WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.930 align:middle line:90% Nervous y'all 00:00:00.930 --> 00:00:03.600 align:middle line:90% I don't know why. 00:00:03.600 --> 00:00:06.480 align:middle line:84% So I just want to say thank you to the Poetry Center 00:00:06.480 --> 00:00:07.240 align:middle line:90% for inviting me. 00:00:07.240 --> 00:00:10.110 align:middle line:90% It's a big honor. 00:00:10.110 --> 00:00:12.120 align:middle line:84% I love it here, and teaching here also 00:00:12.120 --> 00:00:14.430 align:middle line:90% is just a magical thing. 00:00:14.430 --> 00:00:16.560 align:middle line:84% I also want to note that Mary has 00:00:16.560 --> 00:00:20.940 align:middle line:84% been here writing and facing her writing demons for three weeks 00:00:20.940 --> 00:00:24.720 align:middle line:84% alone in that little room, and so we really want 00:00:24.720 --> 00:00:26.560 align:middle line:90% to honor you for your work. 00:00:26.560 --> 00:00:28.860 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:00:28.860 --> 00:00:30.600 align:middle line:84% What I'm reading tonight, my class-- 00:00:30.600 --> 00:00:32.640 align:middle line:84% my plot classes this week we were 00:00:32.640 --> 00:00:34.050 align:middle line:84% talking about The Hero's Journey, 00:00:34.050 --> 00:00:35.820 align:middle line:84% Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey. 00:00:35.820 --> 00:00:37.320 align:middle line:84% And so the piece I'm reading tonight 00:00:37.320 --> 00:00:38.925 align:middle line:90% is a Hero's Journey piece. 00:00:38.925 --> 00:00:41.550 align:middle line:84% And I'm very interested in that, and the different ways that we 00:00:41.550 --> 00:00:45.600 align:middle line:84% move through our lives, and the ways that echoes 00:00:45.600 --> 00:00:48.240 align:middle line:90% all over cultures and worlds. 00:00:48.240 --> 00:00:49.920 align:middle line:84% And this, "The Baker's Daughter," 00:00:49.920 --> 00:00:52.470 align:middle line:84% is the story I'm going to read, and it came out 00:00:52.470 --> 00:00:54.330 align:middle line:84% of a larger novel that I was working 00:00:54.330 --> 00:00:58.470 align:middle line:84% on called Dr. Porchiet's Dream, and the narrator of this story 00:00:58.470 --> 00:01:00.990 align:middle line:84% just kept insisting, insisting, insisting 00:01:00.990 --> 00:01:02.620 align:middle line:90% that she have her own story. 00:01:02.620 --> 00:01:05.850 align:middle line:90% So here is her story. 00:01:05.850 --> 00:01:09.420 align:middle line:84% I was a baker's daughter, and this baker, my father, 00:01:09.420 --> 00:01:11.310 align:middle line:90% dreamt of sunny fields. 00:01:11.310 --> 00:01:13.740 align:middle line:84% He fed me stories of a farming life 00:01:13.740 --> 00:01:16.470 align:middle line:84% until he died in one of those fields, 00:01:16.470 --> 00:01:19.380 align:middle line:84% alone under a burning August sun. 00:01:19.380 --> 00:01:22.050 align:middle line:84% Then I was raised by my mother, who can't 00:01:22.050 --> 00:01:24.540 align:middle line:90% be blamed for her thin heart. 00:01:24.540 --> 00:01:26.640 align:middle line:84% I'm sure there is much comment in town 00:01:26.640 --> 00:01:29.040 align:middle line:84% as to how these details made me what I am, 00:01:29.040 --> 00:01:31.650 align:middle line:90% but this is not the whole story. 00:01:31.650 --> 00:01:35.400 align:middle line:84% After my father's accident, his red loam in the soil, 00:01:35.400 --> 00:01:37.530 align:middle line:90% my mother became a shadow. 00:01:37.530 --> 00:01:39.510 align:middle line:84% After my father's accident, my mother 00:01:39.510 --> 00:01:44.610 align:middle line:84% merely said, no more lessons for you then, now you are a baker. 00:01:44.610 --> 00:01:46.500 align:middle line:84% That was the end of school and of being 00:01:46.500 --> 00:01:48.300 align:middle line:90% with other children my age. 00:01:48.300 --> 00:01:50.520 align:middle line:84% My father, too, had been raised a baker 00:01:50.520 --> 00:01:52.440 align:middle line:90% despite his dreams of farming. 00:01:52.440 --> 00:01:54.600 align:middle line:84% Forced into baking as he had been 00:01:54.600 --> 00:01:56.490 align:middle line:90% was my only connection to him. 00:01:56.490 --> 00:02:00.060 align:middle line:84% And after his accident, I twisted dough, spooned jelly, 00:02:00.060 --> 00:02:02.340 align:middle line:84% and sprinkled sugar fervently, hoping 00:02:02.340 --> 00:02:04.860 align:middle line:84% that it would bring him, or something good, 00:02:04.860 --> 00:02:06.990 align:middle line:90% back into my life. 00:02:06.990 --> 00:02:09.060 align:middle line:84% Alone with the rising bread most mornings, 00:02:09.060 --> 00:02:11.100 align:middle line:84% I was aware of the building's decay. 00:02:11.100 --> 00:02:14.370 align:middle line:84% Mice nod in the corners and skitter on pink feet. 00:02:14.370 --> 00:02:16.470 align:middle line:90% The walls spiraled mold. 00:02:16.470 --> 00:02:19.560 align:middle line:84% The barrels shifted inside like old maids. 00:02:19.560 --> 00:02:21.790 align:middle line:84% For the first 15 years of my life, 00:02:21.790 --> 00:02:25.110 align:middle line:84% my father had talked of sun and farming, of change and growing 00:02:25.110 --> 00:02:28.020 align:middle line:84% things, but in the year after his accident 00:02:28.020 --> 00:02:31.470 align:middle line:84% the land he'd bought was left to go wild, and my mother 00:02:31.470 --> 00:02:33.900 align:middle line:84% and I plunged into flour, scratching out 00:02:33.900 --> 00:02:36.750 align:middle line:90% a living in bread and rolls. 00:02:36.750 --> 00:02:38.580 align:middle line:84% I wanted my father back so desperately. 00:02:38.580 --> 00:02:41.040 align:middle line:84% I was blank and half blind for weeks. 00:02:41.040 --> 00:02:44.070 align:middle line:84% My mother closed the bakery for one day only, 00:02:44.070 --> 00:02:47.580 align:middle line:84% the day we buried him, and one day after that she insisted 00:02:47.580 --> 00:02:49.860 align:middle line:84% that I come down and sell the bread no matter 00:02:49.860 --> 00:02:51.720 align:middle line:90% how red my eyes were. 00:02:51.720 --> 00:02:54.510 align:middle line:84% Months passed with no conversation between us, 00:02:54.510 --> 00:02:57.450 align:middle line:84% and then mildly, we began to talk of baking. 00:02:57.450 --> 00:03:02.100 align:middle line:84% We never spoke, not ever again, of my father. 00:03:02.100 --> 00:03:04.980 align:middle line:84% One day, I over-yeasted a set of loaves. 00:03:04.980 --> 00:03:07.260 align:middle line:84% When I took them from the oven, their golden bulk 00:03:07.260 --> 00:03:08.340 align:middle line:90% dwarfing the paddle. 00:03:08.340 --> 00:03:10.650 align:middle line:84% The curved edges beckoning touch. 00:03:10.650 --> 00:03:13.860 align:middle line:84% I was struck by their fat, enticing shapes. 00:03:13.860 --> 00:03:16.320 align:middle line:84% I felt a bubble of sorrow burst inside me, 00:03:16.320 --> 00:03:18.210 align:middle line:84% and I hurled the loaves to the floor. 00:03:18.210 --> 00:03:19.800 align:middle line:90% I saw how it would go. 00:03:19.800 --> 00:03:22.050 align:middle line:84% My mother and I would stay in the bakery fighting 00:03:22.050 --> 00:03:24.330 align:middle line:84% the mice and the weevils, and we would grow thin 00:03:24.330 --> 00:03:26.040 align:middle line:84% and crack and mold while we baked 00:03:26.040 --> 00:03:28.080 align:middle line:90% the plain breads of a village. 00:03:28.080 --> 00:03:30.260 align:middle line:84% Would there be no time when I would tempt 00:03:30.260 --> 00:03:32.340 align:middle line:90% touch like those comely loaves? 00:03:32.340 --> 00:03:34.200 align:middle line:90% I swore there would. 00:03:34.200 --> 00:03:35.790 align:middle line:84% With the courage of this decision, 00:03:35.790 --> 00:03:38.640 align:middle line:84% I picked up each dirty loaf from the floor, tore it in half, 00:03:38.640 --> 00:03:40.710 align:middle line:90% and threw it away. 00:03:40.710 --> 00:03:43.170 align:middle line:84% It was around that time that the squire's son 00:03:43.170 --> 00:03:45.000 align:middle line:90% began to visit the bakery. 00:03:45.000 --> 00:03:48.120 align:middle line:84% We knew stories of him, of his gluttonous ways. 00:03:48.120 --> 00:03:53.010 align:middle line:84% Not just for pastries and bread, but beer, wine, meat, gambling, 00:03:53.010 --> 00:03:53.910 align:middle line:90% tobacco. 00:03:53.910 --> 00:03:57.090 align:middle line:84% For fast strong horses barely broken. 00:03:57.090 --> 00:03:59.760 align:middle line:84% His gloves were made of fine kid, 00:03:59.760 --> 00:04:02.640 align:middle line:84% and his manner with my mother and me was genteel. 00:04:02.640 --> 00:04:05.370 align:middle line:84% But the squire's son never made it through a visit 00:04:05.370 --> 00:04:08.820 align:middle line:84% to our bakery without cramming an apple tart in his red mouth, 00:04:08.820 --> 00:04:11.790 align:middle line:84% or a sugar knot, or a hunk of bread. 00:04:11.790 --> 00:04:15.720 align:middle line:84% He was the kind of man who would satisfy his urges, regardless. 00:04:15.720 --> 00:04:18.000 align:middle line:84% I began to wait for each visit and watch 00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:21.899 align:middle line:84% as crumbs littered his vest and fell to the floor around him. 00:04:21.899 --> 00:04:24.060 align:middle line:84% I piled the items he ordered up to be 00:04:24.060 --> 00:04:28.140 align:middle line:84% sent to the estate with a sense of building anticipation. 