WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.320 align:middle line:90% 00:00:01.320 --> 00:00:04.530 align:middle line:84% Listen, Ramone says, your mom has a plan. 00:00:04.530 --> 00:00:05.760 align:middle line:90% For what? 00:00:05.760 --> 00:00:08.189 align:middle line:90% To rescue your job, you idiot." 00:00:08.189 --> 00:00:10.560 align:middle line:84% Telling my mother about my professional fiascos 00:00:10.560 --> 00:00:13.715 align:middle line:84% is precisely the sort of thing you could expect from Ramone. 00:00:13.715 --> 00:00:15.840 align:middle line:84% I smack him upside the head with a flat of my palm. 00:00:15.840 --> 00:00:18.210 align:middle line:90% Aww, he says, OK, aww. 00:00:18.210 --> 00:00:19.320 align:middle line:90% You're a lousy gay lover. 00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:21.060 align:middle line:90% You know what I tell him? 00:00:21.060 --> 00:00:23.910 align:middle line:84% I do it because I care if he lives rubbing his temple. 00:00:23.910 --> 00:00:26.550 align:middle line:84% His suit jacket is dusted with flakes of dandruff. 00:00:26.550 --> 00:00:28.432 align:middle line:84% He's just a customer service rep like me, 00:00:28.432 --> 00:00:29.640 align:middle line:90% there's no need for the suit. 00:00:29.640 --> 00:00:31.770 align:middle line:90% But that's Ramone for you. 00:00:31.770 --> 00:00:34.620 align:middle line:84% My mom says we should hack into the mainframe ourselves. 00:00:34.620 --> 00:00:37.230 align:middle line:84% Sorry, your mom says we should hack into the mainframe 00:00:37.230 --> 00:00:39.690 align:middle line:84% ourselves, erase your email trail. 00:00:39.690 --> 00:00:41.220 align:middle line:84% This was my mother's idea, I say, 00:00:41.220 --> 00:00:43.380 align:middle line:90% to hack into the mainframe? 00:00:43.380 --> 00:00:45.000 align:middle line:84% Ramone opens the fridge, releasing 00:00:45.000 --> 00:00:47.180 align:middle line:84% the garbage-y smell of leftovers from the lunch 00:00:47.180 --> 00:00:48.480 align:middle line:90% into the break room. 00:00:48.480 --> 00:00:51.820 align:middle line:84% Well, she's willing to finance the operation, he says. 00:00:51.820 --> 00:00:54.930 align:middle line:84% I need you to quit hanging out with my mom, I say. 00:00:54.930 --> 00:00:57.510 align:middle line:84% We had a relationship that exists independently of you, 00:00:57.510 --> 00:00:59.438 align:middle line:90% he tells me. 00:00:59.438 --> 00:01:01.980 align:middle line:84% Louise comes into the break room wearing that blouse I bought 00:01:01.980 --> 00:01:03.897 align:middle line:84% her for Hanukkah last year, the one that makes 00:01:03.897 --> 00:01:05.370 align:middle line:90% her tits look so fabulous. 00:01:05.370 --> 00:01:08.460 align:middle line:84% She sees me in my stained khakis and sleep-deprived face. 00:01:08.460 --> 00:01:11.350 align:middle line:84% Your fly's down dickwad, she says. 00:01:11.350 --> 00:01:13.303 align:middle line:84% Hey Louise, Ramone says, meet me at the top 00:01:13.303 --> 00:01:14.220 align:middle line:90% of the roof for lunch. 00:01:14.220 --> 00:01:17.040 align:middle line:84% We've got a plan for saving your job. 00:01:17.040 --> 00:01:20.490 align:middle line:84% Louise fixes Ramone with one of her testicle-withering stares. 00:01:20.490 --> 00:01:23.100 align:middle line:84% Who does she whispers, you and dickwad here? 00:01:23.100 --> 00:01:25.100 align:middle line:84% I hold my hands palm forward in innocence. 00:01:25.100 --> 00:01:27.390 align:middle line:84% It has nothing to do with me, I say. 00:01:27.390 --> 00:01:31.530 align:middle line:84% God forbid you have a plan, Louise says. 00:01:31.530 --> 00:01:33.720 align:middle line:84% Louise doesn't let me help her with Janie. 