WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.600 align:middle line:90% 00:00:00.600 --> 00:00:04.080 align:middle line:84% Well, there are two matters that they cannot handle, 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:05.812 align:middle line:90% I'll finish with one of them. 00:00:05.812 --> 00:00:07.770 align:middle line:84% There are two things that they just don't have. 00:00:07.770 --> 00:00:09.120 align:middle line:90% They have no explanation for. 00:00:09.120 --> 00:00:13.260 align:middle line:84% One is Dr. Schmitz, golden fountain pen, 00:00:13.260 --> 00:00:16.560 align:middle line:84% which wrote down a lot of things he didn't intend to say 00:00:16.560 --> 00:00:18.420 align:middle line:90% and finally had to destroy it. 00:00:18.420 --> 00:00:20.970 align:middle line:90% 00:00:20.970 --> 00:00:26.640 align:middle line:84% And the other is another mystery worthy of mention concerns 00:00:26.640 --> 00:00:30.360 align:middle line:84% an unusual clock, which is once the proud possession 00:00:30.360 --> 00:00:32.009 align:middle line:90% of a theatrical agent. 00:00:32.009 --> 00:00:34.260 align:middle line:84% Here thanks to our friendly anonymous source 00:00:34.260 --> 00:00:36.840 align:middle line:84% on the committee, we have an exact transcript 00:00:36.840 --> 00:00:40.290 align:middle line:84% of the statement made by this individual under oath 00:00:40.290 --> 00:00:42.300 align:middle line:90% to the court commission. 00:00:42.300 --> 00:00:45.660 align:middle line:84% That statement slightly edited to facilitate reading 00:00:45.660 --> 00:00:48.150 align:middle line:90% is as follows. 00:00:48.150 --> 00:00:50.820 align:middle line:84% May it please you honorable ladies and gentlemen 00:00:50.820 --> 00:00:52.530 align:middle line:90% of the commission. 00:00:52.530 --> 00:00:54.870 align:middle line:84% I'm only a poor and humble agent, 00:00:54.870 --> 00:00:57.030 align:middle line:84% a servant for the many talented men 00:00:57.030 --> 00:01:00.630 align:middle line:84% and women in the worlds of entertainment, showbiz, 00:01:00.630 --> 00:01:02.977 align:middle line:90% and the seven lively arts. 00:01:02.977 --> 00:01:04.560 align:middle line:84% I know that there are those people who 00:01:04.560 --> 00:01:08.610 align:middle line:84% speak of us badly, speak of us as agents as a group, 00:01:08.610 --> 00:01:12.360 align:middle line:84% putting the knock upon us as greedy, and lazy parasites who 00:01:12.360 --> 00:01:15.990 align:middle line:84% do nothing, and collect 10% and sometimes more 00:01:15.990 --> 00:01:18.990 align:middle line:84% of the so-called artist's hard earned cash. 00:01:18.990 --> 00:01:22.260 align:middle line:84% They call us gangsters, hustlers, confidence men 00:01:22.260 --> 00:01:23.940 align:middle line:90% and worthless clods. 00:01:23.940 --> 00:01:26.160 align:middle line:84% But they do not know you know what from Shinola. 00:01:26.160 --> 00:01:28.740 align:middle line:90% 00:01:28.740 --> 00:01:31.740 align:middle line:84% Artists are very temperamental and ungrateful 00:01:31.740 --> 00:01:35.130 align:middle line:84% and frequently lacking in any talent whatsoever. 00:01:35.130 --> 00:01:39.060 align:middle line:84% They also tend to lack humility, these egotistical arrogant 00:01:39.060 --> 00:01:40.680 align:middle line:90% so-called artists. 00:01:40.680 --> 00:01:43.440 align:middle line:84% Without agents they would be nothing. 00:01:43.440 --> 00:01:46.050 align:middle line:84% They would be bums in the park, that's what they'd be. 00:01:46.050 --> 00:01:49.080 align:middle line:84% Or filling up the jails, the booby hatches, and the morgues. 00:01:49.080 --> 00:01:51.327 align:middle line:84% Not only do we agents do them great service 00:01:51.327 --> 00:01:53.160 align:middle line:84% by arranging for them to have an opportunity 00:01:53.160 --> 00:01:56.550 align:middle line:84% to practice their so-called arts at the public's expense, 00:01:56.550 --> 00:01:59.190 align:middle line:84% but also if I may say so in all modesty, 00:01:59.190 --> 00:02:02.400 align:middle line:84% we are patriots who save our country much trouble. 