00:04:28.140 --> 00:04:31.020 align:middle line:84% The squires son had uncommonly blue eyes and one morning 00:04:31.020 --> 00:04:32.700 align:middle line:84% when those eyes followed me as I held 00:04:32.700 --> 00:04:35.490 align:middle line:84% a tray of jam-filled muffins, I could feel them 00:04:35.490 --> 00:04:36.900 align:middle line:90% as if they were a hand. 00:04:36.900 --> 00:04:39.720 align:middle line:84% The hair on my arms rose at his glance. 00:04:39.720 --> 00:04:43.020 align:middle line:84% It was those eyes that firmed my decision. 00:04:43.020 --> 00:04:45.205 align:middle line:84% People said it was shameful, a squire's son 00:04:45.205 --> 00:04:46.830 align:middle line:84% ordering his own goods from the bakery, 00:04:46.830 --> 00:04:48.390 align:middle line:90% and indeed, it was rare. 00:04:48.390 --> 00:04:49.910 align:middle line:90% My mother tsked over it. 00:04:49.910 --> 00:04:52.650 align:middle line:84% It is unfavorable, she said, to appear as though we're 00:04:52.650 --> 00:04:54.700 align:middle line:90% getting special attention. 00:04:54.700 --> 00:04:56.190 align:middle line:84% What does it matter, I asked her. 00:04:56.190 --> 00:04:57.660 align:middle line:90% We don't have any friends. 00:04:57.660 --> 00:05:01.270 align:middle line:84% Besides, I said, I like that he comes here. 00:05:01.270 --> 00:05:03.040 align:middle line:84% This caused my mother to glare at me 00:05:03.040 --> 00:05:05.680 align:middle line:90% and then look away with a sniff. 00:05:05.680 --> 00:05:07.390 align:middle line:84% One morning, she tapped a fresh loaf 00:05:07.390 --> 00:05:11.950 align:middle line:84% and said, as bread is not done until it has a crust, so it 00:05:11.950 --> 00:05:14.170 align:middle line:90% must be the heart of a woman. 00:05:14.170 --> 00:05:16.540 align:middle line:84% I stared at her without speaking until she 00:05:16.540 --> 00:05:18.280 align:middle line:90% rose and left the room. 00:05:18.280 --> 00:05:21.340 align:middle line:84% I was shocked to understand she believed a girl's life was only 00:05:21.340 --> 00:05:24.790 align:middle line:84% a vessel to be filled and scorched, broken or ruined. 00:05:24.790 --> 00:05:27.790 align:middle line:84% She knew nothing of hearts, nothing of love. 00:05:27.790 --> 00:05:30.310 align:middle line:84% Baking when she should be mourning her husband. 00:05:30.310 --> 00:05:32.980 align:middle line:84% I would never listen to advice from such a woman, 00:05:32.980 --> 00:05:35.890 align:middle line:90% her own heart charred black. 00:05:35.890 --> 00:05:39.880 align:middle line:84% On bad days I was haunted by a vision of my father dying, not 00:05:39.880 --> 00:05:43.660 align:middle line:84% how we found him, in a pool of Black blood, the gashed leg, 00:05:43.660 --> 00:05:45.520 align:middle line:84% flies on the buttons of his jacket, 00:05:45.520 --> 00:05:49.360 align:middle line:84% as well as his eyes, currants on a gingerbread man. 00:05:49.360 --> 00:05:52.120 align:middle line:84% This I tried not to remember, but sometimes I 00:05:52.120 --> 00:05:54.310 align:middle line:84% couldn't help but imagine him before they found him 00:05:54.310 --> 00:05:56.410 align:middle line:84% after the accidental swing of the ax. 00:05:56.410 --> 00:05:58.210 align:middle line:84% The thunk of the blade and the leg. 00:05:58.210 --> 00:05:59.950 align:middle line:84% The hours he spent dragging himself 00:05:59.950 --> 00:06:02.740 align:middle line:84% from the wood pile across fields and through thickets 00:06:02.740 --> 00:06:05.980 align:middle line:84% seeking help, while the blood flowed down from him. 00:06:05.980 --> 00:06:08.950 align:middle line:84% I thought about how he died alone in the sun that day. 00:06:08.950 --> 00:06:11.410 align:middle line:84% It was something I could not forgive. 00:06:11.410 --> 00:06:15.460 align:middle line:84% Just as purpose grew in me, I felt a hardness also, 00:06:15.460 --> 00:06:18.160 align:middle line:90% the crust, my mother mentioned. 00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:20.200 align:middle line:90% Also, I baked. 00:06:20.200 --> 00:06:22.240 align:middle line:84% I helped the squire to my buttered knots, 00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:24.820 align:middle line:84% letting him know that their feathery lightness, 00:06:24.820 --> 00:06:27.580 align:middle line:84% their delicious crisping had everything to do with me 00:06:27.580 --> 00:06:28.870 align:middle line:90% and only me. 00:06:28.870 --> 00:06:30.790 align:middle line:84% With shy compliments and inquiries, 00:06:30.790 --> 00:06:33.910 align:middle line:84% I encouraged him to unfold his dreams for his own squirehood. 00:06:33.910 --> 00:06:36.820 align:middle line:84% His unrealistic plans for the land. 00:06:36.820 --> 00:06:39.880 align:middle line:84% His grandiose ideas for the people. 00:06:39.880 --> 00:06:43.120 align:middle line:84% He gobbled down meat pies, shortbread, lemon tarts, 00:06:43.120 --> 00:06:45.460 align:middle line:90% while I drew him ever nearer. 00:06:45.460 --> 00:06:47.140 align:middle line:84% Outside the shop, I heard the lady 00:06:47.140 --> 00:06:49.360 align:middle line:84% scold and fluster over the squire's neglect 00:06:49.360 --> 00:06:50.830 align:middle line:90% of their eligible daughters. 00:06:50.830 --> 00:06:53.830 align:middle line:84% They cruelly enumerated how poor and young I was, 00:06:53.830 --> 00:06:57.040 align:middle line:84% but I did not care, even when they called me a temptress. 00:06:57.040 --> 00:07:00.100 align:middle line:90% I could feel my success rising. 00:07:00.100 --> 00:07:02.290 align:middle line:84% One day my mother said why must you 00:07:02.290 --> 00:07:04.330 align:middle line:84% be the one to use up all the dearest ingredients 00:07:04.330 --> 00:07:05.410 align:middle line:90% in your foolish goods. 00:07:05.410 --> 00:07:08.410 align:middle line:84% Can I not have a jot of butter for my own baking. 00:07:08.410 --> 00:07:10.490 align:middle line:90% I see, and let that question. 00:07:10.490 --> 00:07:11.110 align:middle line:90% hang. 00:07:11.110 --> 00:07:13.480 align:middle line:90% Who was she to stand in my way. 00:07:13.480 --> 00:07:16.900 align:middle line:84% The pale skin around her face bagged like melting wax. 00:07:16.900 --> 00:07:19.930 align:middle line:84% The gray hair on her head pulled into a bun too tight. 00:07:19.930 --> 00:07:22.420 align:middle line:84% She was a portrait of forfeit joy. 00:07:22.420 --> 00:07:25.660 align:middle line:84% In that moment, I saw she would keep me as I was forever, 00:07:25.660 --> 00:07:28.810 align:middle line:90% and I hated her for it. 00:07:28.810 --> 00:07:31.600 align:middle line:84% Fine, I said coldly, keep your ingredients. 00:07:31.600 --> 00:07:33.520 align:middle line:90% I will find my own. 00:07:33.520 --> 00:07:35.830 align:middle line:84% That very day I went out to the woods. 00:07:35.830 --> 00:07:37.900 align:middle line:84% I carried a basket and a cloth bag, 00:07:37.900 --> 00:07:39.370 align:middle line:90% not even sure what I sought. 00:07:39.370 --> 00:07:40.840 align:middle line:90% Mushrooms, I thought vaguely. 00:07:40.840 --> 00:07:42.010 align:middle line:90% Something green. 00:07:42.010 --> 00:07:44.530 align:middle line:90% Something for savory pies. 00:07:44.530 --> 00:07:47.200 align:middle line:84% My father had been teaching me things about the woods, things 00:07:47.200 --> 00:07:49.330 align:middle line:84% we could and could not eat from the land, 00:07:49.330 --> 00:07:51.760 align:middle line:84% so I knew there were finds to be had. 00:07:51.760 --> 00:07:54.100 align:middle line:84% I entered the woods and they were dark, much cooler 00:07:54.100 --> 00:07:56.890 align:middle line:84% than a sunny field I spent all day crossing. 00:07:56.890 --> 00:07:58.900 align:middle line:90% Moss licked the trees. 00:07:58.900 --> 00:08:01.030 align:middle line:84% It was beautiful and quiet and clean 00:08:01.030 --> 00:08:03.490 align:middle line:84% in a way the bakery could never be clean. 00:08:03.490 --> 00:08:05.530 align:middle line:84% I climbed over knobbed roots on the ground. 00:08:05.530 --> 00:08:07.570 align:middle line:90% I pushed past thin saplings. 00:08:07.570 --> 00:08:11.290 align:middle line:84% I was surprised how close I felt to my father there. 00:08:11.290 --> 00:08:13.270 align:middle line:84% Abruptly, I came upon a pool of water 00:08:13.270 --> 00:08:14.890 align:middle line:90% reflecting the forest light. 00:08:14.890 --> 00:08:17.500 align:middle line:84% Large green cabbage leaves crowded the banks, 00:08:17.500 --> 00:08:20.500 align:middle line:84% and the sun streamed down in vivid quills. 00:08:20.500 --> 00:08:22.390 align:middle line:84% I knelt and began cutting the leaves 00:08:22.390 --> 00:08:25.510 align:middle line:84% of their wet stems, surprised at the quick cut of my knife. 00:08:25.510 --> 00:08:28.240 align:middle line:84% I imagined chopping, boiling, draining them. 00:08:28.240 --> 00:08:31.330 align:middle line:84% I could see them twirled in dough, a rich green. 00:08:31.330 --> 00:08:34.090 align:middle line:84% I caught sight of movement in the waters of reflection 00:08:34.090 --> 00:08:35.620 align:middle line:90% and saw myself. 