WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.120 align:middle line:84% It was the first time I had successfully 00:00:03.120 --> 00:00:05.430 align:middle line:90% joked around with my father. 00:00:05.430 --> 00:00:09.210 align:middle line:84% I knew it was a joke that would make him smile. 00:00:09.210 --> 00:00:14.430 align:middle line:84% As I drove home that afternoon, I decided to get a passport. 00:00:14.430 --> 00:00:17.730 align:middle line:84% I don't remember what had happened to the one I had. 00:00:17.730 --> 00:00:20.790 align:middle line:84% My mother had always kept it in her possession. 00:00:20.790 --> 00:00:22.860 align:middle line:90% I wanted to go to Juarez. 00:00:22.860 --> 00:00:25.980 align:middle line:84% I wanted to find Marcos and Jorge. 00:00:25.980 --> 00:00:31.020 align:middle line:84% I wanted to see who they had become, 00:00:31.020 --> 00:00:34.875 align:middle line:84% or maybe I wanted to find out what I had become. 00:00:34.875 --> 00:00:37.580 align:middle line:90% 00:00:37.580 --> 00:00:40.520 align:middle line:84% It took me three months to get my passport. 00:00:40.520 --> 00:00:43.490 align:middle line:84% When I got it in the mail, it also included my border 00:00:43.490 --> 00:00:44.930 align:middle line:90% crossing card. 00:00:44.930 --> 00:00:47.600 align:middle line:90% My father intercepted my mail. 00:00:47.600 --> 00:00:51.290 align:middle line:84% I didn't like that, but I never crossed my father. 00:00:51.290 --> 00:00:53.450 align:middle line:90% I was afraid of him. 00:00:53.450 --> 00:00:57.470 align:middle line:84% I'd seen his temper, and though his temper had never 00:00:57.470 --> 00:01:02.190 align:middle line:84% been aimed at me, I knew what could happen. 00:01:02.190 --> 00:01:07.070 align:middle line:84% Maybe that's why I kept all his rules. 00:01:07.070 --> 00:01:10.460 align:middle line:84% He asked me why I wanted a passport. 00:01:10.460 --> 00:01:13.910 align:middle line:84% "To go to Juarez and visit my old friends," I said. 00:01:13.910 --> 00:01:16.710 align:middle line:84% "Don't you think it's been too long? 00:01:16.710 --> 00:01:19.490 align:middle line:84% Don't you think they've moved on?" 00:01:19.490 --> 00:01:21.380 align:middle line:90% "I don't know," I said. 00:01:21.380 --> 00:01:23.250 align:middle line:90% And I was really mad. 00:01:23.250 --> 00:01:28.190 align:middle line:84% And though I never talked back to my father, this time, I did. 00:01:28.190 --> 00:01:31.160 align:middle line:84% "And you don't know either," I said. 00:01:31.160 --> 00:01:33.620 align:middle line:84% "No fucking way you're going to Juarez. 00:01:33.620 --> 00:01:36.020 align:middle line:84% Don't you read the goddamn newspapers? 00:01:36.020 --> 00:01:39.380 align:middle line:84% Don't you fucking know what's happening over there?" 00:01:39.380 --> 00:01:41.270 align:middle line:90% "I know." 00:01:41.270 --> 00:01:45.200 align:middle line:84% "For such a smart kid, you're something of a dumb ass," 00:01:45.200 --> 00:01:46.730 align:middle line:90% he said. 00:01:46.730 --> 00:01:51.170 align:middle line:84% I nodded and took my passport out of his hand. 00:01:51.170 --> 00:01:54.170 align:middle line:90% "I have a rule," I said. 00:01:54.170 --> 00:01:57.260 align:middle line:90% "Never open my mail. 00:01:57.260 --> 00:02:02.910 align:middle line:90% And never walk into my room." 00:02:02.910 --> 00:02:06.150 align:middle line:84% I didn't bother to study the look on his face. 00:02:06.150 --> 00:02:10.229 align:middle line:84% I grabbed my passport out of his hand and turned away from him. 00:02:10.229 --> 00:02:13.880 align:middle line:90% 00:02:13.880 --> 00:02:17.540 align:middle line:84% I think I knew something about addiction. 00:02:17.540 --> 00:02:21.170 align:middle line:84% I was addicted to drawing my mother. 00:02:21.170 --> 00:02:25.510 align:middle line:84% I had hundreds of sketches of her. 00:02:25.510 --> 00:02:26.830 align:middle line:90% I never sketched my father. 00:02:26.830 --> 00:02:30.220 align:middle line:90% 00:02:30.220 --> 00:02:32.740 align:middle line:84% I heard my father talking to a man. 00:02:32.740 --> 00:02:37.480 align:middle line:84% He was in the kitchen and I was doing my homework on my laptop 00:02:37.480 --> 00:02:39.910 align:middle line:90% while I watched the television. 00:02:39.910 --> 00:02:43.030 align:middle line:84% My father was excited, and I noticed his cell 00:02:43.030 --> 00:02:45.220 align:middle line:90% phone was on the coffee table. 