WEBVTT

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.140 align:middle line:90%


00:00:01.140 --> 00:00:04.050 align:middle line:84%
And I'm going to read
from some new work now.

00:00:04.050 --> 00:00:09.420 align:middle line:90%


00:00:09.420 --> 00:00:14.490 align:middle line:84%
I'm going to read
one essay and then

00:00:14.490 --> 00:00:16.690 align:middle line:90%
end with a really short essay.

00:00:16.690 --> 00:00:18.600 align:middle line:84%
So this essay is
called "Mourning Suit."

00:00:18.600 --> 00:00:21.650 align:middle line:90%


00:00:21.650 --> 00:00:25.310 align:middle line:84%
"My husband bought his
mourning suit on a Wednesday.

00:00:25.310 --> 00:00:26.510 align:middle line:90%
It was foggy.

00:00:26.510 --> 00:00:27.980 align:middle line:90%
It was February.

00:00:27.980 --> 00:00:31.310 align:middle line:84%
He would have to fly back
to New York the next day.

00:00:31.310 --> 00:00:33.630 align:middle line:84%
My husband has
always liked suits.

00:00:33.630 --> 00:00:36.350 align:middle line:84%
He has always loved an
occasion to wear a suit.

00:00:36.350 --> 00:00:38.630 align:middle line:84%
There were nights when he
would say, let's get dressed

00:00:38.630 --> 00:00:39.230 align:middle line:90%
and go out.

00:00:39.230 --> 00:00:40.790 align:middle line:84%
And we would get
dressed and go out.

00:00:40.790 --> 00:00:42.650 align:middle line:90%
And he would put on a suit.

00:00:42.650 --> 00:00:44.750 align:middle line:84%
He always looked
so nice in a suit.

00:00:44.750 --> 00:00:46.310 align:middle line:90%
He loved to wear a suit.

00:00:46.310 --> 00:00:49.070 align:middle line:84%
A graduate student and
adjunct instructor,

00:00:49.070 --> 00:00:51.650 align:middle line:84%
he did not very often
get to wear a suit.

00:00:51.650 --> 00:00:54.110 align:middle line:84%
When he put on a suit,
he would spend money

00:00:54.110 --> 00:00:57.470 align:middle line:84%
as if he had a job that
demanded that he wear a suit.

00:00:57.470 --> 00:01:01.320 align:middle line:84%
And so our nights in his
suit would be quite costly.

00:01:01.320 --> 00:01:02.240 align:middle line:90%
But it was OK.

00:01:02.240 --> 00:01:05.000 align:middle line:84%
Because we were young and
in love and in Brooklyn,

00:01:05.000 --> 00:01:08.240 align:middle line:84%
where it was OK to be young
and in love and in Brooklyn

00:01:08.240 --> 00:01:11.210 align:middle line:90%
and spend too much money.

00:01:11.210 --> 00:01:15.110 align:middle line:84%
Springtime in Brooklyn, and it's
a flourish of petals and pink.

00:01:15.110 --> 00:01:18.560 align:middle line:84%
The cherry trees on First
Street are all in bloom.

00:01:18.560 --> 00:01:21.560 align:middle line:84%
And my husband, who is not yet
my husband, is in love with me.

00:01:21.560 --> 00:01:23.330 align:middle line:84%
And we are
celebrating the spring

00:01:23.330 --> 00:01:25.100 align:middle line:90%
with a bottle of champagne.

00:01:25.100 --> 00:01:27.470 align:middle line:84%
And our neighbors ask
us, what's the occasion?

00:01:27.470 --> 00:01:28.430 align:middle line:90%
And why celebrate?

00:01:28.430 --> 00:01:30.380 align:middle line:84%
And we just say,
because it's spring,

00:01:30.380 --> 00:01:33.140 align:middle line:90%
and because we have a stoop.

00:01:33.140 --> 00:01:36.800 align:middle line:84%
My husband bought his
mourning suit on a Wednesday.

00:01:36.800 --> 00:01:37.730 align:middle line:90%
It was winter.

00:01:37.730 --> 00:01:38.810 align:middle line:90%
It was Chicago.

00:01:38.810 --> 00:01:40.730 align:middle line:90%
And we did not have a stoop.