00:08:35.620 --> 00:08:36.940 align:middle line:90% I smiled. 00:08:36.940 --> 00:08:38.890 align:middle line:84% She surprised me in there, looking 00:08:38.890 --> 00:08:42.549 align:middle line:84% so much older than I felt. Was even my reflection's hair 00:08:42.549 --> 00:08:45.370 align:middle line:90% whiter, not blonde, but white? 00:08:45.370 --> 00:08:48.280 align:middle line:90% Was my face not bonier, sharper? 00:08:48.280 --> 00:08:51.490 align:middle line:84% A shiver came over me and I stepped away. 00:08:51.490 --> 00:08:55.090 align:middle line:84% Looking around, the cove came alive with possibility. 00:08:55.090 --> 00:08:57.820 align:middle line:90% Buds, berries, fat onion stalks. 00:08:57.820 --> 00:09:00.730 align:middle line:84% I began gathering, piling my finds into the gnarled roots 00:09:00.730 --> 00:09:01.660 align:middle line:90% of an oak tree. 00:09:01.660 --> 00:09:05.200 align:middle line:84% There were hazelnuts for chopping and roasting. 00:09:05.200 --> 00:09:07.990 align:middle line:84% I gathered these in my hands and dumped them in heaps. 00:09:07.990 --> 00:09:11.470 align:middle line:84% I found a bundle of dirt ringed mushrooms, a clawed branch 00:09:11.470 --> 00:09:12.760 align:middle line:90% dangling with berries. 00:09:12.760 --> 00:09:13.930 align:middle line:90% Hours passed. 00:09:13.930 --> 00:09:17.372 align:middle line:84% I climbed a small pine tree and found a nest of speckled eggs. 00:09:17.372 --> 00:09:19.330 align:middle line:84% When I finally went to the base of the Oak tree 00:09:19.330 --> 00:09:23.050 align:middle line:84% to pack everything, even when the basket and pouch were full 00:09:23.050 --> 00:09:24.730 align:middle line:90% there was still too much. 00:09:24.730 --> 00:09:28.660 align:middle line:84% I refused to leave any knobby root or tasty leaf behind. 00:09:28.660 --> 00:09:33.460 align:middle line:84% I tied the rest of the goods into my skirts in fat bulges. 00:09:33.460 --> 00:09:35.680 align:middle line:84% On the way home, I planned the order 00:09:35.680 --> 00:09:38.200 align:middle line:84% of stewing and roasting, frying and baking 00:09:38.200 --> 00:09:39.760 align:middle line:90% that would need to be done. 00:09:39.760 --> 00:09:41.530 align:middle line:84% I was startled at the edge of the village 00:09:41.530 --> 00:09:43.863 align:middle line:84% when I encountered a group of children on their way home 00:09:43.863 --> 00:09:44.590 align:middle line:90% from lessons. 00:09:44.590 --> 00:09:46.300 align:middle line:90% I smiled at them. 00:09:46.300 --> 00:09:49.060 align:middle line:84% One of them, an older boy I remembered from school 00:09:49.060 --> 00:09:51.580 align:middle line:84% for his lovely tawny curls, stared back. 00:09:51.580 --> 00:09:55.090 align:middle line:84% This boy turned to the others and said, stay out of her way 00:09:55.090 --> 00:09:57.040 align:middle line:90% she's a harpy. 00:09:57.040 --> 00:10:00.145 align:middle line:84% The younger children regarded me with wide startled eyes. 00:10:00.145 --> 00:10:03.820 align:middle line:84% I- I- I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say. 00:10:03.820 --> 00:10:06.032 align:middle line:84% Beside him, a tall girl I remembered for her tears 00:10:06.032 --> 00:10:07.990 align:middle line:84% when she had gotten an arithmetic problem wrong 00:10:07.990 --> 00:10:10.365 align:middle line:84% whispered to the children, she'll get a lock of your hair 00:10:10.365 --> 00:10:11.890 align:middle line:90% and cast a spell on you. 00:10:11.890 --> 00:10:13.450 align:middle line:84% This was too much for the children, 00:10:13.450 --> 00:10:15.550 align:middle line:84% who ran screaming with delight, followed 00:10:15.550 --> 00:10:17.980 align:middle line:84% by my one time classmates who hissed 00:10:17.980 --> 00:10:19.810 align:middle line:90% a few taunts as they left. 00:10:19.810 --> 00:10:23.920 align:middle line:84% I stood speechless, my skirt sagging with the woods bounty. 00:10:23.920 --> 00:10:26.200 align:middle line:84% I looked down at myself, and I saw how strange 00:10:26.200 --> 00:10:28.720 align:middle line:84% my appearance was, dirty and smeared and freighted 00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:30.190 align:middle line:90% with who knows what. 00:10:30.190 --> 00:10:33.010 align:middle line:84% I was shaken by their words, knowing 00:10:33.010 --> 00:10:34.960 align:middle line:90% why I'd gathered these things. 00:10:34.960 --> 00:10:39.370 align:middle line:84% Certainly it was a kind of witchcraft, what I intended. 00:10:39.370 --> 00:10:41.500 align:middle line:84% When I got to the bakery with my bundles, upset, 00:10:41.500 --> 00:10:42.820 align:middle line:90% my mother watched me. 00:10:42.820 --> 00:10:45.250 align:middle line:84% I began unfolding my skirt, spilling my goods 00:10:45.250 --> 00:10:46.630 align:middle line:90% onto the tabletops. 00:10:46.630 --> 00:10:49.870 align:middle line:84% Suddenly, she said, what's that dirt you're bringing in here? 00:10:49.870 --> 00:10:51.640 align:middle line:90% Goods for my baking. 00:10:51.640 --> 00:10:53.200 align:middle line:90% That's not baking. 00:10:53.200 --> 00:10:55.390 align:middle line:84% I turned to her and said, cooking then? 00:10:55.390 --> 00:10:56.980 align:middle line:90% Is cooking allowed? 00:10:56.980 --> 00:10:59.770 align:middle line:84% My mother stared over her thin nose at me. 00:10:59.770 --> 00:11:01.690 align:middle line:84% Carefully, I lifted the speckled eggs 00:11:01.690 --> 00:11:04.130 align:middle line:84% from the little nests of grass I'd wrapped them in. 00:11:04.130 --> 00:11:04.630 align:middle line:90% Ha. 00:11:04.630 --> 00:11:05.590 align:middle line:90% My mother sniffed. 00:11:05.590 --> 00:11:06.850 align:middle line:90% That's not baking. 00:11:06.850 --> 00:11:09.430 align:middle line:84% If I had flour, will you leave me be? 00:11:09.430 --> 00:11:12.460 align:middle line:84% Her lips pulled back from her teeth and a hard grin, 00:11:12.460 --> 00:11:15.160 align:middle line:84% more sorcery than baking, she hissed, 00:11:15.160 --> 00:11:19.090 align:middle line:84% and hunched over a bowl of farm eggs to whip them, 00:11:19.090 --> 00:11:20.320 align:middle line:90% I tried things. 00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:21.490 align:middle line:90% Some of them failed. 00:11:21.490 --> 00:11:24.760 align:middle line:84% Some of them are stringy, baked hard or gamey or muddled. 00:11:24.760 --> 00:11:30.670 align:middle line:84% I kept adding, trying bits from the farms and ponds nearby. 00:11:30.670 --> 00:11:33.220 align:middle line:84% I found that the ugliest mushrooms tasted the best. 00:11:33.220 --> 00:11:35.680 align:middle line:84% The duck fat made a rich binding. 00:11:35.680 --> 00:11:38.920 align:middle line:84% The pearled fish eggs added salt and texture. 00:11:38.920 --> 00:11:42.790 align:middle line:84% Encouraged by the taunts I'd received, I tried a few words. 00:11:42.790 --> 00:11:45.580 align:middle line:84% Quietly over the mixtures, I thought hard 00:11:45.580 --> 00:11:47.410 align:middle line:84% on the squire's son, picturing him 00:11:47.410 --> 00:11:50.140 align:middle line:84% not as he was, gobbling and crumbed, 00:11:50.140 --> 00:11:53.500 align:middle line:84% but as I imagined he could be, noble and handsome. 00:11:53.500 --> 00:11:57.070 align:middle line:84% I said things about affection and marriage and prosperity, 00:11:57.070 --> 00:11:59.960 align:middle line:84% things too silly to remember in detail. 00:11:59.960 --> 00:12:02.525 align:middle line:84% I did not know what I know now about incantations, 00:12:02.525 --> 00:12:04.150 align:middle line:84% and though these were awkward attempts, 00:12:04.150 --> 00:12:06.310 align:middle line:84% I could not say that they didn't work. 00:12:06.310 --> 00:12:09.490 align:middle line:84% No spell ever works exactly the same way twice. 00:12:09.490 --> 00:12:12.010 align:middle line:84% This is the secret of all sorcery. 00:12:12.010 --> 00:12:14.380 align:middle line:84% My savories began to draw more and more customers 00:12:14.380 --> 00:12:15.280 align:middle line:90% to the bakery. 00:12:15.280 --> 00:12:18.400 align:middle line:84% Not only the squire's son, but other great houses of the land 00:12:18.400 --> 00:12:19.960 align:middle line:90% came to us for my goods. 00:12:19.960 --> 00:12:23.770 align:middle line:84% Soon we had to store our coins in empty flour barrels, hidden 00:12:23.770 --> 00:12:24.850 align:middle line:90% in our rooms. 00:12:24.850 --> 00:12:27.970 align:middle line:84% Not once did my mother congratulate me. 00:12:27.970 --> 00:12:30.550 align:middle line:84% She merely kept all of her own work to one table, 00:12:30.550 --> 00:12:33.320 align:middle line:84% never tasting a single thing I made, and continued 00:12:33.320 --> 00:12:35.740 align:middle line:84% to churn out her own dull loaves, 00:12:35.740 --> 00:12:38.830 align:middle line:84% even though half of them never sold anymore. 00:12:38.830 --> 00:12:40.840 align:middle line:84% We tossed these leftovers out on a heap 00:12:40.840 --> 00:12:42.940 align:middle line:84% for the children who scavenged our bins. 00:12:42.940 --> 00:12:47.260 align:middle line:84% Of course, such plenty drew mice and rats, too. 00:12:47.260 --> 00:12:49.900 align:middle line:84% My father had told me ways to rid the bakery of vermin, 00:12:49.900 --> 00:12:51.760 align:middle line:84% but my mother ignored such trouble. 