WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.710 align:middle line:90% 00:00:01.710 --> 00:00:03.703 align:middle line:84% I'm going to read you a short story. 00:00:03.703 --> 00:00:04.245 align:middle line:90% It's Finnish. 00:00:04.245 --> 00:00:08.055 align:middle line:90% 00:00:08.055 --> 00:00:09.930 align:middle line:84% You're going to think it's not a short story, 00:00:09.930 --> 00:00:11.550 align:middle line:84% you're going to say that it's memoir, 00:00:11.550 --> 00:00:13.935 align:middle line:84% it's not though, it's a short story. 00:00:13.935 --> 00:00:19.540 align:middle line:90% 00:00:19.540 --> 00:00:22.830 align:middle line:90% It's called, "Look at a Teacup". 00:00:22.830 --> 00:00:25.270 align:middle line:84% I guess I've given you the little lesson in Czech history, 00:00:25.270 --> 00:00:29.190 align:middle line:84% so you don't really need to know any more about that except, one 00:00:29.190 --> 00:00:31.620 align:middle line:84% little quote that it might be nice for you to know. 00:00:31.620 --> 00:00:34.830 align:middle line:90% 00:00:34.830 --> 00:00:44.910 align:middle line:84% In 1938, Neville Chamberlain, the British Prime Minister, 00:00:44.910 --> 00:00:48.870 align:middle line:84% and some others, including Hitler, 00:00:48.870 --> 00:00:51.600 align:middle line:84% decided that they perhaps would be able to end the war 00:00:51.600 --> 00:00:54.630 align:middle line:84% or put off a war, or not have a war, if they 00:00:54.630 --> 00:00:57.720 align:middle line:90% gave Czechoslovakia to Hitler. 00:00:57.720 --> 00:01:01.200 align:middle line:84% Then later in 1939, they decided that wasn't going to stop him. 00:01:01.200 --> 00:01:05.370 align:middle line:84% But, the line that Chamberlain-- the famous line that's 00:01:05.370 --> 00:01:07.830 align:middle line:84% gone down in history when Chamberlain came back 00:01:07.830 --> 00:01:12.390 align:middle line:84% explaining how he had sold out this little defenseless country 00:01:12.390 --> 00:01:16.440 align:middle line:84% was, this is something like, "this is a country far 00:01:16.440 --> 00:01:20.880 align:middle line:90% away, of which we know little. 00:01:20.880 --> 00:01:24.750 align:middle line:84% And, which is a hellish thing to say about other human beings 00:01:24.750 --> 00:01:25.920 align:middle line:90% that you're pledged to." 00:01:25.920 --> 00:01:30.720 align:middle line:84% And he had a black umbrella in his hand, 00:01:30.720 --> 00:01:32.250 align:middle line:90% which figures in this thing. 00:01:32.250 --> 00:01:35.715 align:middle line:84% I didn't make up the black umbrella. 00:01:35.715 --> 00:01:38.360 align:middle line:90% Look at a Teacup. 00:01:38.360 --> 00:01:41.730 align:middle line:84% She bought the teacup in 1939, of all years. 00:01:41.730 --> 00:01:45.200 align:middle line:84% It was on sale downtown because it was a discontinued pattern. 00:01:45.200 --> 00:01:47.660 align:middle line:84% Even on sale, it was an extravagance as far 00:01:47.660 --> 00:01:50.870 align:middle line:84% as her new in-laws were concerned, et cetera part. 00:01:50.870 --> 00:01:53.870 align:middle line:84% She used to say how she just put the money down on that counter 00:01:53.870 --> 00:01:57.860 align:middle line:84% and let aunt Gert sigh as loud as she pleased. 00:01:57.860 --> 00:02:00.980 align:middle line:84% 1939, my mother was buying dishes 00:02:00.980 --> 00:02:03.020 align:middle line:84% that had come from Czechoslovakia because they 00:02:03.020 --> 00:02:07.640 align:middle line:84% made the best china, and she was marrying an American Czech. 00:02:07.640 --> 00:02:09.949 align:middle line:84% Most of the teacups are still unbroken, 00:02:09.949 --> 00:02:12.320 align:middle line:84% they're mine now, because I'm her daughter 00:02:12.320 --> 00:02:15.150 align:middle line:84% and she cleaned out her china cabinet last week. 00:02:15.150 --> 00:02:17.840 align:middle line:84% Each piece is a tiny Czechoslovakia stamped 00:02:17.840 --> 00:02:18.830 align:middle line:90% on the bottom. 00:02:18.830 --> 00:02:22.400 align:middle line:84% The cup is thin, you can almost see through its paleness 00:02:22.400 --> 00:02:23.630 align:middle line:90% when it's empty. 