WEBVTT

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Thank you, Mrs. Shelton.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I'm having
trouble but I'll solve it,

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I hope.

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You should have come up here
and put your arms around me.

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Something keeps
happening to this thing.

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Oh, I'm trying to attach
it in the wrong place.

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I'll catch up with the
20th century sometime.

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I think that has it.

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Can you hear me?

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It's pleasant to return
to this particular series.

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I think it's one
of the great ones.

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Somehow, Stephan has created an
enduring sort of institution.

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And I like it too
because I don't

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think a poet has to do a lot
of yakking about the poem

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to such an audience.

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He can get on with it.

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And I was talking
to Mrs. Shelton,

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and she suggested I start with
some children's poems, which

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I'm delighted to do because
I've been having a binge of them

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recently.

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Poems I want to read tonight
are all unpublished as yet.

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But I finished the Divine
Comedy in September or so.

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And I finished a long book
of autobiographical poems

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I want to read
some excerpts from.

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And suddenly, I began to
find myself compulsively

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writing children's poems or
some emotional shift I needed.

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And I don't know that anybody
wants to publish them.

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They say I'm too
rough on children.

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But if you are the father
of three teenagers,

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I don't think you'd
find it possible to be

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too rough on children.

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At least, that's my
impression at times.

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And I like to scold them in
what I hope is a friendly way.

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But sometimes, every
father feels this way.

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And there was a man
who lived in Perth.

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He had about five-dollars worth
of boys and girls at three

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for a dollar.

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The less they were worth,
the more they would holler.

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The more they would holler,
the less they were worth.

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For two cents cash,
I'd send you to Perth.

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[LAUGHTER]

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I got something out
of my system, you say.

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[LAUGHTER]

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And for some reason I rather,
I think I want this poem.

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My publisher isn't sure,
but he's always wrong.

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[LAUGHTER]

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It's called "Susie's New Dog."

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Your dog, what dog?

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You mean it?

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That?

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I was about to leave a
note pinned to a fish

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to warn my cat to watch
for a mouse in an overcoat.

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[LAUGHTER]

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So that's a dog?

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Is it any breed that
anyone ever knew?

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A guest?

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Oh, a flea terrier.

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Yes, indeed.

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Well, now, I am impressed.

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I guess no rabbit
will try your house

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or even cut through
your yard, not

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when he knows you
have a mouse, I mean,

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a dog like that on guard.

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You have to go?

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I'm glad you came.

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I don't see a thing like
that just every day.

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Does it have a name?

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Fang, eh?

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Well, I must warn my cat.

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[LAUGHTER]

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I know.

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This is too much for children.

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I'm learning to
adjust to things.

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Baxter Bickerbone
of Burlington used

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to be Sheriff till
he lost his gun, used

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to be a teacher till
he lost his school,

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used to be the iceman till
he lost his cool, used

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to be a husband till
he lost his wife,

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used to be alive till
he lost his life.

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When he got to heaven,
Baxter said, the climate's

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very healthy once you're
used to being dead.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Does that remind me of Tucson?

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[LAUGHTER]

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And this is a little
autobiographical note

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I want to impress on
my children on being

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too right to be polite.

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When I was a boy, I was
so good people from miles

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around would crowd
into our neighborhood

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and wait without a sound
from dawn to dark and half

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the night.

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And then again, next day, for
a chance to watch me be polite

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and perhaps to hear me
say please, and thank you,

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and how'd you do, and
would you be so kind,

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and oh, how very good
of you, and really,

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I don't mind, and watch
me serve the ladies tea,

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and help them with their coats.

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Some people filled up two
or three large notebooks

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full of notes on being good.

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One wrote a book on
what he learned from me.

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So many came that at last I
took to charging a modest fee.

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From dawn to dark and half
the night, and then again,

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next day, a nickel to watch me
be polite, a dime to hear me

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say please, and thank you, and
how'd you do, and would you

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be so kind, and oh, how very
good of you, and really,

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I don't mind.

