WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.720 align:middle line:90% 00:00:00.720 --> 00:00:02.880 align:middle line:84% "She'd already read the first three chapters. 00:00:02.880 --> 00:00:05.250 align:middle line:84% It was a novel where all the characters were rabbits, 00:00:05.250 --> 00:00:08.160 align:middle line:90% but it was for adults, thick. 00:00:08.160 --> 00:00:11.430 align:middle line:84% Later, he borrowed it to catch up on the beginning. 00:00:11.430 --> 00:00:13.590 align:middle line:84% Louisa wanted him to read to her in the bedroom 00:00:13.590 --> 00:00:15.930 align:middle line:84% so she could lie down and imagine it all. 00:00:15.930 --> 00:00:18.570 align:middle line:84% She set a chair next to the bed, then took off her shoes 00:00:18.570 --> 00:00:20.430 align:middle line:90% and stretched out. 00:00:20.430 --> 00:00:23.077 align:middle line:84% This isn't right, she said, after a few pages. 00:00:23.077 --> 00:00:23.910 align:middle line:90% The way I'm reading? 00:00:23.910 --> 00:00:25.200 align:middle line:90% Marco said. 00:00:25.200 --> 00:00:27.450 align:middle line:84% She said it was strange because she couldn't see him. 00:00:27.450 --> 00:00:29.880 align:middle line:84% She said that his voice was kind of disembodied, 00:00:29.880 --> 00:00:31.480 align:middle line:84% and that distracted her from following 00:00:31.480 --> 00:00:33.915 align:middle line:90% what was going on in the story. 00:00:33.915 --> 00:00:35.790 align:middle line:84% Is it all right if I reach out and touch you, 00:00:35.790 --> 00:00:38.430 align:middle line:90% she said, while you read? 00:00:38.430 --> 00:00:39.930 align:middle line:84% They tried it for another few pages, 00:00:39.930 --> 00:00:42.480 align:middle line:84% but she still couldn't get a sense of him. 00:00:42.480 --> 00:00:44.310 align:middle line:90% What is it, he said. 00:00:44.310 --> 00:00:46.140 align:middle line:90% Your clothes, Louisa said. 00:00:46.140 --> 00:00:49.710 align:middle line:84% It might be better if I didn't have to feel you through them. 00:00:49.710 --> 00:00:51.392 align:middle line:90% Is this turning too weird? 00:00:51.392 --> 00:00:53.100 align:middle line:84% You don't know what it's like, like this. 00:00:53.100 --> 00:00:54.517 align:middle line:84% I started needing different things 00:00:54.517 --> 00:00:57.158 align:middle line:90% to feel anything to understand. 00:00:57.158 --> 00:00:59.700 align:middle line:84% At first, it seemed it would be enough to take off his shirt, 00:00:59.700 --> 00:01:01.740 align:middle line:90% to strip down to his underwear. 00:01:01.740 --> 00:01:03.480 align:middle line:84% Part of it was to test her maybe, 00:01:03.480 --> 00:01:05.940 align:middle line:84% to see if she was having him on somehow. 00:01:05.940 --> 00:01:08.760 align:middle line:84% And part of it was that it excited him. 00:01:08.760 --> 00:01:10.470 align:middle line:84% Did she know you were all the way naked, 00:01:10.470 --> 00:01:12.960 align:middle line:90% I said, afraid to interrupt. 00:01:12.960 --> 00:01:15.538 align:middle line:90% I believe so, he said. 00:01:15.538 --> 00:01:17.580 align:middle line:84% He had never been involved in anything like that, 00:01:17.580 --> 00:01:19.710 align:middle line:90% he told me, never felt that way. 00:01:19.710 --> 00:01:22.510 align:middle line:84% He'd been married before, even, and this was different. 00:01:22.510 --> 00:01:24.840 align:middle line:84% He felt it in his heart, he said, knowing 00:01:24.840 --> 00:01:26.820 align:middle line:90% how ridiculous that sounded. 