00:02:45.220 --> 00:02:50.050 align:middle line:84% I knew he was using one of his throwaway cells. 00:02:50.050 --> 00:02:52.720 align:middle line:84% Once, when we were on our way to eat dinner, 00:02:52.720 --> 00:02:55.000 align:middle line:90% we took the scenic route. 00:02:55.000 --> 00:03:00.430 align:middle line:84% He stopped to toss a cell phone out into the desert. 00:03:00.430 --> 00:03:04.450 align:middle line:84% My father was saying something about his fucking 00:03:04.450 --> 00:03:05.500 align:middle line:90% ship coming in. 00:03:05.500 --> 00:03:08.030 align:middle line:90% 00:03:08.030 --> 00:03:10.790 align:middle line:90% He left on a business trip. 00:03:10.790 --> 00:03:14.060 align:middle line:84% "I'll be back in a couple of weeks," he said. 00:03:14.060 --> 00:03:16.370 align:middle line:90% "I won't be in touch." 00:03:16.370 --> 00:03:20.540 align:middle line:84% He gave me the business card I'd seen the one with the lawyer's 00:03:20.540 --> 00:03:22.850 align:middle line:90% name and number and address. 00:03:22.850 --> 00:03:27.140 align:middle line:84% "If something happens, call him." 00:03:27.140 --> 00:03:29.067 align:middle line:90% I nodded. 00:03:29.067 --> 00:03:30.650 align:middle line:84% He must have left early in the morning 00:03:30.650 --> 00:03:35.210 align:middle line:84% because when I got up the next day, he was gone. 00:03:35.210 --> 00:03:37.940 align:middle line:84% He left me a note on the kitchen table. 00:03:37.940 --> 00:03:40.610 align:middle line:90% "Don't go to Juarez. 00:03:40.610 --> 00:03:42.950 align:middle line:90% Don't go into my room. 00:03:42.950 --> 00:03:47.390 align:middle line:84% Don't fucking do drugs, and start thinking about what 00:03:47.390 --> 00:03:50.540 align:middle line:90% college you want to go to. 00:03:50.540 --> 00:03:53.390 align:middle line:90% That's your homework." 00:03:53.390 --> 00:03:57.920 align:middle line:84% So every night, I would come home from school, 00:03:57.920 --> 00:04:00.650 align:middle line:84% do my homework, then get on the internet 00:04:00.650 --> 00:04:04.490 align:middle line:84% and study all the schools I might like to go to. 00:04:04.490 --> 00:04:08.510 align:middle line:84% I stayed up until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning every night. 00:04:08.510 --> 00:04:12.530 align:middle line:84% I got lost in the homework my father gave me. 00:04:12.530 --> 00:04:15.860 align:middle line:84% It helped to keep me from worrying. 00:04:15.860 --> 00:04:19.190 align:middle line:84% In the end, I made the following list. 00:04:19.190 --> 00:04:22.250 align:middle line:90% One, Georgetown. 00:04:22.250 --> 00:04:25.190 align:middle line:90% Two, University of Texas. 00:04:25.190 --> 00:04:27.740 align:middle line:90% Three, University of Chicago. 00:04:27.740 --> 00:04:30.200 align:middle line:90% Four, Stanford. 00:04:30.200 --> 00:04:32.510 align:middle line:90% Five, UCLA. 00:04:32.510 --> 00:04:35.060 align:middle line:90% Six, Brown. 00:04:35.060 --> 00:04:37.760 align:middle line:90% Seven, Washington University. 00:04:37.760 --> 00:04:41.060 align:middle line:90% Eight, UC Berkeley. 00:04:41.060 --> 00:04:43.910 align:middle line:90% Nine, Northwestern. 00:04:43.910 --> 00:04:46.790 align:middle line:90% 10, Harvard. 00:04:46.790 --> 00:04:48.750 align:middle line:90% I didn't want to go to Harvard. 00:04:48.750 --> 00:04:50.210 align:middle line:84% But if it hadn't been on the list, 00:04:50.210 --> 00:04:52.580 align:middle line:84% it would have made my father mad. 00:04:52.580 --> 00:04:57.290 align:middle line:84% So I made another list and put Harvard as number one. 00:04:57.290 --> 00:05:00.560 align:middle line:84% Even though in my world, it was number 10. 00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:03.470 align:middle line:84% I don't know what I had against Harvard. 00:05:03.470 --> 00:05:07.370 align:middle line:84% And anyway, it was just an assignment for my father. 00:05:07.370 --> 00:05:12.650 align:middle line:84% I doubted any of these schools would want to take me. 00:05:12.650 --> 00:05:15.830 align:middle line:84% My father came home from his business trip 00:05:15.830 --> 00:05:20.430 align:middle line:84% on the last day of school of my junior year. 00:05:20.430 --> 00:05:23.070 align:middle line:90% I was happy to see him. 00:05:23.070 --> 00:05:26.540 align:middle line:84% That was the first time my father ever hugged me. 00:05:26.540 --> 00:05:31.100 align:middle line:84% And it was the first time that he seemed really happy. 