00:02:02.400 --> 00:02:05.400 align:middle line:84% We keep these lazy no account rascals and rogues 00:02:05.400 --> 00:02:07.920 align:middle line:84% off the streets and the welfare rolls 00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:10.860 align:middle line:84% where they most likely belong but where they would surely 00:02:10.860 --> 00:02:14.280 align:middle line:84% bankrupt government at state, local, and federal levels. 00:02:14.280 --> 00:02:16.140 align:middle line:84% It has been argued by some of my colleagues 00:02:16.140 --> 00:02:20.340 align:middle line:84% in the agent vocation that by all logic and right, we 00:02:20.340 --> 00:02:23.610 align:middle line:84% the agents deserve 10% of the gross national product 00:02:23.610 --> 00:02:25.950 align:middle line:90% for our good works. 00:02:25.950 --> 00:02:27.990 align:middle line:84% Be that as it may, I do not think 00:02:27.990 --> 00:02:29.700 align:middle line:84% it is fair that we should be subject 00:02:29.700 --> 00:02:31.770 align:middle line:84% to the constant harassment and surveillance 00:02:31.770 --> 00:02:35.130 align:middle line:84% of the moronic minions of the Internal Revenue Service 00:02:35.130 --> 00:02:38.190 align:middle line:84% who do not understand the complex nature of our business 00:02:38.190 --> 00:02:40.110 align:middle line:84% and who are only living in waxing fat off 00:02:40.110 --> 00:02:42.540 align:middle line:90% of our excessive taxes anyway. 00:02:42.540 --> 00:02:45.240 align:middle line:84% Agents, all except for IRS agents, 00:02:45.240 --> 00:02:48.450 align:middle line:84% are useful and valuable citizens of this great land. 00:02:48.450 --> 00:02:50.730 align:middle line:84% It has always seemed practically ironic to me 00:02:50.730 --> 00:02:53.250 align:middle line:84% if you'll pardon the expression that agents 00:02:53.250 --> 00:02:56.430 align:middle line:84% who are, after all simple and honest businessmen 00:02:56.430 --> 00:02:59.250 align:middle line:84% and capitalistic to the core, should be held up 00:02:59.250 --> 00:03:03.540 align:middle line:84% for public ridicule while any deadbeat who can play a piano, 00:03:03.540 --> 00:03:06.390 align:middle line:84% or paint a picture, or swallow a sword 00:03:06.390 --> 00:03:10.170 align:middle line:84% should receive applause and accolades, cash and kudos 00:03:10.170 --> 00:03:11.490 align:middle line:90% from one and all. 00:03:11.490 --> 00:03:14.730 align:middle line:84% After every performance, after every exhibition or show, 00:03:14.730 --> 00:03:16.710 align:middle line:84% these so-called artists should modestly 00:03:16.710 --> 00:03:20.250 align:middle line:84% retire to the rotten woodwork from whence they came 00:03:20.250 --> 00:03:23.250 align:middle line:84% and let the agent step forward and take the bow. 00:03:23.250 --> 00:03:25.950 align:middle line:84% But honorable sirs and ladies, let 00:03:25.950 --> 00:03:28.110 align:middle line:84% us leave philosophy to the professionals 00:03:28.110 --> 00:03:30.000 align:middle line:90% and get to the business at hand. 00:03:30.000 --> 00:03:33.180 align:middle line:84% I know your time is valuable and so is mine. 00:03:33.180 --> 00:03:37.230 align:middle line:84% Time is valuable to everyone except those so-called artists 00:03:37.230 --> 00:03:40.170 align:middle line:84% who lounge and slouch about loafing and inviting 00:03:40.170 --> 00:03:45.300 align:middle line:84% their souls as a poet himself a publicly confessed bum 00:03:45.300 --> 00:03:46.740 align:middle line:90% urged everyone to do. 00:03:46.740 --> 00:03:49.510 align:middle line:84% It's true that at one time I handled a worthless human being 00:03:49.510 --> 00:03:53.070 align:middle line:84% who was billed as Proteus Prince of impersonators. 