WEBVTT

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"I need one more drink, and I
picture some little cantina,

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tiled counter, neon beer signs,
old calendars of bullfighters,

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and busty girls, and saints.

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I decide to look for
a place like that.

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But as soon as I'm
back in my car,

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I spread the city map
and drive to the address

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on Billy's driver's license.

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What a neighborhood--
weeds, dust, peeling paint.

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Everyone living here
could be senile.

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Billy has a unit in a
barracks-like structure.

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The walls show rusty drips
from the coolers on the roof

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and black widow webs shroud
the windows and the doorways.

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Billy's key works the lock.

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Inside it's hot and stale,
the air seems low on oxygen,

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and I can see, slowly turning,
my palms pressed to my thighs,

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that my brother left on
life not even a fingerprint.

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The sheets and
towels, dropped socks,

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tossed underwear, look grabbed
from thrift shop racks.

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On the dresser, a clock,
a rusted razor blade,

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a bank statement--

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balance around 60 bucks.

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I catch the old perfume
of his sweat and crouch

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to look beneath the bed.

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Only a hoe and a shovel,
blades crusted with soil.

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The telephone's dead and the
phone book seems never used.

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Billy isn't listed in it.

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Harry Buck is.

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En route, I stop
at Billy's bank.

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I want him back, but
it's too late for us.

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That 60 bucks is all
of him I can keep.

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And it's easy-- our handwriting
is very much the same.

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En route?

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En route where?

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I'd like it to be
Harry Buck's place.

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I imagine his home a monument
to art and money, a Windsor

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palace, a Taj Mahal, surrounded
by lawns and gardens.

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When I ring, I
imagine Buck himself,

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in his motorized wheelchair,
answering the door.

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Crippled or not and 80 at
least, he's handsome and gallant

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still.

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'Well,' he says, 'I know you.

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You're Bud Bach, the artist.'

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I want to tell him Billy's dead
and that I'm feeling terrified.

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I want to ask the old
commissioner how a man can

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live so long and well.

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But as we're shaking hands,
I just say, 'My pleasure.

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I happened to be in town.

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Alexander Resnikoff
suggested I say hello.'

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At Alex's name,
Harry Buck twinkles.

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'Please,' he says, 'come on in.

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Tell me what you're
painting these days.'

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We sit, as I imagine it, in
a room the size of a gym--

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terracotta with
floral splashes, Buck

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lounging in his wheelchair,
me on a sofa so vast that I

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feel like an afterthought.

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I'm not painting anything
new, but I tell him

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about my last show.

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Then I discuss my Apache
research, which is turning up

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some fascinating--

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I stop.

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There I am, position of
honor over the fireplace.

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The buffalo faintly steam.

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Where they've broken the ice
with their hooves to drink,

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slivers of it are
smeared with mud.

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In the foreground,
behind a rock,

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two braves wait there a moment.

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The elder, with just the
start of a fatty waist roll,

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has a cautionary hand on
the young one's shoulder.

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And Harry Buck
smiles, 'Of course--

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of course your painting
is in my home."

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Then he asks, 'Why
are we sitting inside?

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It's the kind of day that
may never come again.'

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Buck leads me through
the house, out

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to a sunny flagstoned courtyard
awash in bougainvillea.

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A many tiered fountain
feeds an ornamental pool,

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where old, slow goldfish flirt
their tails like negligees.

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'Shall we have some wine?'

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Wheelchair whirring, Buck
passes back and forth

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between patio and house.

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No maid?

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No butler?

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Who else lives here?

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As he brings burgundy
in glasses, comes again

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with a board of
cheese, I understand

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that we're truly alone.

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I remind myself, don't
do anything on impulse.

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And then I have to smile,
because I'm telling him,

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'it turns out to
be a honeymoon.'

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With what relief I
hear those words--

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whatever is waiting for me.

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Old age, non compos mentis,
and what comes at the end

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will wait a little longer.

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'Splendid!' Harry Buck cries.

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He pours, then hands me a glass.

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He raises his own,
'To many years of joy.

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I'd love you to tell
me about the person.'

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And I try--

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I try to conjure Harper's charm,
I try to evoke his tenderness.

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For the rest, no need to speak.

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I see Buck understand it from
the wealth of his experience--

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smiling and nodding,
letting his eyes close.

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For such a man, the dream
of men is a lullaby.

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I imagine, in the
shadow of the fountain,

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a disk of trembling light,
the sun off Harry Buck's

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wristwatch, bouncing
with his heartbeat.

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Buck may already be asleep.

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Look how his white
head has fallen.

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So my eyes closed, too.

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And now, I can see
my masterpiece--

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Harper, Alexander, Harry
Buck, Billy, and myself.

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I see us with arms
raised and hands joined.

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I see our faces,
young and shining,

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fearless in the
firelight, while floating

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upward, high above the campfire,
smoke reaches for the stars.

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But that's just what I imagine.

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I don't go to Buck's house.

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He might not be there, or he
might be hideously decayed

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and nothing would be
as I've painted it.

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Instead, I'm en
route to the mall.

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On our drive up to Phoenix,
I'll break the news to Harper

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that he's got to
find another home.

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As for me, I know I've got
to get myself back to work.

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I've been thinking about
a pow wow piece that

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should be really excellent.

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There are galleries in
Sedona and Scottsdale,

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in Santa Fe and Salt Lake,
that still might be interested.

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I'm there, in my new
painting, already

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home, as I weave through
the mall's parking lot,

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up to the doorway,
where Harper waits,

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with arms full of packages,
eyes full of love."

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Thank you.

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[APPLAUSE]

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