00:01:33.720 --> 00:01:35.370 align:middle line:84% She's a single mom, working full time 00:01:35.370 --> 00:01:37.008 align:middle line:90% with a kid in a wheelchair. 00:01:37.008 --> 00:01:38.550 align:middle line:84% We've been living together for a year 00:01:38.550 --> 00:01:40.410 align:middle line:84% and I've never picked up Janie, not even 00:01:40.410 --> 00:01:42.300 align:middle line:90% to help her out of her chair. 00:01:42.300 --> 00:01:43.800 align:middle line:84% Louise won't even let me sweep up 00:01:43.800 --> 00:01:46.320 align:middle line:84% the Cheerios Janie knocks over with that hand of hers, 00:01:46.320 --> 00:01:50.580 align:middle line:84% shrunken and twisted as it is, her soft fleshy claw. 00:01:50.580 --> 00:01:53.010 align:middle line:84% Underneath all the piteous frustration about her body, 00:01:53.010 --> 00:01:55.740 align:middle line:84% Janie is a kid with a good heart and a sweet smile. 00:01:55.740 --> 00:01:58.380 align:middle line:84% I don't know how Louise manages not to be crying all the time. 00:01:58.380 --> 00:02:00.910 align:middle line:90% 00:02:00.910 --> 00:02:03.630 align:middle line:84% Incoming extra office email from her Highness, 00:02:03.630 --> 00:02:06.510 align:middle line:84% Mrs. Wife of his Highness, Magote. 00:02:06.510 --> 00:02:07.710 align:middle line:90% You are very stupid. 00:02:07.710 --> 00:02:09.750 align:middle line:84% This is not a scam but a payback. 00:02:09.750 --> 00:02:12.150 align:middle line:84% Are you cognizant about what the white man came to do 00:02:12.150 --> 00:02:13.350 align:middle line:90% to my grandfather's? 00:02:13.350 --> 00:02:16.410 align:middle line:84% You do not know what they stole from Nigerian kingdom. 00:02:16.410 --> 00:02:20.280 align:middle line:90% This is justice time. 00:02:20.280 --> 00:02:23.220 align:middle line:84% The external auditor is skinny with bad teeth and glasses 00:02:23.220 --> 00:02:24.450 align:middle line:90% all around for his face. 00:02:24.450 --> 00:02:27.240 align:middle line:84% He asks me questions and I answer them with lies. 00:02:27.240 --> 00:02:29.670 align:middle line:84% No, I have never used my corporate email account 00:02:29.670 --> 00:02:32.670 align:middle line:84% to send personal messages, except for sometimes I 00:02:32.670 --> 00:02:35.250 align:middle line:84% say for verisimilitude to my mother. 00:02:35.250 --> 00:02:36.750 align:middle line:84% I'm sure I can tell her the guy that 00:02:36.750 --> 00:02:38.667 align:middle line:84% might tell the guy that mom doesn't understand 00:02:38.667 --> 00:02:40.650 align:middle line:90% professional boundaries. 00:02:40.650 --> 00:02:42.322 align:middle line:84% On my way back to the cubicle, Ramone 00:02:42.322 --> 00:02:43.530 align:middle line:90% pulls me into the men's room. 00:02:43.530 --> 00:02:45.272 align:middle line:90% So he says, how did it go? 00:02:45.272 --> 00:02:46.230 align:middle line:90% I'm golden, I tell him. 00:02:46.230 --> 00:02:48.600 align:middle line:84% We bonded over impossible mothers. 00:02:48.600 --> 00:02:51.280 align:middle line:84% To be cocky, those guys are fucking animals, believe me. 00:02:51.280 --> 00:02:54.480 align:middle line:84% And speaking of mothers, dinners at mom's tonight, 7 o'clock. 00:02:54.480 --> 00:02:55.920 align:middle line:90% Whose mom, I say. 00:02:55.920 --> 00:02:56.640 align:middle line:90% Yours, idiot. 00:02:56.640 --> 00:02:57.690 align:middle line:90% Mine is dead, remember? 00:02:57.690 --> 00:03:00.090 align:middle line:90% Who's the lousy boyfriend now? 00:03:00.090 --> 00:03:02.340 align:middle line:84% At the front door of her house that evening, my mother 00:03:02.340 --> 00:03:04.740 align:middle line:84% throws her arms around Ramone's neck. 00:03:04.740 --> 00:03:06.660 align:middle line:90% My dear, she cries. 00:03:06.660 --> 00:03:09.870 align:middle line:84% Over his shoulder, she shows me a steely eyeball. 00:03:09.870 --> 00:03:10.890 align:middle line:90% We sit at the table. 00:03:10.890 --> 00:03:14.580 align:middle line:84% She's prepared a supper of Kalamata olives, dried figs, 00:03:14.580 --> 00:03:19.380 align:middle line:84% and peanut butter on crackers, and champagne. 00:03:19.380 --> 00:03:21.750 align:middle line:84% I know a guy, she screeches, so my father can hear. 00:03:21.750 --> 00:03:23.190 align:middle line:90% He knows all about computers. 00:03:23.190 --> 00:03:25.482 align:middle line:84% He'll break into your office and wipe out the evidence. 00:03:25.482 --> 00:03:28.080 align:middle line:90% I asked him and he said, Yes. 00:03:28.080 --> 00:03:30.870 align:middle line:84% The peanut butter is the all natural kind, ineptly stirred, 00:03:30.870 --> 00:03:33.550 align:middle line:84% his thin and oily and dripping off the cracker. 00:03:33.550 --> 00:03:35.730 align:middle line:90% It's not that easy, mom, I say. 00:03:35.730 --> 00:03:37.890 align:middle line:84% Your mother is afraid for the little crippled girl. 00:03:37.890 --> 00:03:39.870 align:middle line:90% My father yells, damn shame. 00:03:39.870 --> 00:03:42.870 align:middle line:84% Corporate health care is a crock a shit. 00:03:42.870 --> 00:03:46.200 align:middle line:84% Disabled dad, she has a disability, I articulate. 00:03:46.200 --> 00:03:48.540 align:middle line:84% Also you could unmute yourself, my mother says. 00:03:48.540 --> 00:03:49.830 align:middle line:90% Nigerians dear. 00:03:49.830 --> 00:03:50.970 align:middle line:90% Why Nigerians? 00:03:50.970 --> 00:03:52.710 align:middle line:90% Could you not accomplish this? 00:03:52.710 --> 00:03:54.360 align:middle line:90% She looks helplessly at Ramone. 00:03:54.360 --> 00:03:56.850 align:middle line:90% Scam baiting, he replies. 00:03:56.850 --> 00:03:59.280 align:middle line:84% Could you not accomplish this on your own time, she says. 00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:01.363 align:middle line:84% Instead, you indulge your hobby at work. 00:04:01.363 --> 00:04:03.780 align:middle line:84% Did you not realize you're playing with that little girl's 00:04:03.780 --> 00:04:05.370 align:middle line:90% life? 00:04:05.370 --> 00:04:07.710 align:middle line:84% Ramone picks gamely at his olives and fix. 00:04:07.710 --> 00:04:09.890 align:middle line:84% Go easy under my ring, he mutters. 00:04:09.890 --> 00:04:11.640 align:middle line:84% Interesting that you care so much, mother, 00:04:11.640 --> 00:04:14.815 align:middle line:84% I say, given your feelings about Louise. 00:04:14.815 --> 00:04:16.440 align:middle line:84% My mother flaps her hands at dismissal. 00:04:16.440 --> 00:04:17.579 align:middle line:84% I don't give a shit about that woman. 00:04:17.579 --> 00:04:18.329 align:middle line:90% Are we clear? 00:04:18.329 --> 00:04:20.042 align:middle line:84% But the little girl, the little girl 00:04:20.042 --> 00:04:22.500 align:middle line:84% in a wheelchair with no health insurance, it's a nightmare. 00:04:22.500 --> 00:04:24.660 align:middle line:90% I feel responsible. 00:04:24.660 --> 00:04:27.310 align:middle line:84% Louise's computer was confiscated today, I say. 00:04:27.310 --> 00:04:27.810 align:middle line:90% What? 00:04:27.810 --> 00:04:28.710 align:middle line:90% My father yells. 