00:03:53.070 --> 00:03:55.020 align:middle line:84% To best of my recollection he also 00:03:55.020 --> 00:03:57.540 align:middle line:84% called himself Jacob Quirk, but this 00:03:57.540 --> 00:03:59.040 align:middle line:90% may have been pure coincidence. 00:03:59.040 --> 00:04:01.230 align:middle line:84% For in the showbiz there be few if any 00:04:01.230 --> 00:04:04.290 align:middle line:84% if the truth be known that give their right name. 00:04:04.290 --> 00:04:07.950 align:middle line:84% Here let me just ad lib and say right out without shame, 00:04:07.950 --> 00:04:11.400 align:middle line:84% that my name is not Irving Schmitz. 00:04:11.400 --> 00:04:14.520 align:middle line:84% I would rather not reveal my legal name if you don't mind 00:04:14.520 --> 00:04:18.120 align:middle line:84% and I won't ask you yours, which looks to me honorables, 00:04:18.120 --> 00:04:21.540 align:middle line:84% like a kind of Mexican standoff if not a fair deal. 00:04:21.540 --> 00:04:23.790 align:middle line:84% Suffice it to say that when I prepared myself 00:04:23.790 --> 00:04:26.160 align:middle line:84% for the vocation of agents, I noticed 00:04:26.160 --> 00:04:28.170 align:middle line:84% that all successful agents at that time 00:04:28.170 --> 00:04:33.270 align:middle line:84% were named Irving or variations thereof, such as Irving, Erwen, 00:04:33.270 --> 00:04:34.650 align:middle line:90% Erwin, et cetera. 00:04:34.650 --> 00:04:37.230 align:middle line:84% Schmitz was suggested to me by my first secretary 00:04:37.230 --> 00:04:41.010 align:middle line:84% who noted that it sound good and original and seemed to fit. 00:04:41.010 --> 00:04:42.820 align:middle line:84% And that's good enough to me gentlemen, 00:04:42.820 --> 00:04:46.320 align:middle line:84% sometimes the thing just feels right and you cannot explain 00:04:46.320 --> 00:04:47.860 align:middle line:90% why but you do it. 00:04:47.860 --> 00:04:51.270 align:middle line:84% And that is because showbiz is a mystical thing. 00:04:51.270 --> 00:04:54.720 align:middle line:84% Anyhow, I handle this individual who called himself Jake 00:04:54.720 --> 00:04:55.755 align:middle line:90% and what was he? 00:04:55.755 --> 00:04:59.130 align:middle line:84% He was a punk kid who could make faces, that's all. 00:04:59.130 --> 00:05:01.370 align:middle line:84% I made a star out of him, I put his name 00:05:01.370 --> 00:05:04.490 align:middle line:84% in lights and all that, but he was strictly a nothing 00:05:04.490 --> 00:05:05.640 align:middle line:90% from beginning to end. 00:05:05.640 --> 00:05:08.300 align:middle line:84% And I do not for one minute believe 00:05:08.300 --> 00:05:11.390 align:middle line:84% all this well blank about turning himself 00:05:11.390 --> 00:05:13.330 align:middle line:90% into other people and all that. 00:05:13.330 --> 00:05:16.010 align:middle line:84% That sounds like some kind of a second rate drunk and press 00:05:16.010 --> 00:05:16.700 align:middle line:90% agent. 00:05:16.700 --> 00:05:19.040 align:middle line:84% And Jake was too stupid and conceited to ever think 00:05:19.040 --> 00:05:20.690 align:middle line:90% of the idea. 00:05:20.690 --> 00:05:23.840 align:middle line:84% Nevertheless, before he lost his mind and his humility 00:05:23.840 --> 00:05:27.342 align:middle line:84% I handled him very well right up there in the big time. 00:05:27.342 --> 00:05:29.300 align:middle line:84% And we got along all right except for arguments 00:05:29.300 --> 00:05:30.470 align:middle line:90% about money. 00:05:30.470 --> 00:05:32.420 align:middle line:84% He never could understand all the expenses 00:05:32.420 --> 00:05:34.970 align:middle line:84% and overhead it costs to take a talentless nobody 00:05:34.970 --> 00:05:37.550 align:middle line:84% and turn him into a star and keep him there. 