WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.250 align:middle line:84% That's the best introduction I've ever had. 00:00:02.250 --> 00:00:03.540 align:middle line:90% That was just wonderful. 00:00:03.540 --> 00:00:04.481 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:00:04.481 --> 00:00:06.330 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:00:06.330 --> 00:00:08.189 align:middle line:84% I'm going to lower this a little bit. 00:00:08.189 --> 00:00:10.920 align:middle line:84% I should say one little just side thing. 00:00:10.920 --> 00:00:13.950 align:middle line:84% When the five women were nominated for the National Book 00:00:13.950 --> 00:00:15.660 align:middle line:90% Award, we all became friends. 00:00:15.660 --> 00:00:18.270 align:middle line:84% So we those of us who were still left 00:00:18.270 --> 00:00:19.770 align:middle line:84% in New York, which is not all of us, 00:00:19.770 --> 00:00:22.260 align:middle line:84% always go to each other's readings. 00:00:22.260 --> 00:00:25.030 align:middle line:84% It's like five years later when we kept that. 00:00:25.030 --> 00:00:27.270 align:middle line:90% So that's what those women do. 00:00:27.270 --> 00:00:29.305 align:middle line:90% Yeah. 00:00:29.305 --> 00:00:31.680 align:middle line:84% I'm going to read you, I wanted to read you something new 00:00:31.680 --> 00:00:33.870 align:middle line:90% because that's nice for me. 00:00:33.870 --> 00:00:37.500 align:middle line:84% I get to hear what my work sounds like. 00:00:37.500 --> 00:00:43.020 align:middle line:84% So I just finished another book of linked stories called Fools. 00:00:43.020 --> 00:00:45.750 align:middle line:84% And this is one story from the group. 00:00:45.750 --> 00:00:48.390 align:middle line:84% And I write these very long rambling stories 00:00:48.390 --> 00:00:49.780 align:middle line:90% so I can't read the whole thing. 00:00:49.780 --> 00:00:51.613 align:middle line:84% But I'm going to read you some chunks of it. 00:00:51.613 --> 00:00:55.530 align:middle line:84% So every so often, I'll stop and sum up 00:00:55.530 --> 00:00:56.830 align:middle line:90% what happened in that bit. 00:00:56.830 --> 00:00:57.960 align:middle line:90% And then I'll go on. 00:00:57.960 --> 00:00:59.910 align:middle line:84% But even so, it'll still be one piece. 00:00:59.910 --> 00:01:03.120 align:middle line:84% But I hope it will hold together for you. 00:01:03.120 --> 00:01:05.480 align:middle line:84% You don't really need to know anything before it starts. 00:01:05.480 --> 00:01:11.720 align:middle line:84% It's starting right at the start of World War II. 00:01:11.720 --> 00:01:16.520 align:middle line:84% When my father was in prison, my mother took us to visit him. 00:01:16.520 --> 00:01:21.290 align:middle line:84% I was 9 when he first went in and my sister was six. 00:01:21.290 --> 00:01:23.030 align:middle line:84% Some of my mother's friends thought 00:01:23.030 --> 00:01:26.400 align:middle line:90% taking us there was a mistake. 00:01:26.400 --> 00:01:28.920 align:middle line:84% "The girls have to know," my mother said. 00:01:28.920 --> 00:01:30.360 align:middle line:90% "They're not too young. 00:01:30.360 --> 00:01:33.270 align:middle line:90% And why would I do that to Joe?" 00:01:33.270 --> 00:01:36.240 align:middle line:84% My father was in Danbury, Connecticut, 00:01:36.240 --> 00:01:39.490 align:middle line:84% which my mother said was nicer than a lot of places. 00:01:39.490 --> 00:01:42.560 align:middle line:90% And he was there on principle. 00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:44.360 align:middle line:90% I knew what principle was. 00:01:44.360 --> 00:01:46.040 align:middle line:90% He was against the war. 00:01:46.040 --> 00:01:49.640 align:middle line:84% Despite his despising Hitler and Hirohito as much 00:01:49.640 --> 00:01:53.120 align:middle line:84% as anyone ever could, he was against all wars 00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:54.980 align:middle line:90% waged by governments. 00:01:54.980 --> 00:01:56.960 align:middle line:90% He was against governments. 00:01:56.960 --> 00:01:59.670 align:middle line:90% He was an anarchist. 00:01:59.670 --> 00:02:03.270 align:middle line:84% Other people my parents knew went into the army as medics 00:02:03.270 --> 00:02:05.640 align:middle line:90% or did service at special camps. 00:02:05.640 --> 00:02:10.259 align:middle line:84% But not my dad who wouldn't register for the draft. 00:02:10.259 --> 00:02:12.810 align:middle line:84% I had a fair idea what registration was. 00:02:12.810 --> 00:02:16.300 align:middle line:90% But my sister didn't get it. 00:02:16.300 --> 00:02:20.020 align:middle line:84% My mother dressed us nicely for these two-hour bus trips, 00:02:20.020 --> 00:02:22.510 align:middle line:84% in pleated skirts and Mary Janes, 00:02:22.510 --> 00:02:24.880 align:middle line:84% as if we were going to visit a relative. 00:02:24.880 --> 00:02:26.455 align:middle line:90% Which we were. 00:02:26.455 --> 00:02:30.280 align:middle line:84% We had never, of course, thought of our father this way. 00:02:30.280 --> 00:02:33.400 align:middle line:84% And Barbara, my sister, shrieked when she first 00:02:33.400 --> 00:02:36.800 align:middle line:84% saw him in those brown clothes that weren't his, 00:02:36.800 --> 00:02:40.310 align:middle line:84% with his mouth a tight line in his face. 00:02:40.310 --> 00:02:42.410 align:middle line:84% "Get her shushed," the guard said. 00:02:42.410 --> 00:02:44.030 align:middle line:90% "Or get her out of here. 00:02:44.030 --> 00:02:46.040 align:middle line:90% I'll say it once." 00:02:46.040 --> 00:02:49.190 align:middle line:84% My father had an expression I'd never seen before-- 00:02:49.190 --> 00:02:51.710 align:middle line:90% a wince of mortification. 00:02:51.710 --> 00:02:56.180 align:middle line:84% I made a zipping motion over my sister's lips, sealing them. 00:02:56.180 --> 00:02:59.360 align:middle line:90% "Hey, muffins," he said to us. 00:02:59.360 --> 00:03:01.250 align:middle line:84% We were in a visitor's room with a bunch 00:03:01.250 --> 00:03:04.100 align:middle line:84% of wooden chairs and several other families 00:03:04.100 --> 00:03:06.950 align:middle line:90% and dramas of their own. 00:03:06.950 --> 00:03:10.820 align:middle line:84% Our mother made us tell him what we'd done in school. 00:03:10.820 --> 00:03:12.980 align:middle line:84% Barbara had learned the state capitals, 00:03:12.980 --> 00:03:16.160 align:middle line:84% and I had come in second in a spelling bee 00:03:16.160 --> 00:03:18.290 align:middle line:84% after Maxie Pfeiffer, who thought 00:03:18.290 --> 00:03:21.890 align:middle line:84% she was the top of the world "Second is good," 00:03:21.890 --> 00:03:24.510 align:middle line:90% my father said. 00:03:24.510 --> 00:03:29.100 align:middle line:84% We couldn't bring crayons or pencils or toys into this room, 00:03:29.100 --> 00:03:31.750 align:middle line:84% so when my mother wanted adult talk, 00:03:31.750 --> 00:03:34.200 align:middle line:84% she had me take my sister into a corner 00:03:34.200 --> 00:03:36.870 align:middle line:84% and tell stories to entertain her. 00:03:36.870 --> 00:03:40.020 align:middle line:84% We sat on the pitted linoleum and linoleum 00:03:40.020 --> 00:03:44.790 align:middle line:84% and I made up a story about a blue elf that made no sense. 