A few years ago, I did this performance piece
with my friend, the actor Kelvin Han Yee
and the jazz pianist John Jay, and we
did this piece which I call "The Paranoid Asian-American Guy",
which comes from a story that a friend of mine
told me from San Francisco.
And it's about sitting in coffee shops in San Francisco,
and this is more a performance piece than a poem.
And this phenomenon starts happening to him,
and he's getting all riled about it.
So that's what it is.
This started happening a few years ago.
I'm sitting in this coffee shop off of Market,
and this Asian chick walks in with one
of those pasty, scraggly, long haired hippy wannabe
white boys.
And she and this guy sit down right next to me.
And I think, "Well, OK.
That's cool."
Although the place is near empty,
and there's a couple of tables in the other side of the room.
And she doesn't look at me or anything like that.
In fact, she sits with her back to me.
But then, a week or so later an Asian chick walks
in-- a different chick, of course--
and she's with this white guy who's
got a shaved head, nose ring, Doc Martens, t-shirt,
black pants, the whole artsy fartsy fit, you know.
And the place is a bit crowded, so when
they sit down right next to me I say to myself,
"Well, it's just crowded, man.
Don't get all paranoid and weird."
But then a week or so later I'm in another coffee shop
up in North Beach and the same thing happens.
And then I'm in the Mission District,
and it keeps on happening.
An Asian chick walks into the place with a white guy,
and they sit down right next to me.
You know, and I think I can hear her saying
in their own silent way "Hey.
Look what I can get.
I ain't looking your way."
You know, but maybe I'm being paranoid.
So I tell this to my friend Louis,
the Chicago artist I know, and he starts noticing it too.
Well, it is weird, man.
You don't think I'm being paranoid?
No, man, but it's so weird.
It's like why are they doing this shit?
I don't see Chicago women doing this.
No way, man, so what's up?
Beats me.
Oh, you Asians.
You're all fucked up.
So you know, I'm getting all pissed,
but really I have no right to because my girlfriend is white.
And I know that this hardly happens anymore,
but when I said some Asian woman's getting
interested in me there's this feeling that I get
but I say to her, well, it's not going to happen.
I've got a girlfriend and she's white.
And I can't really say there's not something there
about getting back at her.
I mean, when some of the sisters say, well, why aren't you
with an Asian woman?
I feel like, well, I called on you, Hun, but you weren't home.
I left a message on your fucking answering machine,
and you're out with different Jim or Johnny.
And I just got tired of calling.
They all did that Pocahontas syndrome.
Well, what can you do, man?
We're all just fucked up about this,
I mean, I even thought about not going to coffee shops anymore,
but that seems stupid.
So now would I see an Asian chick walking to the place
with a white guy, I just start yelling, "Hey,
over here Pocahontas.
There's a seat right here."
They just look at me like I'm weird.
Go sit somewhere else.
And I think, they're right, man.
You are getting weird.