00:12:51.760 --> 00:12:55.000 align:middle line:84% When I came down one morning and found the flour torn 00:12:55.000 --> 00:12:57.760 align:middle line:84% in two and speckled with black droppings, 00:12:57.760 --> 00:13:00.910 align:middle line:84% I remembered a stand of pink foxglove I'd seen. 00:13:00.910 --> 00:13:03.340 align:middle line:84% I couldn't remember what torment my father warned, 00:13:03.340 --> 00:13:05.715 align:middle line:84% but he told me not to touch them with my fingers. 00:13:05.715 --> 00:13:07.840 align:middle line:84% I went to the field and picked some of their leaves 00:13:07.840 --> 00:13:10.240 align:middle line:84% with a small towel, carried them to the bakery, 00:13:10.240 --> 00:13:11.900 align:middle line:90% and tore them into a bowl. 00:13:11.900 --> 00:13:14.470 align:middle line:84% I baked the leaves into the tiniest rolls, 00:13:14.470 --> 00:13:17.980 align:middle line:84% crescent fingernails I set the rolls like dust balls 00:13:17.980 --> 00:13:20.290 align:middle line:84% into the dark corners of the bakery. 00:13:20.290 --> 00:13:22.630 align:middle line:84% Entering the quiet room alone the next morning 00:13:22.630 --> 00:13:24.490 align:middle line:84% to build the fire in the ovens, I 00:13:24.490 --> 00:13:27.910 align:middle line:84% found a hundred dead mouse bodies, frozen in grotesque 00:13:27.910 --> 00:13:32.230 align:middle line:84% gestures, white with the flour they thrashed and expired in. 00:13:32.230 --> 00:13:34.180 align:middle line:84% Four rats with blood at their lips 00:13:34.180 --> 00:13:36.920 align:middle line:84% were curled like sweet buns in the corner. 00:13:36.920 --> 00:13:39.040 align:middle line:84% I didn't feel sorry for them, but it disturbed 00:13:39.040 --> 00:13:42.280 align:middle line:84% me to have that power of death, and all those bodies sprawled 00:13:42.280 --> 00:13:44.710 align:middle line:90% across the floor like language. 00:13:44.710 --> 00:13:47.050 align:middle line:84% I plucked the bodies up by each tail, 00:13:47.050 --> 00:13:49.960 align:middle line:84% dropped them in a flour sack and took them down the alley. 00:13:49.960 --> 00:13:53.050 align:middle line:84% It felt like I'd been told a secret. 00:13:53.050 --> 00:13:54.220 align:middle line:90% Oh, I baked. 00:13:54.220 --> 00:13:57.850 align:middle line:84% Savories rolled from my kitchen in sheets and baskets and pans. 00:13:57.850 --> 00:14:00.040 align:middle line:84% The smell of my goods floated out to the street, 00:14:00.040 --> 00:14:01.990 align:middle line:90% and demand continued to grow. 00:14:01.990 --> 00:14:04.900 align:middle line:84% I fed the squire's son until he came three times a week, 00:14:04.900 --> 00:14:05.920 align:middle line:90% mesmerized. 00:14:05.920 --> 00:14:07.960 align:middle line:84% I fed him until his belly swelled 00:14:07.960 --> 00:14:11.240 align:middle line:84% and buttons bulged from his silken patterned vests. 00:14:11.240 --> 00:14:11.740 align:middle line:90% One 00:14:11.740 --> 00:14:13.660 align:middle line:84% Day, when we were alone in the shop 00:14:13.660 --> 00:14:16.180 align:middle line:84% with only the sound of my mother's flowery pounding 00:14:16.180 --> 00:14:18.430 align:middle line:84% in the room beyond, the squire's son 00:14:18.430 --> 00:14:20.770 align:middle line:84% asked me if I would like to accompany him 00:14:20.770 --> 00:14:22.600 align:middle line:90% on a family picnic. 00:14:22.600 --> 00:14:23.950 align:middle line:90% I blushed. 00:14:23.950 --> 00:14:25.510 align:middle line:90% His face was so sincere. 00:14:25.510 --> 00:14:27.850 align:middle line:84% And despite my hope after so much effort, 00:14:27.850 --> 00:14:31.930 align:middle line:84% I really hadn't expected to be flattered by his attention. 00:14:31.930 --> 00:14:35.050 align:middle line:84% I brought a basket with quail eggs, scones, and lamb rolls, 00:14:35.050 --> 00:14:37.450 align:middle line:84% onion turnovers and wild strawberry tarts, 00:14:37.450 --> 00:14:38.680 align:middle line:90% enough for all. 00:14:38.680 --> 00:14:41.290 align:middle line:84% The women snubbed me as if I were no more than a servant, 00:14:41.290 --> 00:14:43.330 align:middle line:84% but it didn't matter because one set of eyes 00:14:43.330 --> 00:14:45.010 align:middle line:90% followed me all day. 00:14:45.010 --> 00:14:47.650 align:middle line:84% I'd had a pretty dress made with small yellow flowers 00:14:47.650 --> 00:14:49.430 align:middle line:90% all around the collar and hem. 00:14:49.430 --> 00:14:54.130 align:middle line:84% The squire's son saw nothing but yellow that day. 00:14:54.130 --> 00:14:56.710 align:middle line:84% It was a surprise to no one when the squire proposed, 00:14:56.710 --> 00:14:58.540 align:middle line:84% but the townspeople were scandalized. 00:14:58.540 --> 00:15:01.510 align:middle line:84% I was so young, so poor, so unsuitable, 00:15:01.510 --> 00:15:04.420 align:middle line:84% not to mention, I heard one lady whisper to another while I 00:15:04.420 --> 00:15:07.930 align:middle line:84% bagged their savory buns the awful tragedy of her father, 00:15:07.930 --> 00:15:10.930 align:middle line:90% a stain upon the family besides. 00:15:10.930 --> 00:15:14.260 align:middle line:84% At the wedding, I wore a ring of bright, white leather 00:15:14.260 --> 00:15:15.250 align:middle line:90% in my hair. 00:15:15.250 --> 00:15:18.550 align:middle line:84% My groom was well-brushed and handsome, if a little large 00:15:18.550 --> 00:15:19.960 align:middle line:90% in his wedding coat. 00:15:19.960 --> 00:15:22.750 align:middle line:84% My dress was creamy and light as meringue. 00:15:22.750 --> 00:15:25.270 align:middle line:84% We ate the feast prepared in our honor, danced 00:15:25.270 --> 00:15:26.980 align:middle line:84% until my groom was out of breath, 00:15:26.980 --> 00:15:30.820 align:middle line:84% and the townspeople flocked in droves to see our spectacle. 00:15:30.820 --> 00:15:33.100 align:middle line:84% It was a disappointment to many finding 00:15:33.100 --> 00:15:36.460 align:middle line:84% that the squire's son and I seem to be having a fine time. 00:15:36.460 --> 00:15:39.730 align:middle line:84% I had ordered 500 squabs to be served in mushroom gravy 00:15:39.730 --> 00:15:42.640 align:middle line:84% with small wild onions I had gathered myself. 00:15:42.640 --> 00:15:44.380 align:middle line:84% Our wedding table's soup were soon 00:15:44.380 --> 00:15:48.310 align:middle line:84% littered with heaps and heaps of tiny bones, a memory that 00:15:48.310 --> 00:15:53.050 align:middle line:84% once in a while makes me open my jaw and heave a brittle laugh. 00:15:53.050 --> 00:15:55.720 align:middle line:84% At the urging of my husband, I sent recipes down 00:15:55.720 --> 00:15:59.110 align:middle line:84% to the kitchen, rich with cream and meats and butters, 00:15:59.110 --> 00:16:00.238 align:middle line:90% delicate with herbs. 00:16:00.238 --> 00:16:01.780 align:middle line:84% My husband could not restrain himself 00:16:01.780 --> 00:16:03.280 align:middle line:84% and gorged nightly on the feast I 00:16:03.280 --> 00:16:06.400 align:middle line:84% created, along with gallons of wine and port. 00:16:06.400 --> 00:16:08.350 align:middle line:84% Early on he came to my room nightly, 00:16:08.350 --> 00:16:10.900 align:middle line:84% and I liked the weight and heft of him upon me. 00:16:10.900 --> 00:16:13.210 align:middle line:84% These simple acts give so much pleasure. 00:16:13.210 --> 00:16:15.430 align:middle line:84% I was learning new things at last. 00:16:15.430 --> 00:16:17.410 align:middle line:84% I grew to know his skin, his smell, 00:16:17.410 --> 00:16:19.210 align:middle line:84% the thinning blond hair at his temples, 00:16:19.210 --> 00:16:20.950 align:middle line:90% and the moods of those eyes. 00:16:20.950 --> 00:16:23.720 align:middle line:84% I felt that he was becoming mine with this knowledge, 00:16:23.720 --> 00:16:26.440 align:middle line:84% and I imagined I was becoming his. 00:16:26.440 --> 00:16:28.690 align:middle line:84% I learned the rooms of the house, the rituals, 00:16:28.690 --> 00:16:30.430 align:middle line:90% the manners of high society. 00:16:30.430 --> 00:16:34.990 align:middle line:84% I made no friends, but imagined soon I would. 00:16:34.990 --> 00:16:37.990 align:middle line:84% A couple of months after marriage, my husband 00:16:37.990 --> 00:16:40.490 align:middle line:84% began to disappear entire evenings, 00:16:40.490 --> 00:16:44.020 align:middle line:84% and it was then too late that I recognized my terrible mistake. 00:16:44.020 --> 00:16:46.870 align:middle line:84% I had underestimated his gluttonous nature. 00:16:46.870 --> 00:16:50.740 align:middle line:84% Once he conquered one thing, he wanted another and another. 