00:03:44.790 --> 00:03:47.830 align:middle line:90% Barbara pretended to like it. 00:03:47.830 --> 00:03:50.500 align:middle line:84% "Behave yourselves, kitten heads," my father 00:03:50.500 --> 00:03:53.140 align:middle line:90% said when we left. 00:03:53.140 --> 00:03:56.410 align:middle line:84% On the bus going home, my mother opened a bag 00:03:56.410 --> 00:03:58.120 align:middle line:90% with special treats-- 00:03:58.120 --> 00:04:00.430 align:middle line:84% celery stuffed with cream cheese, 00:04:00.430 --> 00:04:05.020 align:middle line:84% ham sandwiches with relish, homemade brownies and date nut 00:04:05.020 --> 00:04:08.260 align:middle line:84% squares, and a thermos of lemonade. 00:04:08.260 --> 00:04:09.910 align:middle line:90% We were very excited. 00:04:09.910 --> 00:04:11.800 align:middle line:84% The whole trip seemed to have been 00:04:11.800 --> 00:04:13.090 align:middle line:90% so we could have this food. 00:04:13.090 --> 00:04:15.790 align:middle line:90% 00:04:15.790 --> 00:04:19.209 align:middle line:84% We learned to expect treats on every trip, donated 00:04:19.209 --> 00:04:23.510 align:middle line:84% by friends or baked by a hardworking mother at night. 00:04:23.510 --> 00:04:26.330 align:middle line:84% my dad was allowed an hour of us a month, 00:04:26.330 --> 00:04:30.480 align:middle line:84% which could be broken up into two half-hour visits. 00:04:30.480 --> 00:04:33.480 align:middle line:90% The visits had creepy aspects. 00:04:33.480 --> 00:04:36.690 align:middle line:84% Our mother had to go behind a curtain to be searched. 00:04:36.690 --> 00:04:40.200 align:middle line:84% One of the prisoners had a face like a panther. 00:04:40.200 --> 00:04:43.620 align:middle line:84% The guards blocked us and made us go home the time we 00:04:43.620 --> 00:04:46.330 align:middle line:90% were four minutes late. 00:04:46.330 --> 00:04:49.720 align:middle line:84% All the same, we mostly look forward to going. 00:04:49.720 --> 00:04:52.450 align:middle line:84% Our father was quieter there than at home-- 00:04:52.450 --> 00:04:54.940 align:middle line:90% no rowdy games, no tickling-- 00:04:54.940 --> 00:04:57.280 align:middle line:84% but he could tease us about our big feet 00:04:57.280 --> 00:05:00.280 align:middle line:84% or tell us we were more beautiful than Lana Turner. 00:05:00.280 --> 00:05:04.370 align:middle line:90% His voice was still his voice. 00:05:04.370 --> 00:05:07.460 align:middle line:84% The kids in school were the problem. 00:05:07.460 --> 00:05:11.720 align:middle line:84% My father didn't care if the enemy bombed and burned 00:05:11.720 --> 00:05:14.570 align:middle line:84% and shot everyone in his own country. 00:05:14.570 --> 00:05:17.930 align:middle line:84% He didn't care who died among all the brothers 00:05:17.930 --> 00:05:22.070 align:middle line:84% and fathers who are fighting for all of this, all of us. 00:05:22.070 --> 00:05:26.390 align:middle line:84% I heard this all day every day from kids I didn't know 00:05:26.390 --> 00:05:28.040 align:middle line:90% and kids I did. 00:05:28.040 --> 00:05:30.890 align:middle line:90% "He's my father," I said. 00:05:30.890 --> 00:05:32.870 align:middle line:84% Maxie Pfeiffer dared another girl 00:05:32.870 --> 00:05:35.250 align:middle line:90% to punch me in the stomach. 00:05:35.250 --> 00:05:37.970 align:middle line:84% I had been taught not to hit, and my hands 00:05:37.970 --> 00:05:41.540 align:middle line:84% trying to shield myself just made everybody laugh. 00:05:41.540 --> 00:05:45.350 align:middle line:84% A teacher broke us up and sent the girl into detention-- 00:05:45.350 --> 00:05:49.910 align:middle line:84% Maxie went free-- but I was never safe at school. 00:05:49.910 --> 00:05:51.890 align:middle line:84% Barbara didn't have it easy either. 00:05:51.890 --> 00:05:56.000 align:middle line:84% Once they threw a bag of dog shit at her back. 00:05:56.000 --> 00:05:57.950 align:middle line:84% My friend Ruthie's family wouldn't 00:05:57.950 --> 00:06:00.140 align:middle line:84% let me come to their apartment anymore. 00:06:00.140 --> 00:06:04.490 align:middle line:84% Ruthie said, "Does your father want Hitler to kill us? 00:06:04.490 --> 00:06:06.670 align:middle line:90% We're Jewish, you know." 00:06:06.670 --> 00:06:07.840 align:middle line:90% "I know," I said. 00:06:07.840 --> 00:06:10.990 align:middle line:84% "I've only known you since you were five." 00:06:10.990 --> 00:06:13.780 align:middle line:84% Her parents wouldn't let her in my house either. 00:06:13.780 --> 00:06:16.990 align:middle line:84% But we were old enough to go to the park in Washington Square 00:06:16.990 --> 00:06:18.010 align:middle line:90% ourselves-- 00:06:18.010 --> 00:06:19.900 align:middle line:90% there, in New York-- 00:06:19.900 --> 00:06:23.980 align:middle line:84% where we continue to game about cowgirls and runaway horses 00:06:23.980 --> 00:06:26.110 align:middle line:90% that we'd played for years. 00:06:26.110 --> 00:06:28.900 align:middle line:84% There was a grassy spot across from the fountain 00:06:28.900 --> 00:06:32.710 align:middle line:84% that we especially liked, and we met in all weather, 00:06:32.710 --> 00:06:36.540 align:middle line:90% out on the range in earmuffs. 00:06:36.540 --> 00:06:39.910 align:middle line:84% None of this got easier as time went on. 00:06:39.910 --> 00:06:42.400 align:middle line:84% My father was sentenced to a year. 00:06:42.400 --> 00:06:46.050 align:middle line:84% And when he came home, my sister kept sitting on his lap 00:06:46.050 --> 00:06:50.730 align:middle line:84% every time he sat down, and I was always tap-dancing for him. 00:06:50.730 --> 00:06:55.080 align:middle line:84% I pursued him nonstop with the shuffle-off-to-Buffalo. 00:06:55.080 --> 00:06:57.630 align:middle line:84% There was a big party to celebrate his return, 00:06:57.630 --> 00:07:01.800 align:middle line:84% with music on the Victrola and my mother giggling. 00:07:01.800 --> 00:07:04.380 align:middle line:84% She kept working at the job she had now, 00:07:04.380 --> 00:07:07.650 align:middle line:84% sketching ads for a department store in Brooklyn. 00:07:07.650 --> 00:07:11.670 align:middle line:84% And our dad was mostly home, where he read a lot. 00:07:11.670 --> 00:07:14.490 align:middle line:84% I didn't understand what happened next. 00:07:14.490 --> 00:07:17.960 align:middle line:84% The law still wanted him to register for the draft. 00:07:17.960 --> 00:07:20.640 align:middle line:90% Hadn't he already told them? 00:07:20.640 --> 00:07:22.650 align:middle line:90% He had to tell them again. 00:07:22.650 --> 00:07:28.700 align:middle line:84% He was home for six months, and then he was back in prison. 