00:01:40.730 --> 00:01:42.290 align:middle line:90%
We did not have a stoop.

00:01:42.290 --> 00:01:43.160 align:middle line:90%
We had a deck.

00:01:43.160 --> 00:01:46.010 align:middle line:84%
And our deck was covered
with a two-foot snow

00:01:46.010 --> 00:01:47.990 align:middle line:90%
drift from the blizzard.

00:01:47.990 --> 00:01:53.290 align:middle line:84%
The blizzard was the third-worst
blizzard in Chicago history.

00:01:53.290 --> 00:01:57.170 align:middle line:84%
Springtime in Brooklyn,
and it's a honeydew green.

00:01:57.170 --> 00:02:00.620 align:middle line:84%
And the trees are a
burst of chartreuse.

00:02:00.620 --> 00:02:03.020 align:middle line:90%
We have a stoop and it's spring.

00:02:03.020 --> 00:02:05.660 align:middle line:84%
And later, my husband,
who is not yet my husband,

00:02:05.660 --> 00:02:09.470 align:middle line:84%
will say, let's get
dressed and go out.

00:02:09.470 --> 00:02:11.000 align:middle line:90%
We did not have a stoop.

00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:11.930 align:middle line:90%
We have a deck.

00:02:11.930 --> 00:02:15.230 align:middle line:84%
And there are no stoops and no
cherry trees and no chartreuse

00:02:15.230 --> 00:02:17.960 align:middle line:84%
and no champagne and
no 'just because.'

00:02:17.960 --> 00:02:23.210 align:middle line:84%
There are snows and snows
and snows and a blizzard.

00:02:23.210 --> 00:02:28.010 align:middle line:84%
And our little daughter's
hands at night get so cold.

00:02:28.010 --> 00:02:30.380 align:middle line:84%
My husband bought his
mourning suit on a Wednesday.

00:02:30.380 --> 00:02:33.000 align:middle line:84%
He would have to fly back
to New York the next day.

00:02:33.000 --> 00:02:35.330 align:middle line:84%
The man who loved to get
dressed and spend money

00:02:35.330 --> 00:02:39.320 align:middle line:84%
just because had a
daughter named Penny,

00:02:39.320 --> 00:02:41.690 align:middle line:90%
who was only five weeks old.

00:02:41.690 --> 00:02:45.342 align:middle line:84%
My husband bought his mourning
suit on Wednesday, February 16.

00:02:45.342 --> 00:02:47.300 align:middle line:84%
Because he thought it
was only right to go back

00:02:47.300 --> 00:02:50.390 align:middle line:84%
to his job as an adjunct
instructor despite the fact

00:02:50.390 --> 00:02:52.070 align:middle line:90%
that his father had died.

00:02:52.070 --> 00:02:55.340 align:middle line:84%
And that is why he was
buying a mourning suit.

00:02:55.340 --> 00:02:58.170 align:middle line:84%
He was buying a mourning suit
because his father had died.

00:02:58.170 --> 00:02:59.810 align:middle line:84%
And he didn't have
a mourning suit.

00:02:59.810 --> 00:03:01.970 align:middle line:84%
He had suits, but
he wanted a new suit

00:03:01.970 --> 00:03:06.170 align:middle line:84%
that would befit the occasion of
delivering his father's eulogy.

00:03:06.170 --> 00:03:08.870 align:middle line:84%
My husband, on a
cold day in Chicago,

00:03:08.870 --> 00:03:14.480 align:middle line:84%
bought an $800 mourning
suit for less than $100.

00:03:14.480 --> 00:03:16.550 align:middle line:90%
Fog was forming.

00:03:16.550 --> 00:03:19.310 align:middle line:84%
Fog was forming due
to warm, moist air

00:03:19.310 --> 00:03:21.440 align:middle line:90%
creeping and covering the snow.

00:03:21.440 --> 00:03:23.840 align:middle line:84%
Fog was creeping
toward the city.

00:03:23.840 --> 00:03:26.330 align:middle line:84%
That is the verb the
weather alert used.

00:03:26.330 --> 00:03:29.240 align:middle line:84%
The fog would creep
into the city.

00:03:29.240 --> 00:03:30.860 align:middle line:90%
It would cause impacts.