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In a year or two and a day or
two, I became a millionaire.

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And the best of that,
as of course you knew,

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is that no one seems to
care about your manners

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when you are rich.

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And the rich care even less.

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And that's my tale.

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The moral of which I should
think even you might guess.

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You see, I'm having
some scolding fun.

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This one's called
"Thanks Anyhow."

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When I was a boy
in the Old Town,

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I lived on wax and cheese.

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I got the cheese
from a billy goat.

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I got the wax from bees.

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Dinner with a billy goat.

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Breakfast with the bees.

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What's for lunch?

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Banana peel.

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But first, you must say please.

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Dinner was bad and
breakfast worse.

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Lunch was alas a mess.

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I tried the food at your house.

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I liked it even less.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Dinner with a bunch of brats.

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Breakfast at the zoo.

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Never mind lunch.

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I'd rather munch cardboard
than eat with you.

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[LAUGHTER]

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This is a father's
revenge you see.

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[LAUGHTER]

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When happy little children run
to skip and dance and play,

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I often stop to watch
their fun and to smile when

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I hear them say, you skunk.

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You louse.

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You rat.

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You brat.

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Shut up.

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Get lost.

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Blab blab.

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Drop dead.

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Says who?

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Oh, yeah.

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If you say that once more,
I'll split your head.

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How sweet their
voices and how dare

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the way they skip
and dance, it makes

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me wish that dads were here to
warm the seats of their pants.

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[LAUGHTER]

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And this is a friend
of mine tells me

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as a piece of black
humor, but I'm not sure.

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Questions, questions, questions.

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What do you know?

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It's going to snow.

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How can you tell?

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By sniff and by smell.

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What do you sniff?

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The wind off the cliff.

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What do you smell?

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The ice in the well.

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What do they say?

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It's coming this way.

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How deep will it be?

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Two fathoms or three.

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What shall I do?

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Stay here till it's through.

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What shall I eat?

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Oxtail and pig's feet.

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Where shall I sleep?

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In the pen with the sheep.

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What if it gets colder?

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Put a lamb on your shoulder.

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What if it melts?

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You can go somewhere else.

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Then what will I get?

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Your feet good and wet.

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How will I drive them?

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Bring them here and I fry them.

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What of my dad?

00:07:45.270 --> 00:07:47.150 align:middle line:90%
He'll say they taste bad.

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What of my mother?

00:07:48.180 --> 00:07:49.800 align:middle line:90%
She'll cuddle your brother.

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What about you?

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I'll be glad when
you're through.

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[LAUGHTER]

00:07:54.810 --> 00:07:58.540 align:middle line:84%
Well, maybe one other and
going on to something else.

00:07:58.540 --> 00:08:02.460 align:middle line:84%
We all have thought
a lot about you.

00:08:02.460 --> 00:08:07.180 align:middle line:90%
220,523 registered local voters.

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Well, yes, including me.

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We're asked to vote in secret
on what to do with you.

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220,522 voted to put you in a
cage and throw away the key.

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That isn't quite
unanimous, but I

00:08:22.650 --> 00:08:25.920 align:middle line:84%
think you will agree that
as a test of sentiment,

00:08:25.920 --> 00:08:28.500 align:middle line:84%
the vote will surely
do to indicate

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what seems to be a rather
general view shared

00:08:32.130 --> 00:08:35.700 align:middle line:84%
by the mayor, the Alderman,
your teachers, the police,

00:08:35.700 --> 00:08:39.000 align:middle line:84%
the deputy dogcatcher, the
man who makes the keys,

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the man who makes the cages,
and the keeper of the zoo.

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You might say everyone in town
know that's not strictly true,

00:08:46.320 --> 00:08:50.190 align:middle line:84%
but almost everyone in town
takes a dim view of you.

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[LAUGHTER]

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You see, those
are release poems.

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I'm getting my revenge on my
kids before they leave home.

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