WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.400 align:middle line:84% I think I'm going to need a real drink up here. 00:00:02.400 --> 00:00:09.010 align:middle line:90% 00:00:09.010 --> 00:00:09.510 align:middle line:90% Hi. 00:00:09.510 --> 00:00:11.340 align:middle line:84% This is actually my first public reading 00:00:11.340 --> 00:00:15.390 align:middle line:84% and I'd like to thank Leslie for selecting me 00:00:15.390 --> 00:00:16.800 align:middle line:90% though I don't know why. 00:00:16.800 --> 00:00:21.870 align:middle line:84% I mean she's never actually read anything of mine 00:00:21.870 --> 00:00:24.885 align:middle line:84% except for a few smutty letters that I wrote to her years ago. 00:00:24.885 --> 00:00:28.980 align:middle line:90% 00:00:28.980 --> 00:00:32.940 align:middle line:84% And earlier in the evening people 00:00:32.940 --> 00:00:35.700 align:middle line:90% asked how Leslie and I met. 00:00:35.700 --> 00:00:40.110 align:middle line:84% Well, we did have a very unnecessary affair 00:00:40.110 --> 00:00:40.905 align:middle line:90% when I was 18. 00:00:40.905 --> 00:00:43.800 align:middle line:90% 00:00:43.800 --> 00:00:47.250 align:middle line:84% I wanted a signature on a book and she gave me something else. 00:00:47.250 --> 00:00:51.750 align:middle line:90% 00:00:51.750 --> 00:00:54.450 align:middle line:84% See, I'm quite nervous, we just roamed 00:00:54.450 --> 00:00:58.530 align:middle line:84% around the campus or this little circle for like 10 minutes 00:00:58.530 --> 00:01:01.620 align:middle line:84% and no one told us it was frat rush night 00:01:01.620 --> 00:01:04.170 align:middle line:84% and you don't do those things to three gay men in a car, 00:01:04.170 --> 00:01:06.120 align:middle line:90% you're just like. 00:01:06.120 --> 00:01:08.490 align:middle line:84% So we feel that we were lost, right. 00:01:08.490 --> 00:01:10.980 align:middle line:84% Hi, can you give us directions to the Modern Language 00:01:10.980 --> 00:01:12.180 align:middle line:90% Association building. 00:01:12.180 --> 00:01:14.630 align:middle line:84% And to our complete disappointment, 00:01:14.630 --> 00:01:17.130 align:middle line:84% those frat boys knew where the Modern Language building was. 00:01:17.130 --> 00:01:21.480 align:middle line:90% 00:01:21.480 --> 00:01:24.300 align:middle line:84% Well, I'm sorry I don't have poetry tonight, 00:01:24.300 --> 00:01:28.000 align:middle line:84% actually I stopped writing poetry some time ago. 00:01:28.000 --> 00:01:31.500 align:middle line:84% So I do have an essay that I'd like to read. 00:01:31.500 --> 00:01:33.500 align:middle line:90% It is about my father. 00:01:33.500 --> 00:01:35.568 align:middle line:84% I can just see you grown, another gay man writing 00:01:35.568 --> 00:01:36.360 align:middle line:90% about their father. 00:01:36.360 --> 00:01:40.230 align:middle line:90% 00:01:40.230 --> 00:01:41.940 align:middle line:90% OK, this one is called "Sire." 00:01:41.940 --> 00:01:45.060 align:middle line:90% 00:01:45.060 --> 00:01:47.640 align:middle line:84% He's a man my sisters and brothers call dad, 00:01:47.640 --> 00:01:51.570 align:middle line:84% but who I often address as Ross or Sire in conversation. 00:01:51.570 --> 00:01:54.690 align:middle line:84% He's sire for he sired more than 17 children. 00:01:54.690 --> 00:01:57.870 align:middle line:84% How else is one to describe producing so many children. 00:01:57.870 --> 00:02:00.900 align:middle line:84% I say more than 17 because some time ago I 00:02:00.900 --> 00:02:02.640 align:middle line:84% met another one of my father's children 00:02:02.640 --> 00:02:04.680 align:middle line:84% and I do not know how many more of his children 00:02:04.680 --> 00:02:07.140 align:middle line:90% are roaming North America. 00:02:07.140 --> 00:02:10.020 align:middle line:84% This encounter did not shock me, but it did surprise me. 00:02:10.020 --> 00:02:13.860 align:middle line:84% And why I reacted in such a confusing way, I do not know. 00:02:13.860 --> 00:02:16.500 align:middle line:84% That large family is clear indication that my father 00:02:16.500 --> 00:02:18.990 align:middle line:84% enjoyed sex and sex is the only act which 00:02:18.990 --> 00:02:22.080 align:middle line:84% produces legitimate and illegitimate children. 00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:24.540 align:middle line:84% I do not judge this for I do not have the moral authority 00:02:24.540 --> 00:02:27.030 align:middle line:84% to deem frequent sex with one's own wife 00:02:27.030 --> 00:02:29.610 align:middle line:84% and frequent sex with women other than one's own wife 00:02:29.610 --> 00:02:30.600 align:middle line:90% wrong. 00:02:30.600 --> 00:02:32.770 align:middle line:90% I am certain of this. 00:02:32.770 --> 00:02:34.530 align:middle line:84% And so I have always known my family 00:02:34.530 --> 00:02:37.620 align:middle line:84% only to include Ross's and 16 other children with whom 00:02:37.620 --> 00:02:39.090 align:middle line:90% I grew up. 00:02:39.090 --> 00:02:41.730 align:middle line:84% I do not consider Ross's other children, those with whom 00:02:41.730 --> 00:02:44.730 align:middle line:90% I did not grow up as my family. 00:02:44.730 --> 00:02:47.130 align:middle line:84% They interest me only as biological specimen 00:02:47.130 --> 00:02:49.950 align:middle line:84% whose fate could have been mine considering my father's 00:02:49.950 --> 00:02:51.240 align:middle line:90% sexual appetite. 00:02:51.240 --> 00:02:54.930 align:middle line:84% This is not an entirely unlikely thing to ponder. 00:02:54.930 --> 00:02:57.510 align:middle line:84% I do not know if my sisters and brothers with whom I grew up 00:02:57.510 --> 00:03:01.050 align:middle line:84% share my sentimental definition of who comprises my family. 00:03:01.050 --> 00:03:03.690 align:middle line:84% Probably not, they have subjected themselves 00:03:03.690 --> 00:03:05.970 align:middle line:90% to other kinds of families. 00:03:05.970 --> 00:03:08.700 align:middle line:84% For some reason unknown to me, the fact 00:03:08.700 --> 00:03:10.650 align:middle line:84% that my family is large seems to wrinkle 00:03:10.650 --> 00:03:13.170 align:middle line:84% and rile respectable citizens, at least 00:03:13.170 --> 00:03:16.440 align:middle line:90% that is how they see themselves. 00:03:16.440 --> 00:03:19.320 align:middle line:84% Some years ago, a woman penned my brother Richard 00:03:19.320 --> 00:03:22.680 align:middle line:84% a letter scolding him for the demographics of his family. 00:03:22.680 --> 00:03:25.590 align:middle line:84% She pointed to things like contraception, economics, 00:03:25.590 --> 00:03:28.590 align:middle line:84% population density, land sustainability, 00:03:28.590 --> 00:03:30.300 align:middle line:90% and food shortages. 00:03:30.300 --> 00:03:32.130 align:middle line:84% I do not disagree with the woman, 00:03:32.130 --> 00:03:35.370 align:middle line:84% some of her anxiety over the matters and her observations 00:03:35.370 --> 00:03:36.300 align:middle line:90% are true. 00:03:36.300 --> 00:03:38.160 align:middle line:84% Surely producing more children than one 00:03:38.160 --> 00:03:40.320 align:middle line:84% can afford perhaps even love might 00:03:40.320 --> 00:03:44.550 align:middle line:84% be unnerving to people who are concerned about such things. 00:03:44.550 --> 00:03:47.830 align:middle line:84% I can see that this woman has a right to think as she does. 00:03:47.830 --> 00:03:50.520 align:middle line:84% But let me tell you something about people like her, 00:03:50.520 --> 00:03:52.590 align:middle line:84% these kinds of people are very rude 00:03:52.590 --> 00:03:54.240 align:middle line:84% and their rudeness qualifies them 00:03:54.240 --> 00:03:58.020 align:middle line:84% as bad people and bad people according to Western beliefs 00:03:58.020 --> 00:04:02.430 align:middle line:84% go to hell without question and perfectly 00:04:02.430 --> 00:04:03.945 align:middle line:90% and preferably without delay. 