00:01:26.820 --> 00:01:29.430 align:middle line:84% And he'd never even touched Louisa, not once. 00:01:29.430 --> 00:01:31.225 align:middle line:84% Yet sometimes, as the weeks passed, 00:01:31.225 --> 00:01:32.850 align:middle line:84% he'd wake up in the middle of the night 00:01:32.850 --> 00:01:34.800 align:middle line:84% because he'd been laughing in his sleep. 00:01:34.800 --> 00:01:38.250 align:middle line:84% He'd just lie there, smiling in the darkness. 00:01:38.250 --> 00:01:41.080 align:middle line:84% Are you happy, Louisa asked him, a little later 00:01:41.080 --> 00:01:42.750 align:middle line:90% that first night. 00:01:42.750 --> 00:01:44.370 align:middle line:90% I guess so, he said. 00:01:44.370 --> 00:01:46.950 align:middle line:84% She told him it seemed like an uneven trade. 00:01:46.950 --> 00:01:48.900 align:middle line:90% Well, he said, I can see. 00:01:48.900 --> 00:01:49.860 align:middle line:90% I can read. 00:01:49.860 --> 00:01:51.480 align:middle line:90% I can see you. 00:01:51.480 --> 00:01:52.680 align:middle line:90% Are the lights on, she said. 00:01:52.680 --> 00:01:54.210 align:middle line:90% Can you see well enough? 00:01:54.210 --> 00:01:57.138 align:middle line:84% Yes, he said, except you're wearing clothes. 00:01:57.138 --> 00:01:58.680 align:middle line:84% As soon as he said that, he was sorry 00:01:58.680 --> 00:01:59.960 align:middle line:90% and he wanted to take it back. 00:01:59.960 --> 00:02:01.420 align:middle line:90% He wanted to say it was a joke. 00:02:01.420 --> 00:02:03.040 align:middle line:90% But it was too late for that. 00:02:03.040 --> 00:02:05.370 align:middle line:84% Louisa had already begun to answer. 00:02:05.370 --> 00:02:07.530 align:middle line:84% One piece at a time, she took off her clothing, 00:02:07.530 --> 00:02:10.500 align:middle line:84% folded it, and stacked it at the foot of the bag. 00:02:10.500 --> 00:02:13.273 align:middle line:84% She lay back, her hand on his leg again. 00:02:13.273 --> 00:02:14.940 align:middle line:84% He knew he was not allowed to touch her, 00:02:14.940 --> 00:02:17.070 align:middle line:90% just as she could not see him. 00:02:17.070 --> 00:02:19.740 align:middle line:90% Now, read, she said. 00:02:19.740 --> 00:02:21.570 align:middle line:84% And that's how it always was after that. 00:02:21.570 --> 00:02:23.070 align:middle line:84% There was nothing showy about it. 00:02:23.070 --> 00:02:25.350 align:middle line:84% As if she was alone, unlacing her shoes, 00:02:25.350 --> 00:02:28.080 align:middle line:84% unbuttoning her shirt as he began to read. 00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:30.720 align:middle line:84% He turned the lamp up high and moved in closer to her. 00:02:30.720 --> 00:02:33.750 align:middle line:84% Her shadow twisted low across the opposite wall, 00:02:33.750 --> 00:02:37.140 align:middle line:84% attached to his by her hand, checking that he was there. 00:02:37.140 --> 00:02:40.590 align:middle line:84% He flexed his bare toes on the cool floorboards. 00:02:40.590 --> 00:02:42.930 align:middle line:84% Louisa's skin was dark and smooth, solid, 00:02:42.930 --> 00:02:44.310 align:middle line:90% hiding her bones. 00:02:44.310 --> 00:02:45.810 align:middle line:90% She wasn't skinny. 00:02:45.810 --> 00:02:48.990 align:middle line:84% Her thighs were heavy, a scar above one knee. 00:02:48.990 --> 00:02:51.900 align:middle line:84% Stretching and turning over, she'd laugh and hold a smile, 00:02:51.900 --> 00:02:54.240 align:middle line:90% showing her teeth, listening. 00:02:54.240 --> 00:02:56.730 align:middle line:84% She had a faded tattoo of a rose on her right hip 00:02:56.730 --> 00:02:59.940 align:middle line:84% and a smaller, clearer one over her right nipple. 