00:05:31.100 --> 00:05:34.850 align:middle line:84% "Everything's going to be just fine," he said. 00:05:34.850 --> 00:05:38.310 align:middle line:84% He was smiling and he looked so young to me. 00:05:38.310 --> 00:05:42.620 align:middle line:84% And I thought that maybe now he would quit the business. 00:05:42.620 --> 00:05:44.880 align:middle line:90% He had money now, real money. 00:05:44.880 --> 00:05:47.600 align:middle line:90% So maybe he would quit. 00:05:47.600 --> 00:05:50.030 align:middle line:90% But I was just fantasizing. 00:05:50.030 --> 00:05:54.770 align:middle line:84% Something inside me knew that this is what he knew. 00:05:54.770 --> 00:05:57.440 align:middle line:90% This is what he loved. 00:05:57.440 --> 00:06:02.120 align:middle line:84% I loved reading, and drawing, and music, and writing, 00:06:02.120 --> 00:06:03.650 align:middle line:90% and my father-- 00:06:03.650 --> 00:06:07.730 align:middle line:90% well, he loved his business. 00:06:07.730 --> 00:06:10.950 align:middle line:90% Everyone had to love something. 00:06:10.950 --> 00:06:13.130 align:middle line:84% "Maybe," he said, "we should think 00:06:13.130 --> 00:06:15.350 align:middle line:90% about getting you an apartment. 00:06:15.350 --> 00:06:17.363 align:middle line:84% You know, so you could live on your own. 00:06:17.363 --> 00:06:18.530 align:middle line:90% So you could get used to it. 00:06:18.530 --> 00:06:23.210 align:middle line:84% You know, like a practice run before you go away to college." 00:06:23.210 --> 00:06:26.990 align:middle line:84% "I don't need to practice," I said. 00:06:26.990 --> 00:06:28.850 align:middle line:90% "I hear that tone," he said. 00:06:28.850 --> 00:06:31.220 align:middle line:84% "You don't get mad much, but when you get mad, 00:06:31.220 --> 00:06:33.830 align:middle line:90% you really get pissed off." 00:06:33.830 --> 00:06:36.890 align:middle line:84% "I must get that from somewhere," I said. 00:06:36.890 --> 00:06:38.150 align:middle line:90% "Look, dad. 00:06:38.150 --> 00:06:40.400 align:middle line:90% I follow your rules. 00:06:40.400 --> 00:06:46.550 align:middle line:84% I follow every fucking rule, and now you're throwing me out?" 00:06:46.550 --> 00:06:48.200 align:middle line:90% "It's not like that. 00:06:48.200 --> 00:06:51.080 align:middle line:84% Look, there's a lot of shit that goes down here. 00:06:51.080 --> 00:06:54.200 align:middle line:84% I don't want you to be in the middle of it." 00:06:54.200 --> 00:06:58.160 align:middle line:90% "I am in the middle of it, dad." 00:06:58.160 --> 00:07:00.980 align:middle line:84% I sat down and put my face in my hands. 00:07:00.980 --> 00:07:03.530 align:middle line:84% I took a breath and then another. 00:07:03.530 --> 00:07:06.410 align:middle line:84% I walked into my room and took out my list. 00:07:06.410 --> 00:07:08.120 align:middle line:84% I walked back into the living room 00:07:08.120 --> 00:07:10.370 align:middle line:90% and handed my list to my father. 00:07:10.370 --> 00:07:12.080 align:middle line:90% "I did my homework." 00:07:12.080 --> 00:07:13.880 align:middle line:90% I handed him the list. 00:07:13.880 --> 00:07:16.010 align:middle line:84% "And how am I going to get the money 00:07:16.010 --> 00:07:18.980 align:middle line:84% to go to any of these schools, Dad?" 00:07:18.980 --> 00:07:21.020 align:middle line:90% "Don't worry about the money." 00:07:21.020 --> 00:07:26.790 align:middle line:84% "Like I said, Dad, I am in the middle of it. 00:07:26.790 --> 00:07:30.240 align:middle line:84% I'm in the middle of all of this. 00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:32.940 align:middle line:84% I'm all in the middle of all the shit that goes down 00:07:32.940 --> 00:07:37.050 align:middle line:84% in this house and I'm not moving, not unless you're 00:07:37.050 --> 00:07:39.690 align:middle line:90% fucking throwing me out." 00:07:39.690 --> 00:07:41.640 align:middle line:90% "Watch your mouth." 00:07:41.640 --> 00:07:44.310 align:middle line:90% "Is that another rule?" 00:07:44.310 --> 00:07:46.740 align:middle line:90% He was quiet. 00:07:46.740 --> 00:07:49.080 align:middle line:90% He bit the side of his mouth. 00:07:49.080 --> 00:07:52.110 align:middle line:84% He was in too good a mood to fight me. 00:07:52.110 --> 00:07:54.210 align:middle line:90% He studied my list. 00:07:54.210 --> 00:07:57.150 align:middle line:90% "Harvard," he whispered. 