00:04:03.945 --> 00:04:06.570 align:middle line:90% 00:04:06.570 --> 00:04:08.820 align:middle line:84% In this particular instance, Western thought 00:04:08.820 --> 00:04:11.280 align:middle line:84% is something to be admired because it gives me 00:04:11.280 --> 00:04:14.070 align:middle line:90% a petty victory. 00:04:14.070 --> 00:04:16.500 align:middle line:84% I am sure all the mean thoughts I have for this woman 00:04:16.500 --> 00:04:20.550 align:middle line:84% is in bad taste, but I like bad taste. 00:04:20.550 --> 00:04:22.380 align:middle line:84% Why should I become defensive about someone 00:04:22.380 --> 00:04:25.740 align:middle line:84% other than myself pointing out Ross's faults baffles me 00:04:25.740 --> 00:04:29.100 align:middle line:84% for I am not partial to him and I'm not particularly protective 00:04:29.100 --> 00:04:29.790 align:middle line:90% of him. 00:04:29.790 --> 00:04:31.950 align:middle line:84% He was not and is not the kind of father 00:04:31.950 --> 00:04:34.110 align:middle line:90% about which sons daydream. 00:04:34.110 --> 00:04:36.570 align:middle line:84% I do not remember being instructed by him, 00:04:36.570 --> 00:04:39.810 align:middle line:84% graphing orders to perform some task is not an instruction, 00:04:39.810 --> 00:04:42.870 align:middle line:84% or complimented by him acknowledging my presence 00:04:42.870 --> 00:04:45.510 align:middle line:90% or absence will not do. 00:04:45.510 --> 00:04:48.300 align:middle line:84% I admit, I am not a good son by his standards. 00:04:48.300 --> 00:04:50.970 align:middle line:84% I am a disappointment, more disappointing 00:04:50.970 --> 00:04:53.160 align:middle line:84% than his other sons who drink too much, 00:04:53.160 --> 00:04:55.560 align:middle line:84% who commit adultery, who eat peyote, 00:04:55.560 --> 00:05:00.050 align:middle line:84% who convert to Christianity, or who marry unsavory women. 00:05:00.050 --> 00:05:02.600 align:middle line:84% At last these things are excusable 00:05:02.600 --> 00:05:05.780 align:middle line:84% because these other sons are skilled shepherds and ranchers 00:05:05.780 --> 00:05:07.730 align:middle line:84% and carpenters, things that matter 00:05:07.730 --> 00:05:11.720 align:middle line:84% on the reservation, things that I am not. 00:05:11.720 --> 00:05:13.250 align:middle line:90% I have no comparable skills. 00:05:13.250 --> 00:05:16.640 align:middle line:84% I can improve English grammar, but what a complete sentence 00:05:16.640 --> 00:05:18.215 align:middle line:90% is compared to a well-fed cow. 00:05:18.215 --> 00:05:24.460 align:middle line:90% 00:05:24.460 --> 00:05:25.930 align:middle line:90% I'm completely shaking up here. 00:05:25.930 --> 00:05:30.030 align:middle line:90% 00:05:30.030 --> 00:05:32.860 align:middle line:84% But it's a cliche to claim not to know one's parents, 00:05:32.860 --> 00:05:36.370 align:middle line:84% but how about somebody to describe myself. 00:05:36.370 --> 00:05:38.350 align:middle line:84% I know this because I was school with people 00:05:38.350 --> 00:05:40.900 align:middle line:84% who were full of not knowing their parents. 00:05:40.900 --> 00:05:43.450 align:middle line:84% Still this is particularly true in my case. 00:05:43.450 --> 00:05:46.990 align:middle line:84% Ross and I are separated by time and reality and language. 00:05:46.990 --> 00:05:48.940 align:middle line:90% He is 82, I am not. 00:05:48.940 --> 00:05:51.970 align:middle line:84% He trusts the goodness of living, I do not. 00:05:51.970 --> 00:05:54.310 align:middle line:84% He knows the Navajo reservation, the language, 00:05:54.310 --> 00:05:57.430 align:middle line:84% and its cultural baggage, I know the American landscape, 00:05:57.430 --> 00:05:59.590 align:middle line:84% its language, and its cultural baggage. 00:05:59.590 --> 00:06:03.700 align:middle line:84% In part this predicament can be attributed to American history. 00:06:03.700 --> 00:06:06.410 align:middle line:84% For those of you ignorant of America and its history, 00:06:06.410 --> 00:06:09.220 align:middle line:84% and there are many of you, the American government, that 00:06:09.220 --> 00:06:11.200 align:middle line:84% is to say Americans, to be frank, 00:06:11.200 --> 00:06:15.580 align:middle line:84% white people not so long ago decided that native cultures 00:06:15.580 --> 00:06:19.870 align:middle line:84% were very bad, a native language is were vague, 00:06:19.870 --> 00:06:21.760 align:middle line:90% and try to eradicate them. 00:06:21.760 --> 00:06:23.650 align:middle line:84% This valiant effort failed and the result 00:06:23.650 --> 00:06:28.120 align:middle line:84% was people like Ross and I. This is the easy part to pinpoint. 00:06:28.120 --> 00:06:29.860 align:middle line:84% The other part, the part that involves 00:06:29.860 --> 00:06:33.040 align:middle line:84% Ross and I as human beings, as father and son, 00:06:33.040 --> 00:06:34.555 align:middle line:84% as an altogether different matter. 00:06:34.555 --> 00:06:37.390 align:middle line:90% 00:06:37.390 --> 00:06:40.810 align:middle line:84% Ross's years, his life before me is hazy. 00:06:40.810 --> 00:06:43.720 align:middle line:84% This haze is not uncommon between parent and child. 00:06:43.720 --> 00:06:46.030 align:middle line:84% For instance, the date of Ross's birth 00:06:46.030 --> 00:06:47.740 align:middle line:90% is in an unreliable thing. 00:06:47.740 --> 00:06:49.970 align:middle line:84% This kind of confusion is not unusual 00:06:49.970 --> 00:06:52.600 align:middle line:84% though for the Bureau of Indian Affairs 00:06:52.600 --> 00:06:55.630 align:middle line:84% is notorious for clerical errors. 00:06:55.630 --> 00:06:58.030 align:middle line:84% It is likely the person who labored his life away 00:06:58.030 --> 00:07:01.090 align:middle line:84% in a BIA office simply did not know the year. 00:07:01.090 --> 00:07:04.090 align:middle line:84% And again I say this, this is a generous observation 00:07:04.090 --> 00:07:05.500 align:middle line:90% on my part. 00:07:05.500 --> 00:07:07.840 align:middle line:84% As a result, Ross's birth certificate 00:07:07.840 --> 00:07:10.600 align:middle line:84% notes the year of his birth as 1921, 00:07:10.600 --> 00:07:12.730 align:middle line:84% yet Ross's parents told him he was 00:07:12.730 --> 00:07:15.070 align:middle line:90% born the year the stars fell. 00:07:15.070 --> 00:07:19.510 align:middle line:84% An educated guess places this during the year in 1917, 00:07:19.510 --> 00:07:21.490 align:middle line:84% a year a startling meteor shower filled 00:07:21.490 --> 00:07:23.380 align:middle line:84% the night sky which people on the mountains 00:07:23.380 --> 00:07:24.970 align:middle line:90% I come from witnessed. 00:07:24.970 --> 00:07:27.580 align:middle line:90% 00:07:27.580 --> 00:07:30.130 align:middle line:84% You may ask yourself why am I bent by the small error 00:07:30.130 --> 00:07:31.360 align:middle line:90% in a birth record. 00:07:31.360 --> 00:07:33.850 align:middle line:84% Surely, the error was not his fault and it cannot be 00:07:33.850 --> 00:07:34.960 align:middle line:90% rectified. 00:07:34.960 --> 00:07:38.230 align:middle line:84% Well, here is this, when someone's proper age is not 00:07:38.230 --> 00:07:41.200 align:middle line:84% known as a reliable fact, then it is a very bad 00:07:41.200 --> 00:07:44.080 align:middle line:84% or at least a small omen that this person will always 00:07:44.080 --> 00:07:46.840 align:middle line:84% be unknowable in a small degree to himself 00:07:46.840 --> 00:07:49.030 align:middle line:84% or to a big degree to others, perhaps, 00:07:49.030 --> 00:07:50.320 align:middle line:90% to someone like his son. 00:07:50.320 --> 00:07:53.080 align:middle line:90% 00:07:53.080 --> 00:07:55.150 align:middle line:84% Somewhere between his birth and my own appearance 00:07:55.150 --> 00:07:58.430 align:middle line:84% into the world, there's this other person. 