00:07:28.700 --> 00:07:33.350 align:middle line:84% My sister Barbara was a mess, so I had to be not a mess. 00:07:33.350 --> 00:07:35.660 align:middle line:84% I ignored her stupid whining and I 00:07:35.660 --> 00:07:39.260 align:middle line:84% acted very upright and prissy, which was a good idea. 00:07:39.260 --> 00:07:41.540 align:middle line:84% After a while, she tried to imitate me 00:07:41.540 --> 00:07:43.910 align:middle line:90% and stopped being such a pill. 00:07:43.910 --> 00:07:48.530 align:middle line:84% My mother started to visit the prison more often without us. 00:07:48.530 --> 00:07:51.110 align:middle line:84% And in my dad's second year there, he 00:07:51.110 --> 00:07:54.170 align:middle line:84% was part of a work strike because he didn't like it 00:07:54.170 --> 00:07:57.260 align:middle line:84% that colored men had to sit separate in the dining room. 00:07:57.260 --> 00:08:01.070 align:middle line:84% My father told the guards he wouldn't work. 00:08:01.070 --> 00:08:03.350 align:middle line:84% And this went on for months, and none of us 00:08:03.350 --> 00:08:06.980 align:middle line:90% could get in to see him. 00:08:06.980 --> 00:08:10.130 align:middle line:84% I was a teenager and the war was over by the time 00:08:10.130 --> 00:08:12.290 align:middle line:90% they let my father out. 00:08:12.290 --> 00:08:15.410 align:middle line:84% He had been a jovial talkative man before he'd gone in. 00:08:15.410 --> 00:08:20.180 align:middle line:84% He came out shadowy and subdued, a phantom father. 00:08:20.180 --> 00:08:24.710 align:middle line:84% But then, week by week, he grew more distinct and animated. 00:08:24.710 --> 00:08:28.130 align:middle line:84% He spoke to us more often and more loudly. 00:08:28.130 --> 00:08:30.740 align:middle line:84% Sometimes he was newly bossy, checking 00:08:30.740 --> 00:08:33.740 align:middle line:84% to see if we'd made our beds, making us wait to eat 00:08:33.740 --> 00:08:35.840 align:middle line:90% until our mother sat down. 00:08:35.840 --> 00:08:39.049 align:middle line:84% We were a little afraid of him now. 00:08:39.049 --> 00:08:43.460 align:middle line:84% In the meantime, I was starting to think about boys. 00:08:43.460 --> 00:08:45.020 align:middle line:84% In high school, people still knew 00:08:45.020 --> 00:08:48.500 align:middle line:84% my father had helped the enemy, but some boys decided 00:08:48.500 --> 00:08:53.360 align:middle line:84% it wasn't my fault. I liked almost any boy who liked me. 00:08:53.360 --> 00:08:56.000 align:middle line:84% I couldn't get over the thrill of their interest, 00:08:56.000 --> 00:09:00.930 align:middle line:84% though I had been raised to be a serious person. 00:09:00.930 --> 00:09:03.450 align:middle line:84% Various boys joked around with me after school 00:09:03.450 --> 00:09:06.030 align:middle line:84% or leaned over me on the subway ride home, 00:09:06.030 --> 00:09:08.190 align:middle line:84% but nothing came of it until there 00:09:08.190 --> 00:09:10.260 align:middle line:84% was an argument among the staff of the school 00:09:10.260 --> 00:09:13.890 align:middle line:84% newspaper about whether we needed another article 00:09:13.890 --> 00:09:16.470 align:middle line:90% about prom etiquette. 00:09:16.470 --> 00:09:20.650 align:middle line:84% And this boy and I were on the same side against it. 00:09:20.650 --> 00:09:24.450 align:middle line:84% He was a broody, sharp-edged guy with a nicely developed sense 00:09:24.450 --> 00:09:28.140 align:middle line:84% of irony, which allured me greatly. 00:09:28.140 --> 00:09:31.320 align:middle line:84% Walking on the street after the newspaper meeting-- 00:09:31.320 --> 00:09:33.370 align:middle line:90% our side had lost-- 00:09:33.370 --> 00:09:36.030 align:middle line:84% we did our own spoof of a student boob 00:09:36.030 --> 00:09:40.110 align:middle line:84% presenting a corsage and stabbing the girl with a pin. 00:09:40.110 --> 00:09:43.200 align:middle line:84% I clutched my chest and leaned against a stoplight 00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:45.060 align:middle line:90% to act out my wound. 00:09:45.060 --> 00:09:48.210 align:middle line:84% He pretended to half carry me across the street, 00:09:48.210 --> 00:09:53.340 align:middle line:84% and all that horsing around was extremely interesting. 00:09:53.340 --> 00:09:55.110 align:middle line:90% What was his name? 00:09:55.110 --> 00:09:56.310 align:middle line:90% Ted Pfeiffer. 00:09:56.310 --> 00:10:00.360 align:middle line:84% He was Maxie Pfeiffer's his older brother. 00:10:00.360 --> 00:10:03.960 align:middle line:84% This twist of fate was not as jarring as the other known fact 00:10:03.960 --> 00:10:06.930 align:middle line:84% that came with it-- the father in that family 00:10:06.930 --> 00:10:10.230 align:middle line:84% had been killed in the last year of the war. 00:10:10.230 --> 00:10:13.050 align:middle line:90% "I know your sister," I said. 00:10:13.050 --> 00:10:17.030 align:middle line:90% "She's a total pain," he said. 00:10:17.030 --> 00:10:19.790 align:middle line:84% It wasn't until our third time at the movies 00:10:19.790 --> 00:10:21.620 align:middle line:84% when he made a move to start necking, 00:10:21.620 --> 00:10:23.550 align:middle line:84% and I absolutely didn't stop him. 00:10:23.550 --> 00:10:27.080 align:middle line:84% And we emerged from the theater with pink, blurred faces, 00:10:27.080 --> 00:10:30.740 align:middle line:84% a tickled-to-death couple, that he told me on the way home 00:10:30.740 --> 00:10:32.660 align:middle line:84% that he really hadn't wanted to start 00:10:32.660 --> 00:10:36.020 align:middle line:90% dating me because of my father. 00:10:36.020 --> 00:10:37.880 align:middle line:90% "But you're not him," he said. 00:10:37.880 --> 00:10:40.560 align:middle line:90% "Are you?" 00:10:40.560 --> 00:10:42.460 align:middle line:90% I didn't even pause. 00:10:42.460 --> 00:10:47.290 align:middle line:84% I didn't resist or explain or defend our family faith. 00:10:47.290 --> 00:10:49.210 align:middle line:90% "No, I'm not," I said. 00:10:49.210 --> 00:10:51.960 align:middle line:90% "Definitely not." 00:10:51.960 --> 00:10:54.960 align:middle line:84% I would have said anything to keep him with me to make 00:10:54.960 --> 00:10:56.880 align:middle line:90% sure he didn't change his mind. 00:10:56.880 --> 00:11:01.000 align:middle line:84% And perhaps I was lucky he didn't ask me anything worse. 00:11:01.000 --> 00:11:04.440 align:middle line:84% But that was the beginning for me-- and I knew it-- 00:11:04.440 --> 00:11:07.080 align:middle line:90% of a different life. 00:11:07.080 --> 00:11:09.390 align:middle line:84% When I got back inside our apartment 00:11:09.390 --> 00:11:11.280 align:middle line:84% I looked at my mother who had fallen 00:11:11.280 --> 00:11:14.580 align:middle line:84% asleep on the sofa waiting for me, and I thought, 00:11:14.580 --> 00:11:17.280 align:middle line:90% this apartment is really shabby. 00:11:17.280 --> 00:11:19.380 align:middle line:84% And in the room I shared with my sister, 00:11:19.380 --> 00:11:21.960 align:middle line:84% I hissed at Barbara when she woke up. 00:11:21.960 --> 00:11:23.430 align:middle line:90% "Stop looking at me. 00:11:23.430 --> 00:11:27.480 align:middle line:90% I despise you looking at me." 00:11:27.480 --> 00:11:32.640 align:middle line:84% For a long time, I'd held what I thought of as two opinions. 