00:16:50.740 --> 00:16:53.770 align:middle line:84% He devoted himself, in rapid succession, to high stakes 00:16:53.770 --> 00:16:57.760 align:middle line:84% card games, mistresses, glossy steeds, acquiring land. 00:16:57.760 --> 00:17:00.200 align:middle line:84% None of his acquisitions made sense, 00:17:00.200 --> 00:17:03.160 align:middle line:90% including his marriage to me. 00:17:03.160 --> 00:17:05.930 align:middle line:84% I did not take this well, though what could I do. 00:17:05.930 --> 00:17:07.300 align:middle line:90% I watched my husband eat. 00:17:07.300 --> 00:17:10.750 align:middle line:84% I watched him lick his fingers, gobble, cough, and chew. 00:17:10.750 --> 00:17:13.450 align:middle line:84% Though the whites of his eyes slowly grew tinged with yellow, 00:17:13.450 --> 00:17:15.640 align:middle line:84% and his neck rolled now like a snake, 00:17:15.640 --> 00:17:19.420 align:middle line:84% chafing at the stiff white color of his ache-- of a stiff white 00:17:19.420 --> 00:17:21.760 align:middle line:90% of his color, on he ate. 00:17:21.760 --> 00:17:24.609 align:middle line:84% Even as he grew fat on my recipes and ideas, 00:17:24.609 --> 00:17:27.280 align:middle line:84% I seemed to vanish from his mind. 00:17:27.280 --> 00:17:30.220 align:middle line:84% I lived in a fine house and had a closet of beautiful clothes. 00:17:30.220 --> 00:17:31.960 align:middle line:84% I could beckon servants and carriages, 00:17:31.960 --> 00:17:34.060 align:middle line:90% but still I was undone. 00:17:34.060 --> 00:17:37.120 align:middle line:84% I had given many of my recipes to the cook in my enthusiasm 00:17:37.120 --> 00:17:40.270 align:middle line:84% for marriage, but as the dishes came from the kitchen, 00:17:40.270 --> 00:17:42.970 align:middle line:84% increasingly watered down in flavor and style, 00:17:42.970 --> 00:17:45.610 align:middle line:84% I regretted these confidences terribly. 00:17:45.610 --> 00:17:47.080 align:middle line:90% What had I hoped? 00:17:47.080 --> 00:17:48.910 align:middle line:90% The things one hopes. 00:17:48.910 --> 00:17:51.220 align:middle line:90% Love, a child, happiness. 00:17:51.220 --> 00:17:55.030 align:middle line:84% I felt my heart salt and shrivel. 00:17:55.030 --> 00:17:56.740 align:middle line:84% When my mother came to visit once, 00:17:56.740 --> 00:17:59.730 align:middle line:84% she wore an old dress, flour smeared at the hem. 00:17:59.730 --> 00:18:01.480 align:middle line:84% I had tea served for us in the parlor, 00:18:01.480 --> 00:18:03.650 align:middle line:84% but she never raised her cup to her lips. 00:18:03.650 --> 00:18:07.120 align:middle line:84% She stared at it, frowned at the dull lemon cakes on the plate, 00:18:07.120 --> 00:18:10.480 align:middle line:84% and said, this is what you wanted so awful much? 00:18:10.480 --> 00:18:13.540 align:middle line:84% She left with no words of advice or encouragement. 00:18:13.540 --> 00:18:15.670 align:middle line:84% I watched her go down the drive, one 00:18:15.670 --> 00:18:17.440 align:middle line:90% against the Green of the garden. 00:18:17.440 --> 00:18:19.750 align:middle line:84% At the time, I comforted myself that at least I 00:18:19.750 --> 00:18:21.250 align:middle line:90% wasn't like her. 00:18:21.250 --> 00:18:24.490 align:middle line:84% Now I wonder what I ever knew of her. 00:18:24.490 --> 00:18:27.280 align:middle line:84% My life seemed a tide flowing against me. 00:18:27.280 --> 00:18:29.890 align:middle line:84% I ceased to exist for all except the servants who 00:18:29.890 --> 00:18:32.980 align:middle line:84% fed and clothed but otherwise ignored me. 00:18:32.980 --> 00:18:35.740 align:middle line:84% Eventually though, I heard rumors. 00:18:35.740 --> 00:18:39.640 align:middle line:84% It seemed that some people believed I was a witch. 00:18:39.640 --> 00:18:42.400 align:middle line:84% When the yellow fever spread among the children in town, 00:18:42.400 --> 00:18:44.140 align:middle line:84% they said I had set it forth, jealous 00:18:44.140 --> 00:18:45.490 align:middle line:90% that I could not conceive. 00:18:45.490 --> 00:18:47.230 align:middle line:84% Later, a young woman drowned, and it 00:18:47.230 --> 00:18:50.050 align:middle line:84% was said I cursed her for the blondness of her hair. 00:18:50.050 --> 00:18:52.540 align:middle line:84% I was forgotten by those I wanted to remember me, 00:18:52.540 --> 00:18:54.550 align:middle line:84% and remembered wrongly by others. 00:18:54.550 --> 00:18:58.090 align:middle line:84% If anyone could have seen the dry hours of my days 00:18:58.090 --> 00:18:59.950 align:middle line:84% alone in the house on the hill reading 00:18:59.950 --> 00:19:03.670 align:middle line:84% every text in the library and endlessly walking the halls, 00:19:03.670 --> 00:19:07.960 align:middle line:84% they would have seen how silly such accusations were. 00:19:07.960 --> 00:19:10.690 align:middle line:84% Time and boredom gnawed at me, and I 00:19:10.690 --> 00:19:14.200 align:middle line:84% began to wonder if such things were possible. 00:19:14.200 --> 00:19:17.230 align:middle line:84% I wanted to punish my husband for not loving me, 00:19:17.230 --> 00:19:21.760 align:middle line:84% and perhaps if I had bewitched him once, I could do it again. 00:19:21.760 --> 00:19:23.830 align:middle line:84% In the village pretending to need medicine 00:19:23.830 --> 00:19:26.342 align:middle line:84% from the alchemist, I mentioned that we'd had a sick horse 00:19:26.342 --> 00:19:28.300 align:middle line:84% and wondered if there were plants in our fields 00:19:28.300 --> 00:19:29.383 align:middle line:90% that might have caused it. 00:19:29.383 --> 00:19:30.550 align:middle line:90% Did he know? 00:19:30.550 --> 00:19:32.590 align:middle line:84% Yew tree, said the man without looking up. 00:19:32.590 --> 00:19:34.210 align:middle line:84% Hemlock, which looks like parsley, 00:19:34.210 --> 00:19:35.650 align:middle line:90% deadly nightshade holly. 00:19:35.650 --> 00:19:38.170 align:middle line:84% But your fields, he said, have been cleared for decades. 00:19:38.170 --> 00:19:40.090 align:middle line:90% You needn't worry. 00:19:40.090 --> 00:19:41.530 align:middle line:90% I thanked him and left. 00:19:41.530 --> 00:19:44.500 align:middle line:84% This forethought may speak to you of an ill mind, 00:19:44.500 --> 00:19:46.750 align:middle line:90% and I would not disagree. 00:19:46.750 --> 00:19:48.528 align:middle line:90% The next day I went to the cove. 00:19:48.528 --> 00:19:51.070 align:middle line:84% I hadn't been in some time since there was no longer a reason 00:19:51.070 --> 00:19:51.820 align:middle line:90% to go. 00:19:51.820 --> 00:19:53.530 align:middle line:84% I was overjoyed to be there again 00:19:53.530 --> 00:19:55.870 align:middle line:84% to see the light shafts driving into the water. 00:19:55.870 --> 00:19:57.170 align:middle line:90% I went to work. 00:19:57.170 --> 00:20:00.040 align:middle line:84% I knew a small yew tree to the left of my pond. 00:20:00.040 --> 00:20:03.340 align:middle line:84% Taking a knife from my skirts, I scraped bark from a thin trunk 00:20:03.340 --> 00:20:04.390 align:middle line:90% into a pouch. 00:20:04.390 --> 00:20:07.570 align:middle line:84% I searched for a plant that looked like overgrown parsley. 00:20:07.570 --> 00:20:09.940 align:middle line:84% I gathered it into my silk purse. 00:20:09.940 --> 00:20:13.510 align:middle line:84% In my large closets, I cleared a space behind my dresses 00:20:13.510 --> 00:20:15.490 align:middle line:84% and hung the ingredients from strings. 00:20:15.490 --> 00:20:17.380 align:middle line:84% I did not know what I intended, but I 00:20:17.380 --> 00:20:20.620 align:middle line:84% gathered these vile things with determination. 00:20:20.620 --> 00:20:23.230 align:middle line:84% One lonely night, I ground the hemlock 00:20:23.230 --> 00:20:24.790 align:middle line:90% with a mortar and a pestle. 00:20:24.790 --> 00:20:28.330 align:middle line:84% When that was gone, I ground the yew. 00:20:28.330 --> 00:20:33.640 align:middle line:84% Such small pinches of dried dusty herbs in his morning tea. 00:20:33.640 --> 00:20:36.910 align:middle line:84% That's all it took, a couple of weeks. 00:20:36.910 --> 00:20:39.730 align:middle line:84% How was it that I didn't know the difference between feeding 00:20:39.730 --> 00:20:43.060 align:middle line:84% a man versus poisoning him all in the name of love? 00:20:43.060 --> 00:20:46.640 align:middle line:84% I was young enough that they seemed the same thing to me. 00:20:46.640 --> 00:20:49.130 align:middle line:84% I don't think I meant to kill him. 00:20:49.130 --> 00:20:51.860 align:middle line:90% I was as surprised as anyone. 00:20:51.860 --> 00:20:53.620 align:middle line:90% He looked to be choking. 00:20:53.620 --> 00:20:55.690 align:middle line:84% The cup flew from his hand that morning 00:20:55.690 --> 00:20:57.220 align:middle line:90% and smashed to the ground. 00:20:57.220 --> 00:20:59.800 align:middle line:84% He'd grown so fat that he couldn't rise from the chair, 00:20:59.800 --> 00:21:02.740 align:middle line:84% and he flapped his hands in the air, clawed at his throat, 00:21:02.740 --> 00:21:04.570 align:middle line:84% pitched over, and cracked his head open 00:21:04.570 --> 00:21:06.550 align:middle line:84% on the flagstones of the garden terrace. 00:21:06.550 --> 00:21:08.620 align:middle line:84% The servants and I rushed to him. 00:21:08.620 --> 00:21:10.840 align:middle line:84% While they fluttered and wailed around me, 00:21:10.840 --> 00:21:14.620 align:middle line:84% I watched the blue milked from his eyes. 00:21:14.620 --> 00:21:17.680 align:middle line:84% The doctor came and verified the death as an accident. 00:21:17.680 --> 00:21:19.990 align:middle line:84% He had choked and cracked his head on the stones. 00:21:19.990 --> 00:21:23.270 align:middle line:84% I exulted that it could not seem my fault. 00:21:23.270 --> 00:21:25.180 align:middle line:84% Another bit of foolishness on my part, 00:21:25.180 --> 00:21:27.370 align:middle line:84% for within two nights of my husband's death, 00:21:27.370 --> 00:21:31.150 align:middle line:84% a horde of townspeople swarmed up our fields with fire 00:21:31.150 --> 00:21:31.990 align:middle line:90% and pitchforks. 