WEBVTT

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It's very hard to have a
really pleasant high in America

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these days.

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With Bush, you never
know, you know?

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OK.

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This is a poem I wrote because--

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I feel a little crowded
here, so you have

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to forgive my anxiety here.

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I don't like confined places.

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But the immigration issue in
this country really sucks.

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And because you can't--

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human beings.

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And in my culture, we have
the [? códices ?] which were

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written 3,000, 4,000 years ago,
and they tell about the people

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coming back north to Aztlán to
the area of the blue cranes.

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So we sort of operate on a
very ancient, ancient códice.

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And we've been here
for I don't know

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how many thousands of years.

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And we've seen the
French, and the English,

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and the Americans come through.

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And we always constantly
have to change things,

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and the border keeps moving.

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My grandmother was telling
me that the border was

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once French, and then it became
English, and now it's American.

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And we constantly have to
go get new cards to go see

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our uncles across the border.

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And you know, it's just
a ridiculous thing.

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But not too many
Americans know that.

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But the one thing that happens
is that a lot of people

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suffer in really strange ways
when you start to put down

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impositions on language.

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Horrible things
happen to people.

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And this is a poem to
my grandfather, who

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I remember getting
up in the morning

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and starting the fire
at 4:00 in the stove.

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And I remember him saying
that Martina, and Mario,

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and Richard, and Sandy can't
go to school, but Jimmy can.

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And they would save
their money that they

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worked for in the fields
and put it up on the shelf.

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And it was a great
disappointment to me

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later on when I went to prison
because they were the ones that

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had so much hope that I would
go to school that I really felt

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bad about disappointing them.

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And this is a poem of the
time that I remembered

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when I was in the Pueblo.

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And they came because we
had a really bad blizzard,

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and they sent a
government man down.

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So this is that
one, and the story

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of what happens when you
try to tell people they

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can't speak their language.

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Pórtate bien.

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Behave yourself, you
always said to me.

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And I behaved myself when
others were warm in winter

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and I stood out in the cold.

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I behaved myself when
others had full plates

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and I stared at them through
the cafe windows hungrily,

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never speaking out of turn.

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Behaving like a good
boy until my behavior

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was shattered by outsiders
who came to the village

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one day, insulting
grandpa because he

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couldn't speak English.

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English became the
invaders' sword--

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the oppressors'
language that hurled me

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into a profound despair.

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That day, grandpa and I
walked into the farm office

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for a loan.

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And this man didn't give grandpa
an application because he

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was, he said, stupid.

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And that moment cut
me in two pieces--

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one screaming my grandpa was
a lovely man, and the other

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that this government
clerk was a beast.

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And I saw my grandpa's
eyes go dark with remorse

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that his grandchild would
witness him humiliated.

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And the apricot
tree of his soul--

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the one that I ran
out every evening,

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and climbed up in his arms,
and up on his shoulders,

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almost feeling like I
had touched the moon--

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the apricot tree
that we played on

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was cut down using
English language as an ax.

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But the scene of my
grandpa in that room

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and what came out of his soul,
what soared from his veins

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helped make me into a poet.

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It's the scene
that never left me,

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through all the
sadness, and the tears,

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and the momentary joys that
have blossomed, and broken,

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and shattered my innocence.

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I've never forgotten
the room that day--

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the way the light
hazily filtered

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in through the
windows, and the way

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that my strong, dignified
presence of my grandfather

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was there in his sheepskin coat,
and those field working boots.

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That scene and the way that the
board's creaked under his work

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boots when he heard
the word stupid,

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shifting his weight
nervously, haunted me.

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It echoed in my
dreams, and it drummed

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in my blood, cried and
my heart, was with me

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through the hours of my life.

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That man behind the counter with
his important government papers

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rattling, saying,
move on, stupid.

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That disdainful
look on his face.

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That scene, and the door,
and the child I was,

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and my grandpa's hand on the
doorknob crushing mine under

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his, and me saying, Grampito,
suéltelo, you're hurting it.

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And his eyes on me like a
voice grieving in the wind,

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saying, I'm sorry.

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The scene that dusty day
with the drought baked clay,

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and my pants' cuffs, and
the sheep starving for feed,

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and my grandpa's hopes up that
the farm aid man would help us

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as he had other farmers.

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That scene framed in
my 10-year-old mind

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having prayed at mass
that morning, getting up

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at 4:00, on my knees, begging
God, do not let the sheep die.

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Three generations.

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Perform a miracle for us with
a little help from the farm aid

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man.

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I knew entering that door
and seeing gringos coming out

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smiling with signed papers
to buy feed that we too were

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going to survive the drought.

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And the scene with its
wooden floor, and my shoes

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scraping sand grains
that had blown in,

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and the hot sun warming my face.

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And me standing in a room later,
looking around for grandpa

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after the farm aid
man turned us down.

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I knew our sheep
were going to die.

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I knew Grandpa was going to die.

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That moment opened
a wound in my heart.

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And in the wound, the scene
replayed itself 1,000 times.

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Why would the man say no?

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Why would he take my grandpa?

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The grief, and the
hurt, and the confusion

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of a 10-year-old mind.

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That day, all I knew was my
life was changed forever.

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Made me a man.

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Made me understand that
because the man I loved

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couldn't speak
English had to die.

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And when I turned and walked
out the door onto Main Street,

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squinting my eyes at the world
and dust looking for the man

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that I loved, the world
was never the same.

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It was the first time I realized
how a man's racism could

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take the man I loved away.

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It was the first
time that I ever

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realized how a
man's racism could

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destroy a people's dream--

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could kill it.

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And during all of it,
my grandmother said--

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Pórtate bien, mijito.

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Behave yourself, my son.

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Behave.

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[APPLAUSE]

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