00:07:57.150 --> 00:07:58.530 align:middle line:90% "Get dressed. 00:07:58.530 --> 00:08:01.200 align:middle line:90% Let's go to a nice place." 00:08:01.200 --> 00:08:04.110 align:middle line:84% My father wanted to know my reasoning for picking 00:08:04.110 --> 00:08:07.350 align:middle line:90% the schools I put on my list. 00:08:07.350 --> 00:08:10.410 align:middle line:84% So I did all the talking at dinner. 00:08:10.410 --> 00:08:11.940 align:middle line:90% He asked, questions. 00:08:11.940 --> 00:08:14.250 align:middle line:90% I answered them. 00:08:14.250 --> 00:08:17.250 align:middle line:84% It was the longest conversation we've ever had. 00:08:17.250 --> 00:08:21.250 align:middle line:84% I guess it was because we didn't have to talk about ourselves. 00:08:21.250 --> 00:08:24.270 align:middle line:84% He was going to put some money into my education, 00:08:24.270 --> 00:08:28.350 align:middle line:84% and he wanted to know what he was getting himself into. 00:08:28.350 --> 00:08:31.410 align:middle line:90% He was an investor. 00:08:31.410 --> 00:08:34.559 align:middle line:84% It was more like a business transaction 00:08:34.559 --> 00:08:35.940 align:middle line:90% than a conversation. 00:08:35.940 --> 00:08:39.870 align:middle line:90% 00:08:39.870 --> 00:08:42.179 align:middle line:90% Harvard said no. 00:08:42.179 --> 00:08:44.760 align:middle line:90% My dad was pissed. 00:08:44.760 --> 00:08:47.250 align:middle line:90% "Fuck Harvard," he said. 00:08:47.250 --> 00:08:50.160 align:middle line:90% My sentiments, exactly. 00:08:50.160 --> 00:08:54.300 align:middle line:84% The day I got an acceptance letter from Georgetown, 00:08:54.300 --> 00:08:57.090 align:middle line:90% my father was out. 00:08:57.090 --> 00:08:59.460 align:middle line:84% His addictions were getting worse, 00:08:59.460 --> 00:09:01.750 align:middle line:84% and I couldn't talk to him about it. 00:09:01.750 --> 00:09:03.300 align:middle line:90% I told him I was worried. 00:09:03.300 --> 00:09:06.600 align:middle line:84% He said, "People who worry never change." 00:09:06.600 --> 00:09:10.560 align:middle line:84% I wanted to tell him that addicts never change either. 00:09:10.560 --> 00:09:12.600 align:middle line:90% But I said nothing. 00:09:12.600 --> 00:09:17.070 align:middle line:84% I left my father a note, "Got into Georgetown." 00:09:17.070 --> 00:09:20.010 align:middle line:84% I went out with my friends to celebrate. 00:09:20.010 --> 00:09:21.930 align:middle line:90% I had fun. 00:09:21.930 --> 00:09:24.220 align:middle line:90% I was happy. 00:09:24.220 --> 00:09:26.220 align:middle line:90% I was so happy. 00:09:26.220 --> 00:09:28.290 align:middle line:84% When I walked into the living room that night, 00:09:28.290 --> 00:09:31.860 align:middle line:90% the house was full of people. 00:09:31.860 --> 00:09:34.860 align:middle line:90% Some guy was snorting coke. 00:09:34.860 --> 00:09:39.600 align:middle line:84% My father must have been in the kitchen or in his room. 00:09:39.600 --> 00:09:42.750 align:middle line:90% I recognized some of his guests. 00:09:42.750 --> 00:09:47.310 align:middle line:84% I suppose some of them were more than just clients. 00:09:47.310 --> 00:09:49.830 align:middle line:90% Some guy came up to me. 00:09:49.830 --> 00:09:52.170 align:middle line:90% He smiled. 00:09:52.170 --> 00:09:56.280 align:middle line:84% He sort of scared me, but I relaxed. 00:09:56.280 --> 00:09:58.440 align:middle line:90% Hell, I was really drunk. 00:09:58.440 --> 00:10:01.950 align:middle line:90% The guy offered me a glass pipe. 00:10:01.950 --> 00:10:05.220 align:middle line:84% It was just a little straight glass tube. 00:10:05.220 --> 00:10:07.260 align:middle line:90% I'd seen them before. 00:10:07.260 --> 00:10:11.190 align:middle line:84% I knew what those little glass tubes were used for. 00:10:11.190 --> 00:10:13.780 align:middle line:90% "You ever smoke?" 00:10:13.780 --> 00:10:16.380 align:middle line:90% I shook my head. 00:10:16.380 --> 00:10:18.680 align:middle line:90% "Try it," he said. 00:10:18.680 --> 00:10:20.708 align:middle line:90% And I wanted to. 00:10:20.708 --> 00:10:23.300 align:middle line:90% I wanted to try it. 00:10:23.300 --> 00:10:26.670 align:middle line:84% I wanted to see what it was like, to know, 00:10:26.670 --> 00:10:31.250 align:middle line:84% to really know what it was all about. 