00:05:37.550 --> 00:05:39.620 align:middle line:84% It did no good to show him facts and figures, 00:05:39.620 --> 00:05:41.360 align:middle line:84% he'd go over them with a fine tooth comb 00:05:41.360 --> 00:05:44.600 align:middle line:84% and yell and scream about everything, even minor mistakes 00:05:44.600 --> 00:05:47.180 align:middle line:90% in addition and subtraction. 00:05:47.180 --> 00:05:49.190 align:middle line:84% He was a reckless spender too and 00:05:49.190 --> 00:05:51.470 align:middle line:84% among other deviant and antisocial things 00:05:51.470 --> 00:05:56.235 align:middle line:84% he wore wide neckties long before they were correct again. 00:05:56.235 --> 00:05:57.860 align:middle line:84% To understand this ladies and gentlemen 00:05:57.860 --> 00:06:01.040 align:middle line:84% you've got to understand that I'm sort of a demon about time. 00:06:01.040 --> 00:06:04.520 align:middle line:84% Time is as precious as blood and energy in my business. 00:06:04.520 --> 00:06:06.950 align:middle line:84% Time is almost as important as money. 00:06:06.950 --> 00:06:10.280 align:middle line:84% With clients coming and going all the time and phones ringing 00:06:10.280 --> 00:06:12.110 align:middle line:84% constantly, I live by a tight schedule 00:06:12.110 --> 00:06:14.630 align:middle line:84% and I have to watch the clock, which is how I 00:06:14.630 --> 00:06:16.430 align:middle line:90% became a kind of a clock buff. 00:06:16.430 --> 00:06:18.410 align:middle line:84% Started collecting the things and stashing them 00:06:18.410 --> 00:06:20.960 align:middle line:84% all over the office and prominent places. 00:06:20.960 --> 00:06:23.750 align:middle line:84% Not only for my own purposes, but also 00:06:23.750 --> 00:06:25.490 align:middle line:84% that no matter where a client turned 00:06:25.490 --> 00:06:29.780 align:middle line:84% he would see a clock working, ticking off my valuable time. 00:06:29.780 --> 00:06:32.240 align:middle line:84% I collected some pretty fine clocks of all kinds 00:06:32.240 --> 00:06:33.570 align:middle line:90% if I do say so myself. 00:06:33.570 --> 00:06:37.580 align:middle line:84% And I kept them all synchronized and in perfect working order. 00:06:37.580 --> 00:06:40.250 align:middle line:84% Naturally when the hour struck it was noisy as you 00:06:40.250 --> 00:06:41.300 align:middle line:90% can imagine in my office. 00:06:41.300 --> 00:06:44.540 align:middle line:84% It was damn near deafening with all those chimes, bells, 00:06:44.540 --> 00:06:46.460 align:middle line:90% clocks, and booms. 00:06:46.460 --> 00:06:50.390 align:middle line:84% But I had my earplugs ready which muted the noise 00:06:50.390 --> 00:06:53.150 align:middle line:84% and also cut off the sound of my clients voices. 00:06:53.150 --> 00:06:55.280 align:middle line:84% And usually scared the stuffing out of them. 00:06:55.280 --> 00:06:58.040 align:middle line:84% For as the hour approached, I always 00:06:58.040 --> 00:07:00.260 align:middle line:84% want to distract them from observing the clocks 00:07:00.260 --> 00:07:02.100 align:middle line:90% by various words and gestures. 00:07:02.100 --> 00:07:05.720 align:middle line:84% And I only slipped the earplugs in at the last possible second. 00:07:05.720 --> 00:07:07.490 align:middle line:84% Mostly they were taken by surprise 00:07:07.490 --> 00:07:11.030 align:middle line:84% and scared witless, affording me an opportunity 00:07:11.030 --> 00:07:15.500 align:middle line:84% for a good hearty laugh at least once every hour. 00:07:15.500 --> 00:07:18.350 align:middle line:84% A man without a sense of humor is only half civilized, 00:07:18.350 --> 00:07:20.060 align:middle line:90% I've always said. 00:07:20.060 --> 00:07:22.970 align:middle line:84% Well, to make a long story short ladies and gentlemen, 00:07:22.970 --> 00:07:25.340 align:middle line:84% one day I received a package in the mail. 00:07:25.340 --> 00:07:27.800 align:middle line:84% Since it was ticking, since I have 00:07:27.800 --> 00:07:31.550 align:middle line:84% known many disgruntled and degenerate clients in my time 