00:11:32.640 --> 00:11:38.250 align:middle line:84% With my parents, I was entirely against the war and all wars. 00:11:38.250 --> 00:11:40.350 align:middle line:84% What could be gained by millions of people 00:11:40.350 --> 00:11:43.650 align:middle line:84% marching out with the sole purpose of killing as many 00:11:43.650 --> 00:11:45.600 align:middle line:90% of each other as they could? 00:11:45.600 --> 00:11:48.510 align:middle line:84% I couldn't believe this butchery was allowed, 00:11:48.510 --> 00:11:50.310 align:middle line:90% had always been allowed. 00:11:50.310 --> 00:11:53.130 align:middle line:90% The ugliest of all insanities. 00:11:53.130 --> 00:11:58.000 align:middle line:84% I was proud of my father for not going along with any of it. 00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:01.590 align:middle line:84% On the other hand, we all saw the photos of the concentration 00:12:01.590 --> 00:12:04.860 align:middle line:84% camps in Europe after our soldiers went in, 00:12:04.860 --> 00:12:09.240 align:middle line:84% the living skeletons lying among piles of corpses. 00:12:09.240 --> 00:12:12.230 align:middle line:90% And what if our side hadn't won? 00:12:12.230 --> 00:12:15.800 align:middle line:84% Could people who did such things ever be stopped by peaceable 00:12:15.800 --> 00:12:17.600 align:middle line:90% means? 00:12:17.600 --> 00:12:19.730 align:middle line:84% I didn't mind having two viewpoints. 00:12:19.730 --> 00:12:21.920 align:middle line:84% It made talking to my friends easier-- 00:12:21.920 --> 00:12:24.170 align:middle line:84% especially Ruthie-- and it showed 00:12:24.170 --> 00:12:26.420 align:middle line:84% that I was advanced enough as a thinker 00:12:26.420 --> 00:12:30.050 align:middle line:84% to hold more than one idea in my mind at a time. 00:12:30.050 --> 00:12:34.220 align:middle line:84% Wasn't that a sign of a higher intelligence? 00:12:34.220 --> 00:12:37.400 align:middle line:84% "It's OK to have two opinions," my mother said. 00:12:37.400 --> 00:12:40.350 align:middle line:84% "If all you have to do is have an opinion. 00:12:40.350 --> 00:12:40.850 align:middle line:90% If." 00:12:40.850 --> 00:12:43.510 align:middle line:90% 00:12:43.510 --> 00:12:46.270 align:middle line:84% I thought my mother, typically, was making everything harder 00:12:46.270 --> 00:12:48.250 align:middle line:90% than it had to be. 00:12:48.250 --> 00:12:51.460 align:middle line:84% Meanwhile, Ted and I were getting along extremely well. 00:12:51.460 --> 00:12:54.310 align:middle line:84% We cracked each other up at the newspaper meetings. 00:12:54.310 --> 00:12:57.820 align:middle line:84% We talked about what a bunch of yahoos most of the school was. 00:12:57.820 --> 00:13:01.300 align:middle line:84% We argued about whether Tolstoy was better than Dostoevsky-- 00:13:01.300 --> 00:13:04.000 align:middle line:90% I said, "Tolstoy is fuller"-- 00:13:04.000 --> 00:13:08.620 align:middle line:84% and we agreed about William Dean Howells really being boring. 00:13:08.620 --> 00:13:11.380 align:middle line:84% And he walked me between classes at school-- 00:13:11.380 --> 00:13:14.330 align:middle line:90% a sign of major attention. 00:13:14.330 --> 00:13:17.690 align:middle line:84% This is what real life is, I thought, at his side 00:13:17.690 --> 00:13:21.320 align:middle line:84% in the hallways, and I have it already. 00:13:21.320 --> 00:13:25.860 align:middle line:84% Even Maxie started being nicer to me. 00:13:25.860 --> 00:13:28.290 align:middle line:84% Once when I was complaining about a sudden streak 00:13:28.290 --> 00:13:32.340 align:middle line:84% of sultry weather in May, Ted said, "My father 00:13:32.340 --> 00:13:34.800 align:middle line:90% always liked the heat." 00:13:34.800 --> 00:13:36.600 align:middle line:84% And I stopped feeling that he held 00:13:36.600 --> 00:13:39.120 align:middle line:90% his father's dying against me. 00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:41.850 align:middle line:84% I had gone over to another feeling, an envy 00:13:41.850 --> 00:13:45.010 align:middle line:90% of what Ted knew about death. 00:13:45.010 --> 00:13:47.380 align:middle line:84% "You should like hot weather, then," I said to him. 00:13:47.380 --> 00:13:49.680 align:middle line:90% "As a tribute." 00:13:49.680 --> 00:13:52.350 align:middle line:84% He nodded at this he liked by making room 00:13:52.350 --> 00:13:53.760 align:middle line:90% for his ceremonies of memory. 00:13:53.760 --> 00:13:56.370 align:middle line:90% 00:13:56.370 --> 00:13:57.960 align:middle line:90% We did a lot of necking. 00:13:57.960 --> 00:14:00.150 align:middle line:90% I was only 16. 00:14:00.150 --> 00:14:02.520 align:middle line:84% I didn't think-- and he didn't demand-- 00:14:02.520 --> 00:14:04.650 align:middle line:90% we would get into actual sex. 00:14:04.650 --> 00:14:07.830 align:middle line:84% But we hovered in an exquisite border area, 00:14:07.830 --> 00:14:11.650 align:middle line:84% became a depth in every shading of excitement. 00:14:11.650 --> 00:14:13.830 align:middle line:84% How slow and patient we were then, 00:14:13.830 --> 00:14:16.710 align:middle line:90% how attenuated in our efforts. 00:14:16.710 --> 00:14:19.710 align:middle line:84% It was the sweetheart desire of innocence, 00:14:19.710 --> 00:14:25.070 align:middle line:84% for all its shocks and grunts and revelations. 00:14:25.070 --> 00:14:27.020 align:middle line:84% He was two years ahead of me in school, 00:14:27.020 --> 00:14:30.230 align:middle line:84% and I did not have a good feeling about his graduating, 00:14:30.230 --> 00:14:32.900 align:middle line:84% though I gave him a very nice edition of Tolstoy's 00:14:32.900 --> 00:14:35.542 align:middle line:90% Resurrection as a present. 00:14:35.542 --> 00:14:37.000 align:middle line:84% I didn't like the way he thanked me 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:41.620 align:middle line:84% by saying, "I only hope I'll have time to read it." 00:14:41.620 --> 00:14:44.830 align:middle line:84% He was going to city college just a subway ride uptown, 00:14:44.830 --> 00:14:48.840 align:middle line:84% but I had reason to fear he'd slip away from me. 00:14:48.840 --> 00:14:50.700 align:middle line:90% And I wasn't wrong. 00:14:50.700 --> 00:14:54.060 align:middle line:84% He took up with some female from his Western Civ class, 00:14:54.060 --> 00:14:57.180 align:middle line:84% and then, more fatally, with a blonde 00:14:57.180 --> 00:14:59.280 align:middle line:90% who worked in the library. 00:14:59.280 --> 00:15:02.970 align:middle line:84% He decided that we should no longer fence each other in 00:15:02.970 --> 00:15:06.750 align:middle line:84% and that I was free to date other people. 00:15:06.750 --> 00:15:09.420 align:middle line:84% During his speech, he looked stern and aggrieved 00:15:09.420 --> 00:15:12.080 align:middle line:90% at having to speak at all. 00:15:12.080 --> 00:15:15.930 align:middle line:84% "Thank you for the blessing of liberty," I said. 00:15:15.930 --> 00:15:19.830 align:middle line:84% Sarcasm was not even slightly effective. 