00:07:58.430 --> 00:07:59.380 align:middle line:90% Her name is Rachel. 00:07:59.380 --> 00:08:01.480 align:middle line:84% She is the woman with whom my father fell in love 00:08:01.480 --> 00:08:02.140 align:middle line:90% and married. 00:08:02.140 --> 00:08:04.810 align:middle line:84% I cannot tell if Rachel was his first love. 00:08:04.810 --> 00:08:10.750 align:middle line:84% It is unlikely for he was 23 and she was 12 when they married. 00:08:10.750 --> 00:08:13.480 align:middle line:84% Because of her youth and her life with Ross, 00:08:13.480 --> 00:08:17.260 align:middle line:84% Rachel perhaps never knew Ross best. 00:08:17.260 --> 00:08:22.630 align:middle line:84% Well, poor Mary Kay Letourneau, she followed my mother. 00:08:22.630 --> 00:08:25.540 align:middle line:90% 00:08:25.540 --> 00:08:28.660 align:middle line:84% Ross and Rachel's first meeting sounds like a cliche and now 00:08:28.660 --> 00:08:29.590 align:middle line:90% for life. 00:08:29.590 --> 00:08:33.309 align:middle line:84% But as a story I was told, I was not interested in the event, 00:08:33.309 --> 00:08:37.570 align:middle line:84% rather I was curious about the bad behavior surrounding it. 00:08:37.570 --> 00:08:39.669 align:middle line:90% I was sure they behaved badly. 00:08:39.669 --> 00:08:41.770 align:middle line:84% At the time I had inquired, I was 00:08:41.770 --> 00:08:43.630 align:middle line:84% beginning to understand and trust 00:08:43.630 --> 00:08:47.470 align:middle line:84% that despite culture and geography 00:08:47.470 --> 00:08:51.280 align:middle line:84% human beings without question, without doubt behave badly. 00:08:51.280 --> 00:08:54.490 align:middle line:84% Instead, Rachel told me this lean and brief and completely 00:08:54.490 --> 00:08:57.520 align:middle line:90% unsatisfactory story. 00:08:57.520 --> 00:09:00.430 align:middle line:84% Your father, I met while I was sheep herding. 00:09:00.430 --> 00:09:02.410 align:middle line:84% After that, once in a while he would bring me 00:09:02.410 --> 00:09:05.470 align:middle line:90% candy and material for dresses. 00:09:05.470 --> 00:09:09.010 align:middle line:84% I remember he would often bring calico. 00:09:09.010 --> 00:09:12.460 align:middle line:84% Well, if you can find fault with that. 00:09:12.460 --> 00:09:15.070 align:middle line:84% Ross was a young man then working on the railroad 00:09:15.070 --> 00:09:18.740 align:middle line:84% and picking crops, traveling to places he had never been. 00:09:18.740 --> 00:09:22.060 align:middle line:84% Then he found someone with whom he desired to share his life. 00:09:22.060 --> 00:09:25.390 align:middle line:84% Nevertheless, someone did find fault. These someones were 00:09:25.390 --> 00:09:27.050 align:middle line:90% members of Ross's family. 00:09:27.050 --> 00:09:29.020 align:middle line:90% They found fault in her family. 00:09:29.020 --> 00:09:31.660 align:middle line:84% Rachel's family is a family of medicine people. 00:09:31.660 --> 00:09:33.310 align:middle line:84% Both her parents and her grandparents 00:09:33.310 --> 00:09:36.070 align:middle line:84% knew several ceremonies, chiefly the mountaintop 00:09:36.070 --> 00:09:39.033 align:middle line:84% way, the great star chant, and the waterway. 00:09:39.033 --> 00:09:40.450 align:middle line:84% From when I am told these are sort 00:09:40.450 --> 00:09:44.530 align:middle line:84% of what people would call esoteric ceremonies. 00:09:44.530 --> 00:09:47.590 align:middle line:84% Rachel's family was also notorious for its drinking. 00:09:47.590 --> 00:09:50.050 align:middle line:84% Her grandmother was half Mexican, raped 00:09:50.050 --> 00:09:52.015 align:middle line:90% by a soldier or maybe a bandit. 00:09:52.015 --> 00:09:55.402 align:middle line:90% 00:09:55.402 --> 00:09:59.260 align:middle line:84% From then on she was always an outlaw. 00:09:59.260 --> 00:10:01.360 align:middle line:84% She was the first person in the Cascade Mountains 00:10:01.360 --> 00:10:03.010 align:middle line:90% to own a whiskey distillery. 00:10:03.010 --> 00:10:05.950 align:middle line:84% These two things, alcohol and ceremonial knowledge, 00:10:05.950 --> 00:10:10.180 align:middle line:84% when paired place people under suspicion and scrutiny. 00:10:10.180 --> 00:10:13.330 align:middle line:84% I cannot know whether my father's family disliked 00:10:13.330 --> 00:10:16.970 align:middle line:84% the alcohol consumption or the ceremonial knowledge more. 00:10:16.970 --> 00:10:19.690 align:middle line:84% I suspect they focus on the alcohol consumption, 00:10:19.690 --> 00:10:21.520 align:middle line:84% but they dislike the ceremonial knowledge 00:10:21.520 --> 00:10:25.120 align:middle line:84% most for Ross's family has no ceremonial knowledge, 00:10:25.120 --> 00:10:28.360 align:middle line:84% even Ross has pointed out this lack many times. 00:10:28.360 --> 00:10:30.250 align:middle line:84% The contention about ceremonial knowledge 00:10:30.250 --> 00:10:32.590 align:middle line:84% is that healing and witchery are two things not 00:10:32.590 --> 00:10:34.370 align:middle line:90% so different from one another. 00:10:34.370 --> 00:10:37.450 align:middle line:84% And when ceremonial knowledge is coupled with alcohol, 00:10:37.450 --> 00:10:40.720 align:middle line:84% good judgment might lapse and great or petty revenge 00:10:40.720 --> 00:10:43.760 align:middle line:84% for great or petty reasons might be taken on people, 00:10:43.760 --> 00:10:44.725 align:middle line:90% particularly in-laws. 00:10:44.725 --> 00:10:47.830 align:middle line:90% 00:10:47.830 --> 00:10:49.600 align:middle line:84% On the other hand, Ross and his family 00:10:49.600 --> 00:10:52.150 align:middle line:84% had land, even now they have more land 00:10:52.150 --> 00:10:54.520 align:middle line:84% than all of the other families in Crystal. 00:10:54.520 --> 00:10:57.040 align:middle line:84% The loss of family property was a major concern 00:10:57.040 --> 00:10:59.920 align:middle line:84% as it always is when people marry. 00:10:59.920 --> 00:11:03.140 align:middle line:84% Despite the ballyhoo, Ross and Rachel married. 00:11:03.140 --> 00:11:05.440 align:middle line:84% Whether the occasion was joyous or celebratory, 00:11:05.440 --> 00:11:08.920 align:middle line:84% it's not known by me or by anyone I know. 00:11:08.920 --> 00:11:11.290 align:middle line:84% Ross might remember but he is reluctant to talk 00:11:11.290 --> 00:11:13.840 align:middle line:90% to anyone about the event. 00:11:13.840 --> 00:11:16.300 align:middle line:84% With the marriage, much land, perhaps too 00:11:16.300 --> 00:11:19.330 align:middle line:84% much land for Rachel brought land into the marriage too, 00:11:19.330 --> 00:11:23.050 align:middle line:84% came under the control of two people. 00:11:23.050 --> 00:11:28.300 align:middle line:84% After a brief time all the usual things involved 00:11:28.300 --> 00:11:31.540 align:middle line:84% in starting a family happened, children and more children 00:11:31.540 --> 00:11:36.190 align:middle line:84% and several more children, in the end there were 17 of us. 00:11:36.190 --> 00:11:39.100 align:middle line:84% Somewhere along the way, perhaps because Ross and Rachel were 00:11:39.100 --> 00:11:41.770 align:middle line:84% prosperous, he worked at the tribal sawmill 00:11:41.770 --> 00:11:46.600 align:middle line:84% and she will rugs, they were accused of witchery. 00:11:46.600 --> 00:11:51.040 align:middle line:84% These accusations came from both Ross and Rachel's relatives. 