00:07:31.550 --> 00:07:33.800 align:middle line:84% and even a few jealous competitors, 00:07:33.800 --> 00:07:37.340 align:middle line:84% since I have two ex-wives who are so crushed at my walking 00:07:37.340 --> 00:07:40.790 align:middle line:84% out on them that they have been half crazy ever since, 00:07:40.790 --> 00:07:43.940 align:middle line:84% not to mention some secretaries and other young ladies 00:07:43.940 --> 00:07:47.210 align:middle line:84% who as a result of the most casual and informal encounters 00:07:47.210 --> 00:07:50.060 align:middle line:84% seem to feel that they have some sort of claim against me, 00:07:50.060 --> 00:07:51.950 align:middle line:84% for all the above reasons I instantly 00:07:51.950 --> 00:07:54.590 align:middle line:90% call the bomb disposal squad. 00:07:54.590 --> 00:07:56.270 align:middle line:90% However, it was not a bomb. 00:07:56.270 --> 00:07:59.120 align:middle line:84% It was a beautiful and highly original clock. 00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:02.270 align:middle line:84% Judging by its works I would say early 19th century 00:08:02.270 --> 00:08:04.100 align:middle line:90% but then I'm not a real expert. 00:08:04.100 --> 00:08:07.250 align:middle line:84% It was a big heavy clock with a finely made case 00:08:07.250 --> 00:08:09.450 align:middle line:90% and a gold dome on top. 00:08:09.450 --> 00:08:12.950 align:middle line:84% It had four different kinds of chimes all swell sounding. 00:08:12.950 --> 00:08:15.950 align:middle line:84% And on the hour, two figures came out. 00:08:15.950 --> 00:08:19.730 align:middle line:84% One, a black knight with a curved sword, and the other, 00:08:19.730 --> 00:08:22.010 align:middle line:84% a white knight with a red cross on his armor 00:08:22.010 --> 00:08:24.260 align:middle line:90% and a big spiked mace. 00:08:24.260 --> 00:08:27.110 align:middle line:84% The black knight would swing the sword and miss, 00:08:27.110 --> 00:08:30.800 align:middle line:84% and then whitey would cloud his skull with the mace, 00:08:30.800 --> 00:08:33.590 align:middle line:90% tolling the hour resoundingly. 00:08:33.590 --> 00:08:38.090 align:middle line:84% I thought it was a gas and so did most of my other clients, 00:08:38.090 --> 00:08:40.190 align:middle line:84% except of course the black ones who 00:08:40.190 --> 00:08:42.950 align:middle line:90% are very sensitive these days. 00:08:42.950 --> 00:08:45.370 align:middle line:84% With the clock came a card and I have it here, 00:08:45.370 --> 00:08:47.870 align:middle line:84% which said, to Irving the great from a client who will never 00:08:47.870 --> 00:08:48.995 align:middle line:90% forget you. 00:08:48.995 --> 00:08:50.870 align:middle line:84% I was deeply moved by those sentiments ladies 00:08:50.870 --> 00:08:52.070 align:middle line:90% and gentlemen. 00:08:52.070 --> 00:08:54.080 align:middle line:84% Nine times out of 10 they leave shaking 00:08:54.080 --> 00:08:56.300 align:middle line:84% their fists talking loud and rude 00:08:56.300 --> 00:08:57.770 align:middle line:84% and you never hear from them again. 00:08:57.770 --> 00:08:59.187 align:middle line:84% Here at last I thought was one who 00:08:59.187 --> 00:09:01.400 align:middle line:84% is cooled off enough to understand. 00:09:01.400 --> 00:09:04.970 align:middle line:84% I was touched, deeply moved, and sincerely grateful. 00:09:04.970 --> 00:09:07.545 align:middle line:84% One day when the clock was about to strike noon 00:09:07.545 --> 00:09:09.170 align:middle line:84% and I was just getting ready to cut out 00:09:09.170 --> 00:09:13.640 align:middle line:84% for a meaningful luncheon with a prominent producer, 00:09:13.640 --> 00:09:16.010 align:middle line:84% the big black knight swung that curved razor 00:09:16.010 --> 00:09:18.470 align:middle line:84% and cut off the red cross knight's head 00:09:18.470 --> 00:09:21.230 align:middle line:84% before he could swing a blow with the mace. 00:09:21.230 --> 00:09:25.160 align:middle line:84% I could hardly believe my eyes or my ears either. 