00:04:28.710 --> 00:04:30.630 align:middle line:84% It's too late, dad, I shout back. 00:04:30.630 --> 00:04:32.220 align:middle line:90% The auditors took her computer. 00:04:32.220 --> 00:04:34.470 align:middle line:84% They'll analyze the keystrokes or whatever they do, 00:04:34.470 --> 00:04:36.810 align:middle line:84% they'll find a record of the emails to Nigeria. 00:04:36.810 --> 00:04:37.800 align:middle line:90% Were too late, dad. 00:04:37.800 --> 00:04:39.570 align:middle line:90% We're too late. 00:04:39.570 --> 00:04:42.300 align:middle line:84% As I speak, my father's eyes are bouncing frantically 00:04:42.300 --> 00:04:43.680 align:middle line:90% between Ramone and me. 00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:44.670 align:middle line:90% You're not gay? 00:04:44.670 --> 00:04:45.720 align:middle line:90% He says. 00:04:45.720 --> 00:04:47.070 align:middle line:90% He looks at my mother in alarm. 00:04:47.070 --> 00:04:48.570 align:middle line:84% Isn't that what he just said, dear? 00:04:48.570 --> 00:04:50.490 align:middle line:90% The boy is not gay. 00:04:50.490 --> 00:04:51.570 align:middle line:90% He said, we're too late. 00:04:51.570 --> 00:04:53.550 align:middle line:84% My mother cries, leaping from her seat. 00:04:53.550 --> 00:04:54.750 align:middle line:90% We're too late. 00:04:54.750 --> 00:04:57.420 align:middle line:84% She's scampers to his chair and stands behind him, 00:04:57.420 --> 00:05:00.090 align:middle line:84% clapping his shoulders in a dramatic little embrace. 00:05:00.090 --> 00:05:02.880 align:middle line:84% And for the record, people, I say, I'm not gay. 00:05:02.880 --> 00:05:04.800 align:middle line:84% My mother releases my father's shoulders. 00:05:04.800 --> 00:05:07.063 align:middle line:90% Ramone, is this true? 00:05:07.063 --> 00:05:08.730 align:middle line:84% Ramone reaches for the back of her neck, 00:05:08.730 --> 00:05:09.960 align:middle line:90% holds it affectionately. 00:05:09.960 --> 00:05:11.460 align:middle line:84% He's in love with Louise, sweetie. 00:05:11.460 --> 00:05:13.120 align:middle line:90% He admits, not me. 00:05:13.120 --> 00:05:13.620 align:middle line:90% What? 00:05:13.620 --> 00:05:15.840 align:middle line:84% My father said, what the hell did he just say? 00:05:15.840 --> 00:05:18.840 align:middle line:84% He's not gay, my mother enunciates, bending to his ear. 00:05:18.840 --> 00:05:21.690 align:middle line:84% The awful woman is the girlfriend. 00:05:21.690 --> 00:05:22.740 align:middle line:90% And the handicapped girl? 00:05:22.740 --> 00:05:24.240 align:middle line:90% My father asks. 00:05:24.240 --> 00:05:27.390 align:middle line:84% And here goes the horror of Ramone's genius idiot preying, 00:05:27.390 --> 00:05:31.050 align:middle line:90% your grandchild, he tells them. 00:05:31.050 --> 00:05:32.790 align:middle line:90% A fair trade, a lie for a lie. 00:05:32.790 --> 00:05:36.300 align:middle line:84% Ramone is the best friend I ever had. 00:05:36.300 --> 00:05:39.060 align:middle line:84% Incoming extra office email from Her Highness Mrs. 00:05:39.060 --> 00:05:41.760 align:middle line:90% Wife of His Highness Magote. 00:05:41.760 --> 00:05:43.740 align:middle line:84% Africa is the birthplace of humanity. 00:05:43.740 --> 00:05:45.120 align:middle line:90% You are idiot, American. 00:05:45.120 --> 00:05:47.970 align:middle line:84% Return all the things you steal from our ancestors. 00:05:47.970 --> 00:05:49.650 align:middle line:84% We will hit you, guys, until you stop 00:05:49.650 --> 00:05:54.160 align:middle line:84% making child slavery and weapons of mass destruction. 00:05:54.160 --> 00:05:55.810 align:middle line:84% But the security breach turned out 00:05:55.810 --> 00:05:58.480 align:middle line:84% to have originated from a couple of teenage identity thieves 00:05:58.480 --> 00:06:00.773 align:middle line:90% in Portland, Idaho. 00:06:00.773 --> 00:06:02.440 align:middle line:84% And when the company wide email arrives, 00:06:02.440 --> 00:06:04.930 align:middle line:84% announcing the discovery, I stand up in my cubicle 00:06:04.930 --> 00:06:07.090 align:middle line:84% and wait with a hopeful grin for Louise's head 00:06:07.090 --> 00:06:09.010 align:middle line:90% to appear above her partition. 00:06:09.010 --> 00:06:12.730 align:middle line:84% I fucked it up so badly, she has no reason to forgive me. 00:06:12.730 --> 00:06:15.490 align:middle line:84% On her face isn't oceanic event of happiness, 00:06:15.490 --> 00:06:18.940 align:middle line:84% an underground earthquake of relief, a maternal tide. 00:06:18.940 --> 00:06:21.130 align:middle line:84% Someday, we'll end up on our beach, Louise and me, 00:06:21.130 --> 00:06:23.290 align:middle line:84% ancient versions of ourselves, tottering 00:06:23.290 --> 00:06:24.400 align:middle line:90% through the loose sand. 00:06:24.400 --> 00:06:27.070 align:middle line:84% She's thinking it's her arm around me, keeping her upright 00:06:27.070 --> 00:06:29.530 align:middle line:84% and me thinking it's mine around her. 00:06:29.530 --> 00:06:31.720 align:middle line:84% We will have lived a long life of tribulation, 00:06:31.720 --> 00:06:34.540 align:middle line:84% and pain, and humor, and unremarkable joy. 00:06:34.540 --> 00:06:37.900 align:middle line:84% The Nigerian princes will have become grandparent Lore. 00:06:37.900 --> 00:06:40.390 align:middle line:84% I can nearly feel her bones to the linen tunic 00:06:40.390 --> 00:06:42.970 align:middle line:84% she'll be wearing through her thin elderly skin 00:06:42.970 --> 00:06:44.770 align:middle line:90% through the tuneless muscles. 00:06:44.770 --> 00:06:46.420 align:middle line:84% In all my long life, I will never 00:06:46.420 --> 00:06:50.230 align:middle line:84% have desired a woman like I do this one. 00:06:50.230 --> 00:06:52.960 align:middle line:84% Later, the security team calls Louise into her office, 00:06:52.960 --> 00:06:55.390 align:middle line:84% into their office to inform her that in the course 00:06:55.390 --> 00:06:57.640 align:middle line:84% of their investigation, they found the Nigerian Prince 00:06:57.640 --> 00:06:58.540 align:middle line:90% emails. 00:06:58.540 --> 00:07:01.600 align:middle line:84% They give her two weeks severance pay. 00:07:01.600 --> 00:07:04.180 align:middle line:90% In my arms that night, she sobs. 00:07:04.180 --> 00:07:05.080 align:middle line:90% She feels foolish. 00:07:05.080 --> 00:07:07.028 align:middle line:84% It was her fault as much as mine, she says. 00:07:07.028 --> 00:07:09.070 align:middle line:84% She's a mother, she's supposed to be responsible. 00:07:09.070 --> 00:07:11.680 align:middle line:84% She cannot play loose with her crappy job. 00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:13.480 align:middle line:84% The weight of Janie's condition threatens 00:07:13.480 --> 00:07:16.420 align:middle line:84% to crack the bed frame, to pull us mattress and all 00:07:16.420 --> 00:07:18.550 align:middle line:84% through the floor to the apartment below. 00:07:18.550 --> 00:07:20.170 align:middle line:90% We're heavy as what I'm saying. 00:07:20.170 --> 00:07:23.500 align:middle line:84% A dump truck of river rock, a 1,000 iron safes. 