00:11:51.040 --> 00:11:53.950 align:middle line:84% I cannot say with certainty that they are false or that they are 00:11:53.950 --> 00:11:56.710 align:middle line:84% true, but it's likely that they are partially true 00:11:56.710 --> 00:11:58.240 align:middle line:90% and partially false. 00:11:58.240 --> 00:12:00.370 align:middle line:84% My elder brothers and sisters know something 00:12:00.370 --> 00:12:03.070 align:middle line:84% about this time in Ross and Rachel's lives, 00:12:03.070 --> 00:12:05.020 align:middle line:84% but they will not discuss the matter. 00:12:05.020 --> 00:12:06.850 align:middle line:84% I do not know why they are secret, 00:12:06.850 --> 00:12:09.280 align:middle line:84% it is something I will never know. 00:12:09.280 --> 00:12:12.715 align:middle line:84% Again, I think this is because people often behave badly. 00:12:12.715 --> 00:12:22.560 align:middle line:90% 00:12:22.560 --> 00:12:26.290 align:middle line:84% One thing, this is a work from a longer essay. 00:12:26.290 --> 00:12:30.000 align:middle line:84% So I'm going to be switching back and forth with it. 00:12:30.000 --> 00:12:32.730 align:middle line:84% Ross's relatives, his father, his mother, his brother, 00:12:32.730 --> 00:12:35.760 align:middle line:84% his sisters are people who are largely unknown to me. 00:12:35.760 --> 00:12:39.600 align:middle line:84% On the BIA census card, there are 12 siblings listed and only 00:12:39.600 --> 00:12:41.910 align:middle line:90% one father and only one mother. 00:12:41.910 --> 00:12:46.200 align:middle line:84% Of these 12 I know two personally, Grace and Alvin. 00:12:46.200 --> 00:12:49.170 align:middle line:84% I have met others, Jerry and Tom. 00:12:49.170 --> 00:12:50.850 align:middle line:90% One of these two is the eldest. 00:12:50.850 --> 00:12:53.310 align:middle line:84% Jerry moved from Crystal a long time ago, 00:12:53.310 --> 00:12:55.620 align:middle line:84% Tom moved from Crystal a long time ago. 00:12:55.620 --> 00:13:00.120 align:middle line:84% I understand this need to remove oneself from family in Crystal. 00:13:00.120 --> 00:13:03.180 align:middle line:84% The first became a Mormon and lived as a farmer, 00:13:03.180 --> 00:13:05.460 align:middle line:84% the other followed the Native American church 00:13:05.460 --> 00:13:07.710 align:middle line:90% and lived as a rancher. 00:13:07.710 --> 00:13:10.200 align:middle line:84% I cannot tell you much else about these individuals, 00:13:10.200 --> 00:13:11.970 align:middle line:90% this is just as well. 00:13:11.970 --> 00:13:14.430 align:middle line:84% They do not concern me in any meaningful way. 00:13:14.430 --> 00:13:18.060 align:middle line:84% They are Ross's brothers, they belong to him. 00:13:18.060 --> 00:13:20.430 align:middle line:84% They are my uncles only because someone pointed out 00:13:20.430 --> 00:13:23.640 align:middle line:84% this fact of biology, this construct of culture to me 00:13:23.640 --> 00:13:25.770 align:middle line:90% and I accepted it. 00:13:25.770 --> 00:13:27.930 align:middle line:84% This is not true with Alvin and Grace. 00:13:27.930 --> 00:13:30.540 align:middle line:84% These two people I have come to respect in a very 00:13:30.540 --> 00:13:32.730 align:middle line:90% limited and reserved manner. 00:13:32.730 --> 00:13:35.490 align:middle line:84% I have accepted them as uncle and aunt, not as 00:13:35.490 --> 00:13:39.270 align:middle line:84% individuals who are related to me by biology, by culture. 00:13:39.270 --> 00:13:42.250 align:middle line:84% I have accepted them because they were present in my youth. 00:13:42.250 --> 00:13:45.570 align:middle line:84% They were present with horses to ride and gingersnap cookies 00:13:45.570 --> 00:13:46.830 align:middle line:90% to eat. 00:13:46.830 --> 00:13:49.110 align:middle line:84% Now understand this, what I just said 00:13:49.110 --> 00:13:51.210 align:middle line:84% I know is a sentimental recollection. 00:13:51.210 --> 00:13:55.750 align:middle line:84% I understand it is nostalgic, yet it is a true statement. 00:13:55.750 --> 00:13:58.320 align:middle line:84% As with all things, there is the other version. 00:13:58.320 --> 00:14:01.020 align:middle line:84% Thank you, Cameron, for that line today. 00:14:01.020 --> 00:14:04.590 align:middle line:84% Ross's sibling can be unmerciful in their cruelty. 00:14:04.590 --> 00:14:05.700 align:middle line:90% Here is this. 00:14:05.700 --> 00:14:09.150 align:middle line:84% After a brief visit to Crystal, I transported grace back 00:14:09.150 --> 00:14:12.150 align:middle line:84% to Gallup New Mexico where they are residents in an adult care 00:14:12.150 --> 00:14:14.550 align:middle line:90% center, a nursing home really. 00:14:14.550 --> 00:14:17.130 align:middle line:84% On the way there, she advised me on various matters 00:14:17.130 --> 00:14:21.570 align:middle line:84% in my life, money, a home, a vehicle, a marriage, livestock. 00:14:21.570 --> 00:14:24.090 align:middle line:84% These are usual matters which concern an aging now 00:14:24.090 --> 00:14:26.130 align:middle line:90% for a woman like Grace. 00:14:26.130 --> 00:14:27.720 align:middle line:90% Excuse me. 00:14:27.720 --> 00:14:29.100 align:middle line:84% Of course, this is something I am 00:14:29.100 --> 00:14:31.140 align:middle line:84% assuming I really do not know what 00:14:31.140 --> 00:14:33.540 align:middle line:90% concerns a person like Grace. 00:14:33.540 --> 00:14:37.020 align:middle line:84% Still, Grace's speech, the directive of it, 00:14:37.020 --> 00:14:39.480 align:middle line:84% the commandment of it, that do this and to do this 00:14:39.480 --> 00:14:42.420 align:middle line:84% and only this way of it was familiar for she 00:14:42.420 --> 00:14:44.520 align:middle line:84% and her brothers Ross and Alvin have 00:14:44.520 --> 00:14:48.090 align:middle line:84% recited this litany as to us their children many times. 00:14:48.090 --> 00:14:50.640 align:middle line:84% Some of us listen and some of us did not. 00:14:50.640 --> 00:14:53.550 align:middle line:84% And let me, this phrase, let me just repeat it, some of us 00:14:53.550 --> 00:14:57.810 align:middle line:84% listen and some of us did not, we just did not. 00:14:57.810 --> 00:15:00.240 align:middle line:84% This particular speech is never nice to hear because 00:15:00.240 --> 00:15:03.150 align:middle line:84% like all things Grace and Ross and Alvin say, 00:15:03.150 --> 00:15:05.160 align:middle line:84% they say it in the Navajo language 00:15:05.160 --> 00:15:07.590 align:middle line:84% and the Navajo language bears the straight and sting 00:15:07.590 --> 00:15:09.540 align:middle line:90% of strict authority. 00:15:09.540 --> 00:15:12.280 align:middle line:84% Each time I hear the speech, I am humble, 00:15:12.280 --> 00:15:14.940 align:middle line:84% this humbling happens because the reality 00:15:14.940 --> 00:15:17.160 align:middle line:84% I know, the reservation I know best 00:15:17.160 --> 00:15:19.860 align:middle line:84% has survived from one decade to the next because 00:15:19.860 --> 00:15:22.020 align:middle line:90% of those things. 00:15:22.020 --> 00:15:23.910 align:middle line:90% Oh God, I need a drink. 00:15:23.910 --> 00:15:27.105 align:middle line:90% 00:15:27.105 --> 00:15:28.230 align:middle line:90% Why did they give us water. 00:15:28.230 --> 00:15:32.330 align:middle line:90% 00:15:32.330 --> 00:15:35.780 align:middle line:84% Well, transporting aunt Grace back to Gallop, 00:15:35.780 --> 00:15:37.760 align:middle line:84% she commented along with all the other things 00:15:37.760 --> 00:15:40.910 align:middle line:84% which concerned her that I should leave alcohol alone, 00:15:40.910 --> 00:15:46.130 align:middle line:84% that I should have other drugs, that I should leave drugs 00:15:46.130 --> 00:15:46.790 align:middle line:90% alone. 