00:02:23.630 --> 00:02:26.090 align:middle line:84% Right now there's tea in it, and its level 00:02:26.090 --> 00:02:29.060 align:middle line:84% can be gauged from the shadow outside. 00:02:29.060 --> 00:02:32.180 align:middle line:84% The cup is the palest water green imaginable. 00:02:32.180 --> 00:02:35.150 align:middle line:84% Sometimes, in certain lights, it is so pale, 00:02:35.150 --> 00:02:38.540 align:middle line:84% it doesn't seem green at all, just something not white. 00:02:38.540 --> 00:02:41.150 align:middle line:84% It is shiny and there are thin bands of gold 00:02:41.150 --> 00:02:42.990 align:middle line:84% around the edges of the saucer and cup, 00:02:42.990 --> 00:02:47.390 align:middle line:84% and again, midway down the bowl of the cup, and at its base 00:02:47.390 --> 00:02:51.380 align:middle line:84% which is subtly formed into a semi pedestal. 00:02:51.380 --> 00:02:54.350 align:middle line:84% There's also a band of gold on the inner circle of the saucer, 00:02:54.350 --> 00:02:56.600 align:middle line:84% but it has been worn away after so many years, 00:02:56.600 --> 00:03:00.080 align:middle line:84% except for a dulled, blurred line. 00:03:00.080 --> 00:03:04.220 align:middle line:84% There's no other decoration on the outside of the cup. 00:03:04.220 --> 00:03:08.090 align:middle line:84% A bland precision of lines and curved light. 00:03:08.090 --> 00:03:10.670 align:middle line:84% But inside the cup, there are flowers, 00:03:10.670 --> 00:03:12.530 align:middle line:84% as if someone had scattered a bouquet 00:03:12.530 --> 00:03:14.810 align:middle line:84% and it had tumbled into separate blossoms, 00:03:14.810 --> 00:03:18.350 align:middle line:84% falling in a full circle around the inside. 00:03:18.350 --> 00:03:21.230 align:middle line:84% Some had fallen faster to the bottom of the cup, 00:03:21.230 --> 00:03:24.500 align:middle line:90% while some are still floating. 00:03:24.500 --> 00:03:26.870 align:middle line:84% The blossoms don't seem to be pasted 00:03:26.870 --> 00:03:29.030 align:middle line:84% on the surface like decals, they really 00:03:29.030 --> 00:03:31.340 align:middle line:90% appear to be caught in motion. 00:03:31.340 --> 00:03:34.940 align:middle line:84% And now, for the first time alone in my own house, 00:03:34.940 --> 00:03:36.830 align:middle line:84% I've never been alone with one of these cups 00:03:36.830 --> 00:03:38.780 align:middle line:84% before, they were her company dishes. 00:03:38.780 --> 00:03:41.490 align:middle line:84% I see that no two flowers on the cup or the saucer 00:03:41.490 --> 00:03:44.090 align:middle line:84% are the same, each a different flower, 00:03:44.090 --> 00:03:47.180 align:middle line:84% different colors, different altitudes of falling, 00:03:47.180 --> 00:03:50.750 align:middle line:84% nothing to create a pattern, yet the cup and saucer together 00:03:50.750 --> 00:03:53.450 align:middle line:84% are pure light, something extremely 00:03:53.450 --> 00:03:57.290 align:middle line:84% delicate but definite, as refined as a face. 00:03:57.290 --> 00:04:01.310 align:middle line:84% My mother's face, which has fallen into sadness. 00:04:01.310 --> 00:04:05.840 align:middle line:84% Nothing tragic ever happened to her, nothing big, she says. 00:04:05.840 --> 00:04:08.930 align:middle line:84% I'm the one who's wanted something big. 00:04:08.930 --> 00:04:10.850 align:middle line:84% I know the most important thing in the world, 00:04:10.850 --> 00:04:14.270 align:middle line:84% I told her when I was 10, "Well, what is it?" she asked. 00:04:14.270 --> 00:04:18.019 align:middle line:84% Work, work is the most important thing. 00:04:18.019 --> 00:04:20.000 align:middle line:90% Her face showed fear. 00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:22.550 align:middle line:84% "Oh no," she said quickly, trying to sweep 00:04:22.550 --> 00:04:25.730 align:middle line:84% away the thought, "No, family is the important thing, family 00:04:25.730 --> 00:04:26.960 align:middle line:90% darling." 