00:02:59.940 --> 00:03:02.610 align:middle line:84% Perfume rose from her skin as Marco read. 00:03:02.610 --> 00:03:05.700 align:middle line:84% Sometimes he'd look up into the full length mirror on the wall 00:03:05.700 --> 00:03:08.490 align:middle line:84% and see her thin waist angling out to her rounded hips, 00:03:08.490 --> 00:03:11.100 align:middle line:84% and himself, the book in one hand and a glass 00:03:11.100 --> 00:03:13.740 align:middle line:90% of water in the other. 00:03:13.740 --> 00:03:16.430 align:middle line:84% He drank between chapters, rested his voice. 00:03:16.430 --> 00:03:18.847 align:middle line:84% He counted the few hairs that circled her nipples, watched 00:03:18.847 --> 00:03:20.790 align:middle line:84% how her breasts slid across each other 00:03:20.790 --> 00:03:23.180 align:middle line:84% when she turned, enough space between them 00:03:23.180 --> 00:03:25.520 align:middle line:90% to hide a flattened hand. 00:03:25.520 --> 00:03:28.040 align:middle line:84% The hair under her arms matched that between her legs, 00:03:28.040 --> 00:03:30.980 align:middle line:84% where the edges, unshaven, were growing back. 00:03:30.980 --> 00:03:33.920 align:middle line:84% Her eyes stared and stared, shining. 00:03:33.920 --> 00:03:36.380 align:middle line:90% Are you happy, she asked him. 00:03:36.380 --> 00:03:38.780 align:middle line:84% He told me that she wore no jewelry at all, that there 00:03:38.780 --> 00:03:40.940 align:middle line:90% was nothing on her, nothing. 00:03:40.940 --> 00:03:44.090 align:middle line:84% She and Marco hardly spoke, except for his reading, 00:03:44.090 --> 00:03:46.640 align:middle line:84% or deciding on the time they'd next meet. 00:03:46.640 --> 00:03:50.190 align:middle line:84% He never asked about her husband and Louisa never brought it up. 00:03:50.190 --> 00:03:53.898 align:middle line:84% He felt there were many silent understandings between them. 00:03:53.898 --> 00:03:55.940 align:middle line:84% Of course, it took him weeks to tell me all this, 00:03:55.940 --> 00:03:58.520 align:middle line:84% and even in pieces, the information was not easy for me 00:03:58.520 --> 00:03:59.930 align:middle line:90% to process. 00:03:59.930 --> 00:04:01.730 align:middle line:90% It was difficult to shake. 00:04:01.730 --> 00:04:04.880 align:middle line:84% Sometimes, even now, I set a glass of water beside me, 00:04:04.880 --> 00:04:07.010 align:middle line:90% and I hold a book in one hand. 00:04:07.010 --> 00:04:08.960 align:middle line:84% I read aloud, my voice echoing off 00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:10.940 align:middle line:84% the tight walls of the room I rent, 00:04:10.940 --> 00:04:13.520 align:middle line:84% not letting my eyes wander from the page. 00:04:13.520 --> 00:04:16.160 align:middle line:84% And I imagine my other hand belongs to Louisa, 00:04:16.160 --> 00:04:20.250 align:middle line:84% and that she is listening to me, and that she can't see a thing. 00:04:20.250 --> 00:04:22.245 align:middle line:84% Marco's story was far-fetched, but I had never 00:04:22.245 --> 00:04:23.640 align:middle line:90% known him to lie. 00:04:23.640 --> 00:04:25.550 align:middle line:84% Still, I'd sometimes watch at work, 00:04:25.550 --> 00:04:27.760 align:middle line:84% pausing with a book open in front of him. 00:04:27.760 --> 00:04:30.510 align:middle line:84% And I'd wonder if he was coming up with stories to tell me, 00:04:30.510 --> 00:04:32.563 align:middle line:84% or searching for something for her, 00:04:32.563 --> 00:04:34.230 align:middle line:84% or if he was just staring into the words 00:04:34.230 --> 00:04:36.780 align:middle line:84% without reading, and trying to think. 