00:15:46.790 --> 00:15:49.190 align:middle line:84% I did not agree and I did not disagree, 00:15:49.190 --> 00:15:51.770 align:middle line:90% I nodded, I acknowledged her. 00:15:51.770 --> 00:15:55.910 align:middle line:84% Then she said this, "All your maternal relatives, 00:15:55.910 --> 00:15:57.830 align:middle line:84% the [? Toadlenas ?],, died because 00:15:57.830 --> 00:16:01.250 align:middle line:90% of alcohol, Rachel's family." 00:16:01.250 --> 00:16:04.370 align:middle line:84% This translation, the English of it carries no meaning for me 00:16:04.370 --> 00:16:08.150 align:middle line:84% really, yet to hear the same thing and now for me is this, 00:16:08.150 --> 00:16:09.800 align:middle line:84% "The [? Toadlenas ?],, your mother, 00:16:09.800 --> 00:16:11.840 align:middle line:84% your mother's sister, your mother's mother, 00:16:11.840 --> 00:16:14.090 align:middle line:84% your mother's father, your mother's grandmother 00:16:14.090 --> 00:16:17.720 align:middle line:84% were drunks who drank themselves to an early death. 00:16:17.720 --> 00:16:18.600 align:middle line:90% There is more to it." 00:16:18.600 --> 00:16:21.080 align:middle line:84% Aunt Grace said, to have your elders particularly 00:16:21.080 --> 00:16:23.090 align:middle line:84% your maternal elders abandoning you 00:16:23.090 --> 00:16:26.960 align:middle line:84% as a source of shame and disgrace. 00:16:26.960 --> 00:16:28.985 align:middle line:84% This abandonment in the specific way 00:16:28.985 --> 00:16:32.150 align:middle line:84% is notoriously shameful and notoriously disgraceful. 00:16:32.150 --> 00:16:35.090 align:middle line:84% I thought to myself, Oh why could not 00:16:35.090 --> 00:16:37.760 align:middle line:84% my maternal relatives have been drunks who live long lives. 00:16:37.760 --> 00:16:40.310 align:middle line:90% 00:16:40.310 --> 00:16:44.870 align:middle line:84% The things money, home, vehicle, marriage, lifestyle, alcohol, 00:16:44.870 --> 00:16:47.690 align:middle line:84% drugs which concerned Grace and her brothers 00:16:47.690 --> 00:16:49.940 align:middle line:84% do not concern me or they concern me 00:16:49.940 --> 00:16:52.490 align:middle line:90% in a very limited way. 00:16:52.490 --> 00:16:56.840 align:middle line:84% I earn a small income, I am a teacher, I do not own a home, 00:16:56.840 --> 00:17:00.230 align:middle line:84% I live in an apartment, I drive my sister's vehicle, 00:17:00.230 --> 00:17:03.290 align:middle line:84% I am not married, I cannot stand livestock, 00:17:03.290 --> 00:17:05.359 align:middle line:84% I drink more than my share of liquor, 00:17:05.359 --> 00:17:09.650 align:middle line:84% I use drugs when I can afford them. 00:17:09.650 --> 00:17:12.140 align:middle line:84% These things do not concern me, they concern Grace, 00:17:12.140 --> 00:17:14.390 align:middle line:84% they concern Ross, they concern Alvin, 00:17:14.390 --> 00:17:18.560 align:middle line:84% they concern people other than myself. 00:17:18.560 --> 00:17:21.140 align:middle line:84% Yet and yet again there is this contradiction 00:17:21.140 --> 00:17:23.089 align:middle line:84% the things my aunt Grace said about being 00:17:23.089 --> 00:17:26.869 align:middle line:84% abandoned by my maternal relatives sort of wounded me. 00:17:26.869 --> 00:17:28.550 align:middle line:84% My aunt Grace does not understand 00:17:28.550 --> 00:17:31.160 align:middle line:84% this thing she said, my whole hurtful meaning 00:17:31.160 --> 00:17:34.070 align:middle line:84% to Ross and his other children, but it does not 00:17:34.070 --> 00:17:36.860 align:middle line:84% hold hurtful meaning for me because my maternal relatives 00:17:36.860 --> 00:17:38.810 align:middle line:90% were shadows. 00:17:38.810 --> 00:17:41.900 align:middle line:84% And Grace and uncle Alvin were the visible ones in my life 00:17:41.900 --> 00:17:44.750 align:middle line:84% and her stinging comments placed something between us. 00:17:44.750 --> 00:17:47.660 align:middle line:84% I am not sure what this something is but as before, 00:17:47.660 --> 00:17:51.410 align:middle line:84% that sort of wounded me, but only sort of. 00:17:51.410 --> 00:17:53.240 align:middle line:84% Although aunt Grace's comments were cruel, 00:17:53.240 --> 00:17:55.790 align:middle line:84% I did not respond in a cruel way as I regularly 00:17:55.790 --> 00:17:58.250 align:middle line:84% do to people, particularly my own family. 00:17:58.250 --> 00:18:01.820 align:middle line:84% Instead, an effort not to throw Grace out of my vehicle 00:18:01.820 --> 00:18:04.400 align:middle line:84% and leave her stranded by the highway in her wheelchair. 00:18:04.400 --> 00:18:07.700 align:middle line:90% 00:18:07.700 --> 00:18:10.400 align:middle line:84% I decided that for the remainder of the week, 00:18:10.400 --> 00:18:12.150 align:middle line:84% Grace would no longer be my aunt, 00:18:12.150 --> 00:18:14.845 align:middle line:84% instead Grace would be Ross's sister. 00:18:14.845 --> 00:18:17.600 align:middle line:90% 00:18:17.600 --> 00:18:18.899 align:middle line:90% I'm sweating for that. 00:18:18.899 --> 00:18:24.770 align:middle line:90% 00:18:24.770 --> 00:18:26.540 align:middle line:84% Several years ago a medical doctor 00:18:26.540 --> 00:18:29.630 align:middle line:84% diagnosed Ross as having various ailments, that is 00:18:29.630 --> 00:18:31.550 align:middle line:90% the word he used, the doctor. 00:18:31.550 --> 00:18:34.010 align:middle line:84% The principal one being prostate cancer. 00:18:34.010 --> 00:18:37.850 align:middle line:84% I suppose prostate cancer qualifies as an ailment. 00:18:37.850 --> 00:18:39.980 align:middle line:84% My eldest sisters Theresa and Charlene, 00:18:39.980 --> 00:18:42.050 align:middle line:84% my brother Richard and I were present 00:18:42.050 --> 00:18:45.440 align:middle line:84% when the doctor informed us of this. 00:18:45.440 --> 00:18:47.840 align:middle line:84% The particular doctor smiled, nodded to us, 00:18:47.840 --> 00:18:51.200 align:middle line:84% and made the cordial gesture of inviting us to sit down. 00:18:51.200 --> 00:18:53.330 align:middle line:84% We sort of smiled back, did not nod, 00:18:53.330 --> 00:18:56.240 align:middle line:84% and were too uncomfortable to sit down. 00:18:56.240 --> 00:18:59.300 align:middle line:84% Why we were uncomfortable entails many things. 00:18:59.300 --> 00:19:01.460 align:middle line:84% My sister Theresa and Charlene are the first 00:19:01.460 --> 00:19:03.290 align:middle line:90% of these uncomfortable things. 00:19:03.290 --> 00:19:06.200 align:middle line:84% My sisters do not like each other very much and disliking-- 00:19:06.200 --> 00:19:09.260 align:middle line:84% not liking each other goes back further than I can remember, 00:19:09.260 --> 00:19:11.480 align:middle line:84% and the source of their disagreement is the thing I 00:19:11.480 --> 00:19:13.370 align:middle line:90% cannot know. 00:19:13.370 --> 00:19:15.920 align:middle line:84% These two sisters grew up in almost the same way. 00:19:15.920 --> 00:19:18.170 align:middle line:84% They were their parents and grandparents companion 00:19:18.170 --> 00:19:20.690 align:middle line:84% which is to say they learn good and bad habits from three 00:19:20.690 --> 00:19:22.310 align:middle line:90% sets of people. 00:19:22.310 --> 00:19:24.660 align:middle line:84% Somewhere in between learning good and bad habits, 00:19:24.660 --> 00:19:26.300 align:middle line:84% they were shown a way of life on which 00:19:26.300 --> 00:19:29.990 align:middle line:84% to model their lives, including how to conduct themselves. 00:19:29.990 --> 00:19:32.780 align:middle line:84% I find this important and valuable for not many people 00:19:32.780 --> 00:19:34.230 align:middle line:90% can claim the same thing. 