WEBVTT

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I'll read you my one dirty poem.

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It's called "Courtship."

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It's not really dirty,
unless the truth is dirty.

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I don't know.

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I hate to make such remarks.

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It's not-- it's
really irrelevant.

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I used to think one of the
ways in which a man got

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a woman's confidence
was by telling her

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he really wasn't a man.

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[CHUCKLING]

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That's why I never got
married until I was 94.

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Forget that.

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This is a poem
called "Courtship."

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There is a girl you like so
you tell her your penis is big,

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but that you cannot
get yourself to use it.

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Its demands are
ridiculous, you say.

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Even self-defeating.

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But to be honored
somehow, briefly,

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inconspicuously in the dark.

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When she closes her eyes in
horror, you take it all back.

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You tell her you're
almost a girl

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yourself and can understand
why she is shocked.

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When she is about
to walk away, you

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tell her you have
no penis, that you

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don't know what got into you.

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[LAUGHTER]

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You get on your knees.

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She suddenly bends down
to kiss your shoulder

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and you know you're
on the right track.

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[LAUGHTER]

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You tell her you
want to bear children

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and that is why
you seem confused.

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You wrinkle your brow and
curse the day you were born.

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She tries to calm you,
but you lose control.

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You reach for her panties and
beg forgiveness as you do.

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She squirms and you
howl like a wolf.

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Your craving seems monumental.

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You know will have her.

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Taken by storm, she is
the girl you will marry.

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[APPLAUSE]

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When you clap, you
implicate yourselves.