00:04:26.960 --> 00:04:29.900 align:middle line:84% Even then, her voice was sounding a farewell, 00:04:29.900 --> 00:04:33.710 align:middle line:84% the first of all those goodbyes mothers say to their daughters, 00:04:33.710 --> 00:04:37.340 align:middle line:84% or maybe our parting began the day when dad came up 00:04:37.340 --> 00:04:39.770 align:middle line:84% behind her in the kitchen, he kissed her 00:04:39.770 --> 00:04:41.900 align:middle line:84% on the back of the neck, she thought 00:04:41.900 --> 00:04:44.360 align:middle line:84% they were alone but my brother and I had followed him 00:04:44.360 --> 00:04:45.530 align:middle line:90% into the kitchen. 00:04:45.530 --> 00:04:48.710 align:middle line:84% He kissed her neck just where the hair stops. 00:04:48.710 --> 00:04:51.030 align:middle line:84% She turned from the sink like a swaying 00:04:51.030 --> 00:04:54.170 align:middle line:84% stem, with her hands all full of soapsuds, 00:04:54.170 --> 00:04:57.380 align:middle line:84% and put her stem arms around his neck. 00:04:57.380 --> 00:04:59.600 align:middle line:84% Her eyes were closed, her arms heavy 00:04:59.600 --> 00:05:04.190 align:middle line:84% and soapy, pure and passionate soap arms of my mother. 00:05:04.190 --> 00:05:07.040 align:middle line:84% He drew her down suddenly, in a swooping joke 00:05:07.040 --> 00:05:10.640 align:middle line:84% of an embrace of Valentino band and antic pose 00:05:10.640 --> 00:05:13.550 align:middle line:84% for us giggling kids, he swept her in his arms 00:05:13.550 --> 00:05:15.410 align:middle line:84% and gave her lips a clownish kiss. 00:05:15.410 --> 00:05:17.720 align:middle line:84% We giggled, and our father laughed and turned 00:05:17.720 --> 00:05:19.400 align:middle line:90% to grin at his audience. 00:05:19.400 --> 00:05:24.200 align:middle line:84% "My darling, I love you," he said to her soulfully. 00:05:24.200 --> 00:05:26.780 align:middle line:84% Her body struggled awkwardly, her eyes flew open 00:05:26.780 --> 00:05:28.940 align:middle line:84% and she tried to rise from his clownish embrace. 00:05:28.940 --> 00:05:33.290 align:middle line:84% "No, no," she said, no, no, to any joke. 00:05:33.290 --> 00:05:35.960 align:middle line:84% She stood at the edge of her red pedaled life, 00:05:35.960 --> 00:05:38.450 align:middle line:84% there are buds that never open, "just let me up," 00:05:38.450 --> 00:05:41.450 align:middle line:84% she said, "I got these dishes to do, let me up." 00:05:41.450 --> 00:05:44.660 align:middle line:84% And she plunged her hands back into the dishwater. 00:05:44.660 --> 00:05:49.670 align:middle line:84% Every night she swam with her thoughts in that small sea. 00:05:49.670 --> 00:05:53.330 align:middle line:84% In the cup, amid the bundle of pastel falling flowers 00:05:53.330 --> 00:05:56.900 align:middle line:84% at the bottom of the bowl, there's another firm, thin gold 00:05:56.900 --> 00:05:57.830 align:middle line:90% circlet. 00:05:57.830 --> 00:06:01.190 align:middle line:84% It shines up just below the most deeply submerged flower, 00:06:01.190 --> 00:06:06.050 align:middle line:84% like a shoreline submerged by a momentary tide of morning tea. 00:06:06.050 --> 00:06:09.200 align:middle line:84% The engulfed flowers become oranges and violets, 00:06:09.200 --> 00:06:10.550 align:middle line:90% those colors. 00:06:10.550 --> 00:06:14.300 align:middle line:84% Above the tea lime, there are green leaves and several jots 00:06:14.300 --> 00:06:18.080 align:middle line:84% of blue flowers, not deep and bright like corn flowers, 00:06:18.080 --> 00:06:21.740 align:middle line:84% but a powdery toneless blue, a monochrome 00:06:21.740 --> 00:06:23.960 align:middle line:90% without shadow or cloud. 00:06:23.960 --> 00:06:27.020 align:middle line:84% Also, there is the shape of the flowers. 00:06:27.020 --> 00:06:29.450 align:middle line:84% Some are plump, all curve and weight, 00:06:29.450 --> 00:06:32.120 align:middle line:84% there is a pale lavender rose on the saucer, 00:06:32.120 --> 00:06:35.690 align:middle line:84% with a rounded balled up cabbage head of petals. 00:06:35.690 --> 00:06:38.180 align:middle line:84% And on the opposite side, a spiky orange 00:06:38.180 --> 00:06:39.830 align:middle line:90% dahlia-like flower. 00:06:39.830 --> 00:06:43.730 align:middle line:84% None of the flowers looks real, they are suggestions. 