00:19:34.230 --> 00:19:36.640 align:middle line:84% Certainly, not many of the people I know. 00:19:36.640 --> 00:19:38.450 align:middle line:84% In the course of all of this, they 00:19:38.450 --> 00:19:41.090 align:middle line:84% were schooled on the reservation then sent away 00:19:41.090 --> 00:19:45.440 align:middle line:84% to live with Mormons until they graduated from high school. 00:19:45.440 --> 00:19:47.300 align:middle line:84% These two sisters as well as others 00:19:47.300 --> 00:19:50.720 align:middle line:84% took responsibility for me at various times in my life 00:19:50.720 --> 00:19:51.920 align:middle line:90% when Ross could not. 00:19:51.920 --> 00:19:53.960 align:middle line:84% He could not take responsibility for me 00:19:53.960 --> 00:19:56.600 align:middle line:84% at these various times for all the usual single parent 00:19:56.600 --> 00:19:58.550 align:middle line:90% reasons. 00:19:58.550 --> 00:20:00.200 align:middle line:84% Somewhere along the way, the bad thing 00:20:00.200 --> 00:20:02.930 align:middle line:84% between Theresa and Charlene happened from which 00:20:02.930 --> 00:20:05.960 align:middle line:84% that feelings like resentment and envy resulted. 00:20:05.960 --> 00:20:07.340 align:middle line:84% I suppose their upbringing should 00:20:07.340 --> 00:20:10.100 align:middle line:84% have circumvented the event, though this is not 00:20:10.100 --> 00:20:11.210 align:middle line:90% altogether true. 00:20:11.210 --> 00:20:14.390 align:middle line:84% The model they had, four sisters in the way in which sisters 00:20:14.390 --> 00:20:16.310 align:middle line:84% were supposed to relate and treat one another 00:20:16.310 --> 00:20:18.140 align:middle line:90% was not a good one. 00:20:18.140 --> 00:20:21.133 align:middle line:84% The model they had was Rachel and Marie and Flora. 00:20:21.133 --> 00:20:22.550 align:middle line:84% Rachel is the woman who brought us 00:20:22.550 --> 00:20:25.490 align:middle line:84% into the world and Marie and Flora her sisters. 00:20:25.490 --> 00:20:27.830 align:middle line:84% These three sisters are a separate story. 00:20:27.830 --> 00:20:30.980 align:middle line:84% Let it suffice as far as I know, these three sisters 00:20:30.980 --> 00:20:33.500 align:middle line:84% did not treat one another very well. 00:20:33.500 --> 00:20:43.890 align:middle line:90% 00:20:43.890 --> 00:20:46.160 align:middle line:84% All this, my sister's distaste for one another, 00:20:46.160 --> 00:20:48.140 align:middle line:84% the mystery reason behind the distaste, 00:20:48.140 --> 00:20:50.360 align:middle line:84% and the bad behavior of their mother and aunts 00:20:50.360 --> 00:20:52.495 align:middle line:84% had accumulated over the years and I saw it 00:20:52.495 --> 00:20:57.500 align:middle line:84% in the examination room where the doctor was cordial to us. 00:20:57.500 --> 00:21:00.530 align:middle line:84% My sisters did not greet each other and remained apart. 00:21:00.530 --> 00:21:03.230 align:middle line:84% Ross is aware of my sister's feeling toward each other. 00:21:03.230 --> 00:21:06.260 align:middle line:84% Perhaps, he has spoken to them about their bad behavior 00:21:06.260 --> 00:21:08.420 align:middle line:90% and they chose to ignore him. 00:21:08.420 --> 00:21:11.720 align:middle line:84% This is perhaps why he overlooks the matter altogether. 00:21:11.720 --> 00:21:15.260 align:middle line:84% He has a Navajo word for it, it is a word which states the act 00:21:15.260 --> 00:21:19.370 align:middle line:84% and carries the inflection of bitterness. 00:21:19.370 --> 00:21:20.780 align:middle line:84% Ross's indifference to the matter 00:21:20.780 --> 00:21:22.910 align:middle line:90% did not ease the unpleasantness. 00:21:22.910 --> 00:21:25.190 align:middle line:84% There is this other thing of unpleasantness. 00:21:25.190 --> 00:21:28.760 align:middle line:84% From the moment a medical doctor examined the Navajo, 00:21:28.760 --> 00:21:30.770 align:middle line:84% medical doctors have told Navajo people 00:21:30.770 --> 00:21:33.050 align:middle line:90% about things about themselves. 00:21:33.050 --> 00:21:34.400 align:middle line:90% Excuse me. 00:21:34.400 --> 00:21:37.220 align:middle line:84% Perhaps they are true things, they are not true things. 00:21:37.220 --> 00:21:38.720 align:middle line:84% The point is they did not have to be 00:21:38.720 --> 00:21:40.940 align:middle line:84% quite so ruthless in the diagnosis 00:21:40.940 --> 00:21:44.390 align:middle line:84% and quite so rude in the prognosis. 00:21:44.390 --> 00:21:46.820 align:middle line:84% Soon after this initial meeting, a bright someone 00:21:46.820 --> 00:21:50.030 align:middle line:84% formulated overall bad concept of a hospital 00:21:50.030 --> 00:21:52.340 align:middle line:90% to serve Navajo people. 00:21:52.340 --> 00:21:54.590 align:middle line:84% There were some ideas conceived to benefit us, 00:21:54.590 --> 00:21:57.962 align:middle line:84% the idea of a place became a reality of such a place. 00:21:57.962 --> 00:21:59.420 align:middle line:84% From the beginning, there has never 00:21:59.420 --> 00:22:01.670 align:middle line:84% been comfort in the idea of such a place 00:22:01.670 --> 00:22:05.570 align:middle line:84% and there is no comfort in the reality of such a place, none 00:22:05.570 --> 00:22:06.860 align:middle line:90% at all. 00:22:06.860 --> 00:22:09.620 align:middle line:84% All this discomfort makes me wish 00:22:09.620 --> 00:22:12.350 align:middle line:84% very hard for all these things and people who created 00:22:12.350 --> 00:22:14.450 align:middle line:90% them to go poof and disappear. 00:22:14.450 --> 00:22:16.400 align:middle line:84% This is not the kind of wish one has 00:22:16.400 --> 00:22:19.220 align:middle line:84% when one sees the pink velour hat in a mercantile window 00:22:19.220 --> 00:22:22.340 align:middle line:84% and remarks out loud, I wish I owned that pink hat. 00:22:22.340 --> 00:22:23.810 align:middle line:90% My wish is serious. 00:22:23.810 --> 00:22:28.430 align:middle line:84% If my wish were granted my food would taste better. 00:22:28.430 --> 00:22:31.700 align:middle line:84% Yet and yet again, reality like it always does remains. 00:22:31.700 --> 00:22:33.950 align:middle line:84% When I choose I might glimpse this reality 00:22:33.950 --> 00:22:36.350 align:middle line:84% into melodramatic mood of Navajo people 00:22:36.350 --> 00:22:38.490 align:middle line:84% while they watch soap operas on a television 00:22:38.490 --> 00:22:40.400 align:middle line:90% mounted awkwardly to a wall. 00:22:40.400 --> 00:22:42.260 align:middle line:84% I might even allow myself to see it 00:22:42.260 --> 00:22:45.380 align:middle line:84% in the set of curtained windows and waxed hallway floors 00:22:45.380 --> 00:22:48.470 align:middle line:84% and the squeaks of people who populate the wards as they 00:22:48.470 --> 00:22:51.860 align:middle line:84% go about dispensing poor medical care, this missing Navajo 00:22:51.860 --> 00:22:55.280 align:middle line:84% people's idea about the human body. 00:22:55.280 --> 00:22:57.560 align:middle line:84% I might see the very same thing very clearly 00:22:57.560 --> 00:22:59.300 align:middle line:84% in the bland colored folders upon which 00:22:59.300 --> 00:23:03.260 align:middle line:84% our names and hospital numbers are inscribed. 00:23:03.260 --> 00:23:05.540 align:middle line:84% With no air conditioning and not much of anything 00:23:05.540 --> 00:23:08.870 align:middle line:84% else the place resembles something bleak and unforgiving 00:23:08.870 --> 00:23:12.020 align:middle line:84% like the setting of a standard independent film. 00:23:12.020 --> 00:23:13.910 align:middle line:84% What can people do, what can my people 00:23:13.910 --> 00:23:16.370 align:middle line:90% do, but give it a chance. 00:23:16.370 --> 00:23:20.780 align:middle line:84% Likewise, how can it not be for us, hospitals or bad places, 00:23:20.780 --> 00:23:23.120 align:middle line:84% they've always brought only disappointment. 