00:04:36.780 --> 00:04:39.060 align:middle line:84% We both slowed as the weeks went on. 00:04:39.060 --> 00:04:42.300 align:middle line:84% He slacked off worse than I did, but I didn't mind. 00:04:42.300 --> 00:04:44.940 align:middle line:84% Mostly we spent our time reading. 00:04:44.940 --> 00:04:46.860 align:middle line:84% We were using the rubber sponges then, 00:04:46.860 --> 00:04:49.320 align:middle line:84% so there was no longer the vacuum's roar. 00:04:49.320 --> 00:04:50.820 align:middle line:84% The reflection of the face shields 00:04:50.820 --> 00:04:52.290 align:middle line:90% made it difficult to read. 00:04:52.290 --> 00:04:55.020 align:middle line:84% Sometimes we let the hood slump over our backs, 00:04:55.020 --> 00:04:57.840 align:middle line:84% and wore only the ventilator masks with the HEPA filters, 00:04:57.840 --> 00:05:00.150 align:middle line:90% our eyes clear and uncovered. 00:05:00.150 --> 00:05:02.580 align:middle line:84% In the books where the fungus had really taken hold, 00:05:02.580 --> 00:05:05.760 align:middle line:84% it bled down into the pages in red and purple stains, 00:05:05.760 --> 00:05:09.990 align:middle line:84% blurring letters, eating words that we could not recover. 00:05:09.990 --> 00:05:12.890 align:middle line:84% Louisa and Marco did not always meet at the same time. 00:05:12.890 --> 00:05:14.640 align:middle line:84% Once she called him at 3:00 in the morning 00:05:14.640 --> 00:05:15.960 align:middle line:84% saying she couldn't sleep, saying 00:05:15.960 --> 00:05:17.835 align:middle line:84% she could hear his footsteps, and wouldn't he 00:05:17.835 --> 00:05:19.260 align:middle line:90% like to come read? 00:05:19.260 --> 00:05:21.840 align:middle line:84% They finished the first novel, then went through another, 00:05:21.840 --> 00:05:22.860 align:middle line:90% and another. 00:05:22.860 --> 00:05:27.463 align:middle line:84% She liked books about animals, others where women took charge. 00:05:27.463 --> 00:05:29.130 align:middle line:84% One of their understandings was that she 00:05:29.130 --> 00:05:31.230 align:middle line:84% had to come for him, not the other way around. 00:05:31.230 --> 00:05:33.660 align:middle line:84% After all, he was doing her a favor. 00:05:33.660 --> 00:05:35.160 align:middle line:84% It was on a night when he waited, 00:05:35.160 --> 00:05:38.400 align:middle line:84% listening for the doorbell, the phone, her knock on the wall, 00:05:38.400 --> 00:05:41.400 align:middle line:84% that he heard the man's voice, next door. 00:05:41.400 --> 00:05:44.370 align:middle line:84% And it was not the voice of Louisa's husband. 00:05:44.370 --> 00:05:46.710 align:middle line:84% Marco was jealous, partly, but he also 00:05:46.710 --> 00:05:47.835 align:middle line:90% feared something was wrong. 00:05:47.835 --> 00:05:48.670 align:middle line:90% 00:05:48.670 --> 00:05:50.610 align:middle line:84% He took a can of corn from his own cupboard 00:05:50.610 --> 00:05:52.710 align:middle line:84% so he could use it as an excuse, say 00:05:52.710 --> 00:05:54.900 align:middle line:90% he forgot to give it to her. 00:05:54.900 --> 00:05:56.880 align:middle line:84% He tried the door knob before the bell, 00:05:56.880 --> 00:05:58.410 align:middle line:90% and the door swung open. 00:05:58.410 --> 00:06:00.960 align:middle line:84% He stepped inside, the can of corn in his fist, 00:06:00.960 --> 00:06:03.180 align:middle line:90% ready to hit someone with it. 00:06:03.180 --> 00:06:05.460 align:middle line:84% In the dim living room, he moved around the furniture 00:06:05.460 --> 00:06:07.980 align:middle line:84% as easily she had that first day. 00:06:07.980 --> 00:06:10.560 align:middle line:84% He'd come to know her house that well. 00:06:10.560 --> 00:06:13.710 align:middle line:84% In the hallway, closer to the bedroom, he listened. 