00:15:19.830 --> 00:15:21.340 align:middle line:90% What could I do? 00:15:21.340 --> 00:15:22.800 align:middle line:90% I wanted to fight for him. 00:15:22.800 --> 00:15:25.740 align:middle line:84% Fight hard and dirty, if I had to. 00:15:25.740 --> 00:15:28.080 align:middle line:84% I had my pride and my upbringing, 00:15:28.080 --> 00:15:31.250 align:middle line:90% but I wasn't above using Maxie. 00:15:31.250 --> 00:15:35.180 align:middle line:84% Nothing sneaky, but I goaded her into inventing mean nicknames-- 00:15:35.180 --> 00:15:37.280 align:middle line:90% Frog Eyes, Miss Dainty-- 00:15:37.280 --> 00:15:41.210 align:middle line:84% and using her gifts of mimicry after the poor girlfriend 00:15:41.210 --> 00:15:43.130 align:middle line:90% paid a family visit. 00:15:43.130 --> 00:15:45.740 align:middle line:84% Maxie claimed the girl had actually said, 00:15:45.740 --> 00:15:50.390 align:middle line:84% "I adore pot roast," and Maxi loudly adored everything 00:15:50.390 --> 00:15:53.750 align:middle line:90% in sight for weeks after. 00:15:53.750 --> 00:15:56.810 align:middle line:84% My job was to be the true blue one. 00:15:56.810 --> 00:15:58.610 align:middle line:90% If I ran into him-- 00:15:58.610 --> 00:16:00.170 align:middle line:90% Maxie aided this-- 00:16:00.170 --> 00:16:03.650 align:middle line:84% I was friendly, forthright, calm. 00:16:03.650 --> 00:16:05.030 align:middle line:90% "Great to see you, Ted. 00:16:05.030 --> 00:16:06.410 align:middle line:90% Everything OK?" 00:16:06.410 --> 00:16:07.850 align:middle line:90% Ever loyal. 00:16:07.850 --> 00:16:10.550 align:middle line:90% Very, very warm. 00:16:10.550 --> 00:16:14.420 align:middle line:84% My mother did not admire my scheming. 00:16:14.420 --> 00:16:17.780 align:middle line:84% "What can you gain by trickery?" she said. 00:16:17.780 --> 00:16:19.520 align:middle line:90% "It's not tricks," I said. 00:16:19.520 --> 00:16:23.130 align:middle line:84% "And all is fair in love and war." 00:16:23.130 --> 00:16:25.260 align:middle line:90% "Oh, Louise," she said. 00:16:25.260 --> 00:16:27.060 align:middle line:90% "Can you hear yourself? 00:16:27.060 --> 00:16:27.720 align:middle line:90% Can you?" 00:16:27.720 --> 00:16:31.020 align:middle line:90% 00:16:31.020 --> 00:16:33.750 align:middle line:84% I spent two years of my adolescence gutted 00:16:33.750 --> 00:16:36.450 align:middle line:84% by the outrage of being without him, eaten up 00:16:36.450 --> 00:16:39.390 align:middle line:84% with agonized guesses about my future. 00:16:39.390 --> 00:16:42.120 align:middle line:84% It was constantly clear to me what I had to have. 00:16:42.120 --> 00:16:45.540 align:middle line:84% Every cell in my body was fixed in certainty 00:16:45.540 --> 00:16:48.810 align:middle line:84% I had no way to know whether I would win. 00:16:48.810 --> 00:16:51.330 align:middle line:84% All the nights of imagined raptures-- 00:16:51.330 --> 00:16:53.460 align:middle line:90% could they be for nothing? 00:16:53.460 --> 00:16:55.890 align:middle line:84% My friend Ruthie, who didn't have anything going yet, 00:16:55.890 --> 00:16:57.900 align:middle line:84% envied my suffering and probably thought 00:16:57.900 --> 00:17:00.330 align:middle line:84% it was better to have loved and lost than never 00:17:00.330 --> 00:17:01.500 align:middle line:90% to have loved at all. 00:17:01.500 --> 00:17:03.360 align:middle line:90% But I didn't. 00:17:03.360 --> 00:17:05.700 align:middle line:90% And I didn't have a plan B. 00:17:05.700 --> 00:17:09.690 align:middle line:84% When Ruthie said, "You could get Allan Raddatz to like you, 00:17:09.690 --> 00:17:13.380 align:middle line:84% if you wanted," I said, "No, thank you. 00:17:13.380 --> 00:17:14.760 align:middle line:90% No. 00:17:14.760 --> 00:17:16.230 align:middle line:90% No halfway measures. 00:17:16.230 --> 00:17:17.700 align:middle line:90% No compromises." 00:17:17.700 --> 00:17:19.680 align:middle line:90% I knew what I knew. 00:17:19.680 --> 00:17:21.210 align:middle line:90% I shouldered my burden. 00:17:21.210 --> 00:17:23.293 align:middle line:90% I had been bred to staunchness. 00:17:23.293 --> 00:17:26.251 align:middle line:90% 00:17:26.251 --> 00:17:30.170 align:middle line:84% So after their breaking up when he's in college, 00:17:30.170 --> 00:17:32.240 align:middle line:90% they do get back together again. 00:17:32.240 --> 00:17:35.360 align:middle line:90% 00:17:35.360 --> 00:17:38.450 align:middle line:84% No triumph could have been purer, more glorious, 00:17:38.450 --> 00:17:41.840 align:middle line:84% than those early days of having him back. 00:17:41.840 --> 00:17:43.970 align:middle line:90% I was smug with victory. 00:17:43.970 --> 00:17:47.270 align:middle line:84% I went around giving my sister the most platitudinous advice 00:17:47.270 --> 00:17:48.950 align:middle line:90% about love and life. 00:17:48.950 --> 00:17:52.130 align:middle line:90% If it's meant to be, it happens. 00:17:52.130 --> 00:17:55.442 align:middle line:90% When you know, you know. 00:17:55.442 --> 00:17:57.770 align:middle line:84% His mother was less than pleased about me 00:17:57.770 --> 00:18:00.260 align:middle line:84% and tended to refer to my parents as reds. 00:18:00.260 --> 00:18:02.150 align:middle line:84% No matter how many times I explained, 00:18:02.150 --> 00:18:04.250 align:middle line:84% they were anarchists, not Marxists. 00:18:04.250 --> 00:18:06.710 align:middle line:84% The black flag, not the red flag. 00:18:06.710 --> 00:18:09.650 align:middle line:84% And their actions these days are mostly down to picketing 00:18:09.650 --> 00:18:10.850 align:middle line:90% with labor unions. 00:18:10.850 --> 00:18:12.590 align:middle line:90% Perfectly lawful. 00:18:12.590 --> 00:18:14.750 align:middle line:84% I did go out on picket lines with them-- 00:18:14.750 --> 00:18:16.610 align:middle line:84% we'd always done this as a family-- 00:18:16.610 --> 00:18:19.280 align:middle line:90% but I wasn't big on chanting. 00:18:19.280 --> 00:18:21.920 align:middle line:90% "They're just slogans," I said. 00:18:21.920 --> 00:18:25.460 align:middle line:84% "What do you have faith in?" my mother said. 00:18:25.460 --> 00:18:26.060 align:middle line:90% The truth. 00:18:26.060 --> 00:18:28.940 align:middle line:84% Was that I wanted to be ordinary. 00:18:28.940 --> 00:18:31.610 align:middle line:84% I wanted the coziness of private life. 00:18:31.610 --> 00:18:33.290 align:middle line:90% Why should that be out of reach? 00:18:33.290 --> 00:18:35.570 align:middle line:90% Why couldn't I have that? 00:18:35.570 --> 00:18:38.950 align:middle line:84% "I have faith in people," I said. 00:18:38.950 --> 00:18:41.260 align:middle line:84% "What does that mean?" my mother said. 00:18:41.260 --> 00:18:43.440 align:middle line:84% "You think you can do without ideas. 00:18:43.440 --> 00:18:44.065 align:middle line:90% But you can't." 00:18:44.065 --> 00:18:46.920 align:middle line:90% 00:18:46.920 --> 00:18:49.200 align:middle line:84% I lasted through 2 and 1/2 years of college, 00:18:49.200 --> 00:18:53.510 align:middle line:90% and then Ted and I were married. 