00:06:43.730 --> 00:06:48.020 align:middle line:84% Pale, almost unfinished, with occasional sparks 00:06:48.020 --> 00:06:51.860 align:middle line:84% of brightness like a replica of memory itself. 00:06:51.860 --> 00:06:54.170 align:middle line:84% There is a slur of recollection about them, 00:06:54.170 --> 00:06:57.500 align:middle line:84% something imprecise, seductive, and foggy, 00:06:57.500 --> 00:07:01.100 align:middle line:84% but held together with a bright bolt of accuracy, perhaps 00:07:01.100 --> 00:07:03.500 align:middle line:84% a piercing glance from a long dead uncle, 00:07:03.500 --> 00:07:08.930 align:middle line:84% whose face, all the features, has otherwise faded and gone. 00:07:08.930 --> 00:07:13.550 align:middle line:84% In 1939 in Chicago, my mother was a bride. 00:07:13.550 --> 00:07:15.680 align:middle line:84% That was the first year of the war, when 00:07:15.680 --> 00:07:18.320 align:middle line:90% Europe began to eat itself raw. 00:07:18.320 --> 00:07:20.300 align:middle line:84% And the newspaper picture announcing 00:07:20.300 --> 00:07:22.070 align:middle line:84% the marriage, her head had a halo, 00:07:22.070 --> 00:07:24.920 align:middle line:84% a golden light was around her head. 00:07:24.920 --> 00:07:27.710 align:middle line:84% "I wasn't one for buying a lot of stuff," she tells me. 00:07:27.710 --> 00:07:28.940 align:middle line:90% "You only need so much. 00:07:28.940 --> 00:07:31.970 align:middle line:84% I bought when I needed, when I got married." 00:07:31.970 --> 00:07:34.400 align:middle line:84% In the past few years, she's been giving me many 00:07:34.400 --> 00:07:36.217 align:middle line:90% of those things piece by piece. 00:07:36.217 --> 00:07:38.300 align:middle line:84% Every time I go over to visit she says, "Well, you 00:07:38.300 --> 00:07:40.767 align:middle line:84% might as well take the yellow tablecloth," 00:07:40.767 --> 00:07:42.600 align:middle line:84% or there will be a pile of silverware she'll 00:07:42.600 --> 00:07:44.900 align:middle line:90% want me to have, these teacups. 00:07:44.900 --> 00:07:47.690 align:middle line:84% I'm always walking off with something. 00:07:47.690 --> 00:07:50.810 align:middle line:84% I try to get her to talk about her life but she won't do that. 00:07:50.810 --> 00:07:54.050 align:middle line:84% It's not that she thinks I'm prying, "Well honey, what 00:07:54.050 --> 00:07:57.405 align:middle line:84% do you want to know?" she says, "I mean, what's there to say?" 00:07:57.405 --> 00:07:59.030 align:middle line:84% And she pushes her hair, which is still 00:07:59.030 --> 00:08:01.880 align:middle line:84% more blonde than anything else, away from her face 00:08:01.880 --> 00:08:03.350 align:middle line:90% and she looks really beautiful. 00:08:03.350 --> 00:08:05.797 align:middle line:84% I start talking fast, saying about how everybody knows 00:08:05.797 --> 00:08:07.880 align:middle line:84% the world has changed a lot since the Second World 00:08:07.880 --> 00:08:09.800 align:middle line:84% War ended, and she was alive when 00:08:09.800 --> 00:08:11.415 align:middle line:84% Hitler was in power, for God's sake, 00:08:11.415 --> 00:08:12.790 align:middle line:84% and she's lived through something 00:08:12.790 --> 00:08:14.580 align:middle line:90% and that's part of history. 00:08:14.580 --> 00:08:17.030 align:middle line:84% "It wasn't that long ago," she says, and flips 00:08:17.030 --> 00:08:19.097 align:middle line:84% her honey hair again and lights a cigarette, 00:08:19.097 --> 00:08:21.680 align:middle line:84% "Besides, you'd have to talk to somebody from Europe about all 00:08:21.680 --> 00:08:24.440 align:middle line:90% that, they lived through it." 00:08:24.440 --> 00:08:26.000 align:middle line:84% Once she told me that in high school, 00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:28.370 align:middle line:84% she'd had an assignment to write an essay about why 00:08:28.370 --> 00:08:30.530 align:middle line:90% Hitler was good for Germany. 00:08:30.530 --> 00:08:32.390 align:middle line:84% "Personally, I never liked him," she said, 00:08:32.390 --> 00:08:38.610 align:middle line:84% "we were always democrats, but we did have that assignment." 