WEBVTT

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PETER REDGROVE:
Among my own poems

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this evening are going to
be a number about water

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because I know in Arizona
you appreciate water.

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Water is the engine
of the universe.

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The sun draws it
up out of the sea

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the clouds rain in the
course of its passage.

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I've produced all
the living beings

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that inhabit the universe.

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I think of water as the
most admirable of elements.

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Now, my first poem is
called "Mr. Waterman."

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It's a dialogue between a
psychiatrist and his patient.

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The patient is
afflicted with water.

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He has too much
water in his life.

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Don Thomas is going
to do the psychiatrist

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and I shall be the patient.

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"Mr. Waterman."

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D.M. THOMAS: "Well, now,
we're quite private in here.

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You can tell me your troubles.

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The pond, I think you said.

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REDGROVE: Yes, doctor,
we never really

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liked that pond in the garden.

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At times, it was
choked with a sort

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of weed, which if you pulled
one thread gleefully unraveled

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until you had an
empty basin before you

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and the whole of the pond in
a soaking heap at your side.

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Then at other times it
was as clear as gin,

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and lay in the grass
staring upwards.

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If you came anywhere near,
the gaze shifted sideways,

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and it was you that was being
stared at, not the empty sky.

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If you were so bold as to come
right up to the edge swaggering

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and talking loudly to show
that you were not afraid.

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It presented you with
so perfect a reflection

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that you stayed there spellbound
and nearly missed dinner

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getting to know yourself.

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Doctor, it had hypnotic powers.

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THOMAS: Very well.

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Then what happened?

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REDGROVE: Well, near the
pond was a small bell hung

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on a bracket, which the milkman
used to ring as he went out

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to tell us upstairs
in the bedroom

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that we could go down and
make the early morning tea.

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This bell was near a little
avenue of rose trees.

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One morning very early
indeed, it tinged loudly.

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And when I looked out, I
saw that the empty bottles

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we had put out the
night before were

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full of bright green pond water.

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I had to go down and empty them
before the milkman arrived.

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This was only the beginning.

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One evening, I was
astounded to find

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a brace of starfish coupling
on the ornamental stone

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step of the pool,
and, looking up,

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my cry to my wife
to come and see

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was stifled by the sight
of a light peppering

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of barnacles on the
stems of the rose trees.

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The vermin had evidently
crept there taking advantage

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of the thin film of
moisture on the ground

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after the recent
very wet weather.

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I dipped a finger into
the pond and tasted it.

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It was brackish.

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THOMAS: But it got worse.

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REDGROVE: It got worse.

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One night of howling wind
and tempestuous rain.

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I heard muffled voices outside
shouting in rural tones.

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Belay there, you lovers.

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[LAUGHTER]

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'Box the forsail capstan!'

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'A line!

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A line!

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Give me a line there
for Davy Jones' sake!'

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And a great creaking of timbers.

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In the morning, there
was the garden seat,

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which was too big to float
dragged tilting into the pond

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half in and half out.

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THOMAS: But you could
put up with all this.

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How did the change come about?

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REDGROVE: It was getting
playful obviously and inventive,

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if ill-informed, and
might have got dangerous,

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I decided to treat it
with the consideration

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and dignity, which it would
probably later have insisted

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upon.

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And I invited it in as a lodger.

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Bedding it up in
the old bathroom.

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At first, I thought I would
have to run canvas troughs

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up the stairs, so it
could get to its room

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without soaking the carpets.

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And I removed the flap
from the letterbox

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so it would be quite
free to come and go.

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But it soon learnt to keep its
form quite well and get about

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in Mackintosh and galoshes.

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Opening doors with
gloved fingers.

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THOMAS: Until a week ago.

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REDGROVE: A week ago it started
sitting with us in the lounge.

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[LAUGHTER]

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And the electric fire had to be
turned off as the windows kept

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on steaming up.

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It had accidentally included
a goldfish in its body.

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And when the
gargling goat swam up

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the crystal up the neck
into the crystal clear head,

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it dipped its hand
in and fumbled about

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with many ripples and grimaces.

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Plucked the fish out and
offered it to my wife--

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[LAUGHTER]

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with a polite nod.

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She was just about to
go into the kitchen

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and cook the supper.

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But I explained
quickly that goldfish

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were very bitter to
eat so he put it back.

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However, I was going to give him
a big plate of ice cubes, which

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he would have
popped into his head

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and enjoyed sucking like sweets.

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Although, his real tipple
is distilled water.

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While we watch
television, but he

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didn't seem to want
anything, I suppose

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he thinks he's big
enough already.

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THOMAS: Free board
and lodging, eh?

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REDGROVE: I don't know
what rent to charge him.

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I thought I might ask him to
join the river for a spell

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and bring us back some of
the money that abounds there,

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purses lost overboard from
pleasure steamers rotting

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away in the mud and so forth.

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But he has grown very
intolerant of dirt

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and might find it difficult
to get clean again.

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Even worse, he might not
be able to free himself

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from his rough dirty cousins,
and he might come roaring back

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as an impossible green seething
giant tall as the river

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upended buckling into
the sky and swamp us,

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and the whole village as well.

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I shudder to think,
doctor, what would happen

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if he got as far as the sea?

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His spiritual home, the
country would be in danger.

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I am at my wits' end for
he is idle, and lounges

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about all day.

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THOMAS: Well, that's
harmless enough.

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REDGROVE: No, if
he's not lounging,

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he toys with his
shape restlessly.

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Stripping off his waterproof.

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He's a charming doll's house
of glass with doors and windows

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opening and shutting.

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He is a tree that thrusts
up and fills the room.

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He is a terrifying shark-shape.

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The dots about between
the legs of the furniture

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or lurks in the
shadows of the room

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gleaming in the light
of the television tube.

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He is a fountain that blooms
without spilling a drop,

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or in this image
constantly recurs.

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He is a very small man with a
very large head and streaming

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eyes, who gazes
mournfully up at my wife.

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She takes no notice
and collapses suddenly

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into his tears with
a sob and a gulp.

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Domestic, pastoral-phallic,
maritime-ghastly,

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stately-gracious or
grotesque-pathetic.

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He rings the changes on a
gamut of moods, showing off,

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while I have to
sit aside slumped

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in my armchair
unable to compete.

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Reflecting what feats he
may be able to accomplish

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in due course with his body.

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What titillating shapes
impose, what exaggerated parts

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deploy under his Mackintosh.

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I dread the time,
doctor, for it will

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come when I shall arrive
home unexpectedly early

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and hear a sudden scuffle
away in the waste pipes

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and find my wife just
out of the shower, dear.

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[LAUGHTER]

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With that moist look in
her eyes drying her hair

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and then to hear him
swaggering in from the garden

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drains, talking loudly
about his day's excursion

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as if nothing at all
had been going on for he

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learns greater charm each
day this Mr. Waterman.

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And can be as stubborn
as winter and gentle

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as the warm rains of spring.

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THOMAS: I should say that you
have a real problem there,

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but it's too early
for a solution

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yet, until I know you better.

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Go away, take a week
off in the office.

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Spend your time with
your wife, relax,

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eat plenty of nourishing
meals, plenty of sex

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and sleep, then come
and see me again.

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Good afternoon.

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The next patient, nurse.

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Oh, Mr. Waterman.

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Sit down, please.

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Does the gas fire trouble you?

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No?

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I can turn it off if you wish.

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Well, now we're quite
private in here.

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You can tell me your troubles.

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A married, air-breathing
woman, I think you said.

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[APPLAUSE]

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