WEBVTT

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This is a little
performance piece that I do.

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It's called The Oriental Thug.

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And it's about a kung fu guy
who comes over from Hong Kong

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to do kung fu in America.

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"Yeah, that's right.

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You've see me before.

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[LAUGHS] I'm the Oriental thug.

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Got a black belt
in karate, aikido

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studied under a descendant
of a Shaolin master.

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I can break bullets, concrete
bricks, blocks of ice.

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I can throw a bladed
star from 20 feet

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and slit open your nose.

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Do back flips, front
flips, kicks, iron crosses.

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But when I come to America,
I get my ass kicked.

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Yup, by some middle aged--

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[SIGHS] middle age, over the
hill, pansy ass white guy.

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Like Mel Gibson or Chuck
Norris or David Carradine.

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David Carradine!

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The guy's got dentures by now.

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His colon is as slow is
the Los Angeles freeway.

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He lives in the senior citizen
center over in Bel Air.

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And I'm supposed to let him
pummel the crap out of me?

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You should have seen the
director in those scenes.

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Uh, David, the lead's
over to your right.

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Yeah, just a little
further, David.

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Can you see him?

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Can you hear me?

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David, put it in
your hearing aid.

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[LAUGHTER]

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I know, I don't have to shout.

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OK, let's do a leg
kick now, David.

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David, you have to lift
your leg off the ground.

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Yeah, David Carradine
blowing me away?

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You know, it's like Muhammad Ali
getting knocked from the ring

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by Mr. Sulu.

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You know, like Oscar
De La Hoya getting

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his ass kicked by Ho Chi Minh.

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You know, like Fiji being
vaporized in the United States.

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You know, or like Yan Can Cook.

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You know, mangling
Stone Cold Steve Austin.

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Oh what happened Steve?

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Oh man, man.

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I don't do anything against
a sweet and sour pork.

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Forget Hulk Hogan,
[INAUDIBLE] you've never seen.

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That Yan, he can cook.

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He's the real Ultimate Warrior.

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Yeah, but I know, I know.

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This is America, not Hong Kong.

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But it's not just
the whites, you know?

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I get here from Hong
Kong and it's so strange.

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All the Asians here,
once they make money,

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they act just like white people.

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They buy Barbie
dolls for the kids.

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They rent clothes from the Gap.

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They eat pizza.

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I mean, you know most Asians
are lactose intolerant?

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So what they do
when they get here?

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Eat great gobs of cheese?

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I might as well go along with
it here, the sight of tofu,

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it's sick.

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You tell me what's
that all about.

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You know what kind
of musicals we go to?

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Our Phantom of the Opera.

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That's right, you got
people's ancestors

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coming from Toisan or
Guangzhou, and they're up there

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weeping for some fraud guy
with a plate on his face.

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A plate on his face!

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You know but maybe that's
because their daughters are all

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getting eye surgery, and
nose and breast enlargements,

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and lip implants.

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Listen, I'll clue you in.

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Asians are not supposed
to have big lips.

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Mick Jagger is supposed
to have big lips.

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Barry White is supposed
to have big lips.

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And girls, Asians are not
supposed to have big breasts.

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Dolly Parton is supposed
to sport knockers.

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Aretha Franklin.

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But anyone named Lee or
Chau, Nakamura or Fi,

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they're supposed to
have slanted eyes.

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They're supposed to
have small breasts.

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OK, well, maybe God fucked up.

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Maybe he made all those
Asians a mistake, you know.

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And that's why we have to
have eye surgery and breast

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implants.

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Anyway, so there, you thought
about going back to Hong Kong,

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but then I turned on
the international TV

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the other night and guess
who's number two in China?

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Kenny G. Kenny G, not John
Coltrane or Charlie Parker.

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Kenny G!

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And don't see, you
don't see white people

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being ashamed about
Kenny G. No man,

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they go merrily on the way.

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I mean, I'm always getting these
white people yelling kook at me

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and blaming me for Vietnam.

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And I'm from Hong Kong,
but what do they care.

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But I don't see people of
color going up and slapping

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white people, berating
them on the street.

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Hey honky, that's for Kenny G.
And that's for Britney Spears.

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And that's for Bon Jovi.

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Are they doing it like that?

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No way.

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Kenny G, the dude's
number two in China.

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Explain that to me.

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OK, well everybody hear
the word imperialism?

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I know what you're thinking.

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How does a Hong Ku Kong fuck,
but I know about imperialism.

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Anybody hear the
words British Empire?

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Sometimes I think I should
just quit this acting thing.

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You know, this Oriental thing.

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And become a real thug.

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At least then I get
to kick some ass.

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But even before I do that,
you know who I'd waste first?

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Yeah.

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David Carradine.

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And after that, Kenny G."

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[LAUGHTER]

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[APPLAUSE]

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