00:08:38.610 --> 00:08:40.257 align:middle line:84% So I go over to visit, and we talk, 00:08:40.257 --> 00:08:41.840 align:middle line:84% and I ask all these questions, and she 00:08:41.840 --> 00:08:44.300 align:middle line:84% says "You sound like one of those oral history projects." 00:08:44.300 --> 00:08:46.520 align:middle line:84% and I say, "No, really I'm interested." 00:08:46.520 --> 00:08:48.080 align:middle line:84% I'm always telling her, "Anything 00:08:48.080 --> 00:08:51.290 align:middle line:84% you can remember, any detail, it's really important, 00:08:51.290 --> 00:08:53.270 align:middle line:84% everybody's life is important," I say. 00:08:53.270 --> 00:08:56.660 align:middle line:84% "I'm interested, I can't even explain why." 00:08:56.660 --> 00:08:58.610 align:middle line:84% Sometimes she says things like, "You know, 00:08:58.610 --> 00:09:01.587 align:middle line:84% I bet you won't believe this, but we girls way back, 00:09:01.587 --> 00:09:03.170 align:middle line:84% and this wasn't in the country either, 00:09:03.170 --> 00:09:06.650 align:middle line:84% we used to use cotton strips all bundled up instead of Kotex. 00:09:06.650 --> 00:09:09.920 align:middle line:84% And we wash them out and use them over again. 00:09:09.920 --> 00:09:12.210 align:middle line:84% Or the first pair of nylon stockings I bought, 00:09:12.210 --> 00:09:17.480 align:middle line:84% they lasted two years, then stockings started not lasting." 00:09:17.480 --> 00:09:19.610 align:middle line:84% Once she looked across the kitchen table at me 00:09:19.610 --> 00:09:22.460 align:middle line:84% and said almost experimentally, as if she wanted 00:09:22.460 --> 00:09:29.780 align:middle line:84% to hear how it would sound aloud, 00:09:29.780 --> 00:09:31.730 align:middle line:84% "You know, one day your father came home, just 00:09:31.730 --> 00:09:35.180 align:middle line:84% an ordinary day, and I looked up and I wasn't even thinking, 00:09:35.180 --> 00:09:38.000 align:middle line:84% it just dotted into my head, someday he'll walk in 00:09:38.000 --> 00:09:40.100 align:middle line:84% and I just won't be here, I'll just leave," 00:09:40.100 --> 00:09:43.160 align:middle line:90% but it never happened. 00:09:43.160 --> 00:09:45.860 align:middle line:84% None of it amounts to anything though, her details 00:09:45.860 --> 00:09:47.780 align:middle line:90% don't add up to a life story. 00:09:47.780 --> 00:09:50.930 align:middle line:84% Maybe that's why she's been giving me all these things, 00:09:50.930 --> 00:09:52.290 align:middle line:90% the past few years. 00:09:52.290 --> 00:09:55.940 align:middle line:84% Her possessions, everything she bought in 1939, 00:09:55.940 --> 00:09:57.530 align:middle line:90% the year of her marriage. 00:09:57.530 --> 00:10:01.520 align:middle line:84% This teacup, which I look at closely for a long time, 00:10:01.520 --> 00:10:04.370 align:middle line:84% sitting at my own white and yellow kitchen table 00:10:04.370 --> 00:10:06.710 align:middle line:90% across the city from her. 00:10:06.710 --> 00:10:10.070 align:middle line:84% The teacup was made in a country far away, of which 00:10:10.070 --> 00:10:13.010 align:middle line:90% other countries know little. 00:10:13.010 --> 00:10:16.340 align:middle line:84% "An English politician, but you can't go just blaming him," 00:10:16.340 --> 00:10:18.710 align:middle line:84% my mother says, "Shook a nation away, 00:10:18.710 --> 00:10:21.530 align:middle line:84% as he tightly furled his black umbrella." 00:10:21.530 --> 00:10:24.110 align:middle line:84% A country lost its absorption and peaceful work, 00:10:24.110 --> 00:10:27.050 align:middle line:84% lost its pure science of flinging flowers 00:10:27.050 --> 00:10:28.910 align:middle line:90% onto the sides of teacups. 00:10:28.910 --> 00:10:30.440 align:middle line:84% I tell her, I believe that something 00:10:30.440 --> 00:10:31.523 align:middle line:90% could have been different. 00:10:31.523 --> 00:10:33.470 align:middle line:84% What would have happened if someone 00:10:33.470 --> 00:10:35.750 align:middle line:84% was an important black umbrella, had considered 00:10:35.750 --> 00:10:37.100 align:middle line:90% the future of teacups? 