00:06:13.710 --> 00:06:15.580 align:middle line:84% Something about the man's voice seemed 00:06:15.580 --> 00:06:19.290 align:middle line:84% strange, the rhythm too regular, and Luisa never interrupting. 00:06:19.290 --> 00:06:21.995 align:middle line:84% He stepped to the doorway and looked inside. 00:06:21.995 --> 00:06:23.370 align:middle line:84% She was stretched out on the bed, 00:06:23.370 --> 00:06:25.230 align:middle line:84% wearing a long flannel nightgown, 00:06:25.230 --> 00:06:26.970 align:middle line:90% her face turned to the ceiling. 00:06:26.970 --> 00:06:29.730 align:middle line:84% On the bedside table, the tape recorder was playing, 00:06:29.730 --> 00:06:32.220 align:middle line:84% and the man's voice looped out from it, a hiss 00:06:32.220 --> 00:06:33.840 align:middle line:90% behind his words. 00:06:33.840 --> 00:06:37.477 align:middle line:84% Marco took another step into the room and waited there silently. 00:06:37.477 --> 00:06:39.060 align:middle line:84% He could tell she sensed him, that she 00:06:39.060 --> 00:06:40.290 align:middle line:90% knew he was in the room. 00:06:40.290 --> 00:06:43.530 align:middle line:84% And the fact that she said nothing made it all worse. 00:06:43.530 --> 00:06:45.000 align:middle line:84% As the taped voice looped around, 00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:47.430 align:middle line:84% Marco turned and walked back down the hall. 00:06:47.430 --> 00:06:51.460 align:middle line:84% He locked the front door, and gently pulled it closed. 00:06:51.460 --> 00:06:53.460 align:middle line:84% The next day, she told him the news. 00:06:53.460 --> 00:06:55.150 align:middle line:90% Her vision was returning. 00:06:55.150 --> 00:06:56.850 align:middle line:90% It was clearer each day. 00:06:56.850 --> 00:06:58.350 align:middle line:84% And the reading couldn't be the same 00:06:58.350 --> 00:07:00.600 align:middle line:84% if she could see the shape of him, his slumped shadow 00:07:00.600 --> 00:07:02.310 align:middle line:90% and the words coming out. 00:07:02.310 --> 00:07:04.290 align:middle line:84% Closing her eyes wouldn't work when she knew 00:07:04.290 --> 00:07:06.630 align:middle line:90% she could always open them. 00:07:06.630 --> 00:07:09.330 align:middle line:84% "Awkward," that's the word she used. 00:07:09.330 --> 00:07:12.390 align:middle line:84% Soon she'd be able to read once again on her own. 00:07:12.390 --> 00:07:14.880 align:middle line:84% When he told me that, I couldn't stop thinking about it. 00:07:14.880 --> 00:07:15.780 align:middle line:90% He'd been right. 00:07:15.780 --> 00:07:17.340 align:middle line:84% Something in me wanted to find her, 00:07:17.340 --> 00:07:20.420 align:middle line:84% to hold her down until she saw some sense. 00:07:20.420 --> 00:07:22.600 align:middle line:90% Marco never read to her again. 00:07:22.600 --> 00:07:25.500 align:middle line:84% He did find a place, though, where they made those tapes. 00:07:25.500 --> 00:07:27.540 align:middle line:84% He went there and volunteered, read a whole book 00:07:27.540 --> 00:07:29.020 align:middle line:90% into a microphone. 00:07:29.020 --> 00:07:30.990 align:middle line:84% He hoped Louisa might hear his voice, 00:07:30.990 --> 00:07:33.870 align:middle line:84% and remember, and have second thoughts. 