00:09:25.160 --> 00:09:28.160 align:middle line:84% Even though I had my earplugs firmly seated, 00:09:28.160 --> 00:09:31.790 align:middle line:84% I swear to you I heard that knight holler, black power 00:09:31.790 --> 00:09:35.150 align:middle line:84% your mother blanker 12 times then he gave me the finger 00:09:35.150 --> 00:09:36.920 align:middle line:84% and vanished into the clock forever. 00:09:36.920 --> 00:09:40.357 align:middle line:90% [LAUGHTER] 00:09:40.357 --> 00:09:43.310 align:middle line:90% 00:09:43.310 --> 00:09:45.500 align:middle line:90% Candidly I felt terrible. 00:09:45.500 --> 00:09:47.870 align:middle line:90% It almost ruined lunch for me. 00:09:47.870 --> 00:09:49.970 align:middle line:90% But that was only the beginning. 00:09:49.970 --> 00:09:53.030 align:middle line:84% In the first place, after that all kinds of figures 00:09:53.030 --> 00:09:56.690 align:middle line:84% came out instead of the knights, usually in pairs and up 00:09:56.690 --> 00:09:58.730 align:middle line:90% to no good whatsoever. 00:09:58.730 --> 00:10:02.660 align:middle line:84% The things they would say and do I shudder to repeat, 00:10:02.660 --> 00:10:05.000 align:middle line:84% shudder to think of let alone to repeat to you. 00:10:05.000 --> 00:10:06.960 align:middle line:84% I guess the most costly occasion when 00:10:06.960 --> 00:10:09.110 align:middle line:84% was when I was about to get this high price leading 00:10:09.110 --> 00:10:11.510 align:middle line:84% lady from the movies to dump her old agent 00:10:11.510 --> 00:10:13.640 align:middle line:84% and sign on the dotted line with me. 00:10:13.640 --> 00:10:15.350 align:middle line:84% While I carefully arranged it so she 00:10:15.350 --> 00:10:17.570 align:middle line:84% would miss the hour, to make double sure 00:10:17.570 --> 00:10:22.282 align:middle line:84% I let the evil clock run down and didn't even wind it. 00:10:22.282 --> 00:10:23.240 align:middle line:90% A lot of good that did. 00:10:23.240 --> 00:10:25.730 align:middle line:84% Just when she picked up my pen to sign the contract, 00:10:25.730 --> 00:10:28.710 align:middle line:84% the damn thing started booming and charming like crazy. 00:10:28.710 --> 00:10:31.160 align:middle line:84% We both looked up naturally just in time 00:10:31.160 --> 00:10:34.860 align:middle line:84% to see two nude figures come trotting out on the platform. 00:10:34.860 --> 00:10:38.240 align:middle line:84% One was a dead ringer for the leading lady in question, 00:10:38.240 --> 00:10:39.770 align:middle line:84% and the other I'm sorry to report 00:10:39.770 --> 00:10:43.310 align:middle line:84% to you was a pretty fair representation of yours truly 00:10:43.310 --> 00:10:48.710 align:middle line:84% in a state of nature and shall we say somewhat aroused. 00:10:48.710 --> 00:10:51.560 align:middle line:84% I was shocked to see what happened. 00:10:51.560 --> 00:10:54.020 align:middle line:84% When it was all over, she was furious. 00:10:54.020 --> 00:10:56.420 align:middle line:84% She poured a bottle of ink over my head, 00:10:56.420 --> 00:10:59.060 align:middle line:84% warded up the contract, stuffed it in my open mouth 00:10:59.060 --> 00:11:01.460 align:middle line:84% where I was protesting my innocence vehemently, 00:11:01.460 --> 00:11:05.520 align:middle line:84% and she left my office vowing never to darken my door again. 00:11:05.520 --> 00:11:07.880 align:middle line:84% And unfortunately for once in our worthless life 00:11:07.880 --> 00:11:09.890 align:middle line:90% that lady has kept her word. 00:11:09.890 --> 00:11:10.940 align:middle line:90% That was typical. 00:11:10.940 --> 00:11:12.893 align:middle line:84% Even the finest clock makers in the city 00:11:12.893 --> 00:11:14.060 align:middle line:90% couldn't locate the trouble. 00:11:14.060 --> 00:11:16.730 align:middle line:84% In fact, they couldn't find out there was any trouble. 