WEBVTT

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"We, The Heathens".

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We go to have
Chinese for dinner.

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And my friend who is
visiting from another planet

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is horrified and
perhaps a little excited

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also until I explain to her that
we are having Chinese food, not

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Chinese people.

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We go to a place that serves
not dumpling soup, which I love,

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but soup dumpling with
which I am unfamiliar.

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The soup is actually
inside of each dumpling

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and everyone develops their
own system of eating it.

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As we poke our
chopsticks voraciously

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into the folds of the
crispy fried whole exploded

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fish, which is delicious,
it becomes clear to me

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that we would have no right
to be shocked, or mortified,

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or outraged, or even
surprised, or upset should

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some creature from another
planet descend upon the Earth

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plucking people off the ground
and fry us up, tearing away

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at our flesh with relish.

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My friend, Martin, a
sweet and gentle man,

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is sitting quietly beside me
with his uneaten hamburger.

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I don't know how
he managed to get

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himself a hamburger in a Chinese
restaurant, but there he sits.

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And there, sits his hamburger
with the top bun off.

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Martin says he wants
live ants on his burger,

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but does not want to go
hunting for ants himself.

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So he's waiting for
the ants to come

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to the burger at which point
he will replace the top bun

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and eat.

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I tell him that
he'll probably have

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better luck with that
outside and he says,

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that's a good idea.

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Thanks.

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And goes outside with his
hamburger and that's the last

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I ever see of him.

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[LAUGHTER]