00:10:37.100 --> 00:10:39.110 align:middle line:84% If powerful men bowed their heads 00:10:39.110 --> 00:10:41.840 align:middle line:84% at the difficulties of implanting the waxy tulip 00:10:41.840 --> 00:10:43.130 align:middle line:90% on porcelain. 00:10:43.130 --> 00:10:46.070 align:middle line:84% Old questions, certain people have tried to answer them. 00:10:46.070 --> 00:10:49.490 align:middle line:84% There are books, but many of us still live with the details. 00:10:49.490 --> 00:10:52.370 align:middle line:84% The souvenirs of some places are never broken. 00:10:52.370 --> 00:10:56.510 align:middle line:84% This cup is a detail, a small uncharred finger 00:10:56.510 --> 00:11:00.320 align:middle line:90% from the mid-century bonfire. 00:11:00.320 --> 00:11:03.770 align:middle line:84% I visit my mother, we sit in her blue and white kitchen. 00:11:03.770 --> 00:11:06.140 align:middle line:84% My mother stands up for the future. 00:11:06.140 --> 00:11:08.750 align:middle line:84% "Life goes on, you can't keep going over things," 00:11:08.750 --> 00:11:12.530 align:middle line:84% she says, "Its the flow of life that counts." 00:11:12.530 --> 00:11:16.130 align:middle line:84% She wants me to ride forward, into the golden light that she 00:11:16.130 --> 00:11:18.410 align:middle line:84% says is the future in all its possibilities. 00:11:18.410 --> 00:11:20.870 align:middle line:90% "Look ahead," she tells me. 00:11:20.870 --> 00:11:24.110 align:middle line:84% I try, but everything drives me into the past, 00:11:24.110 --> 00:11:26.210 align:middle line:90% that she insists is safely gone. 00:11:26.210 --> 00:11:28.190 align:middle line:84% How can I ride forward on her errand 00:11:28.190 --> 00:11:30.620 align:middle line:84% when all the world, even the smallest object, 00:11:30.620 --> 00:11:33.350 align:middle line:84% sends me back, sets me wondering over 00:11:33.350 --> 00:11:35.990 align:middle line:84% and over about our own strange life in country? 00:11:35.990 --> 00:11:38.720 align:middle line:84% Always trying to understand history and sex. 00:11:38.720 --> 00:11:41.240 align:middle line:84% Details, however small get sorted 00:11:41.240 --> 00:11:43.220 align:middle line:84% into their appropriate stories all right, 00:11:43.220 --> 00:11:45.080 align:middle line:84% but I'm always holding out for the past 00:11:45.080 --> 00:11:47.360 align:middle line:84% and thinking how it keeps coming back at us. 00:11:47.360 --> 00:11:49.550 align:middle line:84% "No details are disparate," I tell her. 00:11:49.550 --> 00:11:51.800 align:middle line:84% "Mother, the cups were discontinued 00:11:51.800 --> 00:11:53.930 align:middle line:84% because the country was discontinued." 00:11:53.930 --> 00:11:55.910 align:middle line:84% "Oh, but now you're talking politics," 00:11:55.910 --> 00:11:57.860 align:middle line:84% she says and clears off the table, 00:11:57.860 --> 00:12:00.840 align:middle line:90% "over my head, over my head." 00:12:00.840 --> 00:12:03.170 align:middle line:84% But it's not, that's what makes me mad, 00:12:03.170 --> 00:12:05.570 align:middle line:84% she knows, they all do, those brides 00:12:05.570 --> 00:12:07.820 align:middle line:90% who chose their china in 1939. 00:12:07.820 --> 00:12:11.600 align:middle line:84% Many things fell that year for those brides, not only flowers 00:12:11.600 --> 00:12:12.710 align:middle line:90% into teacups. 00:12:12.710 --> 00:12:15.530 align:middle line:84% Their bodies fell, paired with other bodies, 00:12:15.530 --> 00:12:17.780 align:middle line:84% on beds together for the first time. 00:12:17.780 --> 00:12:21.950 align:middle line:84% "But that was no tragedy," she says, smiling with her hands 00:12:21.950 --> 00:12:23.600 align:middle line:90% on the back of a chair. 00:12:23.600 --> 00:12:26.300 align:middle line:84% Smiling because she knows after all our talks, 00:12:26.300 --> 00:12:29.420 align:middle line:84% that I think something was wasted when she first fell, 00:12:29.420 --> 00:12:31.400 align:middle line:90% because I have refused to fall. 00:12:31.400 --> 00:12:34.970 align:middle line:84% "Some people just don't want to get married, I know that," 00:12:34.970 --> 00:12:37.340 align:middle line:90% she says broad mindedly. 