00:03:30.860 --> 00:03:32.720 align:middle line:90%
It would reduce visibility.

00:03:32.720 --> 00:03:34.880 align:middle line:84%
It would make for
dangerous driving.

00:03:34.880 --> 00:03:37.430 align:middle line:84%
It would cause
perilous conditions.

00:03:37.430 --> 00:03:39.320 align:middle line:84%
My husband bought
his mourning suit

00:03:39.320 --> 00:03:41.540 align:middle line:84%
on the night the
fog was forming.

00:03:41.540 --> 00:03:44.060 align:middle line:84%
My husband planned
his father's eulogy

00:03:44.060 --> 00:03:46.790 align:middle line:84%
as the fog crept into
the city and caused

00:03:46.790 --> 00:03:49.340 align:middle line:90%
impacts of reduced visibility.

00:03:49.340 --> 00:03:52.310 align:middle line:84%
It was a gray, dreary
Wednesday night,

00:03:52.310 --> 00:03:54.170 align:middle line:90%
according to one weather report.

00:03:54.170 --> 00:03:55.940 align:middle line:84%
My husband bought
his mourning suit

00:03:55.940 --> 00:03:58.820 align:middle line:84%
on that gray, dreary
Wednesday night

00:03:58.820 --> 00:04:02.630 align:middle line:84%
when there was a
dense fog advisory.

00:04:02.630 --> 00:04:06.530 align:middle line:84%
My father-in-law had a job
that demanded he wear a suit.

00:04:06.530 --> 00:04:10.190 align:middle line:84%
My father-in-law in his
suit would work with money.

00:04:10.190 --> 00:04:13.250 align:middle line:84%
My father-in-law, who was
a banker, worked with money

00:04:13.250 --> 00:04:14.630 align:middle line:90%
and wore a suit.

00:04:14.630 --> 00:04:18.470 align:middle line:84%
When he died, his son did
not have a mourning suit

00:04:18.470 --> 00:04:20.510 align:middle line:84%
and would need to
buy a mourning suit.

00:04:20.510 --> 00:04:23.540 align:middle line:84%
My husband bought his mourning
suit with a combination of gift

00:04:23.540 --> 00:04:25.760 align:middle line:84%
cards that his
father never used,

00:04:25.760 --> 00:04:30.000 align:middle line:84%
and a coupon that his father
never used, and in-store sales.

00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:32.780 align:middle line:84%
The banker whose job
demanded that he wear a suit

00:04:32.780 --> 00:04:36.320 align:middle line:84%
had made it possible after
his passing for his son

00:04:36.320 --> 00:04:39.920 align:middle line:90%
to buy that mourning suit.

00:04:39.920 --> 00:04:43.520 align:middle line:84%
On his way to O'Hare, my husband
had the taxi driver make a stop

00:04:43.520 --> 00:04:45.560 align:middle line:84%
so that he could pick
up his mourning suit.

00:04:45.560 --> 00:04:47.780 align:middle line:84%
The alterations
had been hastened

00:04:47.780 --> 00:04:51.380 align:middle line:84%
because of the occasion of his
needing that mourning suit.

00:04:51.380 --> 00:04:56.900 align:middle line:84%
My husband flew back to Penny
and me with his mourning suit.

00:04:56.900 --> 00:05:00.290 align:middle line:84%
Penny is five weeks old and is
going through a growth spurt

00:05:00.290 --> 00:05:02.300 align:middle line:84%
and needs to feed
and feed and feed.

00:05:02.300 --> 00:05:03.890 align:middle line:90%
She hardly sleeps.

00:05:03.890 --> 00:05:06.050 align:middle line:90%
She hardly sleeps.

00:05:06.050 --> 00:05:08.300 align:middle line:84%
Besides my
father-in-law's caretaker,

00:05:08.300 --> 00:05:12.260 align:middle line:84%
who had not yet been let go
of, there isn't anyone home.

00:05:12.260 --> 00:05:14.900 align:middle line:84%
Everyone is busy getting
their mourning clothes,

00:05:14.900 --> 00:05:17.690 align:middle line:84%
their hair done,
their faces composed.

00:05:17.690 --> 00:05:20.550 align:middle line:84%
I have a daughter who needs
to feed and feed and feed.