00:07:33.870 --> 00:07:35.700 align:middle line:84% The sadness I felt hearing this was 00:07:35.700 --> 00:07:37.200 align:middle line:84% like I had breathed in the spores 00:07:37.200 --> 00:07:38.940 align:middle line:84% and they had thickened in my throat, 00:07:38.940 --> 00:07:42.930 align:middle line:84% blooming darkly through my organs cold, one at a time, 00:07:42.930 --> 00:07:46.788 align:middle line:84% like the way a blackout spills over sections of the city. 00:07:46.788 --> 00:07:48.330 align:middle line:84% There was a time I believed and hoped 00:07:48.330 --> 00:07:51.480 align:middle line:84% that job would continue indefinitely, that I might 00:07:51.480 --> 00:07:53.310 align:middle line:90% persuade Marco to stay on. 00:07:53.310 --> 00:07:55.710 align:middle line:84% But those blooms are seasonal mostly. 00:07:55.710 --> 00:07:57.767 align:middle line:90% Nothing stands still. 00:07:57.767 --> 00:07:59.850 align:middle line:84% We were finishing up, just wiping down the shelves 00:07:59.850 --> 00:08:03.700 align:middle line:84% with a Clorox solution, when he told me the end of the story. 00:08:03.700 --> 00:08:06.120 align:middle line:84% In fact, Marco left before the job was finished, 00:08:06.120 --> 00:08:08.880 align:middle line:84% without any warning, and I handled the last few days, 00:08:08.880 --> 00:08:10.680 align:middle line:84% tearing down the plastic barriers, 00:08:10.680 --> 00:08:12.990 align:middle line:90% taking down the signs by myself. 00:08:12.990 --> 00:08:15.120 align:middle line:84% He left that way, I believe, so he 00:08:15.120 --> 00:08:17.175 align:middle line:90% wouldn't have to say goodbye. 00:08:17.175 --> 00:08:19.050 align:middle line:84% It wasn't as if he thought things between him 00:08:19.050 --> 00:08:20.520 align:middle line:90% and Louisa could have continued. 00:08:20.520 --> 00:08:23.430 align:middle line:84% He knew the balance had changed, that they couldn't return. 00:08:23.430 --> 00:08:26.100 align:middle line:84% But he expected it all had to go somewhere, that it couldn't 00:08:26.100 --> 00:08:28.170 align:middle line:90% just trail off into nothing. 00:08:28.170 --> 00:08:29.880 align:middle line:90% She refused to speak about it. 00:08:29.880 --> 00:08:32.320 align:middle line:90% She was cool, quite unfriendly. 00:08:32.320 --> 00:08:34.230 align:middle line:84% She turned down the simplest favors. 00:08:34.230 --> 00:08:36.720 align:middle line:84% She said that had been a different time, that they 00:08:36.720 --> 00:08:39.780 align:middle line:84% have been different people, who needed different things. 00:08:39.780 --> 00:08:42.299 align:middle line:84% He felt that they were the same inside the changes. 00:08:42.299 --> 00:08:44.010 align:middle line:84% He needed her, and he couldn't stand 00:08:44.010 --> 00:08:46.470 align:middle line:84% the way she looked at him every day, watching him 00:08:46.470 --> 00:08:49.410 align:middle line:84% with those same eyes as he came home from work with his hood 00:08:49.410 --> 00:08:52.770 align:middle line:84% and ventilator bouncing along his back, the arms of the Tyvek 00:08:52.770 --> 00:08:55.590 align:middle line:90% suit tied off around his waist. 00:08:55.590 --> 00:08:57.630 align:middle line:84% Her gaze rested cold on him, settling, 00:08:57.630 --> 00:09:00.780 align:middle line:84% so he felt it even after he was inside his house. 00:09:00.780 --> 00:09:02.520 align:middle line:90% He sat alone, shivering. 00:09:02.520 --> 00:09:06.270 align:middle line:84% It was a very, very quiet on the other side of the wall. 00:09:06.270 --> 00:09:08.250 align:middle line:84% If I ever see Marco again, I'll tell him 00:09:08.250 --> 00:09:11.380 align:middle line:84% that I know what happened, even if she was ungrateful, 00:09:11.380 --> 00:09:14.040 align:middle line:90% even if she never understood. 00:09:14.040 --> 00:09:17.310 align:middle line:90% He healed her." 00:09:17.310 --> 00:09:20.660 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:09:20.660 --> 00:09:22.000 align:middle line:90%