WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.520 align:middle line:90% 00:00:00.520 --> 00:00:03.452 align:middle line:84% I'm a strong kid full of nothing, and from nothing 00:00:03.452 --> 00:00:05.410 align:middle line:84% do I ask a blessing and kneel down to and pray. 00:00:05.410 --> 00:00:06.010 align:middle line:90% Nothing. 00:00:06.010 --> 00:00:07.450 align:middle line:90% Nothing do I pray to. 00:00:07.450 --> 00:00:09.250 align:middle line:90% Hope nothing forgives my wrongs. 00:00:09.250 --> 00:00:11.710 align:middle line:84% And nothing, especially nothing helps when I 00:00:11.710 --> 00:00:13.690 align:middle line:90% come to take vengeance on you. 00:00:13.690 --> 00:00:17.350 align:middle line:84% Because at 14 years old, beneath a moon 00:00:17.350 --> 00:00:20.830 align:middle line:84% above the sportscasters booth at the outdoors boxing 00:00:20.830 --> 00:00:23.170 align:middle line:84% coliseum, after all the crowds go home and the rings 00:00:23.170 --> 00:00:26.350 align:middle line:84% are moved, I come out shadow boxing invisible opponents. 00:00:26.350 --> 00:00:28.750 align:middle line:84% Raise my hand as a champion to the moon. 00:00:28.750 --> 00:00:31.270 align:middle line:84% All of a sudden, I joined the homeboys against a rival gang 00:00:31.270 --> 00:00:33.005 align:middle line:90% when I hear that [WHISTLE]. 00:00:33.005 --> 00:00:35.380 align:middle line:84% I skipped the bleachers over the handrails out of breath. 00:00:35.380 --> 00:00:37.630 align:middle line:84% Hold court in the field with pipes and chains, 00:00:37.630 --> 00:00:38.530 align:middle line:90% knuckles and guns. 00:00:38.530 --> 00:00:41.950 align:middle line:84% In the game, every kid has to hold a five ace winning heart. 00:00:41.950 --> 00:00:43.390 align:middle line:90% Five ace. 00:00:43.390 --> 00:00:46.210 align:middle line:84% Or die with a poker player's bluffing hand. 00:00:46.210 --> 00:00:48.760 align:middle line:84% Because you understand death ain't nothing but an eight ball 00:00:48.760 --> 00:00:49.810 align:middle line:90% roll in the break. 00:00:49.810 --> 00:00:52.260 align:middle line:90% It's that simple. 00:00:52.260 --> 00:00:57.450 align:middle line:84% And at 16, I'm a brown fight and get down impromptu warrior. 00:00:57.450 --> 00:00:59.560 align:middle line:84% Lip pursed, ooh, and a fever to defy. 00:00:59.560 --> 00:01:01.810 align:middle line:84% Clicking tap shoes on the sidewalk, and wherever I go, 00:01:01.810 --> 00:01:03.870 align:middle line:84% it's a chi chi chi chi chi chi chi cano. 00:01:03.870 --> 00:01:05.310 align:middle line:90% Heel to toe and chin to chest. 00:01:05.310 --> 00:01:07.350 align:middle line:84% Chi chi chi chi chi chi chi cano. 00:01:07.350 --> 00:01:08.970 align:middle line:84% T-shirt rolled to the bare midriff. 00:01:08.970 --> 00:01:11.250 align:middle line:84% Pomade hair back, low hugging hip kaks, 00:01:11.250 --> 00:01:13.302 align:middle line:84% inked across the right hand, bandana top button 00:01:13.302 --> 00:01:14.010 align:middle line:90% on the Pendleton. 00:01:14.010 --> 00:01:16.680 align:middle line:84% Lean and mean, haunting you with gangster signs on the corner. 00:01:16.680 --> 00:01:17.400 align:middle line:90% You know why? 00:01:17.400 --> 00:01:20.610 align:middle line:84% Because I learned my history around water bucket talk 00:01:20.610 --> 00:01:23.160 align:middle line:84% in the field, listening to mule tongue growers 00:01:23.160 --> 00:01:26.160 align:middle line:84% mutter holy why as they barbed wire at our lands off. 00:01:26.160 --> 00:01:29.250 align:middle line:84% Clacking my hoe in the grower's dirt against bones of my people 00:01:29.250 --> 00:01:30.720 align:middle line:90% murdered here. 00:01:30.720 --> 00:01:32.820 align:middle line:84% And under a branding hot noon I cut the lettuce 00:01:32.820 --> 00:01:35.010 align:middle line:84% for the bronc buckle, soft palm landowners. 