00:07:23.500 --> 00:07:24.730 align:middle line:90% But she's taken me back. 00:07:24.730 --> 00:07:27.850 align:middle line:84% She's forgiven me, and I will never ever fuck up again. 00:07:27.850 --> 00:07:29.680 align:middle line:84% I pull her on top of me to take her weight, 00:07:29.680 --> 00:07:32.860 align:middle line:90% to cushion her landing. 00:07:32.860 --> 00:07:36.100 align:middle line:84% In the morning, the UPS guy delivers a state-of-the-art 00:07:36.100 --> 00:07:39.430 align:middle line:84% pediatric wheelchair, with a pink and purple frame, 00:07:39.430 --> 00:07:42.560 align:middle line:84% and sparkly ribbons woven between the spokes. 00:07:42.560 --> 00:07:44.560 align:middle line:84% I come out of the shower to find Louise frowning 00:07:44.560 --> 00:07:46.435 align:middle line:84% over the thing, which is parked in the living 00:07:46.435 --> 00:07:48.190 align:middle line:90% room like a Christmas bicycle. 00:07:48.190 --> 00:07:50.020 align:middle line:90% Janie is wild eyed and clapping. 00:07:50.020 --> 00:07:51.280 align:middle line:90% What the fuck is going on? 00:07:51.280 --> 00:07:52.240 align:middle line:90% Louise asks me. 00:07:52.240 --> 00:07:53.440 align:middle line:90% She waves the packing slip. 00:07:53.440 --> 00:07:54.940 align:middle line:90% Your mother did this? 00:07:54.940 --> 00:07:57.340 align:middle line:90% It's Ramone's fault, I say. 00:07:57.340 --> 00:07:59.680 align:middle line:84% That bitch, these things cost five grand. 00:07:59.680 --> 00:08:01.810 align:middle line:84% She stabs at the keypad on her cell phone. 00:08:01.810 --> 00:08:03.490 align:middle line:84% Ramone, she says, when he picks up. 00:08:03.490 --> 00:08:05.410 align:middle line:90% What have you done? 00:08:05.410 --> 00:08:07.930 align:middle line:84% Louise goes silent, eyes wide and tearing 00:08:07.930 --> 00:08:09.348 align:middle line:90% as she locks my gaze. 00:08:09.348 --> 00:08:11.140 align:middle line:84% And I know he's telling her about the trust 00:08:11.140 --> 00:08:13.060 align:middle line:84% fund my parents started for Janie, 00:08:13.060 --> 00:08:16.210 align:middle line:84% and the health insurance policy they spent a fortune on. 00:08:16.210 --> 00:08:18.880 align:middle line:84% And he's delivering the news in a way I couldn't, just 00:08:18.880 --> 00:08:20.490 align:middle line:90% exactly the right language. 00:08:20.490 --> 00:08:22.060 align:middle line:84% Goddamn, Ramone, always comes out 00:08:22.060 --> 00:08:25.090 align:middle line:90% smelling like a lemon cupcake. 00:08:25.090 --> 00:08:27.820 align:middle line:84% The wheelchair is lightweight, half the width 00:08:27.820 --> 00:08:30.400 align:middle line:84% of the behemoth Janie has so much trouble navigating, 00:08:30.400 --> 00:08:31.660 align:middle line:90% plus the kid loves it. 00:08:31.660 --> 00:08:34.480 align:middle line:84% She's screeching to be freed from her old chair, screeching 00:08:34.480 --> 00:08:36.760 align:middle line:90% for Louise to hang up the phone. 00:08:36.760 --> 00:08:38.200 align:middle line:90% I lift Janie. 00:08:38.200 --> 00:08:40.870 align:middle line:84% She's wobbly headed and too late for her age. 00:08:40.870 --> 00:08:44.590 align:middle line:84% Louise gasps a little and holds three fingers against her lips. 00:08:44.590 --> 00:08:49.360 align:middle line:84% Gently, I put Janie down, settling her into her new ride. 00:08:49.360 --> 00:08:49.930 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:08:49.930 --> 00:08:52.680 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:08:52.680 --> 00:09:03.000 align:middle line:90%