00:10:31.250 --> 00:10:34.170 align:middle line:90% He handed me the pipe. 00:10:34.170 --> 00:10:36.120 align:middle line:90% I took it. 00:10:36.120 --> 00:10:41.160 align:middle line:84% He reached into his pocket and unfolded a piece of tin foil. 00:10:41.160 --> 00:10:45.630 align:middle line:84% He took out a little piece of white rock. 00:10:45.630 --> 00:10:49.650 align:middle line:84% "You're going to like this, kid," he said. 00:10:49.650 --> 00:10:52.290 align:middle line:84% And then I saw my father standing next to him. 00:10:52.290 --> 00:10:54.660 align:middle line:90% It all happened so fast. 00:10:54.660 --> 00:10:58.500 align:middle line:84% "Motherfucker," my father's face was grotesque and contorted. 00:10:58.500 --> 00:11:02.190 align:middle line:84% He was pounding the shit out of him, pounding and pounding. 00:11:02.190 --> 00:11:04.170 align:middle line:84% And when the guy was on the floor, 00:11:04.170 --> 00:11:07.140 align:middle line:84% my father was kicking and kicking him. 00:11:07.140 --> 00:11:09.240 align:middle line:84% And I thought for a moment that my father 00:11:09.240 --> 00:11:11.250 align:middle line:90% was going to kill him. 00:11:11.250 --> 00:11:13.800 align:middle line:84% Some of my father's friends were yelling for him to stop. 00:11:13.800 --> 00:11:17.760 align:middle line:84% But he wouldn't stop, couldn't stop, and finally some men 00:11:17.760 --> 00:11:20.910 align:middle line:90% had to pull him away. 00:11:20.910 --> 00:11:23.520 align:middle line:84% My father stared down at the man. 00:11:23.520 --> 00:11:26.190 align:middle line:90% Just stared down at him. 00:11:26.190 --> 00:11:30.040 align:middle line:84% Get that motherfucker out of here. 00:11:30.040 --> 00:11:34.840 align:middle line:84% The man that offered me the pipe was all bloody, 00:11:34.840 --> 00:11:38.560 align:middle line:90% but he was alive and moaning. 00:11:38.560 --> 00:11:42.110 align:middle line:84% A few guys dragged him out of the house. 00:11:42.110 --> 00:11:48.800 align:middle line:84% My father looked at me and said, "Give me that pipe." 00:11:48.800 --> 00:11:50.810 align:middle line:90% I handed it to him. 00:11:50.810 --> 00:11:56.960 align:middle line:84% "I'll kill you if you ever come near one of those pipes again. 00:11:56.960 --> 00:12:01.160 align:middle line:90% I will fucking kill you." 00:12:01.160 --> 00:12:01.850 align:middle line:90% I nodded. 00:12:01.850 --> 00:12:04.940 align:middle line:90% 00:12:04.940 --> 00:12:05.960 align:middle line:90% I was so ashamed. 00:12:05.960 --> 00:12:08.480 align:middle line:90% 00:12:08.480 --> 00:12:10.910 align:middle line:90% I walked into my room. 00:12:10.910 --> 00:12:13.690 align:middle line:84% I'd never felt so empty in all of my life. 00:12:13.690 --> 00:12:17.080 align:middle line:90% 00:12:17.080 --> 00:12:19.830 align:middle line:84% My father never mentioned what happened that night. 00:12:19.830 --> 00:12:23.460 align:middle line:84% I always wondered if he thought about it. 00:12:23.460 --> 00:12:24.960 align:middle line:90% I always thought about it. 00:12:24.960 --> 00:12:27.600 align:middle line:90% 00:12:27.600 --> 00:12:31.580 align:middle line:84% My father and I flew to Washington in July. 00:12:31.580 --> 00:12:34.100 align:middle line:84% It was hard for him to do without his drugs, 00:12:34.100 --> 00:12:38.120 align:middle line:84% so he drank a lot and I suppose that helped. 00:12:38.120 --> 00:12:41.840 align:middle line:90% We were there for a week. 00:12:41.840 --> 00:12:45.200 align:middle line:90% At night, he would disappear. 00:12:45.200 --> 00:12:48.380 align:middle line:84% I knew he'd found what he was looking for. 00:12:48.380 --> 00:12:53.960 align:middle line:84% During the day, we took in the sights, father and son. 00:12:53.960 --> 00:12:56.780 align:middle line:84% My father knew a man who died in Vietnam, 00:12:56.780 --> 00:13:00.290 align:middle line:84% and we looked for his name on the wall. 00:13:00.290 --> 00:13:02.240 align:middle line:90% And we found it. 00:13:02.240 --> 00:13:05.720 align:middle line:84% My father traced his finger on the letters that 00:13:05.720 --> 00:13:08.700 align:middle line:90% formed the name of his friend. 00:13:08.700 --> 00:13:13.010 align:middle line:84% He didn't tell me about the man, didn't say a word about him. 00:13:13.010 --> 00:13:16.400 align:middle line:84% My father seemed so normal that day. 00:13:16.400 --> 00:13:19.040 align:middle line:90% We found an apartment for me. 00:13:19.040 --> 00:13:22.100 align:middle line:84% I knew it was expensive, but my father 00:13:22.100 --> 00:13:26.690 align:middle line:84% sent me away when he made the arrangements. 