00:18:53.510 --> 00:18:56.390 align:middle line:84% I'm going to skip ahead a little bit. 00:18:56.390 --> 00:18:58.910 align:middle line:84% My parents were against my marrying Ted. 00:18:58.910 --> 00:19:03.030 align:middle line:84% My mother said, "You're selling yourself to the first bidder." 00:19:03.030 --> 00:19:05.720 align:middle line:84% A surprisingly bitter thing for her to say. 00:19:05.720 --> 00:19:08.180 align:middle line:84% But they put together a decent wedding for me. 00:19:08.180 --> 00:19:11.480 align:middle line:84% Not fancy, but with bouquets of pink carnations 00:19:11.480 --> 00:19:14.030 align:middle line:90% and a real cake from the bakery. 00:19:14.030 --> 00:19:16.340 align:middle line:84% Everyone was crowded into our living room 00:19:16.340 --> 00:19:20.300 align:middle line:84% and we had a Unitarian minister, which satisfied no one. 00:19:20.300 --> 00:19:22.970 align:middle line:84% And I wore a dress I'd sewn from a pattern, 00:19:22.970 --> 00:19:26.840 align:middle line:84% with a scalloped neck and a gathered skirt in dotted Swiss, 00:19:26.840 --> 00:19:27.980 align:middle line:90% white on white. 00:19:27.980 --> 00:19:30.110 align:middle line:90% I love the dress. 00:19:30.110 --> 00:19:32.960 align:middle line:84% Ted had managed to graduate a semester early, 00:19:32.960 --> 00:19:35.480 align:middle line:84% and the city was in bleak winter. 00:19:35.480 --> 00:19:38.360 align:middle line:84% We moved into a tenement on the Lower East Side 00:19:38.360 --> 00:19:40.460 align:middle line:84% with crappy heating, and I worked 00:19:40.460 --> 00:19:42.890 align:middle line:90% very hard to make it nice. 00:19:42.890 --> 00:19:45.740 align:middle line:84% We paid the rent from Ted's new job teaching English 00:19:45.740 --> 00:19:49.430 align:middle line:84% in high school, and I liked all the budgeting and household 00:19:49.430 --> 00:19:51.470 align:middle line:90% cleverness. 00:19:51.470 --> 00:19:55.040 align:middle line:84% No one in my family admired the cotton drapes 00:19:55.040 --> 00:19:56.720 align:middle line:90% I made for the windows. 00:19:56.720 --> 00:20:00.950 align:middle line:84% A tasteful slubbed weave and creamy beige? 00:20:00.950 --> 00:20:02.810 align:middle line:84% "I can see a lot of effort went into this," 00:20:02.810 --> 00:20:04.910 align:middle line:90% my mother said, not that nicely. 00:20:04.910 --> 00:20:07.670 align:middle line:90% 00:20:07.670 --> 00:20:09.320 align:middle line:84% "Isn't everything you fight for," 00:20:09.320 --> 00:20:11.600 align:middle line:84% I said, "the peace and the fair wages 00:20:11.600 --> 00:20:14.270 align:middle line:90% for the sake of each family?" 00:20:14.270 --> 00:20:16.400 align:middle line:84% "We fight for freedom," my sister said. 00:20:16.400 --> 00:20:19.340 align:middle line:90% "Not for cornflakes." 00:20:19.340 --> 00:20:22.790 align:middle line:84% But I fooled them all by being happy. 00:20:22.790 --> 00:20:25.820 align:middle line:84% Ted came home every day from being a permanent sub, 00:20:25.820 --> 00:20:27.740 align:middle line:90% teaching five English classes-- 00:20:27.740 --> 00:20:31.910 align:middle line:84% oh God, five-- of 9th and 10th graders in deepest Brooklyn, 00:20:31.910 --> 00:20:34.160 align:middle line:90% and he could be very funny. 00:20:34.160 --> 00:20:36.680 align:middle line:84% We crack up over their misapprehensions 00:20:36.680 --> 00:20:40.070 align:middle line:84% of Silas Marner and their hilarious sentences, 00:20:40.070 --> 00:20:42.680 align:middle line:84% and I'd get indignant on his behalf 00:20:42.680 --> 00:20:45.200 align:middle line:84% when the principal made absurd decrees. 00:20:45.200 --> 00:20:49.650 align:middle line:84% And in this spirit of teamwork, we ate my excellent meals. 00:20:49.650 --> 00:20:52.100 align:middle line:84% And by dessert, I was explaining why 00:20:52.100 --> 00:20:54.770 align:middle line:84% I thought Pearl Buck wasn't that great a writer 00:20:54.770 --> 00:20:58.100 align:middle line:84% or how Tolstoy could get into any character's head. 00:20:58.100 --> 00:21:00.410 align:middle line:90% I had plenty of time to read. 00:21:00.410 --> 00:21:02.420 align:middle line:90% We were happy in bed, too. 00:21:02.420 --> 00:21:05.330 align:middle line:84% I had a life of considerable animal pleasures, 00:21:05.330 --> 00:21:07.910 align:middle line:84% a day of simple tasks easily done, 00:21:07.910 --> 00:21:10.190 align:middle line:84% and a husband who treated me well. 00:21:10.190 --> 00:21:13.850 align:middle line:84% I felt very elemental in our fifth floor walk-up, 00:21:13.850 --> 00:21:17.360 align:middle line:84% with its clanging pipes and lopsided walls. 00:21:17.360 --> 00:21:21.080 align:middle line:84% I was a person who guessed right about what was essential. 00:21:21.080 --> 00:21:23.060 align:middle line:90% I had what I wanted. 00:21:23.060 --> 00:21:26.410 align:middle line:90% How many people have that? 00:21:26.410 --> 00:21:29.620 align:middle line:84% I didn't even mind this summer when our small boxed in rooms 00:21:29.620 --> 00:21:33.640 align:middle line:84% were airless ovens and we slept on the fire escape. 00:21:33.640 --> 00:21:36.280 align:middle line:84% Ted was teaching summer school to make more money. 00:21:36.280 --> 00:21:38.800 align:middle line:84% And in the days alone, I'd go dunk myself 00:21:38.800 --> 00:21:41.170 align:middle line:84% in the municipal pool on Carmine Street, 00:21:41.170 --> 00:21:43.300 align:middle line:90% near where I used to live. 00:21:43.300 --> 00:21:47.080 align:middle line:84% The pool was so crowded, it was like swimming on the subway. 00:21:47.080 --> 00:21:50.230 align:middle line:84% But I'd see Ruthie or other girls I'd known in high school, 00:21:50.230 --> 00:21:54.700 align:middle line:84% and I felt older, calmer, less worried than they were. 00:21:54.700 --> 00:21:56.950 align:middle line:84% I'd lie on a towel in my bathing suit 00:21:56.950 --> 00:22:01.990 align:middle line:84% and be very aware that my body was not a virgin's body. 00:22:01.990 --> 00:22:05.710 align:middle line:84% Summer school had all the students who'd flunked. 00:22:05.710 --> 00:22:07.570 align:middle line:84% And Ted was stuck with seventh grade-- 00:22:07.570 --> 00:22:09.400 align:middle line:84% which he wasn't even licensed for-- 00:22:09.400 --> 00:22:13.690 align:middle line:84% a nightmarish age, squirming, untamed creatures. 00:22:13.690 --> 00:22:16.600 align:middle line:84% He could not get them interested in the poetry of Oliver Wendell 00:22:16.600 --> 00:22:19.420 align:middle line:84% Holmes or the need for verb agreement. 00:22:19.420 --> 00:22:23.290 align:middle line:84% They were always talking, eating candy, passing notes, 00:22:23.290 --> 00:22:28.630 align:middle line:84% exploding into elicit laughter over who knew what. 00:22:28.630 --> 00:22:30.970 align:middle line:84% One evening, Ted said he had worked 00:22:30.970 --> 00:22:33.640 align:middle line:90% out a plan for dominance. 