00:01:35.010 --> 00:01:36.870 align:middle line:84% Their steer horned Cadillac radios 00:01:36.870 --> 00:01:40.050 align:middle line:84% tuned to religious broadcasts blaring godliness 00:01:40.050 --> 00:01:40.980 align:middle line:90% that they have. 00:01:40.980 --> 00:01:43.777 align:middle line:84% As they loom over me, hey God hates you, Spic. 00:01:43.777 --> 00:01:44.610 align:middle line:90% You understand that? 00:01:44.610 --> 00:01:45.570 align:middle line:84% That's why you're out here working 00:01:45.570 --> 00:01:46.980 align:middle line:90% for me because God hates you. 00:01:46.980 --> 00:01:47.700 align:middle line:90% You're dirt, boy. 00:01:47.700 --> 00:01:48.360 align:middle line:90% You're dirt. 00:01:48.360 --> 00:01:50.800 align:middle line:84% You come across the border and even the dirt grows weeds. 00:01:50.800 --> 00:01:51.300 align:middle line:90% But you? 00:01:51.300 --> 00:01:54.990 align:middle line:84% You ain't nothing but dirt that grows nothing but more dirt. 00:01:54.990 --> 00:01:57.930 align:middle line:84% And suddenly beat purple at nine. 00:01:57.930 --> 00:01:59.190 align:middle line:90% Wood paddle. 00:01:59.190 --> 00:02:02.760 align:middle line:84% Whizzing bullet stings against me. 00:02:02.760 --> 00:02:04.620 align:middle line:84% And in the shower I touch the washcloth 00:02:04.620 --> 00:02:07.950 align:middle line:84% to the bruises and the welts on my thigh and my leg 00:02:07.950 --> 00:02:13.170 align:middle line:84% and my back, and I wince under the nozzle cursing my life. 00:02:13.170 --> 00:02:16.350 align:middle line:84% My heart is like a severed head of an outlaw pickled 00:02:16.350 --> 00:02:19.680 align:middle line:84% in a jar of liquor just to numb the hurt. 00:02:19.680 --> 00:02:22.560 align:middle line:84% Purging the shame for being born. 00:02:22.560 --> 00:02:24.600 align:middle line:90% Purging the shame for being me. 00:02:24.600 --> 00:02:25.680 align:middle line:90% I ODed. 00:02:25.680 --> 00:02:26.430 align:middle line:90% I stabbed. 00:02:26.430 --> 00:02:27.060 align:middle line:90% I got stabbed. 00:02:27.060 --> 00:02:27.660 align:middle line:90% I got shot. 00:02:27.660 --> 00:02:29.952 align:middle line:84% Wanting to believe that I was bad because it was better 00:02:29.952 --> 00:02:31.350 align:middle line:90% than dirt. 00:02:31.350 --> 00:02:33.630 align:middle line:84% It was better than falling into darkness 00:02:33.630 --> 00:02:38.040 align:middle line:84% where nothing existed but more darkness, more despair. 00:02:38.040 --> 00:02:46.270 align:middle line:84% And I wanted to exist even, even, even as no good dirt. 00:02:46.270 --> 00:02:51.370 align:middle line:84% And at 19, trying to rebuild my life, I got the urge, got high. 00:02:51.370 --> 00:02:54.190 align:middle line:84% Put the pistol to my head and played roulette. 