00:21:31.990 --> 00:21:35.530 align:middle line:84% Imagine when the first scream dug into the evening silence, 00:21:35.530 --> 00:21:38.320 align:middle line:84% I looked out my window and saw the yellow flicker of torches. 00:21:38.320 --> 00:21:40.210 align:middle line:90% First, only two, then many. 00:21:40.210 --> 00:21:42.340 align:middle line:90% They broke the dark with hatred. 00:21:42.340 --> 00:21:45.460 align:middle line:84% I saw shapes turn into figures of men and women, people I'd 00:21:45.460 --> 00:21:47.290 align:middle line:90% certainly known all my life. 00:21:47.290 --> 00:21:48.940 align:middle line:90% They screamed for me. 00:21:48.940 --> 00:21:52.450 align:middle line:84% A single woman's voice broke out above the others high pitched 00:21:52.450 --> 00:21:53.320 align:middle line:90% and frenzy. 00:21:53.320 --> 00:21:54.940 align:middle line:90% Hang her. 00:21:54.940 --> 00:21:57.400 align:middle line:84% Then they took it up, all of them. 00:21:57.400 --> 00:21:59.170 align:middle line:84% They moved in a mass and splintered 00:21:59.170 --> 00:22:01.060 align:middle line:84% apart, spreading towards the house. 00:22:01.060 --> 00:22:03.550 align:middle line:84% I stood trembling with my hand on the velvet curtain, 00:22:03.550 --> 00:22:04.640 align:middle line:90% not knowing what to do. 00:22:04.640 --> 00:22:06.520 align:middle line:84% I was still very young, remember. 00:22:06.520 --> 00:22:08.470 align:middle line:90% I thought, they've come for me. 00:22:08.470 --> 00:22:10.630 align:middle line:90% They've come for me. 00:22:10.630 --> 00:22:13.420 align:middle line:84% Until the evidence of this could not be denied as the villagers 00:22:13.420 --> 00:22:16.030 align:middle line:84% crested the hedges, and I had to heed the words. 00:22:16.030 --> 00:22:18.040 align:middle line:84% I turned and fled the narrow passages 00:22:18.040 --> 00:22:19.960 align:middle line:84% of the house I would never see again, 00:22:19.960 --> 00:22:23.770 align:middle line:84% out into the dark with only the clothes on my back. 00:22:23.770 --> 00:22:25.630 align:middle line:84% I don't remember the first two days. 00:22:25.630 --> 00:22:27.100 align:middle line:90% I ran blindly through the woods. 00:22:27.100 --> 00:22:28.390 align:middle line:90% I was scratched and torn. 00:22:28.390 --> 00:22:29.320 align:middle line:90% I fell down. 00:22:29.320 --> 00:22:31.960 align:middle line:84% Sometimes I sat in the weeds and panted. 00:22:31.960 --> 00:22:34.450 align:middle line:84% I don't remember seeing anything at all. 00:22:34.450 --> 00:22:37.180 align:middle line:84% At some point, I crashed through a valley of poison oak, 00:22:37.180 --> 00:22:40.090 align:middle line:84% and it was this that finally awakened me to my danger. 00:22:40.090 --> 00:22:42.280 align:middle line:84% The burning and bubbling of my skin. 00:22:42.280 --> 00:22:46.600 align:middle line:84% The oozing red welts boiling up as if from within my terror. 00:22:46.600 --> 00:22:49.360 align:middle line:84% There is irony in this poisoning, I see now. 00:22:49.360 --> 00:22:51.170 align:middle line:90% But I was so young. 00:22:51.170 --> 00:22:54.880 align:middle line:84% I was so hungry I broke out in blisters around my eyes 00:22:54.880 --> 00:22:59.200 align:middle line:84% and could hardly see, and the same night it began to rain. 00:22:59.200 --> 00:23:01.840 align:middle line:84% In the middle of that night, I came upon a cottage. 00:23:01.840 --> 00:23:04.030 align:middle line:84% Candlelight glowed in the window and smoke 00:23:04.030 --> 00:23:05.440 align:middle line:90% rolled from the chimney. 00:23:05.440 --> 00:23:08.380 align:middle line:84% I stood wet and shivering staring at this vision. 00:23:08.380 --> 00:23:11.860 align:middle line:84% I had nothing to lose, and yet I hesitated. 00:23:11.860 --> 00:23:13.330 align:middle line:90% Finally, I knocked. 00:23:13.330 --> 00:23:14.950 align:middle line:84% The bearded man who peered out at me 00:23:14.950 --> 00:23:16.870 align:middle line:84% was neither welcoming or unwelcoming. 00:23:16.870 --> 00:23:19.810 align:middle line:84% He said, come in, as if I was expected and not 00:23:19.810 --> 00:23:22.090 align:middle line:84% some half blind swollen girl in the woods. 00:23:22.090 --> 00:23:24.760 align:middle line:90% You got into the ivy, I see. 00:23:24.760 --> 00:23:26.590 align:middle line:84% I did not think for my safety because there 00:23:26.590 --> 00:23:28.360 align:middle line:90% was no safety to lose. 00:23:28.360 --> 00:23:31.180 align:middle line:84% He did not, in any case, enslave or harm me. 00:23:31.180 --> 00:23:33.610 align:middle line:84% He dug in his chest and brought out a dress. 00:23:33.610 --> 00:23:36.100 align:middle line:84% He burned my clothes and gave me a bowl of hot water 00:23:36.100 --> 00:23:38.230 align:middle line:84% into which he added a few drops of oil 00:23:38.230 --> 00:23:40.540 align:middle line:84% and said wipe yourself off with this. 00:23:40.540 --> 00:23:42.160 align:middle line:90% I did as he instructed. 00:23:42.160 --> 00:23:44.060 align:middle line:84% Without a word he filled a bowl of stew, 00:23:44.060 --> 00:23:46.540 align:middle line:84% cut off a hunk of bread, and gave me a mug of milk. 00:23:46.540 --> 00:23:49.120 align:middle line:84% While I ate, he went to a pouch, took out 00:23:49.120 --> 00:23:52.780 align:middle line:84% green herbs to which he added water and ground into a paste. 00:23:52.780 --> 00:23:55.420 align:middle line:84% He showed me how to pat the green paste onto the tender 00:23:55.420 --> 00:23:58.840 align:middle line:84% scabby skin of my arms, and then gestured at my legs. 00:23:58.840 --> 00:24:01.210 align:middle line:84% While I worked on my legs, hardly able to see, 00:24:01.210 --> 00:24:03.880 align:middle line:84% the man shooed a goat from the fireplace. 00:24:03.880 --> 00:24:06.160 align:middle line:84% I patted the paste, wincing and whimpering, 00:24:06.160 --> 00:24:09.880 align:middle line:84% onto my horrible legs, while he piled skins and blankets 00:24:09.880 --> 00:24:11.920 align:middle line:84% in the corner and helped me over to it. 00:24:11.920 --> 00:24:13.870 align:middle line:84% You've had some bad luck, he said. 00:24:13.870 --> 00:24:15.680 align:middle line:90% What's your name? 00:24:15.680 --> 00:24:18.820 align:middle line:84% He patted the green paste over my eyes, and I lay back. 00:24:18.820 --> 00:24:21.220 align:middle line:90% I'm no one, I answered. 00:24:21.220 --> 00:24:23.230 align:middle line:84% I could hear the fire crackling, and the room 00:24:23.230 --> 00:24:25.270 align:middle line:84% smelled of animal and food and smoke. 00:24:25.270 --> 00:24:29.350 align:middle line:84% I didn't even hear him leave my side. 00:24:29.350 --> 00:24:31.390 align:middle line:84% I began to heal up after a couple of days, 00:24:31.390 --> 00:24:33.280 align:middle line:84% and when I could see again, I did some chores 00:24:33.280 --> 00:24:34.840 align:middle line:90% around the house to thank him. 00:24:34.840 --> 00:24:36.880 align:middle line:84% He showed me a few plants growing in the woods 00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:37.720 align:middle line:90% that I could eat. 00:24:37.720 --> 00:24:39.280 align:middle line:84% He did not ask me where I was going, 00:24:39.280 --> 00:24:41.050 align:middle line:90% and I offered no explanation. 00:24:41.050 --> 00:24:42.550 align:middle line:84% I believe I could have stayed there 00:24:42.550 --> 00:24:45.220 align:middle line:84% with him or with many of the households who offered me 00:24:45.220 --> 00:24:47.080 align:middle line:90% sanctuary in those years. 00:24:47.080 --> 00:24:50.470 align:middle line:84% I never asked to stay and I demurred any offers. 00:24:50.470 --> 00:24:52.540 align:middle line:84% Like the first bearded man, each household 00:24:52.540 --> 00:24:55.480 align:middle line:84% packed me a bag of food, gave me blanket or water, 00:24:55.480 --> 00:24:58.060 align:middle line:84% extra clothes, a pair of shoes anything they thought 00:24:58.060 --> 00:25:00.030 align:middle line:90% I might need and could carry. 00:25:00.030 --> 00:25:02.210 align:middle line:84% I merely took these things, thanked them, 00:25:02.210 --> 00:25:05.120 align:middle line:84% and stepped into the forest with no destination. 00:25:05.120 --> 00:25:07.280 align:middle line:84% I would not stay to become burden, 00:25:07.280 --> 00:25:10.640 align:middle line:84% to wrong them in the way I'd wronged my village, bringing 00:25:10.640 --> 00:25:14.000 align:middle line:84% death to those who only thought to eat. 00:25:14.000 --> 00:25:16.880 align:middle line:84% You may wonder how I could live like this, refusing comfort 00:25:16.880 --> 00:25:18.230 align:middle line:90% for so long. 00:25:18.230 --> 00:25:21.740 align:middle line:84% Perhaps this is why I look so old. 00:25:21.740 --> 00:25:24.140 align:middle line:84% I had many teachers in those woods, people 00:25:24.140 --> 00:25:25.610 align:middle line:84% who knew how to live off the land 00:25:25.610 --> 00:25:27.680 align:middle line:84% and showed me practical recipes, habits, 00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:29.300 align:middle line:84% how to cure wounds, how to hunt, how 00:25:29.300 --> 00:25:32.930 align:middle line:84% to use every piece of animal for food, medicine, magic. 