WEBVTT

00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.070 align:middle line:90%


00:00:02.070 --> 00:00:05.640 align:middle line:90%
"I felt awful last night.

00:00:05.640 --> 00:00:07.980 align:middle line:84%
I slept by myself,
and I was so lonely.

00:00:07.980 --> 00:00:12.250 align:middle line:84%
I actually heard myself
talking in my sleep.

00:00:12.250 --> 00:00:14.140 align:middle line:90%
This was the dream.

00:00:14.140 --> 00:00:17.380 align:middle line:84%
There was an old store
being moved out of.

00:00:17.380 --> 00:00:20.050 align:middle line:84%
It was full of piles
of sodden old rags

00:00:20.050 --> 00:00:23.350 align:middle line:84%
and burnt pieces of gauze,
and ribbons and dark plaster

00:00:23.350 --> 00:00:24.040 align:middle line:90%
lathing.

00:00:24.040 --> 00:00:26.800 align:middle line:84%
And I suddenly realized
that it was a bridal shop.

00:00:26.800 --> 00:00:29.260 align:middle line:84%
And in the dream, I thought
it was a perfect symbol

00:00:29.260 --> 00:00:32.030 align:middle line:90%
for what my soul is now.

00:00:32.030 --> 00:00:34.000 align:middle line:84%
There was a bride
still there, gleaming

00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:35.180 align:middle line:90%
in the middle of everything.

00:00:35.180 --> 00:00:38.500 align:middle line:84%
And the old ladies who ran the
place, came out to us and said,

00:00:38.500 --> 00:00:40.690 align:middle line:90%
OK, it's yours now.

00:00:40.690 --> 00:00:43.630 align:middle line:84%
And that's when I heard myself
out loud saying, fuck you.

00:00:43.630 --> 00:00:46.600 align:middle line:84%
What do you mean
mine, old bitches?

00:00:46.600 --> 00:00:49.090 align:middle line:84%
I was still asleep,
shouting all that.

00:00:49.090 --> 00:00:51.400 align:middle line:84%
But then something made
me laugh to myself,

00:00:51.400 --> 00:00:54.070 align:middle line:84%
and that's what
finally woke me up.

00:00:54.070 --> 00:00:57.220 align:middle line:84%
I laid there for a long
time, still laughing

00:00:57.220 --> 00:00:59.890 align:middle line:84%
and promised myself to be
sure to remember everything

00:00:59.890 --> 00:01:01.270 align:middle line:90%
for today.

00:01:01.270 --> 00:01:05.500 align:middle line:84%
And I do, but if it was so
funny during the night, how come

00:01:05.500 --> 00:01:08.980 align:middle line:84%
I feel so utterly
like shit today?

00:01:08.980 --> 00:01:11.080 align:middle line:84%
How come everything
this morning feels

00:01:11.080 --> 00:01:12.490 align:middle line:90%
as though it looks like me?

00:01:12.490 --> 00:01:17.020 align:middle line:84%
My typewriter, my cup, the whole
room is me with my skull off.

00:01:17.020 --> 00:01:19.960 align:middle line:84%
And why do I feel as though
I'll never be in love again,

00:01:19.960 --> 00:01:23.320 align:middle line:84%
and I won't be able to stand the
rest of my life in front of me

00:01:23.320 --> 00:01:25.960 align:middle line:90%
without love?

00:01:25.960 --> 00:01:29.560 align:middle line:84%
What did that old
store really mean?

00:01:29.560 --> 00:01:33.490 align:middle line:84%
Why did I think in the dream it
was such a good symbol for me?

00:01:33.490 --> 00:01:37.420 align:middle line:84%
I can almost smell how all
the crap stank in the gloom?

00:01:37.420 --> 00:01:39.760 align:middle line:90%
What did the bride mean?

00:01:39.760 --> 00:01:42.010 align:middle line:90%
Is it somebody I love?

00:01:42.010 --> 00:01:45.530 align:middle line:84%
Is it the last thing inside
myself I haven't destroyed yet?

00:01:45.530 --> 00:01:46.660 align:middle line:90%
And if so, what is it?

00:01:46.660 --> 00:01:49.850 align:middle line:90%
What does it stand for?

00:01:49.850 --> 00:01:52.750 align:middle line:84%
It would be better to
be invisible than this.

00:01:52.750 --> 00:01:56.800 align:middle line:84%
To fog into something,
and just stay there.

00:01:56.800 --> 00:01:58.660 align:middle line:90%
I'm not going to move today.

00:01:58.660 --> 00:02:00.940 align:middle line:90%
I'm not going to eat or think.

00:02:00.940 --> 00:02:02.680 align:middle line:84%
I'm going to sit
here and try to keep

00:02:02.680 --> 00:02:05.650 align:middle line:84%
the picture of that crumbling
building with the bride dummy

00:02:05.650 --> 00:02:08.410 align:middle line:84%
in it in my mind, until
something happens.

00:02:08.410 --> 00:02:11.860 align:middle line:84%
Maybe somebody will come
tonight, to see where I am.