00:23:23.120 --> 00:23:25.490 align:middle line:84% When he was a young man, government doctor official 00:23:25.490 --> 00:23:28.460 align:middle line:84% types came to the reservation to recruit young men 00:23:28.460 --> 00:23:32.540 align:middle line:84% to serve in the armed forces during one conflict or another. 00:23:32.540 --> 00:23:35.840 align:middle line:84% I think this particular scout was World War II. 00:23:35.840 --> 00:23:37.940 align:middle line:84% They set up temporary hospitals to conduct 00:23:37.940 --> 00:23:40.730 align:middle line:84% physical examinations of the young men who wish to sign up 00:23:40.730 --> 00:23:42.470 align:middle line:90% for military service. 00:23:42.470 --> 00:23:44.720 align:middle line:84% As part of this process, the examiners 00:23:44.720 --> 00:23:48.770 align:middle line:84% had to draw blood for some good reason or another. 00:23:48.770 --> 00:23:50.480 align:middle line:84% When Ross had his blood extracted, 00:23:50.480 --> 00:23:53.120 align:middle line:84% the sight of his own blood was something he did not expect, 00:23:53.120 --> 00:23:54.500 align:middle line:90% he fainted. 00:23:54.500 --> 00:23:56.600 align:middle line:84% Of course soldiers who faint at the sight of blood 00:23:56.600 --> 00:23:58.670 align:middle line:84% can never be a good thing, thus, he 00:23:58.670 --> 00:24:01.220 align:middle line:84% was refused entrance into the military. 00:24:01.220 --> 00:24:02.510 align:middle line:90% I am glad of this. 00:24:02.510 --> 00:24:04.370 align:middle line:84% My eldest brother went to war and did not 00:24:04.370 --> 00:24:06.230 align:middle line:90% return in good shape. 00:24:06.230 --> 00:24:08.210 align:middle line:84% You see, there has never been a time 00:24:08.210 --> 00:24:11.270 align:middle line:84% when a hospital or a hospital somebody, 00:24:11.270 --> 00:24:14.420 align:middle line:84% or even worse a temporary hospital or temporary hospital 00:24:14.420 --> 00:24:18.380 align:middle line:84% somebody has said Ross you're healthy as a horse. 00:24:18.380 --> 00:24:20.660 align:middle line:84% Although, this might not be a benevolent thing 00:24:20.660 --> 00:24:22.820 align:middle line:84% to say for horses on the reservation 00:24:22.820 --> 00:24:26.210 align:middle line:84% I know best are malnourished or get crushed 00:24:26.210 --> 00:24:28.460 align:middle line:90% by vehicles sometimes both. 00:24:28.460 --> 00:24:35.608 align:middle line:90% 00:24:35.608 --> 00:24:37.150 align:middle line:84% Then, there was the task of informing 00:24:37.150 --> 00:24:39.520 align:middle line:84% Ross of his condition and its entanglement. 00:24:39.520 --> 00:24:42.010 align:middle line:84% My sisters and brother glanced at one another 00:24:42.010 --> 00:24:44.800 align:middle line:84% for even they who are fluent in the Navajo language 00:24:44.800 --> 00:24:47.740 align:middle line:84% where lost for the word prostate. 00:24:47.740 --> 00:24:50.980 align:middle line:84% They knew the Navajo word for cancer for cancer 00:24:50.980 --> 00:24:53.170 align:middle line:84% is not a new thing to Navajo people. 00:24:53.170 --> 00:24:57.190 align:middle line:84% Cold War uranium mining did this thing cancer to Navajo people 00:24:57.190 --> 00:24:59.270 align:middle line:84% and is the thing that has not ended. 00:24:59.270 --> 00:25:01.990 align:middle line:84% And so after a while of silence, my brother 00:25:01.990 --> 00:25:05.650 align:middle line:84% elected to tell my father of his condition. 00:25:05.650 --> 00:25:08.080 align:middle line:84% My sisters excused themselves to the lobby. 00:25:08.080 --> 00:25:09.970 align:middle line:84% I stuck around for a moment then left 00:25:09.970 --> 00:25:12.190 align:middle line:84% because I could not stand there while Richard 00:25:12.190 --> 00:25:16.610 align:middle line:84% said to him something like, "You have prostate cancer. 00:25:16.610 --> 00:25:18.160 align:middle line:90% This is a very bad thing. 00:25:18.160 --> 00:25:20.050 align:middle line:90% It will make your life not fun. 00:25:20.050 --> 00:25:23.380 align:middle line:84% One of these not fun things is that you will soon 00:25:23.380 --> 00:25:26.950 align:middle line:84% lose the ability to have an erection." 00:25:26.950 --> 00:25:31.000 align:middle line:84% For a man like Ross who produced 17 or more children, who 00:25:31.000 --> 00:25:33.880 align:middle line:84% enjoyed virility and its advantages, 00:25:33.880 --> 00:25:37.270 align:middle line:84% there is immeasurable loss in such a statement. 00:25:37.270 --> 00:25:39.790 align:middle line:84% And so like the other days Ross confronted 00:25:39.790 --> 00:25:42.760 align:middle line:84% a hospital and its personnel this particular visit 00:25:42.760 --> 00:25:44.560 align:middle line:90% came to a bad end. 00:25:44.560 --> 00:25:46.660 align:middle line:84% He was made aware of his cancer, it 00:25:46.660 --> 00:25:49.210 align:middle line:84% was an ailment neither the hospital nor the doctor 00:25:49.210 --> 00:25:50.140 align:middle line:90% could cure. 00:25:50.140 --> 00:25:52.750 align:middle line:84% So they sent him home with his eldest daughters still 00:25:52.750 --> 00:25:53.890 align:middle line:90% not liking each other. 00:25:53.890 --> 00:26:00.620 align:middle line:90% 00:26:00.620 --> 00:26:02.330 align:middle line:84% If you get the impression I know Ross 00:26:02.330 --> 00:26:06.290 align:middle line:84% through speculation, events, and other people, it is true. 00:26:06.290 --> 00:26:09.080 align:middle line:84% He and I cannot communicate in a clear manner. 00:26:09.080 --> 00:26:13.280 align:middle line:84% I speak a language, English, he hardly understands or speaks, 00:26:13.280 --> 00:26:17.510 align:middle line:84% he speaks a language, Navajo, I understand well but do not 00:26:17.510 --> 00:26:18.480 align:middle line:90% speak. 00:26:18.480 --> 00:26:20.990 align:middle line:84% In fact I find it difficult to follow Navajo 00:26:20.990 --> 00:26:22.850 align:middle line:90% as other people speak it. 00:26:22.850 --> 00:26:26.000 align:middle line:84% The Navajo Ross speaks and the Navajo other people speak 00:26:26.000 --> 00:26:28.970 align:middle line:90% are often different. 00:26:28.970 --> 00:26:30.860 align:middle line:84% His vocabulary is larger and clearer 00:26:30.860 --> 00:26:33.170 align:middle line:84% and the vocabulary of other people is not. 00:26:33.170 --> 00:26:35.390 align:middle line:84% This is not condescension or prejudice, 00:26:35.390 --> 00:26:37.880 align:middle line:90% it is simply an observation. 00:26:37.880 --> 00:26:40.700 align:middle line:84% You see when two people, strangers cannot speak to one 00:26:40.700 --> 00:26:43.940 align:middle line:84% another and ask questions like what subway rail would be best 00:26:43.940 --> 00:26:46.850 align:middle line:84% to catch if I wish to see the heart of Manhattan because one 00:26:46.850 --> 00:26:48.710 align:middle line:84% does not understand the other's language, 00:26:48.710 --> 00:26:51.110 align:middle line:84% it is a very small inconvenience. 00:26:51.110 --> 00:26:53.870 align:middle line:84% This very small inconvenience between a father 00:26:53.870 --> 00:26:55.970 align:middle line:84% and a son such as Ross and I, it's 00:26:55.970 --> 00:26:57.500 align:middle line:90% an entirely different thing. 00:26:57.500 --> 00:27:03.400 align:middle line:90% 00:27:03.400 --> 00:27:06.190 align:middle line:84% I say thing because I cannot call it a problem. 00:27:06.190 --> 00:27:08.770 align:middle line:84% A problem is a set of difficult circumstances 00:27:08.770 --> 00:27:10.780 align:middle line:84% a human being is made to suffer for a while 00:27:10.780 --> 00:27:12.580 align:middle line:90% as it resolves itself. 00:27:12.580 --> 00:27:14.260 align:middle line:90% I cannot call it a barrier. 