00:22:33.640 --> 00:22:36.040 align:middle line:84% He told the class that any student who 00:22:36.040 --> 00:22:38.650 align:middle line:84% reported on another student eating in class 00:22:38.650 --> 00:22:41.230 align:middle line:84% or passing a note would be rewarded 00:22:41.230 --> 00:22:46.140 align:middle line:84% with an extra tenth of a point toward his or her grade. 00:22:46.140 --> 00:22:48.030 align:middle line:84% "You're training them to rat on each other?" 00:22:48.030 --> 00:22:49.800 align:middle line:90% I said. 00:22:49.800 --> 00:22:54.540 align:middle line:84% "I'm teaching them to be loyal to me above all." 00:22:54.540 --> 00:22:57.120 align:middle line:90% "That's fascism," I said. 00:22:57.120 --> 00:22:58.890 align:middle line:90% He laughed. 00:22:58.890 --> 00:23:01.530 align:middle line:84% In my family, ratting was the lowest of the low. 00:23:01.530 --> 00:23:04.920 align:middle line:84% My father had survived in prison by not breaking solidarity 00:23:04.920 --> 00:23:08.910 align:middle line:84% with other inmates and refusing special favors from the warden, 00:23:08.910 --> 00:23:11.190 align:middle line:90% lest people think he was a spy. 00:23:11.190 --> 00:23:13.950 align:middle line:84% And in the years since, more than one friend 00:23:13.950 --> 00:23:16.110 align:middle line:84% had gone to prison rather than give 00:23:16.110 --> 00:23:19.350 align:middle line:84% any names of people who belonged to the so-called Communist 00:23:19.350 --> 00:23:21.260 align:middle line:90% fronts. 00:23:21.260 --> 00:23:23.870 align:middle line:84% "So you bribe them to turn each other in?" 00:23:23.870 --> 00:23:24.750 align:middle line:90% I said. 00:23:24.750 --> 00:23:27.260 align:middle line:84% "And you're going to give them a false grade 00:23:27.260 --> 00:23:30.550 align:middle line:90% with padded points?" 00:23:30.550 --> 00:23:33.400 align:middle line:84% "You know absolutely nothing about keeping control 00:23:33.400 --> 00:23:34.960 align:middle line:90% in the classroom," he said. 00:23:34.960 --> 00:23:39.300 align:middle line:90% "You have no idea, do you?" 00:23:39.300 --> 00:23:42.270 align:middle line:84% Ted came home the next day and said, "Ha! 00:23:42.270 --> 00:23:43.980 align:middle line:90% It's working." 00:23:43.980 --> 00:23:47.070 align:middle line:84% Three boys were turned in for eating a bag of Tootsie Rolls. 00:23:47.070 --> 00:23:49.500 align:middle line:84% He'd sent the three to the principal's office 00:23:49.500 --> 00:23:53.760 align:middle line:84% while Ricky, the kid reported them, crowed in his seat 00:23:53.760 --> 00:23:56.310 align:middle line:90% and was full of himself all day. 00:23:56.310 --> 00:24:00.090 align:middle line:84% When the boys came back to class the following day, 00:24:00.090 --> 00:24:02.490 align:middle line:84% they stole Ricky's shoes, ripped his shirt, 00:24:02.490 --> 00:24:05.190 align:middle line:84% and then claimed to find a half-eaten Milky 00:24:05.190 --> 00:24:06.810 align:middle line:90% Way on his desk. 00:24:06.810 --> 00:24:08.350 align:middle line:90% "Here is the evidence. 00:24:08.350 --> 00:24:10.950 align:middle line:84% You said we had to have evidence." 00:24:10.950 --> 00:24:14.130 align:middle line:84% Ted walked all four of them, whining in protest, 00:24:14.130 --> 00:24:15.960 align:middle line:90% to the principal. 00:24:15.960 --> 00:24:19.350 align:middle line:84% All was calm, except the principal came by after school 00:24:19.350 --> 00:24:22.695 align:middle line:84% to ask why Ted was having so much trouble. 00:24:22.695 --> 00:24:26.120 align:middle line:90% "Uh oh," I said, 00:24:26.120 --> 00:24:29.060 align:middle line:84% "I have to think of other punishments." 00:24:29.060 --> 00:24:30.950 align:middle line:90% "You had to what?" 00:24:30.950 --> 00:24:34.010 align:middle line:84% I saw there I didn't know him very well, which 00:24:34.010 --> 00:24:36.590 align:middle line:90% made me feel extremely stupid. 00:24:36.590 --> 00:24:39.440 align:middle line:84% I hadn't seen him this way before 00:24:39.440 --> 00:24:42.950 align:middle line:84% because I hadn't seen him up close when he was losing. 00:24:42.950 --> 00:24:44.480 align:middle line:90% He was losing this class. 00:24:44.480 --> 00:24:47.480 align:middle line:90% I could tell. 00:24:47.480 --> 00:24:52.160 align:middle line:84% The punishment he invented was docking their grades. 00:24:52.160 --> 00:24:53.870 align:middle line:84% And the summer became a tournament 00:24:53.870 --> 00:24:57.470 align:middle line:84% of shave points up and down, a mess of calculations, 00:24:57.470 --> 00:25:00.230 align:middle line:84% and pettiness, and futile warfare. 00:25:00.230 --> 00:25:03.320 align:middle line:84% He explained its progress often, and I could never 00:25:03.320 --> 00:25:05.480 align:middle line:90% follow what he was saying. 00:25:05.480 --> 00:25:09.530 align:middle line:84% I felt sorry for him, with his bluster and his vain efforts. 00:25:09.530 --> 00:25:11.840 align:middle line:90% Who was he kidding? 00:25:11.840 --> 00:25:15.200 align:middle line:84% I felt increasingly sorry for me. 00:25:15.200 --> 00:25:17.420 align:middle line:84% Not that there was much to do about it, but 00:25:17.420 --> 00:25:19.910 align:middle line:84% why did I wait at the end of every day with dinner 00:25:19.910 --> 00:25:24.110 align:middle line:84% on the stove for a conversation I only wanted to get away from? 00:25:24.110 --> 00:25:28.860 align:middle line:84% The system didn't work if I didn't believe in him. 00:25:28.860 --> 00:25:31.890 align:middle line:84% Everything seemed ridiculous, including the drapes 00:25:31.890 --> 00:25:34.330 align:middle line:90% I'd been so tickled with. 00:25:34.330 --> 00:25:37.840 align:middle line:84% And who and who did I think I was? 00:25:37.840 --> 00:25:39.580 align:middle line:84% "Feet of clay," anyone would have 00:25:39.580 --> 00:25:41.980 align:middle line:84% said, if I had complained about my husband. 00:25:41.980 --> 00:25:45.460 align:middle line:84% "A mere bump in the long and winding road of marriage." 00:25:45.460 --> 00:25:48.700 align:middle line:84% My mother guessed, and I didn't want her to guess. 00:25:48.700 --> 00:25:51.130 align:middle line:84% I could tell by the way she peered at me 00:25:51.130 --> 00:25:53.200 align:middle line:90% and patted my hand. 00:25:53.200 --> 00:25:55.195 align:middle line:84% I told my mother I wasn't pregnant, 00:25:55.195 --> 00:25:58.820 align:middle line:84% if that's what she was worried about. 00:25:58.820 --> 00:26:02.240 align:middle line:84% We were still having sex, and I didn't hate the sex either. 00:26:02.240 --> 00:26:05.150 align:middle line:84% It was now a more private set of excitements, 00:26:05.150 --> 00:26:08.550 align:middle line:84% as if I were crying out to myself. 