39.330 align:middle line:84% but that my concealer wasn't concealing 00:04:39.330 --> 00:04:43.020 align:middle line:84% or that my jeans had gone beyond fashionably worn. 00:04:43.020 --> 00:04:44.880 align:middle line:84% Now that we don't see each other much, 00:04:44.880 --> 00:04:47.670 align:middle line:84% she comments on the sound of my voice. 00:04:47.670 --> 00:04:50.370 align:middle line:84% I know she doesn't intend to be mean or nosy. 00:04:50.370 --> 00:04:53.040 align:middle line:90% She intends to be accurate. 00:04:53.040 --> 00:04:57.390 align:middle line:84% Over the years, I found her accuracy refreshing, intimate. 00:04:57.390 --> 00:05:02.460 align:middle line:84% Lately, it makes me wish I had a quiet, oblivious brother. 00:05:02.460 --> 00:05:03.060 align:middle line:90% I'm the boss. 00:05:03.060 --> 00:05:04.770 align:middle line:90% The baby stares me down. 00:05:04.770 --> 00:05:07.080 align:middle line:90% Of course I'm staring him down. 00:05:07.080 --> 00:05:09.330 align:middle line:84% I don't know which one of us started it. 00:05:09.330 --> 00:05:11.850 align:middle line:84% I'm standing across from him in complete winter garb, 00:05:11.850 --> 00:05:14.220 align:middle line:84% grasping the bar with a gloved hand. 00:05:14.220 --> 00:05:16.170 align:middle line:84% When I moved to let a fat woman heave down 00:05:16.170 --> 00:05:18.240 align:middle line:84% into the one remaining seat, the baby 00:05:18.240 --> 00:05:20.490 align:middle line:90% turns his head to follow me. 00:05:20.490 --> 00:05:23.490 align:middle line:84% What attracts his attention at this stage in life? 00:05:23.490 --> 00:05:25.470 align:middle line:90% A matter of months. 00:05:25.470 --> 00:05:27.660 align:middle line:84% The deep red of my coat, the toggle buttons 00:05:27.660 --> 00:05:32.100 align:middle line:84% protruding from it, a feminine face about his mother's age? 00:05:32.100 --> 00:05:34.590 align:middle line:84% Despite the gold ring on the cute father's finger, 00:05:34.590 --> 00:05:36.000 align:middle line:90% I pretend he's on his own. 00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:37.680 align:middle line:90% A single parent. 00:05:37.680 --> 00:05:41.130 align:middle line:84% Not knowing his name, I think of him as Javier. 00:05:41.130 --> 00:05:45.210 align:middle line:84% What happened to the woman who bore Javier's adorable child? 00:05:45.210 --> 00:05:48.330 align:middle line:84% She loves Uruguay more, with its rolling plains, 00:05:48.330 --> 00:05:51.540 align:middle line:84% and ample rivers, and her whole family there, all the aunts 00:05:51.540 --> 00:05:55.320 align:middle line:84% and cousins and children to care for as if they were your own. 00:05:55.320 --> 00:05:58.500 align:middle line:84% Or she is off with another one of her photojournalists, 00:05:58.500 --> 00:06:00.180 align:middle line:84% knowing the baby will fare better 00:06:00.180 --> 00:06:02.880 align:middle line:84% with his warm and dependable father. 00:06:02.880 --> 00:06:05.250 align:middle line:84% Or she died within a week of the birth, 00:06:05.250 --> 00:06:09.480 align:middle line:84% a complication no one could have anticipated or prevented. 00:06:09.480 --> 00:06:12.060 align:middle line:84% Yes, Javier seems too smiley to have endured 00:06:12.060 --> 00:06:15.540 align:middle line:84% a recently departed love, but it's his personality, 00:06:15.540 --> 00:06:16.830 align:middle line:90% kind and hopeful. 00:06:16.830 --> 00:06:19.890 align:middle line:84% And now there's his son to think of too. 00:06:19.890 --> 00:06:22.890 align:middle line:84% Besides, everyone knows that only children smile out 00:06:22.890 --> 00:06:24.330 align:middle line:90% of sheer delight. 00:06:24.330 --> 00:06:27.420 align:middle line:84% In a real adult smile, there is always something other 00:06:27.420 --> 00:06:28.720 align:middle line:90% than happiness." 00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:29.400 align:middle line:90% Thanks so much. 00:06:29.400 --> 00:06:31.550 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE]