WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.844 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:00:01.844 --> 00:00:04.610 align:middle line:90% 00:00:04.610 --> 00:00:06.630 align:middle line:84% Laura, that was a lovely introduction. 00:00:06.630 --> 00:00:07.850 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:00:07.850 --> 00:00:10.310 align:middle line:84% It's marvelous to be reading here 00:00:10.310 --> 00:00:12.410 align:middle line:84% at the University of Arizona, my Alma Mater. 00:00:12.410 --> 00:00:17.720 align:middle line:84% I graduated in 1980 something with a degree 00:00:17.720 --> 00:00:18.740 align:middle line:90% in French literature. 00:00:18.740 --> 00:00:20.930 align:middle line:84% And I took my very first creative writing class here 00:00:20.930 --> 00:00:24.950 align:middle line:90% at the UA with Ed Abbey. 00:00:24.950 --> 00:00:27.420 align:middle line:90% I had no idea who he was. 00:00:27.420 --> 00:00:29.960 align:middle line:84% I was like 22, kind of wandered into the classroom, 00:00:29.960 --> 00:00:32.240 align:middle line:84% thinking, oh, creative writing, sounds interesting, 00:00:32.240 --> 00:00:33.213 align:middle line:90% sounds good. 00:00:33.213 --> 00:00:34.880 align:middle line:84% I had no idea it would be the thing that 00:00:34.880 --> 00:00:37.490 align:middle line:84% would begin to scare me and continues to scare me 00:00:37.490 --> 00:00:39.560 align:middle line:90% for the rest of my life. 00:00:39.560 --> 00:00:45.320 align:middle line:84% But Ed Abbey was kind to my really, really bad stories. 00:00:45.320 --> 00:00:47.870 align:middle line:84% They were so bad, so, so, so awful. 00:00:47.870 --> 00:00:51.110 align:middle line:84% So awful that I now use them as examples 00:00:51.110 --> 00:00:53.780 align:middle line:84% in my undergraduate creative writing classrooms. 00:00:53.780 --> 00:00:56.450 align:middle line:84% I hand out the story and take my name off of it 00:00:56.450 --> 00:00:59.030 align:middle line:84% and we talked about all the ways in which this story has 00:00:59.030 --> 00:00:59.555 align:middle line:90% gone bad. 00:00:59.555 --> 00:01:02.090 align:middle line:90% 00:01:02.090 --> 00:01:05.630 align:middle line:84% And then I take the copies back, because nobody's leaving 00:01:05.630 --> 00:01:09.440 align:middle line:90% the room with that evidence. 00:01:09.440 --> 00:01:12.870 align:middle line:84% Anyway, here we are back in Arizona. 00:01:12.870 --> 00:01:17.300 align:middle line:84% And this is the final stop of my year long. 00:01:17.300 --> 00:01:20.120 align:middle line:84% My year of the first book, I call it. 00:01:20.120 --> 00:01:23.450 align:middle line:84% The Drue Heinz people were very generous in sending me around 00:01:23.450 --> 00:01:24.860 align:middle line:90% to places and doing readings. 00:01:24.860 --> 00:01:28.912 align:middle line:84% And so I've been to lots of really great podiums 00:01:28.912 --> 00:01:30.620 align:middle line:84% around the country to read these stories. 00:01:30.620 --> 00:01:31.537 align:middle line:90% I'm grateful for that. 00:01:31.537 --> 00:01:35.130 align:middle line:84% And here we are at the-- this is the wrap up of the first book 00:01:35.130 --> 00:01:35.630 align:middle line:90% year. 00:01:35.630 --> 00:01:36.950 align:middle line:90% So thank you for being here. 00:01:36.950 --> 00:01:39.830 align:middle line:84% And it's great to do this in Tucson. 00:01:39.830 --> 00:01:44.210 align:middle line:84% I'm going to read a story that takes about 17 minutes, more 00:01:44.210 --> 00:01:47.027 align:middle line:90% or less. 00:01:47.027 --> 00:01:48.360 align:middle line:90% I just turned to the wrong page. 00:01:48.360 --> 00:01:50.120 align:middle line:90% Here it is. 00:01:50.120 --> 00:01:52.550 align:middle line:90% This is a first person account. 00:01:52.550 --> 00:01:56.700 align:middle line:84% It's a male protagonist from a first person point of view. 00:01:56.700 --> 00:01:59.750 align:middle line:90% So it's not me obviously. 00:01:59.750 --> 00:02:03.290 align:middle line:84% It's called "The Nigerian Princes." 00:02:03.290 --> 00:02:06.352 align:middle line:84% "To silence their noise about giving them grandchildren. 00:02:06.352 --> 00:02:08.810 align:middle line:84% I've let my parents believe that my best friend, Ramone, is 00:02:08.810 --> 00:02:10.400 align:middle line:90% my lover. 00:02:10.400 --> 00:02:12.123 align:middle line:84% They're too old to embrace homosexuality 00:02:12.123 --> 00:02:13.790 align:middle line:84% but they know better than to admit that. 00:02:13.790 --> 00:02:14.690 align:middle line:90% They're in their 70s. 00:02:14.690 --> 00:02:16.820 align:middle line:90% And I'm their only child. 00:02:16.820 --> 00:02:19.010 align:middle line:84% Truth is I can't keep a girlfriend. 00:02:19.010 --> 00:02:21.740 align:middle line:84% Louise looks at me now as if I'm the coffee machine repair 00:02:21.740 --> 00:02:23.690 align:middle line:90% guy, right through me. 00:02:23.690 --> 00:02:24.890 align:middle line:90% I'm sad most of the time. 00:02:24.890 --> 00:02:26.840 align:middle line:84% But let's face it, everyone is sad. 00:02:26.840 --> 00:02:28.610 align:middle line:90% Everyone except Ramone. 00:02:28.610 --> 00:02:32.330 align:middle line:84% He says that Louise is invested in the story of herself 00:02:32.330 --> 00:02:34.880 align:middle line:84% and that I shouldn't give up on her. 00:02:34.880 --> 00:02:37.460 align:middle line:84% He told me he saw her on the roof of our office building 00:02:37.460 --> 00:02:40.190 align:middle line:84% today at lunch, her chin tilted toward the sun 00:02:40.190 --> 00:02:43.490 align:middle line:84% as if her own life were too tragic for this world. 00:02:43.490 --> 00:02:47.240 align:middle line:84% Louise, her hands, her lips, the curve of her brow. 00:02:47.240 --> 00:02:50.012 align:middle line:84% I used to think her face would be with me always. 00:02:50.012 --> 00:02:52.220 align:middle line:84% I would have been there for the aging of those hands, 00:02:52.220 --> 00:02:54.110 align:middle line:90% the wrinkle of that forehead. 00:02:54.110 --> 00:02:57.680 align:middle line:84% I imagine her an old woman, thin skinned, thin haired, 00:02:57.680 --> 00:03:00.470 align:middle line:84% roomy eyed, and beautiful in an Irish cardigan 00:03:00.470 --> 00:03:02.120 align:middle line:90% on the beach in wintertime. 00:03:02.120 --> 00:03:05.600 align:middle line:84% The gulls, the Pipers, the wind bringing blood to her cheeks. 00:03:05.600 --> 00:03:10.970 align:middle line:84% Me, an old man, grateful, and quiet, and finally responsible. 00:03:10.970 --> 00:03:13.310 align:middle line:84% The Nigerian princes were our hobby, Louise and me. 00:03:13.310 --> 00:03:16.370 align:middle line:84% Those assholes stealing money from old ladies 00:03:16.370 --> 00:03:17.540 align:middle line:90% and crazy people. 00:03:17.540 --> 00:03:19.130 align:middle line:90% They offended us. 00:03:19.130 --> 00:03:21.650 align:middle line:84% You'd have to be either sadly naive or mentally ill 00:03:21.650 --> 00:03:23.373 align:middle line:90% to get caught up in their scam. 00:03:23.373 --> 00:03:25.790 align:middle line:84% You'd have to live outside the reach of human interaction, 00:03:25.790 --> 00:03:29.757 align:middle line:84% which on top of everything else, would mean you're also lonely. 00:03:29.757 --> 00:03:31.340 align:middle line:84% This is the demographic they're after. 00:03:31.340 --> 00:03:33.917 align:middle line:90% The unfairness of it killed me. 00:03:33.917 --> 00:03:35.000 align:middle line:90% I can't keep a girlfriend. 00:03:35.000 --> 00:03:36.260 align:middle line:90% And I can't find a wife. 00:03:36.260 --> 00:03:37.100 align:middle line:90% I've been trying. 00:03:37.100 --> 00:03:38.420 align:middle line:90% Ramone will attest to it. 00:03:38.420 --> 00:03:39.980 align:middle line:84% With Louise, I fucked it up again. 00:03:39.980 --> 00:03:43.340 align:middle line:90% I fucked it up good. 00:03:43.340 --> 00:03:45.380 align:middle line:84% My mother is a displacement artist. 00:03:45.380 --> 00:03:47.810 align:middle line:84% She puts things where they don't belong. 00:03:47.810 --> 00:03:51.050 align:middle line:84% When I was a kid arts councils kept getting her grants. 00:03:51.050 --> 00:03:53.750 align:middle line:84% Her work is a statement on consumption and identity 00:03:53.750 --> 00:03:55.040 align:middle line:90% and place. 00:03:55.040 --> 00:03:57.320 align:middle line:84% I'd come home from third grade and find 00:03:57.320 --> 00:03:59.180 align:middle line:84% one of her utilitarian brassieres 00:03:59.180 --> 00:04:02.270 align:middle line:84% in the refrigerator, a cluster of red grapes cradled 00:04:02.270 --> 00:04:03.710 align:middle line:90% in each cup. 00:04:03.710 --> 00:04:06.560 align:middle line:84% The family weed whacker encrusted with Bermuda 00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:10.460 align:middle line:84% mounted inside a gilt frame on the dining room wall. 00:04:10.460 --> 00:04:12.560 align:middle line:84% In the supermarket I'd wander away from her bored 00:04:12.560 --> 00:04:14.240 align:middle line:84% and among the comic books I'd come 00:04:14.240 --> 00:04:17.990 align:middle line:84% upon a dozen key lines displayed in an open egg carton, 00:04:17.990 --> 00:04:20.420 align:middle line:84% a tidy row of Idaho russet potatoes 00:04:20.420 --> 00:04:24.410 align:middle line:84% set atop stacks of spiral bound notebooks. 00:04:24.410 --> 00:04:27.200 align:middle line:84% My father is a literature professor, emeritus retired. 00:04:27.200 --> 00:04:29.960 align:middle line:84% Charles Dickens was the center of my childhood. 00:04:29.960 --> 00:04:32.810 align:middle line:84% If Dickens were alive and in need of a baggage handler 00:04:32.810 --> 00:04:34.280 align:middle line:90% or someone to suck his dick. 00:04:34.280 --> 00:04:37.430 align:middle line:84% My dad would have been the man for the job. 00:04:37.430 --> 00:04:38.930 align:middle line:84% "Fagella for Dickens, your husband." 00:04:38.930 --> 00:04:41.630 align:middle line:84% Ramone told my mother authoritatively last year 00:04:41.630 --> 00:04:43.010 align:middle line:90% at the seder table. 00:04:43.010 --> 00:04:44.570 align:middle line:84% The old man had just delivered to us 00:04:44.570 --> 00:04:47.450 align:middle line:84% a fresh theory refuting the accusations of anti-Semitism 00:04:47.450 --> 00:04:49.040 align:middle line:90% in Oliver Twist. 00:04:49.040 --> 00:04:51.260 align:middle line:84% Ramone loves my mom, idiot that he is. 00:04:51.260 --> 00:04:53.300 align:middle line:84% Also he'll eat anything, including 00:04:53.300 --> 00:04:54.830 align:middle line:90% her horrendous cooking. 00:04:54.830 --> 00:04:57.830 align:middle line:84% He's freakishly accomplished at dinner table conversation. 