WEBVTT

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Linda, Tata passed, and
pops wrote that he went down

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looking peaceful.

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He was always like that.

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I went for a walk at
the bomb dump and cried.

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It looked like a cemetery, each
bomb body like a tombstone.

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Ma still sees the ghosts and
has asked Father Maldonado

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to bless the house.

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He promised to come sometime
after the funeral, which

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probably already happened.

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I wrote back, telling them
not to worry about me,

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that I was fine.

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I feel bad for
always lying to them.

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The phones have been cut off.

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Everything over here is flat.

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There are no mountains,
no trees or even cactus.

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No wonder the Hajjis
are always pissed.

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They don't have nothing to
block the sun or stop the wind.

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Everything is always
in their goddamn face.

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Tent city has gone quiet.

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Even Country has shut his mouth.

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There is a deadline.

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I heard it on the news today.

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I've never thought about the
word before, how in this place

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it means what it means.

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Sincerely, Tomás.

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PS, maybe I should
have stayed with Ana.

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But it's too late for that shit.

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Linda, I was
rereading Che's diary

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when Country burst inside the
tent and yelled grab your shit,

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it's time to load.

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They bused us to
the flight line,

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the same kind kids
ride to school

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with the drop-down windows
and missing seatbelts.

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My stomach jumps to
my throat and my hands

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twitched as the bus slipped
through the cement barriers.

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The GBUs had already
been delivered.

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I pushed my toolbox
to the flight line

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and prepped the
stations, running

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through the steps in my head,
sensing switch straight,

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hooks open, ejector feet,
sway arms retracted.

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Pandullo cranked the jammer
and a plume of black smoke

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stunk up the air, the motor
making a wheezing put,

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put, put sound.

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The first bomb was off the
trailer before I was ready

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and I hurried to wire the
BFDs and cart the stations.

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Sweat dripped off my arms
and ran down to my legs.

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My hands smelled like metal.

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I hadn't been sleeping right,
my mind all over the place.

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Country guided the first
bomb toward the station.

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He yelled, hurry
the fuck up Cota.

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The first bomb
didn't go up pretty.

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Country struggled to lock
it in without tangling

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the arming wire and the hooks.

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Pandy had come in crooked.

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We've done this 100 times,
practicing month after month.

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Country grunted as
I jerked the tail,

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rolling the 2,000-pound
mess into the rack.

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He locked it in, and
I was relieved when

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I heard the clack of the hooks.

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I got my rhythm after
swinging that first bomb down.

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We all did.

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The next bomb went
up easy, then the one

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after that easier still,
then easier, and easier.

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I didn't notice the crowd
that had gathered to watch.

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Some bullshit airmen
like us, some pilots

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and a group of civilians
I'd never seen before.

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After we finished, Country
took a grease pencil

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and wrote God bless the USA
on the first bomb we loaded.

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Soon, slogans like this is
for 9/11, and fuck ragheads.

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We will never forget, and
greetings from the USA

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covered the bomb body.

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Country handed me
a grease pencil

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and told me to put something
down, that I'd earned it.

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I found the space
where the guidance vent

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bolted to the explosive
body, and I wrote my name

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in small letters.

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There wasn't a star
in the sky, no moon.

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I'd never seen it like that
before, like someone had

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unplugged outer space.

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We smoked cigarettes
after the launches,

00:04:16.760 --> 00:04:19.850 align:middle line:90%
my hands are still shaking.

00:04:19.850 --> 00:04:22.520 align:middle line:84%
Country looked
happy with himself,

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like if he were to
die at that moment,

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it would be just fine with him.

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I thought about his kid,
how after getting kicked out

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of school he wouldn't even
have the chance to end up here.

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Pandullo stayed quiet.

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We loaded more bombs
than any other crew.

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Who knows where the
bombs are going?

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The air is hot and I'm
having trouble breathing.

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The radio was playing
the news and I

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hear the voice of a
woman, but no words

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of bombs, or explosions,
or numbers of people dead,

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not yet.

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Anyway, there is something
heavy in her voice,

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like after tonight, the
world will be different,

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much worse than before.

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I've never thought about the
job I do, even while here,

00:05:10.850 --> 00:05:13.160 align:middle line:84%
even after all
the times loading.

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I've never really
given it much thought.

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But I am now.

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I'm thinking pretty hard now.

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They called everyone
into the hangar hours

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later, when the last plane got
back, the bomb racks all clean.

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Our commander spoke.

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He said things like
target of opportunity,

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and high priority objectives.

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A television had been wheeled
in the middle of the hangar.

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He turned it on and I
watched from behind Pandullo.

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The TV had a gray sky view
of a city block, a crosshair

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on a stone building that
didn't look high priority,

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or like any kind of
opportunity I could think of.

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The hangar was quiet because
we knew what was coming.

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I heard the pilot sucking
air through his mask.

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The crosshair began to
shake above the structure,

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and I wondered what the
pilot could be thinking.

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If what he seemed--

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if what he was about to do
seemed like a video game.

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The bomb looked like a
shadow of a diving bird,

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and after the hit,
the building ballooned

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into a cloud of black dust.

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There was no audio, no kaboom
or sound of falling rocks.

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Everyone clapped and
cheered, even me.

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I wanted terrorists, whatever
enemy we were fighting,

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to be in that building, to make
the proud feelings I had easier

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to like.

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We all wanted to see
what our bombs could do.

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They showed another,
this time a grainy figure

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running toward the objective, a
man not making it quite inside

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before impact.

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They played more, one after the
other, until I quit counting.

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I couldn't think with all
the noise, only about the man

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and why he was running to
the target instead of away.

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He never got to see what or
who was inside that building,

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and neither did we.

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I thought of the
first bomb we loaded,

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my name somewhere in a
tiny twist of metal, proof

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that I am part of this.

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Evidence that Country,
Pandullo, and me are in a war.

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But the war seems far away
watching from a TV screen.

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In the hangar, everyone
seems glad it's that way,

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happy to have no ugly
memories, so we'll always

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feel good about bombs, and
freedom, and God blessing

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America forever.

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Country said it wouldn't
be long until we head home,

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a few more days of heavy bombing
and the Hajjis would quit.

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But Country's wrong.

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The war has just started, and
Linda, wars don't end so easy.

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If it were my home
being attacked,

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I would never stop fighting.

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I'd find Ana and make babies
to keep the war going,

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even knowing one day the
sky would drop on me.

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But I'm not on that side.

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I'm on the side of
a country that's

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more afraid than anything else.

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And I know I'll have to
keep loading these bombs

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until its feelings change.

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I don't expect you to
understand this Linda.

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I've read how scared
you really are.

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Thank you.

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[APPLAUSE]

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