00:27:14.260 --> 00:27:17.350 align:middle line:84% A barrier can be moved or hurdled or kicked over 00:27:17.350 --> 00:27:20.920 align:middle line:90% if it really is necessary. 00:27:20.920 --> 00:27:23.590 align:middle line:84% Since it will not resolve itself or nor can I remove it 00:27:23.590 --> 00:27:26.230 align:middle line:84% by physical force, I cannot call this thing a problem 00:27:26.230 --> 00:27:29.500 align:middle line:84% or a barrier, so it remains a thing. 00:27:29.500 --> 00:27:32.620 align:middle line:84% I suppose it is a good thing we cannot communicate effectively 00:27:32.620 --> 00:27:36.520 align:middle line:84% with one another for there are occasions on which I might say 00:27:36.520 --> 00:27:38.410 align:middle line:90% cruel and bad things to him. 00:27:38.410 --> 00:27:41.260 align:middle line:84% I might say cruel and bad things during the most inappropriate 00:27:41.260 --> 00:27:42.160 align:middle line:90% times. 00:27:42.160 --> 00:27:45.190 align:middle line:84% Then again I might stay nice and wonderful things. 00:27:45.190 --> 00:27:46.810 align:middle line:84% This autumn while waiting to assist 00:27:46.810 --> 00:27:52.180 align:middle line:84% my brother Richard or something or other, 00:27:52.180 --> 00:27:54.220 align:middle line:84% Ross ordered me to release his flock. 00:27:54.220 --> 00:27:58.330 align:middle line:84% In the Navajo language, an order is unmistakable. 00:27:58.330 --> 00:28:02.140 align:middle line:84% At my age I found his order irritating. 00:28:02.140 --> 00:28:05.970 align:middle line:84% It was irritating because I did not own any sheep in the flock. 00:28:05.970 --> 00:28:08.560 align:middle line:84% The various siblings of mine do, but they are not 00:28:08.560 --> 00:28:10.750 align:middle line:84% around to care for their animals. 00:28:10.750 --> 00:28:12.610 align:middle line:84% Begrudgingly, I went to the sheep corral 00:28:12.610 --> 00:28:15.520 align:middle line:90% and let his flock out to graze. 00:28:15.520 --> 00:28:18.070 align:middle line:84% As my family sheep rushed out, a small number of them 00:28:18.070 --> 00:28:20.650 align:middle line:90% brought out a sorrowful feeling. 00:28:20.650 --> 00:28:23.140 align:middle line:84% In my youth when I was bothered by my family 00:28:23.140 --> 00:28:24.970 align:middle line:84% to assist with caring for the sheep, 00:28:24.970 --> 00:28:26.800 align:middle line:84% there were a great number more of them. 00:28:26.800 --> 00:28:29.560 align:middle line:84% Now there are a few ewes and fewer goats. 00:28:29.560 --> 00:28:31.540 align:middle line:84% At that moment there seemed little promise 00:28:31.540 --> 00:28:33.730 align:middle line:90% for a successful lambing season. 00:28:33.730 --> 00:28:37.300 align:middle line:84% The conundrum regarding how I feel about Ross's dwindle flock 00:28:37.300 --> 00:28:40.330 align:middle line:84% and my small part in their care and existence 00:28:40.330 --> 00:28:42.550 align:middle line:90% added more irritation. 00:28:42.550 --> 00:28:45.790 align:middle line:84% Had I been able to speak the Navajo language, 00:28:45.790 --> 00:28:47.410 align:middle line:84% I might have been able to communicate 00:28:47.410 --> 00:28:48.790 align:middle line:90% to Ross my irritation. 00:28:48.790 --> 00:28:51.175 align:middle line:84% I might have been able to communicate my slight sorrow. 00:28:51.175 --> 00:28:54.970 align:middle line:90% 00:28:54.970 --> 00:28:56.710 align:middle line:84% There are moments Ross appears calm 00:28:56.710 --> 00:29:01.090 align:middle line:84% and heroic, other times he's exasperating and disruptible. 00:29:01.090 --> 00:29:03.400 align:middle line:84% These are the times I like him least because he 00:29:03.400 --> 00:29:05.530 align:middle line:90% is at that moment, a cliche. 00:29:05.530 --> 00:29:09.280 align:middle line:84% Then there are moments when he is something else altogether. 00:29:09.280 --> 00:29:10.660 align:middle line:90% This is what I mean. 00:29:10.660 --> 00:29:12.610 align:middle line:84% Late one afternoon upon his return 00:29:12.610 --> 00:29:15.670 align:middle line:84% from his daily routine of eating at the senior citizens noon 00:29:15.670 --> 00:29:19.870 align:middle line:84% meal program, most likely macaroni and cheese, 00:29:19.870 --> 00:29:22.960 align:middle line:84% driving 10 miles to the local United States Post Office 00:29:22.960 --> 00:29:25.060 align:middle line:84% to find nothing and accomplishing 00:29:25.060 --> 00:29:27.130 align:middle line:84% all the things involved in this routine, 00:29:27.130 --> 00:29:30.250 align:middle line:90% he asked me to accompany him. 00:29:30.250 --> 00:29:32.140 align:middle line:84% We drove to a certain spot on the highway 00:29:32.140 --> 00:29:34.990 align:middle line:84% where his flock regularly escape the confines of the barbed wire 00:29:34.990 --> 00:29:38.590 align:middle line:84% fence erected to keep domestic animals like themselves 00:29:38.590 --> 00:29:41.710 align:middle line:90% from straying onto the highway. 00:29:41.710 --> 00:29:44.920 align:middle line:84% I do not like doing this thing, shepherding his flock, 00:29:44.920 --> 00:29:47.200 align:middle line:84% I do not like it for sound reasons, 00:29:47.200 --> 00:29:50.230 align:middle line:84% but namely because I am not a shepherd. 00:29:50.230 --> 00:29:52.990 align:middle line:84% Still I dutifully exit his truck and rounded up the strays 00:29:52.990 --> 00:29:55.900 align:middle line:84% and herded them back through the barbed wire fence. 00:29:55.900 --> 00:29:58.090 align:middle line:84% When I had finished, I turned around 00:29:58.090 --> 00:30:00.580 align:middle line:84% and saw Ross stooped over examining something 00:30:00.580 --> 00:30:01.930 align:middle line:90% on the highway shoulder. 00:30:01.930 --> 00:30:05.050 align:middle line:84% He then tucked his cane under his arm and hopped. 00:30:05.050 --> 00:30:06.820 align:middle line:90% Yes, hopped a few steps. 00:30:06.820 --> 00:30:09.260 align:middle line:84% I walked faster to see what he was doing. 00:30:09.260 --> 00:30:11.680 align:middle line:90% He did it again, hopped. 00:30:11.680 --> 00:30:14.110 align:middle line:84% When I near him I saw he was imitating or mocking 00:30:14.110 --> 00:30:15.340 align:middle line:90% a grasshopper. 00:30:15.340 --> 00:30:17.590 align:middle line:84% Which one, I cannot say with certainty. 00:30:17.590 --> 00:30:19.660 align:middle line:84% Perhaps, the grasshopper tired of the game 00:30:19.660 --> 00:30:21.820 align:middle line:84% or perhaps I scared it off, whatever 00:30:21.820 --> 00:30:23.710 align:middle line:90% the case it took flight. 00:30:23.710 --> 00:30:26.230 align:middle line:84% Ross wants to disappear into the sagebrush. 00:30:26.230 --> 00:30:28.930 align:middle line:84% He placed his cane back beneath him. 00:30:28.930 --> 00:30:30.910 align:middle line:84% I do not know what he thought he was doing 00:30:30.910 --> 00:30:34.310 align:middle line:84% or if he made a conscious decision to do what he did. 00:30:34.310 --> 00:30:37.600 align:middle line:84% I do know this though, he smiled and frowned at himself 00:30:37.600 --> 00:30:40.450 align:middle line:84% and ignored me as he climbed back into his truck. 00:30:40.450 --> 00:30:42.730 align:middle line:84% At these moments, he is an ordinary human 00:30:42.730 --> 00:30:45.970 align:middle line:84% being perplexed at his ordinary human desires 00:30:45.970 --> 00:30:48.790 align:middle line:84% and confused by his ordinary human actions. 00:30:48.790 --> 00:30:52.210 align:middle line:84% I like him best when he is this, an ordinary human being. 00:30:52.210 --> 00:30:53.110 align:middle line:90% Thanks. 00:30:53.110 --> 00:30:54.960 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:30:54.960 --> 00:31:04.000 align:middle line:90%