00:04:57.830 --> 00:05:03.010 align:middle line:84% So his presence of holiday meals works out for everyone. 00:05:03.010 --> 00:05:06.570 align:middle line:84% My mother guffawed lovingly at Ramone, wiped tears of laughter 00:05:06.570 --> 00:05:08.790 align:middle line:90% with her palsy arthritic hand. 00:05:08.790 --> 00:05:11.910 align:middle line:84% Dad grinned amiably through his deafness. 00:05:11.910 --> 00:05:15.420 align:middle line:84% Ramone is neither gay nor Jewish. 00:05:15.420 --> 00:05:18.030 align:middle line:84% Incoming inter-office email from Louise. 00:05:18.030 --> 00:05:19.710 align:middle line:90% Forgiveness, it says. 00:05:19.710 --> 00:05:22.650 align:middle line:90% Forgiveness is for pussies. 00:05:22.650 --> 00:05:25.650 align:middle line:84% My mother thinks Louise is my fag hag. 00:05:25.650 --> 00:05:27.930 align:middle line:84% This according to Ramone, in whom she confides. 00:05:27.930 --> 00:05:30.330 align:middle line:90% Ramone thinks Mom's a scream. 00:05:30.330 --> 00:05:32.610 align:middle line:84% But consider the context, Ramone was 00:05:32.610 --> 00:05:34.320 align:middle line:90% raised by human traffickers. 00:05:34.320 --> 00:05:36.270 align:middle line:84% He spent much of his childhood in the back 00:05:36.270 --> 00:05:39.420 align:middle line:84% of unmarked vans, stinky with the sweat of individuals 00:05:39.420 --> 00:05:40.830 align:middle line:90% scared shitless. 00:05:40.830 --> 00:05:43.560 align:middle line:84% He'd have been thrilled to find an unwashed carrot and a can 00:05:43.560 --> 00:05:46.590 align:middle line:84% of sardines in his lunchbox as I did in seventh grade 00:05:46.590 --> 00:05:48.930 align:middle line:90% four days in a row. 00:05:48.930 --> 00:05:50.820 align:middle line:84% In the break room at work, Ramone 00:05:50.820 --> 00:05:52.710 align:middle line:84% eyes a bowl of chocolate kisses somebody 00:05:52.710 --> 00:05:54.480 align:middle line:90% brought to Valentine's Day. 00:05:54.480 --> 00:05:57.330 align:middle line:84% The office is lousy with glitter and sugar. 00:05:57.330 --> 00:06:00.180 align:middle line:84% Ramone needs to lose about 80 pounds. 00:06:00.180 --> 00:06:01.890 align:middle line:84% 'She still loves you, dude' he says. 00:06:01.890 --> 00:06:04.440 align:middle line:84% 'Don't be intimidated by the evil eye' 00:06:04.440 --> 00:06:06.840 align:middle line:84% I told him about the email she sent this morning. 'Yeah. 00:06:06.840 --> 00:06:08.460 align:middle line:84% Well, he says the woman's got to vent. 00:06:08.460 --> 00:06:10.980 align:middle line:84% Venting is what you want, believe me' 00:06:10.980 --> 00:06:12.810 align:middle line:84% 'You don't know shit' I tell him. 00:06:12.810 --> 00:06:15.030 align:middle line:84% 'Not true, he says, succumbing to the Hershey's. 00:06:15.030 --> 00:06:15.930 align:middle line:90% 'I do know shit. 00:06:15.930 --> 00:06:17.640 align:middle line:90% Shit I learned from you in fact. 00:06:17.640 --> 00:06:19.410 align:middle line:84% For example, I know that Nigerian princes 00:06:19.410 --> 00:06:22.587 align:middle line:84% can be real assholes' 'Fuck you, Ramone' I 00:06:22.587 --> 00:06:25.170 align:middle line:84% fish around for dark chocolate kiss, 'And keep your voice down 00:06:25.170 --> 00:06:28.110 align:middle line:90% for Christ's sake' 00:06:28.110 --> 00:06:30.360 align:middle line:84% Harassing the Nigerian princes was something Louise 00:06:30.360 --> 00:06:31.770 align:middle line:90% and I could do together. 