00:25:32.930 --> 00:25:35.480 align:middle line:84% I collected this knowledge as my husband had collected 00:25:35.480 --> 00:25:37.070 align:middle line:90% mistresses and steeds. 00:25:37.070 --> 00:25:38.730 align:middle line:84% I did not know what I was doing there, 00:25:38.730 --> 00:25:42.230 align:middle line:84% but since there was nowhere else I was wanted, I continued. 00:25:42.230 --> 00:25:45.380 align:middle line:84% When I met the crone, though, high and deep 00:25:45.380 --> 00:25:47.390 align:middle line:90% in the mountain range, I stayed. 00:25:47.390 --> 00:25:50.270 align:middle line:84% The crone did not go by any other name that I knew. 00:25:50.270 --> 00:25:53.000 align:middle line:84% It was all they called her, and she didn't seem to mind. 00:25:53.000 --> 00:25:55.700 align:middle line:84% She was the one who taught me rituals and spells. 00:25:55.700 --> 00:25:59.300 align:middle line:84% She taught me how to trap, dry, boil the workings of our trade, 00:25:59.300 --> 00:26:02.600 align:middle line:84% what forces of nature we could combat, and those over which 00:26:02.600 --> 00:26:03.860 align:middle line:90% we bore no power. 00:26:03.860 --> 00:26:06.710 align:middle line:84% She taught me the prayers and the dances and the calls. 00:26:06.710 --> 00:26:09.440 align:middle line:84% She'd said on the first day I stood in her doorway looking up 00:26:09.440 --> 00:26:12.180 align:middle line:84% from a tattered brown book, oh, it's you, 00:26:12.180 --> 00:26:14.780 align:middle line:84% and asked me to build up the fire. 00:26:14.780 --> 00:26:17.090 align:middle line:84% I grew to know the shape of her fingers, 00:26:17.090 --> 00:26:19.010 align:middle line:84% the way her skirts flowed when she marched 00:26:19.010 --> 00:26:21.290 align:middle line:84% through the cottage, her sleep-creased face 00:26:21.290 --> 00:26:22.910 align:middle line:90% in the morning when she rose. 00:26:22.910 --> 00:26:25.310 align:middle line:84% I wished she would speak, claim me as 00:26:25.310 --> 00:26:27.710 align:middle line:90% her own daughter, sister, kin. 00:26:27.710 --> 00:26:29.570 align:middle line:84% Was she not teaching me her craft? 00:26:29.570 --> 00:26:32.870 align:middle line:84% Had she not recognized me as I arrived? 00:26:32.870 --> 00:26:34.610 align:middle line:84% Other men and women came to her cottage 00:26:34.610 --> 00:26:36.140 align:middle line:90% asking to learn the ways. 00:26:36.140 --> 00:26:38.030 align:middle line:84% She always said no and sent them away, 00:26:38.030 --> 00:26:40.310 align:middle line:84% and I loved their jealous glances. 00:26:40.310 --> 00:26:43.440 align:middle line:84% I knew there was something special in me that she'd seen, 00:26:43.440 --> 00:26:45.440 align:middle line:84% but she never said so, and I was embarrassed 00:26:45.440 --> 00:26:49.010 align:middle line:84% by my constant desire for her to speak of it. 00:26:49.010 --> 00:26:50.720 align:middle line:84% Other people came to her cottage, too, 00:26:50.720 --> 00:26:53.450 align:middle line:84% missing legs, flooded out, haunted by dreams, 00:26:53.450 --> 00:26:56.120 align:middle line:90% plagued by fever, losing hope. 00:26:56.120 --> 00:26:59.210 align:middle line:84% She helped those she could but never promised anything. 00:26:59.210 --> 00:27:03.080 align:middle line:84% Some torments are beliefs, she taught me, held in the bone. 00:27:03.080 --> 00:27:05.300 align:middle line:90% Only death will release them. 00:27:05.300 --> 00:27:07.010 align:middle line:90% Death, I exclaimed. 00:27:07.010 --> 00:27:09.770 align:middle line:84% I was sure she was exaggerating, but she only cocked her head 00:27:09.770 --> 00:27:12.770 align:middle line:84% and repeated, built in the bone, the deep of the bone, 00:27:12.770 --> 00:27:15.020 align:middle line:90% and they won't let go of it. 00:27:15.020 --> 00:27:17.090 align:middle line:84% I stayed with her for over a year. 00:27:17.090 --> 00:27:19.340 align:middle line:84% At the end of this year one evening under the stars, 00:27:19.340 --> 00:27:22.490 align:middle line:84% I watched the crone's pipe smoke curl into the dark, 00:27:22.490 --> 00:27:25.010 align:middle line:84% and she told me, you must go back and live. 00:27:25.010 --> 00:27:26.690 align:middle line:90% You must be alive. 00:27:26.690 --> 00:27:28.400 align:middle line:90% I scoffed, am I not alive? 00:27:28.400 --> 00:27:29.690 align:middle line:90% What do you call this? 00:27:29.690 --> 00:27:31.520 align:middle line:90% I lifted my arm and waved it. 00:27:31.520 --> 00:27:34.580 align:middle line:84% Even to me it seemed puny in the air. 00:27:34.580 --> 00:27:38.000 align:middle line:84% You're not alive, she said, not even partway. 00:27:38.000 --> 00:27:40.280 align:middle line:84% I waited for her to say more, but she didn't. 00:27:40.280 --> 00:27:42.092 align:middle line:84% I rose and went inside to my little bed 00:27:42.092 --> 00:27:43.550 align:middle line:84% in the corner of her cottage, and I 00:27:43.550 --> 00:27:45.410 align:middle line:84% crawled in and hid my face, ashamed 00:27:45.410 --> 00:27:47.720 align:middle line:90% of this new terrible flaw. 00:27:47.720 --> 00:27:50.000 align:middle line:84% Later in the night, I woke to the crone standing 00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:51.410 align:middle line:90% over my bed murmuring. 00:27:51.410 --> 00:27:54.500 align:middle line:84% I felt a sprinkle of fine powder dust down onto me. 00:27:54.500 --> 00:27:56.300 align:middle line:84% I held still, but opened my eyes, 00:27:56.300 --> 00:27:58.280 align:middle line:84% and I saw that her eyes were closed 00:27:58.280 --> 00:28:00.440 align:middle line:84% and her face fierce and sorrowed. 00:28:00.440 --> 00:28:02.360 align:middle line:84% I saw that it would hurt her to send me away, 00:28:02.360 --> 00:28:04.820 align:middle line:84% even as she cast the spell that would give me the strength 00:28:04.820 --> 00:28:05.990 align:middle line:90% to do so. 00:28:05.990 --> 00:28:08.430 align:middle line:84% The next morning, I said to her in a trembling voice, 00:28:08.430 --> 00:28:10.100 align:middle line:90% I don't want to go back. 00:28:10.100 --> 00:28:14.300 align:middle line:84% Yes, that's true, she agreed, and we ate in silence. 00:28:14.300 --> 00:28:16.790 align:middle line:84% She tested me for a month on my knowledge, 00:28:16.790 --> 00:28:18.980 align:middle line:84% and packing me heavily with bits of our trade 00:28:18.980 --> 00:28:20.690 align:middle line:90% she sent me on my way. 00:28:20.690 --> 00:28:23.930 align:middle line:84% It took me many months to make my way home. 00:28:23.930 --> 00:28:26.630 align:middle line:84% I came upon a tangle of flotsam in a creek one day 00:28:26.630 --> 00:28:28.160 align:middle line:90% that had flooded its banks. 00:28:28.160 --> 00:28:30.980 align:middle line:84% There were trees living with water swirling all around 00:28:30.980 --> 00:28:33.320 align:middle line:84% and other broken trees snugged up against them. 00:28:33.320 --> 00:28:36.290 align:middle line:84% Rocks hugged between-- rocks hugged between the currents 00:28:36.290 --> 00:28:37.220 align:middle line:90% and the roots. 00:28:37.220 --> 00:28:39.980 align:middle line:84% In this gathering, this motion against the steady patience 00:28:39.980 --> 00:28:42.500 align:middle line:84% of the trees, this accidental village, 00:28:42.500 --> 00:28:44.360 align:middle line:90% I recognized my loneliness. 00:28:44.360 --> 00:28:46.220 align:middle line:90% I stood by the creek and wept. 00:28:46.220 --> 00:28:48.750 align:middle line:84% I had nothing of the tangle of lives. 00:28:48.750 --> 00:28:51.170 align:middle line:84% And it was not my choice to have become so. 00:28:51.170 --> 00:28:52.460 align:middle line:90% I had been a daughter. 00:28:52.460 --> 00:28:54.680 align:middle line:84% I had been a wife, and these families 00:28:54.680 --> 00:28:57.930 align:middle line:84% had broken away from me, each in a furious kind of flood that 00:28:57.930 --> 00:28:59.930 align:middle line:90% left me behind. 00:28:59.930 --> 00:29:03.080 align:middle line:84% When I got to the cove, I built a small shack. 00:29:03.080 --> 00:29:05.720 align:middle line:84% I lined the walls with a bounty of herbs and bones 00:29:05.720 --> 00:29:08.630 align:middle line:84% and skins and fats the crone had taught me that I would need 00:29:08.630 --> 00:29:10.580 align:middle line:90% for cures and spells alike. 00:29:10.580 --> 00:29:12.470 align:middle line:84% I set up for business, you might say, 00:29:12.470 --> 00:29:14.150 align:middle line:90% though I never went to town. 00:29:14.150 --> 00:29:16.340 align:middle line:84% The crone told me that the desperate and young have 00:29:16.340 --> 00:29:18.770 align:middle line:84% a nose for alchemy, and soon enough they would come, 00:29:18.770 --> 00:29:20.540 align:middle line:90% and soon enough they did. 00:29:20.540 --> 00:29:22.880 align:middle line:84% The seekers were always petrified, but ready 00:29:22.880 --> 00:29:25.190 align:middle line:84% to risk everything for my secrets. 00:29:25.190 --> 00:29:26.660 align:middle line:84% They would do anything I told them, 00:29:26.660 --> 00:29:28.340 align:middle line:84% and I asked for very little in return. 