00:05:20.550 --> 00:05:21.870 align:middle line:90%
I could not leave.

00:05:21.870 --> 00:05:27.120 align:middle line:84%
I packed my black maternity
dress, my black maternity coat,

00:05:27.120 --> 00:05:28.830 align:middle line:90%
my black maternity shoes.

00:05:28.830 --> 00:05:31.410 align:middle line:90%


00:05:31.410 --> 00:05:35.010 align:middle line:84%
My father-in-law's
head has fallen off

00:05:35.010 --> 00:05:38.220 align:middle line:84%
and my husband is
trying to fix it.

00:05:38.220 --> 00:05:41.520 align:middle line:90%
He says he can screw it back on.

00:05:41.520 --> 00:05:44.850 align:middle line:84%
I say, can't it
wait until morning?

00:05:44.850 --> 00:05:48.810 align:middle line:84%
He gets angry, says I don't
know what I'm talking about.

00:05:48.810 --> 00:05:51.150 align:middle line:90%
Penny is finally asleep.

00:05:51.150 --> 00:05:54.540 align:middle line:84%
And I'm afraid that his
fidgeting with the bedside lamp

00:05:54.540 --> 00:05:55.950 align:middle line:90%
will wake her.

00:05:55.950 --> 00:05:59.700 align:middle line:84%
He has taken the lampshade
off, the light bulb out.

00:05:59.700 --> 00:06:03.870 align:middle line:84%
And I am afraid that
he will wake her.

00:06:03.870 --> 00:06:07.080 align:middle line:84%
When Hamlet encounters
his father's ghost,

00:06:07.080 --> 00:06:10.500 align:middle line:90%
it is during the night in a fog.

00:06:10.500 --> 00:06:14.580 align:middle line:84%
'I am thy father's
spirit,' the ghost says.

00:06:14.580 --> 00:06:18.390 align:middle line:84%
And although he would love for
his son to avenge his murder,

00:06:18.390 --> 00:06:21.570 align:middle line:84%
he wants, more than
that, to be remembered--

00:06:21.570 --> 00:06:27.090 align:middle line:84%
before leaving, his last
words, 'Remember me.'

00:06:27.090 --> 00:06:30.270 align:middle line:84%
My husband's father, who
also loved to get dressed up

00:06:30.270 --> 00:06:32.550 align:middle line:84%
and go out and order
champagne just because,

00:06:32.550 --> 00:06:34.080 align:middle line:90%
was not buried in a suit.

00:06:34.080 --> 00:06:35.040 align:middle line:90%
He was cremated.

00:06:35.040 --> 00:06:37.050 align:middle line:84%
And his remains were
not placed in an urn,

00:06:37.050 --> 00:06:39.630 align:middle line:84%
but rather they were
placed in an empty box that

00:06:39.630 --> 00:06:41.370 align:middle line:90%
once held champagne.

00:06:41.370 --> 00:06:44.310 align:middle line:84%
While my husband was gone,
gone into the city of snow,

00:06:44.310 --> 00:06:47.460 align:middle line:84%
I held my daughter and
thought, how old and young

00:06:47.460 --> 00:06:49.170 align:middle line:90%
a newborn's hands are.

00:06:49.170 --> 00:06:50.310 align:middle line:90%
How they wrinkle.

00:06:50.310 --> 00:06:51.360 align:middle line:90%
How they flake.

00:06:51.360 --> 00:06:53.940 align:middle line:84%
How they hardly know
how or what to hold.

00:06:53.940 --> 00:06:58.440 align:middle line:84%
My husband was gone, gone
into the city of snow.

00:06:58.440 --> 00:07:01.110 align:middle line:84%
His father had a pressure
that made him cry.

00:07:01.110 --> 00:07:03.270 align:middle line:84%
His father had a
pressure that creaked.

00:07:03.270 --> 00:07:06.630 align:middle line:84%
It crept into that part
that makes a man think.

00:07:06.630 --> 00:07:08.490 align:middle line:90%
His father often fell asleep.

00:07:08.490 --> 00:07:11.190 align:middle line:84%
His father fell asleep at
the wheel during a drive.

00:07:11.190 --> 00:07:13.260 align:middle line:84%
His father felt a
pressure behind his eye

00:07:13.260 --> 00:07:15.360 align:middle line:90%
that made him cry.