00:06:31.770 --> 00:06:33.210 align:middle line:84% We knew that couples split up when 00:06:33.210 --> 00:06:35.370 align:middle line:84% they don't have common interests, like surfing, 00:06:35.370 --> 00:06:37.830 align:middle line:84% or scrapbooking, or smoking weed. 00:06:37.830 --> 00:06:40.230 align:middle line:84% Until we started fucking with the Nigerian princes, 00:06:40.230 --> 00:06:42.630 align:middle line:84% Louise and I were heading down that road. 00:06:42.630 --> 00:06:45.150 align:middle line:84% She had her bitter feminist book group and her beer 00:06:45.150 --> 00:06:46.620 align:middle line:90% drinking rock climbers. 00:06:46.620 --> 00:06:48.900 align:middle line:84% And I had my Neanderthal white guy football 00:06:48.900 --> 00:06:52.290 align:middle line:84% Sundays and my language poetry workshop. 00:06:52.290 --> 00:06:55.800 align:middle line:84% The Nigerian princes brought us back to one another. 00:06:55.800 --> 00:06:57.780 align:middle line:84% Louise has a wicked dark imagination 00:06:57.780 --> 00:06:59.250 align:middle line:84% and a pitch perfect understanding 00:06:59.250 --> 00:07:00.480 align:middle line:90% of character development. 00:07:00.480 --> 00:07:02.700 align:middle line:84% Her knack for detail is astonishing. 00:07:02.700 --> 00:07:05.550 align:middle line:84% 'Meet me at the Lufthansa baggage carousel number five 00:07:05.550 --> 00:07:08.370 align:middle line:84% in Oslo,' she'd emailed a Nigerian prince. 00:07:08.370 --> 00:07:10.440 align:middle line:84% I'll be wearing a desert camouflage maxi 00:07:10.440 --> 00:07:13.380 align:middle line:90% skirt and a black pageboy wig. 00:07:13.380 --> 00:07:16.770 align:middle line:84% Africans make me anxious, so be sure to approach slowly 00:07:16.770 --> 00:07:18.870 align:middle line:84% and leave any tribal accouterments, masks, 00:07:18.870 --> 00:07:21.690 align:middle line:84% and spears, and whatnot back in your village. 00:07:21.690 --> 00:07:24.300 align:middle line:84% I'll get my nephew to strap the cash to my upper thigh. 00:07:24.300 --> 00:07:25.920 align:middle line:84% And we'll probably need your help 00:07:25.920 --> 00:07:28.440 align:middle line:84% retrieving it, considering my bulk prevents me 00:07:28.440 --> 00:07:33.660 align:middle line:84% from accessing certain parts of my body lol' Louise would 00:07:33.660 --> 00:07:36.330 align:middle line:84% cackle as she typed, lying on her stomach on the bed, 00:07:36.330 --> 00:07:37.620 align:middle line:90% laptop before her. 00:07:37.620 --> 00:07:39.360 align:middle line:84% This would make me hard as a rock. 00:07:39.360 --> 00:07:41.220 align:middle line:84% I'd lift up her skirt and pull up her hips 00:07:41.220 --> 00:07:42.420 align:middle line:90% and slip inside her. 00:07:42.420 --> 00:07:45.180 align:middle line:84% Bent over the keyboard, she'd cackle and type, type 00:07:45.180 --> 00:07:48.360 align:middle line:90% and cackle and moan. 00:07:48.360 --> 00:07:51.000 align:middle line:84% Louise and I weren't alone in our preoccupation with Nigerian 00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:52.110 align:middle line:90% prince harassment. 00:07:52.110 --> 00:07:54.607 align:middle line:84% There were clubs, websites, support groups. 00:07:54.607 --> 00:07:56.190 align:middle line:84% It's not as if we were the only people 00:07:56.190 --> 00:07:59.490 align:middle line:84% to pursue our hobby on company time either. 00:07:59.490 --> 00:08:01.560 align:middle line:84% A guy from Massachusetts named Leon 00:08:01.560 --> 00:08:04.320 align:middle line:84% runs a listserv for counter scammers out of his cubicle 00:08:04.320 --> 00:08:05.507 align:middle line:90% at Google. 