This is a little performance piece that I do.
It's called The Oriental Thug.
And it's about a kung fu guy who comes over from Hong Kong
to do kung fu in America.
"Yeah, that's right.
You've see me before.
[LAUGHS] I'm the Oriental thug.
Got a black belt in karate, aikido
studied under a descendant of a Shaolin master.
I can break bullets, concrete bricks, blocks of ice.
I can throw a bladed star from 20 feet
and slit open your nose.
Do back flips, front flips, kicks, iron crosses.
But when I come to America, I get my ass kicked.
Yup, by some middle aged--
[SIGHS] middle age, over the hill, pansy ass white guy.
Like Mel Gibson or Chuck Norris or David Carradine.
David Carradine!
The guy's got dentures by now.
His colon is as slow is the Los Angeles freeway.
He lives in the senior citizen center over in Bel Air.
And I'm supposed to let him pummel the crap out of me?
You should have seen the director in those scenes.
Uh, David, the lead's over to your right.
Yeah, just a little further, David.
Can you see him?
Can you hear me?
David, put it in your hearing aid.
[LAUGHTER]
I know, I don't have to shout.
OK, let's do a leg kick now, David.
David, you have to lift your leg off the ground.
Yeah, David Carradine blowing me away?
You know, it's like Muhammad Ali getting knocked from the ring
by Mr. Sulu.
You know, like Oscar De La Hoya getting
his ass kicked by Ho Chi Minh.
You know, like Fiji being vaporized in the United States.
You know, or like Yan Can Cook.
You know, mangling Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Oh what happened Steve?
Oh man, man.
I don't do anything against a sweet and sour pork.
Forget Hulk Hogan, [INAUDIBLE] you've never seen.
That Yan, he can cook.
He's the real Ultimate Warrior.
Yeah, but I know, I know.
This is America, not Hong Kong.
But it's not just the whites, you know?
I get here from Hong Kong and it's so strange.
All the Asians here, once they make money,
they act just like white people.
They buy Barbie dolls for the kids.
They rent clothes from the Gap.
They eat pizza.
I mean, you know most Asians are lactose intolerant?
So what they do when they get here?
Eat great gobs of cheese?
I might as well go along with it here, the sight of tofu,
it's sick.
You tell me what's that all about.
You know what kind of musicals we go to?
Our Phantom of the Opera.
That's right, you got people's ancestors
coming from Toisan or Guangzhou, and they're up there
weeping for some fraud guy with a plate on his face.
A plate on his face!
You know but maybe that's because their daughters are all
getting eye surgery, and nose and breast enlargements,
and lip implants.
Listen, I'll clue you in.
Asians are not supposed to have big lips.
Mick Jagger is supposed to have big lips.
Barry White is supposed to have big lips.
And girls, Asians are not supposed to have big breasts.
Dolly Parton is supposed to sport knockers.
Aretha Franklin.
But anyone named Lee or Chau, Nakamura or Fi,
they're supposed to have slanted eyes.
They're supposed to have small breasts.
OK, well, maybe God fucked up.
Maybe he made all those Asians a mistake, you know.
And that's why we have to have eye surgery and breast
implants.
Anyway, so there, you thought about going back to Hong Kong,
but then I turned on the international TV
the other night and guess who's number two in China?
Kenny G. Kenny G, not John Coltrane or Charlie Parker.
Kenny G!
And don't see, you don't see white people
being ashamed about Kenny G. No man,
they go merrily on the way.
I mean, I'm always getting these white people yelling kook at me
and blaming me for Vietnam.
And I'm from Hong Kong, but what do they care.
But I don't see people of color going up and slapping
white people, berating them on the street.
Hey honky, that's for Kenny G. And that's for Britney Spears.
And that's for Bon Jovi.
Are they doing it like that?
No way.
Kenny G, the dude's number two in China.
Explain that to me.
OK, well everybody hear the word imperialism?
I know what you're thinking.
How does a Hong Ku Kong fuck, but I know about imperialism.
Anybody hear the words British Empire?
Sometimes I think I should just quit this acting thing.
You know, this Oriental thing.
And become a real thug.
At least then I get to kick some ass.
But even before I do that, you know who I'd waste first?
Yeah.
David Carradine.
And after that, Kenny G."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]