WEBVTT

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.040 align:middle line:90%


00:00:02.040 --> 00:00:04.080 align:middle line:84%
"They've got my
brother's long body

00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:08.730 align:middle line:84%
in a white tiled room that's
embarrassingly like a john.

00:00:08.730 --> 00:00:14.040 align:middle line:84%
They say he was struck while
wandering in the street.

00:00:14.040 --> 00:00:16.680 align:middle line:84%
But Billy doesn't look
like a traffic fatality,

00:00:16.680 --> 00:00:20.130 align:middle line:84%
he's decrepit but
seems unmarked.

00:00:20.130 --> 00:00:23.190 align:middle line:84%
I'm surprised how
easy it is to look.

00:00:23.190 --> 00:00:26.760 align:middle line:84%
This lump's not
human, so different

00:00:26.760 --> 00:00:29.070 align:middle line:90%
from my massacre paintings.

00:00:29.070 --> 00:00:34.410 align:middle line:84%
So unlike my poor dead
braves, the noble ones,

00:00:34.410 --> 00:00:38.790 align:middle line:84%
the pathetic ones,
those pieces sold well.

00:00:38.790 --> 00:00:42.630 align:middle line:84%
The attendants watching
and I say, it's him,

00:00:42.630 --> 00:00:45.060 align:middle line:90%
just give me a minute.

00:00:45.060 --> 00:00:46.920 align:middle line:90%
How many years since I saw him?

00:00:46.920 --> 00:00:49.710 align:middle line:90%
Maybe 10 maybe 12.

00:00:49.710 --> 00:00:52.080 align:middle line:90%
Now, Billy's hair is gone.

00:00:52.080 --> 00:00:56.310 align:middle line:84%
From the look of his lips,
he's lost some teeth.

00:00:56.310 --> 00:01:00.240 align:middle line:84%
I take his long,
bony, chilly hand

00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:02.025 align:middle line:90%
and hold it until I can cry.

00:01:02.025 --> 00:01:05.950 align:middle line:90%


00:01:05.950 --> 00:01:08.680 align:middle line:84%
Then I'm with the
attendant in an office

00:01:08.680 --> 00:01:11.470 align:middle line:84%
and he's handing
me a plastic bag.

00:01:11.470 --> 00:01:15.430 align:middle line:84%
I dump it out, a
shirt and pants,

00:01:15.430 --> 00:01:19.660 align:middle line:84%
soiled shorts and
socks, two shabby shoes.

00:01:19.660 --> 00:01:25.540 align:middle line:84%
In an envelope marked personal
effects, one key and a wallet.

00:01:25.540 --> 00:01:30.310 align:middle line:84%
There's a 10, a 5, some
singles, and an expired driver's

00:01:30.310 --> 00:01:31.900 align:middle line:90%
license.

00:01:31.900 --> 00:01:37.690 align:middle line:84%
Also three yellowed
clippings, tearings actually,

00:01:37.690 --> 00:01:43.150 align:middle line:84%
puff pieces for Harry Buck,
the famous Tucson millionaire,

00:01:43.150 --> 00:01:47.770 align:middle line:84%
a philanthropist and art booster
and my personal benefactor.

00:01:47.770 --> 00:01:51.070 align:middle line:84%
Back when I got my fellowship,
he was the Arts Commission

00:01:51.070 --> 00:01:52.300 align:middle line:90%
chairman.

00:01:52.300 --> 00:01:55.570 align:middle line:90%
Why are these in Billy's wallet?

00:01:55.570 --> 00:01:59.410 align:middle line:84%
One has a thumbnail
photo in which Buck oddly

00:01:59.410 --> 00:02:05.170 align:middle line:84%
resembles my brother,
Harry Buck, Billy Bach.

00:02:05.170 --> 00:02:08.080 align:middle line:84%
I'm filled with
fresh pity and shame.

00:02:08.080 --> 00:02:14.470 align:middle line:84%
It looks as though Billy liked
pretending he was Harry Buck.

00:02:14.470 --> 00:02:17.410 align:middle line:90%
Reading, I see the temptation.

00:02:17.410 --> 00:02:22.150 align:middle line:84%
One clip names Buck a
trustee of the Tucson Zoo

00:02:22.150 --> 00:02:25.960 align:middle line:84%
which makes crazy sense
because Billy loved animals.

00:02:25.960 --> 00:02:28.780 align:middle line:84%
My first major drawings
were of creatures

00:02:28.780 --> 00:02:31.360 align:middle line:90%
he brought home from the woods.

00:02:31.360 --> 00:02:33.940 align:middle line:84%
In the second
clip, Harry Buck is

00:02:33.940 --> 00:02:37.390 align:middle line:84%
a patron of the Tucson
symphony and Billy

00:02:37.390 --> 00:02:42.400 align:middle line:84%
my brother was gifted with
absolute pitch, bang the piano

00:02:42.400 --> 00:02:48.130 align:middle line:84%
and he'd yell 'C' or 'B
flat' from the next room.

00:02:48.130 --> 00:02:50.860 align:middle line:84%
I can't read the
yellowest clip which

00:02:50.860 --> 00:02:53.620 align:middle line:90%
is fingered to disintegration.

00:02:53.620 --> 00:02:57.550 align:middle line:84%
But I've got it at home
and know every word.

00:02:57.550 --> 00:03:01.540 align:middle line:84%
In this one, the Arts Commission
chairman names the year's

00:03:01.540 --> 00:03:07.480 align:middle line:84%
creative fellows including
Phoenix-based Bud Bach.