00:26:08.550 --> 00:26:11.630 align:middle line:84% What a liar I was becoming on all counts, 00:26:11.630 --> 00:26:14.420 align:middle line:90% scared and selfish both. 00:26:14.420 --> 00:26:17.960 align:middle line:90% Ted half knew, but only half. 00:26:17.960 --> 00:26:21.200 align:middle line:84% Some women stayed in love with their husband's long 00:26:21.200 --> 00:26:25.070 align:middle line:84% after the men began to beat them or cheat on them 00:26:25.070 --> 00:26:26.990 align:middle line:90% or publicly shame them. 00:26:26.990 --> 00:26:30.290 align:middle line:84% Ted was hardly guilty of anything worse than being 00:26:30.290 --> 00:26:32.360 align:middle line:90% a new and incompetent teacher. 00:26:32.360 --> 00:26:33.440 align:middle line:90% I knew that. 00:26:33.440 --> 00:26:35.660 align:middle line:90% I told myself that. 00:26:35.660 --> 00:26:38.720 align:middle line:84% I'm just going to read you one more little section. 00:26:38.720 --> 00:26:41.930 align:middle line:84% Ted does sort of know that she's becoming disenchanted with him. 00:26:41.930 --> 00:26:44.570 align:middle line:84% And they quarrel very badly, but they make up. 00:26:44.570 --> 00:26:47.060 align:middle line:90% She doesn't want to lose him. 00:26:47.060 --> 00:26:50.285 align:middle line:84% And I'm just going to read you one little extra section. 00:26:50.285 --> 00:26:53.940 align:middle line:90% 00:26:53.940 --> 00:26:56.820 align:middle line:84% This is after they've been fighting. 00:26:56.820 --> 00:26:59.160 align:middle line:84% All that suffering had a good effect on us 00:26:59.160 --> 00:27:01.470 align:middle line:84% in bed, as if we had been through a war 00:27:01.470 --> 00:27:04.630 align:middle line:84% together as comrades, not enemies. 00:27:04.630 --> 00:27:07.350 align:middle line:84% Our natures were more fully bared to each other. 00:27:07.350 --> 00:27:09.510 align:middle line:84% We had only to take off our clothes 00:27:09.510 --> 00:27:13.110 align:middle line:84% to be our more audacious, less innocent selves. 00:27:13.110 --> 00:27:14.040 align:middle line:90% We knew more. 00:27:14.040 --> 00:27:15.570 align:middle line:90% We went further. 00:27:15.570 --> 00:27:22.030 align:middle line:84% It startled us both, and we laughed in astonishment after. 00:27:22.030 --> 00:27:24.790 align:middle line:84% When Ted went back to school in September, 00:27:24.790 --> 00:27:26.710 align:middle line:90% he was given an extra class. 00:27:26.710 --> 00:27:28.510 align:middle line:90% Could his day be any fuller? 00:27:28.510 --> 00:27:31.360 align:middle line:84% and I was outraged for him, which he liked. 00:27:31.360 --> 00:27:34.450 align:middle line:84% When he had to appear at Meet The Teachers night, 00:27:34.450 --> 00:27:37.270 align:middle line:84% I decided to be eager to be in the audience. 00:27:37.270 --> 00:27:40.780 align:middle line:84% I sat with the other wives in the big wood and linoleum 00:27:40.780 --> 00:27:44.260 align:middle line:84% auditorium, surrounded by a sea of parents, 00:27:44.260 --> 00:27:46.480 align:middle line:84% while our spouses stood and explained 00:27:46.480 --> 00:27:48.640 align:middle line:90% their educational goals. 00:27:48.640 --> 00:27:50.950 align:middle line:84% Ted said he hoped to bring students 00:27:50.950 --> 00:27:55.450 align:middle line:84% to an understanding of the power of the English language. 00:27:55.450 --> 00:27:57.700 align:middle line:84% A Mr. Sloane, whose wife was next to me 00:27:57.700 --> 00:28:02.240 align:middle line:84% said, he believed that algebra refined all thinking. 00:28:02.240 --> 00:28:05.950 align:middle line:84% "Well, they have to say something," the wife whispered. 00:28:05.950 --> 00:28:09.100 align:middle line:84% "Or take the Fifth Amendment," I said. 00:28:09.100 --> 00:28:10.660 align:middle line:84% A Latin teacher in the school had 00:28:10.660 --> 00:28:13.420 align:middle line:84% been fired for doing that when asked about communists 00:28:13.420 --> 00:28:14.740 align:middle line:90% in the teachers' union. 00:28:14.740 --> 00:28:18.250 align:middle line:84% And I suddenly thought, this is not my best joke. 00:28:18.250 --> 00:28:19.820 align:middle line:90% Not funny to me. 00:28:19.820 --> 00:28:22.030 align:middle line:90% But the woman smiled. 00:28:22.030 --> 00:28:25.210 align:middle line:84% "At least they're not talking about locking the bad students 00:28:25.210 --> 00:28:26.710 align:middle line:90% in the closet," she murmured. 00:28:26.710 --> 00:28:29.470 align:middle line:84% "They used to do that when I was a kid. 00:28:29.470 --> 00:28:31.600 align:middle line:90% Some of them need it now." 00:28:31.600 --> 00:28:34.460 align:middle line:90% "I'll say," she said. 00:28:34.460 --> 00:28:39.230 align:middle line:84% "My husband bribes them to rat on each other," I said. 00:28:39.230 --> 00:28:42.050 align:middle line:90% "Does he?" she said. 00:28:42.050 --> 00:28:45.890 align:middle line:84% Someone shushed us and I flinched in my seat. 00:28:45.890 --> 00:28:48.290 align:middle line:90% It was right to shut me up. 00:28:48.290 --> 00:28:50.390 align:middle line:84% What sort of person had I become now 00:28:50.390 --> 00:28:52.640 align:middle line:90% with spite leaking out of me? 00:28:52.640 --> 00:28:56.630 align:middle line:84% If Ted had started baiting and buying off his ninth graders, 00:28:56.630 --> 00:28:59.060 align:middle line:90% what did it matter to me? 00:28:59.060 --> 00:29:01.490 align:middle line:84% I had to hope she would forget my words. 00:29:01.490 --> 00:29:04.010 align:middle line:84% Why would she bother to remember? 00:29:04.010 --> 00:29:07.310 align:middle line:84% And I got away from Mrs. Sloane when we all filed into the gym 00:29:07.310 --> 00:29:09.560 align:middle line:90% for punch and cookies. 00:29:09.560 --> 00:29:12.440 align:middle line:84% "You were excellent," I said to Ted. 00:29:12.440 --> 00:29:15.830 align:middle line:90% "Oh shucks," he said. 00:29:15.830 --> 00:29:17.900 align:middle line:90% But I knew what I was. 00:29:17.900 --> 00:29:22.190 align:middle line:84% At the slightest opportunity, at the first instant that offered, 00:29:22.190 --> 00:29:23.930 align:middle line:90% I'd informed on my husband. 00:29:23.930 --> 00:29:26.090 align:middle line:90% Just like that. 00:29:26.090 --> 00:29:29.420 align:middle line:84% Speaking against him had been very easy. 00:29:29.420 --> 00:29:32.570 align:middle line:84% Every day, people were hounded for refusing to bear witness 00:29:32.570 --> 00:29:33.740 align:middle line:90% against someone. 00:29:33.740 --> 00:29:36.680 align:middle line:84% They were fired or arrested or blacklisted 00:29:36.680 --> 00:29:38.040 align:middle line:90% for being un-American. 00:29:38.040 --> 00:29:42.430 align:middle line:84% And still, they kept their mouths shut, on principle. 00:29:42.430 --> 00:29:43.870 align:middle line:90% And me? 00:29:43.870 --> 00:29:47.320 align:middle line:84% I leaped at the chance to spread a small bit of damage 00:29:47.320 --> 00:29:50.770 align:middle line:84% about the man I slept with every night. 00:29:50.770 --> 00:29:51.830 align:middle line:90% I'm going to stop here. 00:29:51.830 --> 00:29:52.330 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:29:52.330 --> 00:29:54.180 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:29:54.180 --> 00:30:03.000 align:middle line:90%