00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:18.150 align:middle line:84%
I am afraid that
he will wake her.

00:07:18.150 --> 00:07:21.030 align:middle line:84%
I'm afraid that he
will suffer shock.

00:07:21.030 --> 00:07:23.280 align:middle line:84%
The doorbell rang at
4:00 in the morning.

00:07:23.280 --> 00:07:26.430 align:middle line:84%
And that is how I knew to
call to see if he had died.

00:07:26.430 --> 00:07:27.630 align:middle line:90%
And he had died.

00:07:27.630 --> 00:07:28.980 align:middle line:90%
And I said, I know.

00:07:28.980 --> 00:07:30.870 align:middle line:90%
And he asked how I knew.

00:07:30.870 --> 00:07:32.430 align:middle line:90%
And I said the doorbell rang.

00:07:32.430 --> 00:07:35.310 align:middle line:90%
And I knew he was coming home--

00:07:35.310 --> 00:07:39.480 align:middle line:84%
Hamlet's father's ghost,
doomed for a certain time

00:07:39.480 --> 00:07:40.620 align:middle line:90%
to walk the night.

00:07:40.620 --> 00:07:43.200 align:middle line:90%


00:07:43.200 --> 00:07:48.000 align:middle line:84%
My husband's father was walking
toward the rising waters.

00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:50.490 align:middle line:84%
My husband bought his
mourning suit on a Wednesday.

00:07:50.490 --> 00:07:53.640 align:middle line:84%
My husband's mourning suit
was beautiful, pristine.

00:07:53.640 --> 00:07:56.340 align:middle line:84%
My husband's mourning suit,
as my father-in-law would say,

00:07:56.340 --> 00:07:57.480 align:middle line:90%
traveled well.

00:07:57.480 --> 00:08:00.060 align:middle line:84%
There was not a wrinkle
in it when it arrived

00:08:00.060 --> 00:08:03.420 align:middle line:90%
in the city of rising water.

00:08:03.420 --> 00:08:05.700 align:middle line:84%
My father-in-law's
head has fallen off.

00:08:05.700 --> 00:08:08.460 align:middle line:84%
And he believes the
doctors will fix it.

00:08:08.460 --> 00:08:12.960 align:middle line:84%
It's a speckled, a splotchy
type of cancer, stippled,

00:08:12.960 --> 00:08:14.670 align:middle line:90%
my husband says.

00:08:14.670 --> 00:08:18.360 align:middle line:90%
The GBM is grade four.

00:08:18.360 --> 00:08:22.140 align:middle line:84%
The GBM is the worst
kind of brain cancer.

00:08:22.140 --> 00:08:24.780 align:middle line:84%
My father-in-law's
head has fallen off.

00:08:24.780 --> 00:08:27.180 align:middle line:84%
In the dark, my
husband dismantling

00:08:27.180 --> 00:08:32.280 align:middle line:84%
the lamp holds the bulb,
believes he can fix it.

00:08:32.280 --> 00:08:33.870 align:middle line:90%
Don't answer it.

00:08:33.870 --> 00:08:38.370 align:middle line:84%
Whatever you do,
don't answer the door.

00:08:38.370 --> 00:08:40.289 align:middle line:90%
My nursling is asleep.

00:08:40.289 --> 00:08:42.030 align:middle line:90%
She hardly sleeps.

00:08:42.030 --> 00:08:45.660 align:middle line:84%
More than anything, my husband
says, more than anything, Dad,

00:08:45.660 --> 00:08:47.380 align:middle line:90%
I miss the sound of your voice.

00:08:47.380 --> 00:08:48.120 align:middle line:90%
I can hear you.

00:08:48.120 --> 00:08:49.320 align:middle line:90%
I miss you so much.

00:08:49.320 --> 00:08:51.420 align:middle line:84%
More than anything,
I can hear you.

00:08:51.420 --> 00:08:52.470 align:middle line:90%
I miss you so much.

00:08:52.470 --> 00:08:55.140 align:middle line:84%
And so it goes and
goes, my husband

00:08:55.140 --> 00:08:57.645 align:middle line:90%
talking in his sorrowful sleep.