00:02:54.190 --> 00:02:57.070 align:middle line:84% My blood shot drunkard's eyes seething rage. 00:02:57.070 --> 00:03:00.550 align:middle line:84% My guardian angel didn't want me dead. 00:03:00.550 --> 00:03:02.890 align:middle line:84% I came home one night after doing 00:03:02.890 --> 00:03:11.290 align:middle line:84% drugs for days, pulled in, saw the dirt yard with my daughters 00:03:11.290 --> 00:03:15.070 align:middle line:84% laughter, her tricycle treads scribbling in the dust. 00:03:15.070 --> 00:03:16.498 align:middle line:90% You're always gone. 00:03:16.498 --> 00:03:18.040 align:middle line:84% And a whiskey and drugs, you're never 00:03:18.040 --> 00:03:20.560 align:middle line:90% here to help me play or grow. 00:03:20.560 --> 00:03:22.270 align:middle line:90% I walk in the house. 00:03:22.270 --> 00:03:23.950 align:middle line:90% No heat. 00:03:23.950 --> 00:03:25.390 align:middle line:90% No light. 00:03:25.390 --> 00:03:26.890 align:middle line:90% No food. 00:03:26.890 --> 00:03:29.170 align:middle line:90% My woman in bed. 00:03:29.170 --> 00:03:31.030 align:middle line:90% My baby's crying. 00:03:31.030 --> 00:03:34.160 align:middle line:84% Chisels on the headstone of my bones. 00:03:34.160 --> 00:03:36.940 align:middle line:90% Her need for a father. 00:03:36.940 --> 00:03:39.280 align:middle line:84% Wobbled to a stop when I pick her from the crib, 00:03:39.280 --> 00:03:41.800 align:middle line:90% and I inhale her milky aroma. 00:03:41.800 --> 00:03:43.340 align:middle line:90% I start patting and kissing her. 00:03:43.340 --> 00:03:44.860 align:middle line:84% I start walking her back and forth 00:03:44.860 --> 00:03:49.930 align:middle line:84% in the living room, warming her in my skin, drug addict heat. 00:03:49.930 --> 00:03:51.610 align:middle line:84% Breathing warmth on her, holding her 00:03:51.610 --> 00:03:56.110 align:middle line:84% to my chest humming the song that my grandmother sung to me, 00:03:56.110 --> 00:04:00.880 align:middle line:84% [SINGING] Bendito, bendito, bendito sea Dios. 00:04:00.880 --> 00:04:05.680 align:middle line:84% Los angeles cantan y daban a Dios. 00:04:05.680 --> 00:04:11.450 align:middle line:84% Los angeles cantan y daban a Dios. 00:04:11.450 --> 00:04:13.490 align:middle line:90% Blessed, blessed is the Lord. 00:04:13.490 --> 00:04:15.830 align:middle line:84% The angels sing and give to the Lord. 00:04:15.830 --> 00:04:18.860 align:middle line:84% And just then, her tiny hand flexed. 00:04:18.860 --> 00:04:23.840 align:middle line:84% A wing unwrinkling from cocoon for flight. 00:04:23.840 --> 00:04:29.000 align:middle line:84% And I realized I'm two men with one life. 00:04:29.000 --> 00:04:30.770 align:middle line:90% I love her. 00:04:30.770 --> 00:04:32.398 align:middle line:90% I care about her. 00:04:32.398 --> 00:04:34.190 align:middle line:84% I want to live at home and be a family man, 00:04:34.190 --> 00:04:37.040 align:middle line:84% and I want to grow old with this woman. 00:04:37.040 --> 00:04:41.030 align:middle line:84% But the warrior bears is throwing her teeth at me. 00:04:41.030 --> 00:04:43.160 align:middle line:90% And at domesticity. 00:04:43.160 --> 00:04:46.610 align:middle line:84% Slurs and disgust at the dreamer's naivete. 00:04:46.610 --> 00:04:50.180 align:middle line:84% And wants to brawl and afraid of dying young in the street. 00:04:50.180 --> 00:04:54.500 align:middle line:90% But tonight my infant is me. 00:04:54.500 --> 00:04:56.510 align:middle line:90% And I'm her. 00:04:56.510 --> 00:04:57.830 align:middle line:90% And I'm so scared. 00:04:57.830 --> 00:05:01.160 align:middle line:90% I see myself as I was born. 00:05:01.160 --> 00:05:03.450 align:middle line:90% I wasn't born an addict. 00:05:03.450 --> 00:05:07.160 align:middle line:84% I was born innocent and perfect with the whole life 00:05:07.160 --> 00:05:09.440 align:middle line:90% ahead of me. 00:05:09.440 --> 00:05:10.880 align:middle line:90% And I'm so scared. 