00:12:37.340 --> 00:12:40.310 align:middle line:84% But she knows I'm saying that marriage isn't there 00:12:40.310 --> 00:12:44.210 align:middle line:84% anymore, the flowered flannel nightgown isn't being hung 00:12:44.210 --> 00:12:47.870 align:middle line:84% on a peg in a closet next to a pair of striped drawstring 00:12:47.870 --> 00:12:49.410 align:middle line:90% pajamas anymore. 00:12:49.410 --> 00:12:52.280 align:middle line:84% "We don't get married anymore mother, don't blame me, 00:12:52.280 --> 00:12:54.200 align:middle line:90% I didn't think it up." 00:12:54.200 --> 00:12:57.830 align:middle line:84% "Don't talk like a sausage," she says, "There are always 00:12:57.830 --> 00:13:00.920 align:middle line:84% some people who do not want to get married I understand this, 00:13:00.920 --> 00:13:02.010 align:middle line:90% I understand you. 00:13:02.010 --> 00:13:03.260 align:middle line:90% You don't want to get married? 00:13:03.260 --> 00:13:06.000 align:middle line:84% Fine, that's just fine, it's fine. 00:13:06.000 --> 00:13:09.350 align:middle line:90% Many people live that way." 00:13:09.350 --> 00:13:12.270 align:middle line:84% Her own marriage, I agree was no tragedy. 00:13:12.270 --> 00:13:14.930 align:middle line:84% It was the old ball pulled across the cello, 00:13:14.930 --> 00:13:17.600 align:middle line:84% making its first sexual sound again, 00:13:17.600 --> 00:13:21.380 align:middle line:84% another generation joining the long, low moan. 00:13:21.380 --> 00:13:23.180 align:middle line:84% The falling of flowers down the sides 00:13:23.180 --> 00:13:26.000 align:middle line:84% of teacups, the plunging bodies on white sheets. 00:13:26.000 --> 00:13:29.270 align:middle line:84% I know people could take any amount of this pain. 00:13:29.270 --> 00:13:31.430 align:middle line:84% But the falling of the other bodies, 00:13:31.430 --> 00:13:33.380 align:middle line:84% the rain of bodies in Europe, that 00:13:33.380 --> 00:13:35.000 align:middle line:90% happened that year to mother. 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:37.610 align:middle line:84% Marriage, that's one thing we agree that for her it 00:13:37.610 --> 00:13:40.130 align:middle line:84% was no tragedy, wasn't the end really. 00:13:40.130 --> 00:13:43.100 align:middle line:84% But Europe was broken, broken for good. 00:13:43.100 --> 00:13:46.190 align:middle line:84% There was no replacing a nation of glass blowers. 00:13:46.190 --> 00:13:50.150 align:middle line:84% Bodies fell that year in Madrid too, in the cities of Spain, 00:13:50.150 --> 00:13:52.280 align:middle line:84% women looked up at the sky in terror, 00:13:52.280 --> 00:13:56.390 align:middle line:84% in Barcelona, almost for the first time in history, a woman 00:13:56.390 --> 00:13:58.280 align:middle line:84% carrying home a branch of forsythia 00:13:58.280 --> 00:14:03.020 align:middle line:84% wrapped in waxed paper, ran for cover, hiding from the air. 00:14:03.020 --> 00:14:05.870 align:middle line:84% In that war, bombs fell on women from the air 00:14:05.870 --> 00:14:07.178 align:middle line:90% and it was planned. 00:14:07.178 --> 00:14:08.720 align:middle line:84% My mother says she can't get over how 00:14:08.720 --> 00:14:10.730 align:middle line:90% I'm always connecting things. 00:14:10.730 --> 00:14:13.040 align:middle line:84% "Everybody I know talks this way," I say, 00:14:13.040 --> 00:14:14.790 align:middle line:90% "Does it embarrass you?" 00:14:14.790 --> 00:14:18.320 align:middle line:84% "No, just," "Well tell the truth." 00:14:18.320 --> 00:14:20.870 align:middle line:90% "I will, I'll try to." 00:14:20.870 --> 00:14:23.570 align:middle line:84% The only real difference between us, between my mother and me, 00:14:23.570 --> 00:14:26.450 align:middle line:84% is all the talking I do, her cello voice 00:14:26.450 --> 00:14:28.010 align:middle line:84% was drowned somewhere in the sound 00:14:28.010 --> 00:14:31.790 align:middle line:84% of falling flowers in marriage, and the new thought of bombs 00:14:31.790 --> 00:14:34.550 align:middle line:84% falling on women with flowers with teacups. 00:14:34.550 --> 00:14:37.250 align:middle line:84% But this particular teacup and its golden shoreline 00:14:37.250 --> 00:14:40.220 align:middle line:84% escaped, and she and I both sat with it in our kitchen. 