00:08:05.507 --> 00:08:07.090 align:middle line:84% Difference is he's not an ignorant ass 00:08:07.090 --> 00:08:08.640 align:middle line:90% hole pointed out Louise. 00:08:08.640 --> 00:08:10.920 align:middle line:84% The night we came home from work stunned and freaked 00:08:10.920 --> 00:08:12.810 align:middle line:84% out at the news that the company's mainframe 00:08:12.810 --> 00:08:13.680 align:middle line:90% had been hacked. 00:08:13.680 --> 00:08:16.050 align:middle line:84% And the credit card numbers of 20,000 customers 00:08:16.050 --> 00:08:18.690 align:middle line:84% stolen and by the likelihood that our taunting 00:08:18.690 --> 00:08:21.060 align:middle line:84% of the Nigerian princes was responsible. 00:08:21.060 --> 00:08:23.880 align:middle line:90% 00:08:23.880 --> 00:08:25.770 align:middle line:84% Incoming interoffice email from Jerry, 00:08:25.770 --> 00:08:28.500 align:middle line:84% my boss, your external audit interview 00:08:28.500 --> 00:08:30.983 align:middle line:90% scheduled for next Tuesday. 00:08:30.983 --> 00:08:33.150 align:middle line:84% It's only a matter of time before they figure out it 00:08:33.150 --> 00:08:35.693 align:middle line:90% was us or Louise technically. 00:08:35.693 --> 00:08:37.110 align:middle line:84% Because I was the one who told her 00:08:37.110 --> 00:08:40.620 align:middle line:84% my computer was offline when actually it wasn't that night 00:08:40.620 --> 00:08:42.419 align:middle line:84% months ago when she and I took a graveyard 00:08:42.419 --> 00:08:44.220 align:middle line:84% shift for the overtime pay working 00:08:44.220 --> 00:08:47.760 align:middle line:84% all night in jeans and t-shirts and a maze of empty cubicles. 00:08:47.760 --> 00:08:50.430 align:middle line:84% First we fucked in my office chair, and then in hers, 00:08:50.430 --> 00:08:52.260 align:middle line:84% then in our department manager's. 00:08:52.260 --> 00:08:54.870 align:middle line:84% Then we decided to fuck with the Nigerians for a little while. 00:08:54.870 --> 00:08:58.590 align:middle line:84% And I knew somewhere in a dark corner of my idiot reptilian 00:08:58.590 --> 00:09:02.160 align:middle line:84% brain that sending emails to Nigeria from your desktop 00:09:02.160 --> 00:09:04.410 align:middle line:84% was the sort of thing that gets you fired. 00:09:04.410 --> 00:09:06.270 align:middle line:84% It was me who told her it would be OK, 00:09:06.270 --> 00:09:07.920 align:middle line:84% it would be fine to use her computer. 00:09:07.920 --> 00:09:09.120 align:middle line:90% No way they'd find out. 00:09:09.120 --> 00:09:10.830 align:middle line:90% No way they'd even care. 00:09:10.830 --> 00:09:13.590 align:middle line:90% I told her it would all be fine. 00:09:13.590 --> 00:09:17.130 align:middle line:84% And then in my despair, I admitted to her what I'd done. 00:09:17.130 --> 00:09:20.700 align:middle line:84% At which point, she started rightfully to hate me. 00:09:20.700 --> 00:09:23.940 align:middle line:84% Louise has a kid named Janie, a six-year-old with blue eyes 00:09:23.940 --> 00:09:26.850 align:middle line:84% and red curly hair and fucking cerebral palsy. 00:09:26.850 --> 00:09:28.920 align:middle line:84% Pre-existing conditions of the yin yang 00:09:28.920 --> 00:09:31.170 align:middle line:84% dependent on company health care for her meds, 00:09:31.170 --> 00:09:34.410 align:middle line:84% her wheelchair, her oxygen tank, her physical therapists, 00:09:34.410 --> 00:09:37.290 align:middle line:84% her specialists, her daycare her survival. 00:09:37.290 --> 00:09:40.130 align:middle line:90% Louise's anger at me is primal."