00:29:28.340 --> 00:29:31.220 align:middle line:84% A little blood, the hairs of a virgin, 00:29:31.220 --> 00:29:33.770 align:middle line:84% the clippings of a greedy boy's fingernails. 00:29:33.770 --> 00:29:36.380 align:middle line:84% They never asked what I needed these things for, 00:29:36.380 --> 00:29:39.860 align:middle line:84% an omission on their part that I counted as permission. 00:29:39.860 --> 00:29:42.320 align:middle line:84% They answered the only question I had about town. 00:29:42.320 --> 00:29:43.610 align:middle line:90% Was my mother dead? 00:29:43.610 --> 00:29:45.260 align:middle line:90% Yes, she was, they said. 00:29:45.260 --> 00:29:48.590 align:middle line:84% She died alone in a room, two days without anyone knowing. 00:29:48.590 --> 00:29:50.540 align:middle line:84% This did not give me any satisfaction 00:29:50.540 --> 00:29:51.980 align:middle line:90% as I might have imagined. 00:29:51.980 --> 00:29:55.010 align:middle line:84% I sent the bringers of this news away with no charm, 00:29:55.010 --> 00:29:58.820 align:middle line:84% as I was seized by a nausea that kept me still for over a week. 00:29:58.820 --> 00:30:00.860 align:middle line:84% But I've done and what I can since. 00:30:00.860 --> 00:30:04.250 align:middle line:84% I've averted family duels, halted mismatched marriages, 00:30:04.250 --> 00:30:06.740 align:middle line:84% cast back a famine, created love in the hearts 00:30:06.740 --> 00:30:09.980 align:middle line:84% of cold men and women, healed deadly illness, 00:30:09.980 --> 00:30:11.750 align:middle line:90% and invented hope. 00:30:11.750 --> 00:30:15.170 align:middle line:84% It is the beginning of what I mean to do. 00:30:15.170 --> 00:30:18.320 align:middle line:84% Today, though, a young girl arrived, crying and picking 00:30:18.320 --> 00:30:20.480 align:middle line:84% her way through the woods towards my cove. 00:30:20.480 --> 00:30:21.740 align:middle line:90% I peered out. 00:30:21.740 --> 00:30:24.350 align:middle line:84% She slowed as she reached the pond and looked around, 00:30:24.350 --> 00:30:25.130 align:middle line:90% nervous. 00:30:25.130 --> 00:30:27.380 align:middle line:84% Her hair was in braids over the crown of her head. 00:30:27.380 --> 00:30:29.270 align:middle line:90% Her face smooth and pale. 00:30:29.270 --> 00:30:32.090 align:middle line:84% I cannot always tell by looking whether they seek love cures, 00:30:32.090 --> 00:30:34.910 align:middle line:84% prevention of a babe, curse on a sister. 00:30:34.910 --> 00:30:37.070 align:middle line:84% All of this work seems so similar to me now, 00:30:37.070 --> 00:30:40.370 align:middle line:84% the ingredients of a human life, and my job to mix the marrow, 00:30:40.370 --> 00:30:43.732 align:middle line:84% boil the possibles, grind the fleshes. 00:30:43.732 --> 00:30:46.190 align:middle line:84% I stepped out when she was close enough and let her see me. 00:30:46.190 --> 00:30:47.930 align:middle line:84% Then I turned and entered my shack. 00:30:47.930 --> 00:30:49.880 align:middle line:84% It gives me the upper hand to be surrounded 00:30:49.880 --> 00:30:53.570 align:middle line:84% by my potions and bones, and it frightens them into honesty. 00:30:53.570 --> 00:30:56.360 align:middle line:84% I'm afraid for them to stay too long. 00:30:56.360 --> 00:30:59.600 align:middle line:84% The girl's cheeks were flushed pink, and her hands trembled. 00:30:59.600 --> 00:31:01.610 align:middle line:84% She had a terrible lonely look to her. 00:31:01.610 --> 00:31:04.190 align:middle line:84% She stepped through the door, only glancing at the shelves 00:31:04.190 --> 00:31:05.900 align:middle line:90% and heaps and dangling things. 00:31:05.900 --> 00:31:06.980 align:middle line:90% I waited. 00:31:06.980 --> 00:31:09.537 align:middle line:84% She lowered her head and spoke to my dirt floor. 00:31:09.537 --> 00:31:11.870 align:middle line:84% I couldn't quite make out what she was saying, at first, 00:31:11.870 --> 00:31:13.970 align:middle line:84% but I understood she's somebody maid. 00:31:13.970 --> 00:31:17.930 align:middle line:84% She paused, and then a flurry of words came running together. 00:31:17.930 --> 00:31:18.530 align:middle line:90% A threat. 00:31:18.530 --> 00:31:20.990 align:middle line:90% A filthy stall and sodden hay. 00:31:20.990 --> 00:31:23.150 align:middle line:84% The master of estate pressing her down, 00:31:23.150 --> 00:31:24.620 align:middle line:90% and the bonies bucket-- 00:31:24.620 --> 00:31:26.810 align:middle line:84% and the ponies water bucket going over. 00:31:26.810 --> 00:31:30.290 align:middle line:84% The filthy stall and the master's pants at his ankles 00:31:30.290 --> 00:31:32.000 align:middle line:90% and the ponies spreading water. 00:31:32.000 --> 00:31:34.760 align:middle line:84% She looked up at me then, her mouth shaking and wet, 00:31:34.760 --> 00:31:37.490 align:middle line:84% and she said to me, I want a potion. 00:31:37.490 --> 00:31:39.950 align:middle line:90% I want a poison. 00:31:39.950 --> 00:31:41.930 align:middle line:84% She looked familiar to me in ways 00:31:41.930 --> 00:31:44.720 align:middle line:84% that didn't have anything to do with her face, 00:31:44.720 --> 00:31:47.060 align:middle line:84% but the way that she was in the world. 00:31:47.060 --> 00:31:49.100 align:middle line:84% The crone once told me that this could happen. 00:31:49.100 --> 00:31:51.740 align:middle line:84% You can't do this work without at least once seeing yourself 00:31:51.740 --> 00:31:54.590 align:middle line:84% come in the door, and the magic needed in such a moment 00:31:54.590 --> 00:31:56.510 align:middle line:84% has nothing to do with words you memorized 00:31:56.510 --> 00:31:58.880 align:middle line:84% or what is on the shelves, but must be answered out 00:31:58.880 --> 00:32:00.590 align:middle line:90% of something only you know. 00:32:00.590 --> 00:32:04.370 align:middle line:84% I knew the hunger in this girl's eyes, the hunger 00:32:04.370 --> 00:32:05.990 align:middle line:90% for a simple answer. 00:32:05.990 --> 00:32:08.870 align:middle line:84% For the first time, I didn't sniff or point my dirty finger 00:32:08.870 --> 00:32:10.250 align:middle line:90% at the stool for her to wait. 00:32:10.250 --> 00:32:13.250 align:middle line:84% I didn't turn to the safety of my bowls and bags and jars 00:32:13.250 --> 00:32:15.560 align:middle line:84% as if a life were only made of its ingredients, 00:32:15.560 --> 00:32:17.300 align:middle line:84% as if the mysteries and pains of it 00:32:17.300 --> 00:32:20.090 align:middle line:84% weren't sorcery enough without my tinkering. 00:32:20.090 --> 00:32:23.540 align:middle line:84% I stared at her, and she said, I know you've done it before. 00:32:23.540 --> 00:32:25.250 align:middle line:90% I didn't answer at first. 00:32:25.250 --> 00:32:28.670 align:middle line:84% I sat down on my stool with her looming pink fleshed and young 00:32:28.670 --> 00:32:29.600 align:middle line:90% over me. 00:32:29.600 --> 00:32:32.000 align:middle line:90% She said fiercely, you have to. 00:32:32.000 --> 00:32:34.310 align:middle line:90% She wept quietly into her hands. 00:32:34.310 --> 00:32:35.390 align:middle line:90% I let her weep. 00:32:35.390 --> 00:32:37.970 align:middle line:84% I thought about how weeping is like a dough rising, how 00:32:37.970 --> 00:32:41.000 align:middle line:84% it needs the time and heat to become just so. 00:32:41.000 --> 00:32:43.760 align:middle line:84% After a while, when she kneaded her grief low, 00:32:43.760 --> 00:32:45.320 align:middle line:90% I touched her head. 00:32:45.320 --> 00:32:46.460 align:middle line:90% It startled me. 00:32:46.460 --> 00:32:48.920 align:middle line:90% So damp and hot and small. 00:32:48.920 --> 00:32:51.230 align:middle line:90% She was so young. 00:32:51.230 --> 00:32:54.950 align:middle line:84% I pressed my whole palm down, then gently letting my fingers 00:32:54.950 --> 00:32:56.360 align:middle line:90% cradle her skull. 00:32:56.360 --> 00:32:58.670 align:middle line:84% There are reasons, I said quietly, 00:32:58.670 --> 00:33:00.740 align:middle line:90% why I don't want you to do this. 00:33:00.740 --> 00:33:03.890 align:middle line:84% She slumped to the floor and wept more softly. 00:33:03.890 --> 00:33:06.320 align:middle line:84% I crouched-- I crouched beside her 00:33:06.320 --> 00:33:09.860 align:middle line:84% and took her sweaty fingers in my own, holding them tightly. 00:33:09.860 --> 00:33:11.990 align:middle line:90% I looked into her eyes. 00:33:11.990 --> 00:33:14.360 align:middle line:84% I was a baker's daughter, I whispered. 00:33:14.360 --> 00:33:18.020 align:middle line:84% And this Baker, my father, dreamt of sunny fields. 00:33:18.020 --> 00:33:20.780 align:middle line:84% He fed me stories of this farming life 00:33:20.780 --> 00:33:22.610 align:middle line:84% until he died in one of those fields, 00:33:22.610 --> 00:33:25.040 align:middle line:84% alone, under a burning August sun. 00:33:25.040 --> 00:33:27.260 align:middle line:84% Then I was raised by my mother, who can't 00:33:27.260 --> 00:33:29.030 align:middle line:90% be blamed for her thin heart. 00:33:29.030 --> 00:33:31.040 align:middle line:84% I'm sure there is much comment in town 00:33:31.040 --> 00:33:33.350 align:middle line:84% as to how these details made me what I am, 00:33:33.350 --> 00:33:36.500 align:middle line:90% but this is not the whole story. 00:33:36.500 --> 00:33:40.450 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:33:40.450 --> 00:33:49.014 align:middle line:90%