00:13:26.690 --> 00:13:29.690 align:middle line:84% On the plane ride back to El Paso, I asked my father, 00:13:29.690 --> 00:13:33.290 align:middle line:84% "Are you sure you can afford that apartment, Dad?" 00:13:33.290 --> 00:13:35.870 align:middle line:84% "Remember that trip when my ship came in?" 00:13:35.870 --> 00:13:38.310 align:middle line:90% "Yes," I said. 00:13:38.310 --> 00:13:40.050 align:middle line:84% That's when the conversation ended. 00:13:40.050 --> 00:13:43.560 align:middle line:90% 00:13:43.560 --> 00:13:47.670 align:middle line:84% I was sitting in the backyard, pad in hand. 00:13:47.670 --> 00:13:49.830 align:middle line:84% I was making a list of the things 00:13:49.830 --> 00:13:54.690 align:middle line:84% I needed to take with me when I drove to Washington. 00:13:54.690 --> 00:13:56.940 align:middle line:90% Me and my lists. 00:13:56.940 --> 00:13:59.820 align:middle line:84% I was drinking a beer and I was trying 00:13:59.820 --> 00:14:03.570 align:middle line:84% to imagine what my life was going 00:14:03.570 --> 00:14:09.570 align:middle line:84% to be like as a student at Georgetown University. 00:14:09.570 --> 00:14:15.360 align:middle line:84% I wondered if I would miss my father, and it was odd. 00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:18.900 align:middle line:84% But the thought occurred to me that I 00:14:18.900 --> 00:14:21.660 align:middle line:90% had stopped missing my mother. 00:14:21.660 --> 00:14:25.390 align:middle line:84% It was as if she had never existed. 00:14:25.390 --> 00:14:28.620 align:middle line:84% And there was a blank piece in my heart 00:14:28.620 --> 00:14:31.620 align:middle line:84% that would live there permanently. 00:14:31.620 --> 00:14:33.510 align:middle line:90% Not a wound. 00:14:33.510 --> 00:14:35.220 align:middle line:90% Not a hurt. 00:14:35.220 --> 00:14:38.370 align:middle line:90% But a blank piece. 00:14:38.370 --> 00:14:40.800 align:middle line:84% My father stumbled into the backyard. 00:14:40.800 --> 00:14:45.180 align:middle line:84% He looked like shit, and I could tell he was coming down 00:14:45.180 --> 00:14:47.940 align:middle line:90% from his last high. 00:14:47.940 --> 00:14:52.230 align:middle line:84% He sat down on the lawn chair next to mine. 00:14:52.230 --> 00:14:55.050 align:middle line:84% He lit a cigarette, and his hands were shaking. 00:14:55.050 --> 00:14:57.420 align:middle line:90% "Can you bring me a beer?" 00:14:57.420 --> 00:15:01.050 align:middle line:84% I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a beer, 00:15:01.050 --> 00:15:06.720 align:middle line:84% walked back into the backyard, and handed it to him. 00:15:06.720 --> 00:15:11.210 align:middle line:90% "Dad, you have to stop." 00:15:11.210 --> 00:15:13.490 align:middle line:90% He just looked at me. 00:15:13.490 --> 00:15:16.820 align:middle line:84% "Who the fuck do you think you are?" 00:15:16.820 --> 00:15:19.940 align:middle line:90% "You have to stop, Dad." 00:15:19.940 --> 00:15:22.620 align:middle line:90% I was standing above him. 00:15:22.620 --> 00:15:25.280 align:middle line:90% He took a drink from his beer. 00:15:25.280 --> 00:15:29.030 align:middle line:84% He got up, looked straight into my eyes. 00:15:29.030 --> 00:15:30.890 align:middle line:90% "Say it again. 00:15:30.890 --> 00:15:31.610 align:middle line:90% Go on. 00:15:31.610 --> 00:15:33.350 align:middle line:90% Say it again." 00:15:33.350 --> 00:15:35.390 align:middle line:90% I looked right back at him. 00:15:35.390 --> 00:15:38.750 align:middle line:90% I never took my eyes off of him. 00:15:38.750 --> 00:15:41.090 align:middle line:90% "You have to stop." 00:15:41.090 --> 00:15:44.870 align:middle line:84% And then I felt his fist on my jaw. 00:15:44.870 --> 00:15:47.930 align:middle line:90% And I fell back on the ground. 00:15:47.930 --> 00:15:51.740 align:middle line:84% I took a breath and closed my eyes. 00:15:51.740 --> 00:15:57.230 align:middle line:84% I just lay there for a while feeling the pain in my jaw. 00:15:57.230 --> 00:15:59.330 align:middle line:90% My lip was bleeding. 00:15:59.330 --> 00:16:02.600 align:middle line:90% My father looked down at me. 00:16:02.600 --> 00:16:04.900 align:middle line:90% "Get up," he said. 00:16:04.900 --> 00:16:07.795 align:middle line:84% I got up slowly then I heard his voice. 00:16:07.795 --> 00:16:14.490 align:middle line:84% "You haven't earned the right to tell your father what to do." 00:16:14.490 --> 00:16:16.500 align:middle line:90% I nodded. 