00:11:16.730 --> 00:11:19.190 align:middle line:84% Every time a clock expert came around, 00:11:19.190 --> 00:11:21.620 align:middle line:84% the damn clock behaved perfectly, 00:11:21.620 --> 00:11:24.130 align:middle line:84% trying to make me look like a fool. 00:11:24.130 --> 00:11:25.910 align:middle line:90% That was not the worst part. 00:11:25.910 --> 00:11:29.780 align:middle line:84% That evil clock corrupted every other clock and watch I owned. 00:11:29.780 --> 00:11:32.090 align:middle line:84% None of them would keep the correct time or even 00:11:32.090 --> 00:11:33.440 align:middle line:90% the same time. 00:11:33.440 --> 00:11:36.590 align:middle line:84% I got to where I couldn't tell night from day anymore. 00:11:36.590 --> 00:11:39.410 align:middle line:84% And lots of them without warning or rhyme or reason 00:11:39.410 --> 00:11:44.690 align:middle line:84% began to sound off with cuckoo, cuckoo, Irving is cuckoo. 00:11:44.690 --> 00:11:48.380 align:middle line:84% Not only on the hour but any time they felt like it. 00:11:48.380 --> 00:11:52.160 align:middle line:84% Well, honorable sirs and ma'ams, enough is enough. 00:11:52.160 --> 00:11:54.380 align:middle line:84% Even the patience and goodwill of an agent 00:11:54.380 --> 00:11:56.240 align:middle line:90% is not inexhaustible. 00:11:56.240 --> 00:11:59.450 align:middle line:84% Therefore, one day I borrowed a fireman's ax 00:11:59.450 --> 00:12:02.330 align:middle line:84% and I chopped that clock into little bitty pieces. 00:12:02.330 --> 00:12:06.110 align:middle line:84% I put the pieces in a sack and I drove out to a remote place-- 00:12:06.110 --> 00:12:08.450 align:middle line:84% in a remote place in Central Park. 00:12:08.450 --> 00:12:11.390 align:middle line:84% I burned the clock and the works to ashes 00:12:11.390 --> 00:12:14.900 align:middle line:84% and then I urinated upon the ashes of it, 00:12:14.900 --> 00:12:18.290 align:middle line:84% which is how and why I had that unfortunate misunderstanding 00:12:18.290 --> 00:12:23.270 align:middle line:84% with the police, who happened along just about that time 00:12:23.270 --> 00:12:25.970 align:middle line:84% and lacking the necessary background information 00:12:25.970 --> 00:12:28.820 align:middle line:84% jump to a lot of erroneous conclusions. 00:12:28.820 --> 00:12:32.420 align:middle line:84% But I bear them no grudge and I don't 00:12:32.420 --> 00:12:35.090 align:middle line:84% bear that ungrateful ex client who called himself 00:12:35.090 --> 00:12:37.220 align:middle line:90% Jacob Quirk any grudge either. 00:12:37.220 --> 00:12:41.000 align:middle line:84% If there is such a person and he's out there somewhere today, 00:12:41.000 --> 00:12:44.150 align:middle line:84% I say unto him, Jake, I'm willing to let 00:12:44.150 --> 00:12:46.040 align:middle line:90% bygones be bygones. 00:12:46.040 --> 00:12:47.870 align:middle line:84% I'm willing to call it even Steven. 00:12:47.870 --> 00:12:50.120 align:middle line:90% It was a good trick Jake. 00:12:50.120 --> 00:12:52.290 align:middle line:84% I'll give you full credit for that. 00:12:52.290 --> 00:12:55.400 align:middle line:84% But please, Jake, please, I will be profoundly grateful to you 00:12:55.400 --> 00:12:57.020 align:middle line:84% if you will be so kind as to pick 00:12:57.020 --> 00:13:00.020 align:middle line:84% on somebody else for a while and leave me alone. 00:13:00.020 --> 00:13:02.810 align:middle line:84% Thank you very much for your attention ladies and gentlemen. 00:13:02.810 --> 00:13:04.940 align:middle line:90% I'll give you the same anytime. 00:13:04.940 --> 00:13:07.460 align:middle line:84% Drop in my office and see if I don't. 00:13:07.460 --> 00:13:09.500 align:middle line:90% My door is always open. 00:13:09.500 --> 00:13:10.760 align:middle line:90% Thank you very much. 00:13:10.760 --> 00:13:14.110 align:middle line:90% [CLAPPING] 00:13:14.110 --> 00:13:26.000 align:middle line:90%