00:14:40.220 --> 00:14:42.468 align:middle line:90% She gave it to me. 00:14:42.468 --> 00:14:44.510 align:middle line:84% Mothers know their daughters go to their bedrooms 00:14:44.510 --> 00:14:47.030 align:middle line:84% and try on the strange clothes women wear, 00:14:47.030 --> 00:14:49.430 align:middle line:84% and look at themselves in the full length mirror, 00:14:49.430 --> 00:14:53.240 align:middle line:84% trying to understand the future, the lipstick, the bras. 00:14:53.240 --> 00:14:55.280 align:middle line:84% Is there a mother who gives a daughter a teacup 00:14:55.280 --> 00:14:58.070 align:middle line:84% and thinks it is not also inspected? 00:14:58.070 --> 00:15:00.860 align:middle line:84% "Mother," I said last week when I was over to visit, 00:15:00.860 --> 00:15:03.320 align:middle line:84% and she was putting red tulips in a vase talking 00:15:03.320 --> 00:15:05.900 align:middle line:84% about how everybody she knew smoked 00:15:05.900 --> 00:15:08.030 align:middle line:84% and how she was glad I'd never taken it up. 00:15:08.030 --> 00:15:10.070 align:middle line:84% "Mother, everybody I know they're 00:15:10.070 --> 00:15:11.570 align:middle line:84% always talking about their parents, 00:15:11.570 --> 00:15:14.090 align:middle line:84% trying to figure out their mothers, did you do that?" 00:15:14.090 --> 00:15:16.160 align:middle line:90% My friends, we all do that. 00:15:16.160 --> 00:15:18.590 align:middle line:84% "No." she said, "We didn't I guess, 00:15:18.590 --> 00:15:22.940 align:middle line:84% we didn't talk the way you do, we didn't have relationships." 00:15:22.940 --> 00:15:24.740 align:middle line:84% Then she remembered about the teacups, 00:15:24.740 --> 00:15:26.960 align:middle line:90% and we changed the conversation. 00:15:26.960 --> 00:15:30.020 align:middle line:84% If she were alone, having a cup of tea as I am now, 00:15:30.020 --> 00:15:32.330 align:middle line:84% she would be smoking a cigarette, 00:15:32.330 --> 00:15:35.270 align:middle line:84% staring dreamily out the kitchen window, 00:15:35.270 --> 00:15:37.220 align:middle line:84% absolutely rubbing her index finger 00:15:37.220 --> 00:15:40.040 align:middle line:84% over the nail of her thumb, she still uses nail polish. 00:15:40.040 --> 00:15:42.890 align:middle line:84% In circle after circle, the smoke 00:15:42.890 --> 00:15:45.980 align:middle line:84% would be circling around your head of honey and smoke hair, 00:15:45.980 --> 00:15:47.480 align:middle line:90% just sitting. 00:15:47.480 --> 00:15:49.310 align:middle line:90% I can see her. 00:15:49.310 --> 00:15:52.190 align:middle line:84% This afternoon though, it is my finger 00:15:52.190 --> 00:15:54.980 align:middle line:84% looped in the ear of this European cup. 00:15:54.980 --> 00:15:57.620 align:middle line:84% She is not the only submerged figure I see. 00:15:57.620 --> 00:16:00.530 align:middle line:84% She and this buoyant cabbage head rose. 00:16:00.530 --> 00:16:03.110 align:middle line:84% There is so much sinking, no hand 00:16:03.110 --> 00:16:05.600 align:middle line:90% can hold all that has happened. 00:16:05.600 --> 00:16:08.180 align:middle line:84% We sit around the kitchen table my friends and I, 00:16:08.180 --> 00:16:10.190 align:middle line:84% and try to describe even one thing, 00:16:10.190 --> 00:16:11.990 align:middle line:90% but it flies apart in words. 00:16:11.990 --> 00:16:16.190 align:middle line:84% Whole afternoons go, women often waste time this way, 00:16:16.190 --> 00:16:19.400 align:middle line:84% but history has to get written somehow. 00:16:19.400 --> 00:16:21.500 align:middle line:84% There are all these souvenirs in our houses, 00:16:21.500 --> 00:16:24.410 align:middle line:84% we have to wash and dust them, they 00:16:24.410 --> 00:16:28.340 align:middle line:84% get handed down, when there's no way of explaining things. 00:16:28.340 --> 00:16:30.260 align:middle line:84% It's as if my mother has always been 00:16:30.260 --> 00:16:35.080 align:middle line:84% saying, "Darling, look at the teacup, it has more to say." 00:16:35.080 --> 00:16:35.580 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:16:35.580 --> 00:16:37.430 align:middle line:90% [APPLAUSE] 00:16:37.430 --> 00:17:02.000 align:middle line:90%