00:16:16.500 --> 00:16:20.050 align:middle line:90% I wanted to hide my tears. 00:16:20.050 --> 00:16:22.500 align:middle line:90% But I wasn't strong enough. 00:16:22.500 --> 00:16:26.300 align:middle line:90% I sat there and cried. 00:16:26.300 --> 00:16:28.560 align:middle line:90% Tears falling from my face. 00:16:28.560 --> 00:16:33.840 align:middle line:84% I wanted to help, but I kept the hell inside me. 00:16:33.840 --> 00:16:37.310 align:middle line:84% I don't know how long I sat there. 00:16:37.310 --> 00:16:39.830 align:middle line:90% I heard my father's voice. 00:16:39.830 --> 00:16:44.100 align:middle line:84% "Here," he said as he handed me a beer. 00:16:44.100 --> 00:16:45.530 align:middle line:90% "Have a beer with your old man." 00:16:45.530 --> 00:16:48.990 align:middle line:90% 00:16:48.990 --> 00:16:52.680 align:middle line:84% After a week, there wasn't much of a sign of my father's 00:16:52.680 --> 00:16:56.190 align:middle line:90% fist on my jaw, or my lip. 00:16:56.190 --> 00:17:01.770 align:middle line:84% I would not wear the scar of that afternoon on my face. 00:17:01.770 --> 00:17:03.570 align:middle line:84% That's not where I would keep it. 00:17:03.570 --> 00:17:06.119 align:middle line:90% 00:17:06.119 --> 00:17:09.690 align:middle line:84% The day before I left for Georgetown, 00:17:09.690 --> 00:17:12.960 align:middle line:90% my father bought me a new car. 00:17:12.960 --> 00:17:15.060 align:middle line:90% It was practical. 00:17:15.060 --> 00:17:16.530 align:middle line:90% A Prius. 00:17:16.530 --> 00:17:19.740 align:middle line:84% Not my father's style, but the kind of car 00:17:19.740 --> 00:17:22.829 align:middle line:90% he imagined his son should have. 00:17:22.829 --> 00:17:25.500 align:middle line:90% I thanked him. 00:17:25.500 --> 00:17:28.079 align:middle line:90% I think we even hugged. 00:17:28.079 --> 00:17:29.130 align:middle line:90% Yeah. 00:17:29.130 --> 00:17:31.350 align:middle line:90% Yes, I hugged him. 00:17:31.350 --> 00:17:33.990 align:middle line:90% And he hugged me back. 00:17:33.990 --> 00:17:37.620 align:middle line:90% He was on something, I knew. 00:17:37.620 --> 00:17:41.580 align:middle line:84% By then he was almost always on something. 00:17:41.580 --> 00:17:44.350 align:middle line:84% We went to dinner and he was shaking. 00:17:44.350 --> 00:17:48.970 align:middle line:84% He ordered a nice bottle of red wine, and we drank together. 00:17:48.970 --> 00:17:51.705 align:middle line:84% And I wanted to cry, but I didn't. 00:17:51.705 --> 00:17:55.440 align:middle line:84% I Don't remember what we talked about but my father wasn't 00:17:55.440 --> 00:17:59.340 align:middle line:84% in any hurry that night to get anyone. 00:17:59.340 --> 00:18:03.390 align:middle line:84% He wanted to be with me that last night. 00:18:03.390 --> 00:18:06.180 align:middle line:90% And I wanted to be with him. 00:18:06.180 --> 00:18:09.450 align:middle line:84% After dinner, he looked at me, smiled and said, 00:18:09.450 --> 00:18:12.330 align:middle line:90% "Let's go get our passports. 00:18:12.330 --> 00:18:14.580 align:middle line:90% I didn't know what he meant. 00:18:14.580 --> 00:18:17.730 align:middle line:84% Let's go have a drink at the Kentucky Club." 00:18:17.730 --> 00:18:19.020 align:middle line:90% "In Juarez?" 00:18:19.020 --> 00:18:19.950 align:middle line:90% "Yeah." 00:18:19.950 --> 00:18:24.720 align:middle line:84% "But you said--" "It's where you were raised. 00:18:24.720 --> 00:18:27.990 align:middle line:84% Don't you want to have a drink with your old man 00:18:27.990 --> 00:18:30.810 align:middle line:90% where it all started?" 00:18:30.810 --> 00:18:33.540 align:middle line:84% "Where it all started, it's where 00:18:33.540 --> 00:18:36.330 align:middle line:90% your mother and I used to go." 00:18:36.330 --> 00:18:38.700 align:middle line:90% He smiled. 00:18:38.700 --> 00:18:41.010 align:middle line:90% I'll always remember that smile. 00:18:41.010 --> 00:18:43.710 align:middle line:90% 00:18:43.710 --> 00:18:46.680 align:middle line:84% The only thing I remember about having a drink with my father 00:18:46.680 --> 00:18:50.790 align:middle line:84% at the Kentucky Club was my father telling me 00:18:50.790 --> 00:18:53.850 align:middle line:90% that he loved my mother. 