00:05:10.880 --> 00:05:13.160 align:middle line:90% I see she can become me. 00:05:13.160 --> 00:05:15.650 align:middle line:90% No good. 00:05:15.650 --> 00:05:18.410 align:middle line:90% And I hum, Lord, I hum. 00:05:18.410 --> 00:05:19.460 align:middle line:90% Holding her tight. 00:05:19.460 --> 00:05:21.440 align:middle line:90% Melted into one hug. 00:05:21.440 --> 00:05:22.640 align:middle line:90% Humming. 00:05:22.640 --> 00:05:26.450 align:middle line:84% 'Til dawn thaws frost on the window casements. 00:05:26.450 --> 00:05:29.690 align:middle line:84% And thinking how to give my family a better life, 00:05:29.690 --> 00:05:34.100 align:middle line:84% I hand my baby to my wife, and I go walk in the ditch banks. 00:05:34.100 --> 00:05:37.640 align:middle line:84% Surprised to see the pebbles last night's rain uncovered. 00:05:37.640 --> 00:05:41.300 align:middle line:84% I see blues and greens, reds, whites, yellows. 00:05:41.300 --> 00:05:44.690 align:middle line:84% I want my tears to reveal what's covered in me like that. 00:05:44.690 --> 00:05:46.640 align:middle line:90% But I can't cry. 00:05:46.640 --> 00:05:49.910 align:middle line:84% I pick up a stone, and I throw it in the irrigation water. 00:05:49.910 --> 00:05:52.430 align:middle line:90% And I see where it gasps. 00:05:52.430 --> 00:05:56.000 align:middle line:84% I see my child's awestruck mouth glistening for breath, saying, 00:05:56.000 --> 00:05:58.580 align:middle line:90% papa give me a chance. 00:05:58.580 --> 00:06:03.890 align:middle line:84% Glimmering ripples calling me, papa, be a father. 00:06:03.890 --> 00:06:07.820 align:middle line:84% And I stand there realizing I got to start today. 00:06:07.820 --> 00:06:12.560 align:middle line:84% Where the stone hit is the center of the ripples. 00:06:12.560 --> 00:06:15.800 align:middle line:84% Where the stone hit is the center that caused the action. 00:06:15.800 --> 00:06:18.470 align:middle line:84% Where the stone hit is the beginning. 00:06:18.470 --> 00:06:20.360 align:middle line:84% It's where I'm standing now this morning. 00:06:20.360 --> 00:06:21.140 align:middle line:90% It's the center. 00:06:21.140 --> 00:06:24.410 align:middle line:84% I'm the stone that I held in my hand as a kid and I threw. 00:06:24.410 --> 00:06:28.760 align:middle line:84% And Lord, have mercy, how far I threw it as a boy. 00:06:28.760 --> 00:06:32.360 align:middle line:84% And so at 21, I got on my knees, and I 00:06:32.360 --> 00:06:39.140 align:middle line:84% prayed, Lord, my lightning self carved from throwing away 00:06:39.140 --> 00:06:39.860 align:middle line:90% woodpile days. 00:06:39.860 --> 00:06:41.720 align:middle line:90% Please, Lord, carve a faith. 00:06:41.720 --> 00:06:44.030 align:middle line:84% Cut deep to the knot core of my heart 00:06:44.030 --> 00:06:47.450 align:middle line:84% and give me one of them limb top buoyancies. 00:06:47.450 --> 00:06:51.500 align:middle line:84% Give me one of them top of the branch awakening realizations, 00:06:51.500 --> 00:06:54.320 align:middle line:84% and when it storms and it blows, Lord, 00:06:54.320 --> 00:06:56.810 align:middle line:84% let me cling to the branch with the realization 00:06:56.810 --> 00:06:58.190 align:middle line:90% that I'm a good man. 00:06:58.190 --> 00:06:59.840 align:middle line:90% That I'm a good human being. 00:06:59.840 --> 00:07:02.960 align:middle line:84% Healing the emotional earthquakes in myself Lord, 00:07:02.960 --> 00:07:05.320 align:middle line:90% let the wind blow. 00:07:05.320 --> 00:07:12.000 align:middle line:90%