00:02:11.860 --> 00:02:13.720 align:middle line:84%
Maybe they'll take
me in their arms,

00:02:13.720 --> 00:02:16.300 align:middle line:84%
and pull my head down
onto their breasts

00:02:16.300 --> 00:02:18.880 align:middle line:90%
and I'll imagine I'm real.

00:02:18.880 --> 00:02:21.160 align:middle line:84%
And the world will
cry ferociously

00:02:21.160 --> 00:02:26.750 align:middle line:84%
against my new mouth,
and we'll fuck hard

00:02:26.750 --> 00:02:28.850 align:middle line:90%
and let it all end right there.

00:02:28.850 --> 00:02:36.390 align:middle line:90%


00:02:36.390 --> 00:02:40.680 align:middle line:84%
Imagine somebody who's torn
his balls and his cock off.

00:02:40.680 --> 00:02:43.440 align:middle line:84%
There they are in
your hand like dolls,

00:02:43.440 --> 00:02:45.300 align:middle line:84%
like something from
a wedding cake.

00:02:45.300 --> 00:02:48.660 align:middle line:84%
Lovers, man and wife
browned and fragile.

00:02:48.660 --> 00:02:50.760 align:middle line:84%
The bodies fattened
and foreshortened

00:02:50.760 --> 00:02:53.730 align:middle line:90%
like real peoples.

00:02:53.730 --> 00:02:56.490 align:middle line:84%
The women who took them
held them down by her crotch

00:02:56.490 --> 00:02:58.470 align:middle line:84%
and laughed, and
who had them next,

00:02:58.470 --> 00:02:59.790 align:middle line:90%
licked them and licked them.

00:02:59.790 --> 00:03:03.600 align:middle line:84%
I could see her tasting the
sour flakes, the tiny morning

00:03:03.600 --> 00:03:06.360 align:middle line:84%
coat of the man raveling
off onto her lips

00:03:06.360 --> 00:03:09.360 align:middle line:90%
and sticking limply.

00:03:09.360 --> 00:03:12.210 align:middle line:90%
They were toys is all.

00:03:12.210 --> 00:03:15.300 align:middle line:84%
The child of whom has
died ages before this,

00:03:15.300 --> 00:03:19.170 align:middle line:84%
and the new child
squashes it and vomits it.

00:03:19.170 --> 00:03:22.260 align:middle line:84%
Something the past has
thrown out of itself.

00:03:22.260 --> 00:03:25.350 align:middle line:84%
The two people more
wounded and more sexual.

00:03:25.350 --> 00:03:30.720 align:middle line:84%
The man howling for his woman,
and the woman howling back.

00:03:30.720 --> 00:03:33.840 align:middle line:90%
Dead things eating the dead.

00:03:33.840 --> 00:03:37.110 align:middle line:84%
The flesh churning, and
ripping to keep life long

00:03:37.110 --> 00:03:39.120 align:middle line:90%
after there's no consciousness.

00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:44.220 align:middle line:84%
Feed, fuck, crush
the dead things.

00:03:44.220 --> 00:03:46.720 align:middle line:90%
I can't do it anymore.

00:03:46.720 --> 00:03:48.570 align:middle line:90%
I can't bear it anymore."

00:03:48.570 --> 00:03:51.458 align:middle line:90%


00:03:51.458 --> 00:03:53.250 align:middle line:84%
Actually when those
people got up to leave,

00:03:53.250 --> 00:03:54.958 align:middle line:84%
I thought maybe they
were leaving because

00:03:54.958 --> 00:03:58.200 align:middle line:84%
of some of the language
in the poem, which

00:03:58.200 --> 00:04:01.440 align:middle line:90%
would be nice actually.

00:04:01.440 --> 00:04:03.930 align:middle line:84%
We have this feeling that
anything that's hard is OK.

00:04:03.930 --> 00:04:07.110 align:middle line:90%


00:04:07.110 --> 00:04:12.270 align:middle line:84%
When I started using
language like cock and cunt,

00:04:12.270 --> 00:04:14.250 align:middle line:84%
I thought of it
primarily as a source

00:04:14.250 --> 00:04:17.519 align:middle line:90%
of sort of personal salvation.

00:04:17.519 --> 00:04:21.480 align:middle line:84%
That using the other language
like penis and vagina,

00:04:21.480 --> 00:04:23.490 align:middle line:84%
sounds like too little
southern ladies.

00:04:23.490 --> 00:04:26.460 align:middle line:90%
[LAUGHTER]

00:04:26.460 --> 00:04:29.220 align:middle line:84%
That it was my own
sexual salvation.

00:04:29.220 --> 00:04:36.690 align:middle line:84%
But now it's very
apparently a political act,

00:04:36.690 --> 00:04:40.410 align:middle line:84%
because if you're in a
culture that uses euphemisms,

00:04:40.410 --> 00:04:43.680 align:middle line:84%
then you end up with things
like protective reaction

00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:47.220 align:middle line:84%
and incursion, and the
whole vocabulary of horror

00:04:47.220 --> 00:04:49.400 align:middle line:90%
that we've developed.

00:04:49.400 --> 00:04:50.456 align:middle line:90%