00:03:07.480 --> 00:03:09.610 align:middle line:90%
The best night of my life.

00:03:09.610 --> 00:03:14.290 align:middle line:84%
Alexander Resnikoff walked me
around proudly introducing me

00:03:14.290 --> 00:03:16.810 align:middle line:84%
to the money people
at their tables.

00:03:16.810 --> 00:03:21.130 align:middle line:84%
I can remember Harry Buck's
handshake, his long head,

00:03:21.130 --> 00:03:23.000 align:middle line:90%
and long fingers.

00:03:23.000 --> 00:03:25.600 align:middle line:90%
And he did resemble my brother.

00:03:25.600 --> 00:03:26.800 align:middle line:90%
I thought so at the time.

00:03:26.800 --> 00:03:29.620 align:middle line:90%


00:03:29.620 --> 00:03:31.720 align:middle line:84%
The clerk who gave
me Billy's effects

00:03:31.720 --> 00:03:34.480 align:middle line:90%
is smiling with compassion.

00:03:34.480 --> 00:03:38.920 align:middle line:84%
'If you'd please sign showing
you've received these and then

00:03:38.920 --> 00:03:43.780 align:middle line:84%
we'll need instructions
for disposal of remains.'

00:03:43.780 --> 00:03:48.040 align:middle line:84%
I tell him, 'I don't know what
to do with my own remains,

00:03:48.040 --> 00:03:52.000 align:middle line:84%
what do you do with
a leftover hot dog.'

00:03:52.000 --> 00:03:54.790 align:middle line:84%
His smile gets
confused, 'if you'd

00:03:54.790 --> 00:03:57.340 align:middle line:84%
rather', he says,
'there's a form'

00:03:57.340 --> 00:04:00.490 align:middle line:84%
and I check the box agreeing
to Billy's cremation,

00:04:00.490 --> 00:04:04.750 align:middle line:84%
his ashes will come
to me in the mail.

00:04:04.750 --> 00:04:08.590 align:middle line:84%
I escaped the hospital
running, Billy's wallet and key

00:04:08.590 --> 00:04:11.770 align:middle line:84%
in my pocket, my
mind starting to howl

00:04:11.770 --> 00:04:14.740 align:middle line:84%
and I know it needs
to be unleashed.

00:04:14.740 --> 00:04:19.570 align:middle line:84%
In a hotel bar, I swallow
a beer and quickly another.

00:04:19.570 --> 00:04:23.050 align:middle line:84%
And I remember going
out languid and proud

00:04:23.050 --> 00:04:25.510 align:middle line:90%
for beers with my brother.

00:04:25.510 --> 00:04:30.070 align:middle line:84%
Billy then already a man
circling his glass with thick

00:04:30.070 --> 00:04:34.660 align:middle line:84%
hands black hair
curling on his fingers.

00:04:34.660 --> 00:04:40.150 align:middle line:84%
Beer 3, is it just the mustache
or does the bartender boy look

00:04:40.150 --> 00:04:45.430 align:middle line:84%
like Harper whom I picture in
the maddening mall gratefully

00:04:45.430 --> 00:04:47.500 align:middle line:90%
entering a boutique.

00:04:47.500 --> 00:04:54.500 align:middle line:84%
Inside him, the unfolding
of infinite possibility.

00:04:54.500 --> 00:04:59.000 align:middle line:84%
I find a quiet corner
and hit my code for Alex.

00:04:59.000 --> 00:05:03.260 align:middle line:84%
'I've had terrible news,' I
tell him, 'My brother died,

00:05:03.260 --> 00:05:06.050 align:middle line:90%
I'm down in Tucson.'

00:05:06.050 --> 00:05:08.330 align:middle line:90%
'Bud I'm sorry.

00:05:08.330 --> 00:05:12.650 align:middle line:84%
I knew, Harper called
when you dropped him off.'

00:05:12.650 --> 00:05:14.760 align:middle line:90%
'Why'd he do that?'

00:05:14.760 --> 00:05:16.010 align:middle line:90%
'Why do you think?

00:05:16.010 --> 00:05:18.320 align:middle line:90%
Are you OK?'

00:05:18.320 --> 00:05:21.740 align:middle line:84%
So I tell him about the
clips in Billy's wallet

00:05:21.740 --> 00:05:25.500 align:middle line:84%
but Alex doesn't find
them frightening or sad.

00:05:25.500 --> 00:05:28.250 align:middle line:84%
'I saw Harry Buck
last week' he said.

00:05:28.250 --> 00:05:31.460 align:middle line:84%
'He was in Phoenix to
pick up a new wheelchair.

00:05:31.460 --> 00:05:35.090 align:middle line:90%
We had dinner.' 'He must be 80.

00:05:35.090 --> 00:05:36.530 align:middle line:90%
How does he look?

00:05:36.530 --> 00:05:39.740 align:middle line:90%
I remember him so well.'

00:05:39.740 --> 00:05:44.000 align:middle line:84%
'Very much alive, but he
hasn't had the use of his legs

00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:46.610 align:middle line:90%
for many years.'

00:05:46.610 --> 00:05:48.410 align:middle line:90%
Alex sighs.

00:05:48.410 --> 00:05:53.240 align:middle line:84%
He's holding the phone so
close, I visualize his windpipe.

00:05:53.240 --> 00:05:58.250 align:middle line:84%
'Be easy on yourself Bud, I
think you better come home now.

00:05:58.250 --> 00:06:01.510 align:middle line:84%
Harper says you're to pick
him up in 20 minutes.'"

00:06:01.510 --> 00:06:03.000 align:middle line:90%