00:18:53.850 --> 00:18:56.070 align:middle line:90% "I loved her." 00:18:56.070 --> 00:18:58.350 align:middle line:90% And then I knew. 00:18:58.350 --> 00:19:00.690 align:middle line:90% She was the one. 00:19:00.690 --> 00:19:04.750 align:middle line:90% She hadn't loved him back. 00:19:04.750 --> 00:19:10.870 align:middle line:84% The morning I left the house where I became a man, 00:19:10.870 --> 00:19:14.720 align:middle line:84% my father helped me put my things in the car. 00:19:14.720 --> 00:19:17.050 align:middle line:90% I didn't have much. 00:19:17.050 --> 00:19:22.090 align:middle line:84% My father was wordless, and I was, too. 00:19:22.090 --> 00:19:23.020 align:middle line:90% "Bye, Dad." 00:19:23.020 --> 00:19:25.390 align:middle line:90% I said. 00:19:25.390 --> 00:19:30.110 align:middle line:90% "Bye, son," he said. 00:19:30.110 --> 00:19:32.910 align:middle line:90% He looked sad. 00:19:32.910 --> 00:19:35.715 align:middle line:84% He just stood there as I drove away. 00:19:35.715 --> 00:19:39.410 align:middle line:90% 00:19:39.410 --> 00:19:44.630 align:middle line:84% I'm sitting here in my Georgetown apartment 00:19:44.630 --> 00:19:48.590 align:middle line:90% and I'm thinking about my dad. 00:19:48.590 --> 00:19:54.110 align:middle line:84% I'm packing a few things and I'm going back home. 00:19:54.110 --> 00:19:56.630 align:middle line:90% He's on a respirator. 00:19:56.630 --> 00:19:59.060 align:middle line:90% He overdosed. 00:19:59.060 --> 00:20:04.160 align:middle line:90% Heroin, meth, I don't know. 00:20:04.160 --> 00:20:10.470 align:middle line:84% It all seems so predictable, so inevitable. 00:20:10.470 --> 00:20:12.590 align:middle line:90% His attorney called me. 00:20:12.590 --> 00:20:17.810 align:middle line:84% "You need to come home and see to your dad," he said. 00:20:17.810 --> 00:20:22.790 align:middle line:84% I'm going back to take him off the respirator. 00:20:22.790 --> 00:20:25.100 align:middle line:84% I know that's what he would want-- 00:20:25.100 --> 00:20:27.590 align:middle line:90% what he would have wanted. 00:20:27.590 --> 00:20:33.920 align:middle line:84% I can give him something, something that matters. 00:20:33.920 --> 00:20:37.580 align:middle line:84% I just finished reading the journal I kept when 00:20:37.580 --> 00:20:41.030 align:middle line:90% I lived with him, my father. 00:20:41.030 --> 00:20:46.010 align:middle line:84% Every rule he ever made me follow is in my journal. 00:20:46.010 --> 00:20:48.800 align:middle line:90% I can almost hear his voice. 00:20:48.800 --> 00:20:53.120 align:middle line:84% I'm holding the rosary he gave me for my first communion, 00:20:53.120 --> 00:20:56.000 align:middle line:84% the one that belonged to his father. 00:20:56.000 --> 00:21:00.710 align:middle line:84% I'm staring at the picture of us in front of the cathedral taken 00:21:00.710 --> 00:21:03.320 align:middle line:90% at my first communion. 00:21:03.320 --> 00:21:08.480 align:middle line:84% I always told myself I didn't know my father. 00:21:08.480 --> 00:21:12.530 align:middle line:84% I sometimes told myself that I hated him. 00:21:12.530 --> 00:21:17.440 align:middle line:84% I always told myself that he didn't know me. 00:21:17.440 --> 00:21:20.270 align:middle line:90% But that wasn't true. 00:21:20.270 --> 00:21:23.300 align:middle line:90% It wasn't true at all. 00:21:23.300 --> 00:21:25.720 align:middle line:90% I knew him. 00:21:25.720 --> 00:21:28.030 align:middle line:90% I really knew him. 00:21:28.030 --> 00:21:31.870 align:middle line:84% My girlfriend, Emma, she asked me what kind of man 00:21:31.870 --> 00:21:33.670 align:middle line:90% my father was. 00:21:33.670 --> 00:21:35.230 align:middle line:90% "Who was he, Max?" 00:21:35.230 --> 00:21:36.550 align:middle line:90% she asked. 00:21:36.550 --> 00:21:39.010 align:middle line:90% "You never talk about him." 00:21:39.010 --> 00:21:41.500 align:middle line:90% "No, I never do." 00:21:41.500 --> 00:21:45.570 align:middle line:84% She wiped the tears from my face. 00:21:45.570 --> 00:21:49.710 align:middle line:84% "He punched me out once, my dad," I said. 00:21:49.710 --> 00:21:52.260 align:middle line:90% And then I laughed. 00:21:52.260 --> 00:21:56.370 align:middle line:84% "My father," I whispered, his name 00:21:56.370 --> 00:22:02.580 align:middle line:84% was Eddie, not Edward, but Eddie. 00:22:02.580 --> 00:22:07.680 align:middle line:84% He was the man who saved my life. 00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:09.390 align:middle line:90% That's who he was. 00:22:09.390 --> 00:22:12.090 align:middle line:90% 00:22:12.090 --> 00:22:15.140 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE]