WEBVTT

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.720 align:middle line:90%


00:00:00.720 --> 00:00:03.210 align:middle line:90%
"'The Botticelli of buffalo.'

00:00:03.210 --> 00:00:05.280 align:middle line:90%
I hate academic artists.

00:00:05.280 --> 00:00:08.250 align:middle line:84%
Their pretentious
shows, fatuous jargon.

00:00:08.250 --> 00:00:10.950 align:middle line:90%
University sinecures.

00:00:10.950 --> 00:00:14.550 align:middle line:84%
Once, I was in danger
of becoming one myself.

00:00:14.550 --> 00:00:18.180 align:middle line:84%
I'd won a state
creative fellowship,

00:00:18.180 --> 00:00:21.630 align:middle line:84%
but truly, art was
different then.

00:00:21.630 --> 00:00:23.640 align:middle line:90%
That was in a golden age.

00:00:23.640 --> 00:00:27.030 align:middle line:84%
That year, I was
the toast of Phoenix

00:00:27.030 --> 00:00:30.660 align:middle line:84%
and had a very romantic affair
with the director of the Arts

00:00:30.660 --> 00:00:34.680 align:middle line:90%
Commission, Alexander Resnikoff.

00:00:34.680 --> 00:00:39.900 align:middle line:84%
Old Alex still attends
openings, still knows everybody.

00:00:39.900 --> 00:00:44.820 align:middle line:84%
His belly still appears on
my more dignified elders.

00:00:44.820 --> 00:00:47.760 align:middle line:84%
And I still call him
after all these years

00:00:47.760 --> 00:00:49.110 align:middle line:90%
for comfort and advice.

00:00:49.110 --> 00:00:51.660 align:middle line:90%


00:00:51.660 --> 00:00:56.040 align:middle line:84%
At Picacho Peak, I pull over
to stop on the shoulder.

00:00:56.040 --> 00:01:01.740 align:middle line:84%
100 yards up, cactus surrenders
to bare rock, blue sky,

00:01:01.740 --> 00:01:06.120 align:middle line:84%
blazing sun, one
wheeling vulture.

00:01:06.120 --> 00:01:10.710 align:middle line:84%
I turn the AC to high, reach
into the back for my sketchpad,

00:01:10.710 --> 00:01:14.630 align:middle line:84%
and lose myself in my
moving hand, while Harper

00:01:14.630 --> 00:01:17.820 align:middle line:90%
reclines and closes his eyes.

00:01:17.820 --> 00:01:23.100 align:middle line:84%
But pretty soon, I'm parched, my
mouth, my throat, even my skin.

00:01:23.100 --> 00:01:25.890 align:middle line:84%
I ask for some pineapple
guava, and he kneels

00:01:25.890 --> 00:01:28.680 align:middle line:90%
on the seat to open the cooler.

00:01:28.680 --> 00:01:31.500 align:middle line:90%
Nothing ever tasted better.

00:01:31.500 --> 00:01:35.220 align:middle line:84%
These are the pleasures
that Billy lost.

00:01:35.220 --> 00:01:37.620 align:middle line:90%
Dying is a hateful thing.

00:01:37.620 --> 00:01:40.710 align:middle line:90%
To old people, the end of love.

00:01:40.710 --> 00:01:44.160 align:middle line:84%
And to the young,
to such as Harper,

00:01:44.160 --> 00:01:46.320 align:middle line:90%
what does death mean to him?

00:01:46.320 --> 00:01:50.250 align:middle line:84%
Harper plans to shop a mall
while I'm busy downtown.

00:01:50.250 --> 00:01:53.150 align:middle line:90%


00:01:53.150 --> 00:01:58.010 align:middle line:84%
Because, you see Harper
buys things, clothes,

00:01:58.010 --> 00:02:02.480 align:middle line:84%
and shoes, toasters and
blenders, videotapes and books.

00:02:02.480 --> 00:02:03.950 align:middle line:90%
I've talked to him about it.

00:02:03.950 --> 00:02:08.626 align:middle line:84%
Area rugs, overnight totes,
Australian glass-eyed apricots,

00:02:08.626 --> 00:02:10.520 align:middle line:84%
I've threatened,
and I've begged.

00:02:10.520 --> 00:02:13.880 align:middle line:84%
Gourmet cheesecakes though he
never eats more than a sliver.

00:02:13.880 --> 00:02:16.790 align:middle line:84%
He buys things for
himself and me, for people

00:02:16.790 --> 00:02:18.290 align:middle line:90%
he likes and doesn't like.

00:02:18.290 --> 00:02:20.510 align:middle line:90%
People he doesn't even know.

00:02:20.510 --> 00:02:23.240 align:middle line:84%
When we met, he
could control it.

00:02:23.240 --> 00:02:26.150 align:middle line:84%
Now he's ashamed,
but he can't stop.

00:02:26.150 --> 00:02:31.250 align:middle line:84%
The bagged boxes fill my
cabinets, overflow my closets.

00:02:31.250 --> 00:02:36.720 align:middle line:84%
They're piling up unopened
along the walls of my garage.

00:02:36.720 --> 00:02:40.560 align:middle line:84%
Some purchases, he hides
in the trunk of his car,

00:02:40.560 --> 00:02:45.180 align:middle line:84%
then sneaks in at night
when he supposes I'm asleep.

00:02:45.180 --> 00:02:47.910 align:middle line:84%
I hear him in the
kitchen, dragging a chair

00:02:47.910 --> 00:02:50.430 align:middle line:84%
across the floor,
to where a ceiling

00:02:50.430 --> 00:02:53.430 align:middle line:90%
hatch opens into a crawlspace.

00:02:53.430 --> 00:02:55.770 align:middle line:90%
He's stuffing things up there.

00:02:55.770 --> 00:02:57.480 align:middle line:90%
I can't bear to look.

00:02:57.480 --> 00:03:00.630 align:middle line:84%
If I ever sell, the new
people will get it all.

00:03:00.630 --> 00:03:03.090 align:middle line:90%
Life is like that, anyway.

00:03:03.090 --> 00:03:05.490 align:middle line:90%
And sometimes, I wonder, OK.

00:03:05.490 --> 00:03:06.375 align:middle line:90%
So what?

00:03:06.375 --> 00:03:08.790 align:middle line:90%
What the hell is wrong with me?

00:03:08.790 --> 00:03:10.200 align:middle line:90%
Harper gives.

00:03:10.200 --> 00:03:12.210 align:middle line:90%
He's a horn of plenty.

00:03:12.210 --> 00:03:17.580 align:middle line:84%
The first bath, the last
donut, the shiniest praise.

00:03:17.580 --> 00:03:22.350 align:middle line:84%
I have stolen his eyes, made
off with his neck and clavicles,

00:03:22.350 --> 00:03:25.620 align:middle line:84%
for innumerable
youths and maidens.

00:03:25.620 --> 00:03:29.160 align:middle line:84%
Don't I owe him
anything he wants?

00:03:29.160 --> 00:03:32.790 align:middle line:84%
Friends used to
admire my generosity.

00:03:32.790 --> 00:03:35.010 align:middle line:84%
Now, it's one more
failing organ.

00:03:35.010 --> 00:03:37.650 align:middle line:90%


00:03:37.650 --> 00:03:41.280 align:middle line:84%
When we pulled into the mall,
he gets half out of the car,

00:03:41.280 --> 00:03:43.740 align:middle line:90%
then leans back in to kiss me.

00:03:43.740 --> 00:03:45.300 align:middle line:90%
'Bud, should I come with you?

00:03:45.300 --> 00:03:48.960 align:middle line:90%
I can.' 'No, no, that's OK.'

00:03:48.960 --> 00:03:51.060 align:middle line:84%
'Should I call
you on your cell?'

00:03:51.060 --> 00:03:55.620 align:middle line:84%
'Please don't, and
don't buy me anything.'

00:03:55.620 --> 00:03:58.980 align:middle line:84%
Kneeling on the seat,
he says into my neck,

00:03:58.980 --> 00:04:01.830 align:middle line:84%
'The veins are popping
on your forehead.'

00:04:01.830 --> 00:04:07.350 align:middle line:84%
Then he whispers, 'Please,
don't do anything on impulse.'

00:04:07.350 --> 00:04:09.930 align:middle line:84%
And stepping backward
with a smile,

00:04:09.930 --> 00:04:15.390 align:middle line:84%
easier to paint than
understand, he's gone.

00:04:15.390 --> 00:04:19.050 align:middle line:84%
Each of these winter days
is lovelier than the last.

00:04:19.050 --> 00:04:24.220 align:middle line:84%
I pass an open convertible,
two cyclists in shining shorts,

00:04:24.220 --> 00:04:26.250 align:middle line:90%
a bare-chested runner.

00:04:26.250 --> 00:04:29.190 align:middle line:84%
In Phoenix, you'd
see much the same,

00:04:29.190 --> 00:04:31.950 align:middle line:84%
but these aren't
the streets I know.

00:04:31.950 --> 00:04:34.440 align:middle line:84%
Elegant mountains
around the city,

00:04:34.440 --> 00:04:37.080 align:middle line:90%
how could Harper leave me alone?

00:04:37.080 --> 00:04:41.670 align:middle line:84%
I try thinking about Billy,
but that's no good either.

00:04:41.670 --> 00:04:46.905 align:middle line:84%
Because what I expect to find
is that Billy died senile.

00:04:46.905 --> 00:04:49.640 align:middle line:90%


00:04:49.640 --> 00:04:51.830 align:middle line:90%
It's our family curse.

00:04:51.830 --> 00:04:56.930 align:middle line:84%
By my age, most of us males
are mindless droolers.

00:04:56.930 --> 00:04:59.795 align:middle line:84%
I saw my own father
cursing and sweating

00:04:59.795 --> 00:05:03.680 align:middle line:84%
and try to stuff his
keys into a payphone.

00:05:03.680 --> 00:05:07.880 align:middle line:84%
Now, whenever I go out, I
write down where I'm going.

00:05:07.880 --> 00:05:10.580 align:middle line:90%
Don't do anything on impulse.

00:05:10.580 --> 00:05:13.290 align:middle line:90%
What did Harper mean by that?

00:05:13.290 --> 00:05:17.510 align:middle line:84%
Suppose we stay together, he'd
help me if I lost my faculties.

00:05:17.510 --> 00:05:19.790 align:middle line:84%
But by then, he'd had
spent me out of my home,

00:05:19.790 --> 00:05:21.470 align:middle line:90%
and we'd both be on the street.

00:05:21.470 --> 00:05:25.070 align:middle line:84%
I punch his warm empty
seat as something whizzes

00:05:25.070 --> 00:05:29.480 align:middle line:84%
by on the sidewalk, a legless
man on a wheeled board,

00:05:29.480 --> 00:05:33.410 align:middle line:84%
palming the pavement
with huge gloved hands.

00:05:33.410 --> 00:05:36.110 align:middle line:90%
Sport or transportation?

00:05:36.110 --> 00:05:39.710 align:middle line:84%
Sweat darkens his
yellow headband.

00:05:39.710 --> 00:05:45.860 align:middle line:84%
Seeing him roll on and on, a
fellow with no time for dread.

00:05:45.860 --> 00:05:49.400 align:middle line:90%
I tell myself, calm down, Bud.

00:05:49.400 --> 00:05:52.490 align:middle line:84%
What's happened so
far isn't the worst.

00:05:52.490 --> 00:05:55.270 align:middle line:90%
Not even close."

00:05:55.270 --> 00:05:57.000 align:middle line:90%