00:08:57.645 --> 00:09:00.630 align:middle line:90%


00:09:00.630 --> 00:09:04.170 align:middle line:84%
In his mourning suit bought
in Chicago on a Wednesday,

00:09:04.170 --> 00:09:07.260 align:middle line:84%
my husband delivers
his father's eulogy.

00:09:07.260 --> 00:09:10.170 align:middle line:84%
He has never said
anything more important.

00:09:10.170 --> 00:09:14.010 align:middle line:84%
He will never again say
anything more important.

00:09:14.010 --> 00:09:18.240 align:middle line:84%
Sweet Penny somehow sleeps
despite the bagpipes

00:09:18.240 --> 00:09:22.920 align:middle line:84%
filling the cathedral with a
screeching kind of mourning.

00:09:22.920 --> 00:09:25.140 align:middle line:84%
My husband, who
loved to wear suits

00:09:25.140 --> 00:09:27.600 align:middle line:84%
and who loved to
spend money in a suit,

00:09:27.600 --> 00:09:32.490 align:middle line:84%
wore an $800 suit when he told
everyone how terrible death was

00:09:32.490 --> 00:09:36.990 align:middle line:84%
and how his father was but a
flicker in a sea of deaths.

00:09:36.990 --> 00:09:39.930 align:middle line:84%
Back in the city of
snow, my husband sleeps.

00:09:39.930 --> 00:09:42.720 align:middle line:84%
And in that foggy sleep,
he flails his arms

00:09:42.720 --> 00:09:45.240 align:middle line:84%
as if he were rowing
a boat; as if he

00:09:45.240 --> 00:09:48.000 align:middle line:84%
were close to flying;
as if he were suffering

00:09:48.000 --> 00:09:50.370 align:middle line:84%
and in need of
help and signaling;

00:09:50.370 --> 00:09:52.530 align:middle line:84%
as if he were drowning
and trying to reach

00:09:52.530 --> 00:09:55.140 align:middle line:90%
the surface of some sea.

00:09:55.140 --> 00:09:58.620 align:middle line:84%
In the middle of the
night, our baby sleeps.

00:09:58.620 --> 00:10:00.570 align:middle line:90%
And he thinks he can fix it.

00:10:00.570 --> 00:10:03.540 align:middle line:84%
I'm afraid that he
will suffer a shock.

00:10:03.540 --> 00:10:08.160 align:middle line:84%
Back in the city of snow, I
take my husband's mourning suit

00:10:08.160 --> 00:10:09.000 align:middle line:90%
to the cleaners.

00:10:09.000 --> 00:10:10.560 align:middle line:84%
This is not something
that we ever

00:10:10.560 --> 00:10:13.800 align:middle line:84%
do, to take clothes that
had been worn immediately

00:10:13.800 --> 00:10:15.000 align:middle line:90%
to the cleaners.

00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:18.000 align:middle line:90%
He says he wants to go back.

00:10:18.000 --> 00:10:20.190 align:middle line:84%
He doesn't like
it here one bit--

00:10:20.190 --> 00:10:23.250 align:middle line:84%
all this cold and all this
snow and all this fog.

00:10:23.250 --> 00:10:26.790 align:middle line:84%
In the city of snow, he keeps
saying he wants to go back.

00:10:26.790 --> 00:10:30.030 align:middle line:84%
He wants to go back to
the city of blossoms."

00:10:30.030 --> 00:10:33.370 align:middle line:90%


00:10:33.370 --> 00:10:34.930 align:middle line:84%
I should have prefaced
this by saying

00:10:34.930 --> 00:10:37.180 align:middle line:84%
that it's absolutely frightening
to be married to him.

00:10:37.180 --> 00:10:40.180 align:middle line:84%
Because he talks in his sleep
and gets up in his sleep.

00:10:40.180 --> 00:10:46.270 align:middle line:84%
And the night his father died,
he was messing with the lamp

00:10:46.270 --> 00:10:46.930 align:middle line:90%
all night.

00:10:46.930 --> 00:10:48.340 align:middle line:90%
And it was very frightening.

00:10:48.340 --> 00:10:51.500 align:middle line:84%
I really thought he was
going to electrocute himself.

00:10:51.500 --> 00:10:52.000 align:middle line:90%