WEBVTT

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All right, so Chapter one.

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"Balloon tying for Christ was
the cheapest balloon manual

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I could find.

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The day I bought
it, it was hidden

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on the lowest rung of a dusty
spinner rack down at Calhoun's

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Novelties, snuggled alongside
shopworn, how-to guides,

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Travel Europe by Clown
Circuit, Rubber Vomit Skits

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For Beginners, and Latex-- the
Beauty of Cuts, Bruises Scars

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and Contusions.

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Want to tie the Virgin Mary?

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Start with a light blue balloon.

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For Jesus, use Easter green.

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There are tips on tying a
crucifix, a lamb, even a Sacred

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Heart in two sizes,
big or small.

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Ooh la la.

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These tricks are
simple but smart.

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The grand finale
is the Pieta Mary

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with a grown Jesus
sprawled across her lap

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in a four balloon extravaganza,
like a tangled link of sausages

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or a Japanese bondage trick.

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The Pieta or bondage,
sacred and profane.

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In balloon art, the two are
that close together-- one

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thin twist.

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I studied all 20 pages of the
flimsy, hand-stapled booklet.

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And so, ta-da!

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By the chance of
cheap pricing, I'd

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come to specialize in religious
tricks, clown iconography,

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and chicanery extraordinaire.

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Most people, though,
looked at my balloon art,

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and saw what they
wanted to see, instead.

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It was interpretive art,
abstract and expressionistic.

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The big plan--

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I had one.

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Someday, I'd be able to tie
all the great works of art,

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starting with da Vinci's
Madonna of the Rocks,

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complete with baby
Jesus, John the Baptist,

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and a little
balloon-twisted angel,

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clustered together
on a rocky perch.

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Already I'd invented
my own version

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of the Sistine Chapel,
Michelangelo's image of God

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giving breath to Adam.

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Two balloons linked form their
famous outstretched fingers.

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Saturday afternoon, in the
thick of a street crowd,

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I tied a crown of thorns
and handed the crown

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to a tiny girl in a
fake leopard sundress.

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She put the crown on
her head as a tiara.

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'Lovely, lovely,' the
girl's mother murmured,

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and tapped the crown
with one jeweled hand.

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Pure princess in a crown
meant for a martyr.

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And the mother pulled
her tiny daughter

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away from the spill of day care
overflow, five-year-olds out

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to celebrate the
King's Row street fair.

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The pack surged forward.

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My makeup was sweating
off and my feet

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hit flat and hard
against the cement

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in cheap, oversized shoes.

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The summer sun was hotter than
I'd ever welcome in the city,

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even on a Saturday.

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Unused balloons clumped
together in the hothouse

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of my pink vinyl shoulder
bag, alongside juggling

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balls, a sleek silver gun,
and the gentle rub of a rubber

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chicken.

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I pulled out a handful of
balloons like gum spaghetti.

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'It is easier for a camel to
go through the eye of a needle

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than for a rich man to enter
into the kingdom of God.'

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That's the biblical quote.

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But in the world of
balloon art, the old camel

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through the eye of a needle
trick is easier than it sounds.

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Start with one balloon,
under-inflated.

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Make the camel really
small, twist a long balloon

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around the camel's back--

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that's the needle-- and
cinch it like a girdle.

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So I passed the
camel and the needle

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to the dirty fist of
the highest bidder--

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an anonymous reaching hand
with a $5 tip crushed in it.

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Bingo!

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A five-year-old with a
five spot was rich enough

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for the temporary kingdom
of balloon heaven on Earth.

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I shoved the cash in the
sleeve of my striped shirt

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and pulled out another balloon.

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Once balloon tying starts,
you can't get away.

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There's always a river of kids.

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I was hired as a roving clown,
but no way could I rove.

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Kids had me corralled,
pushed to the side of the Do

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Your Own Ceramics
place, what used

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to be the wishy-washy laundry
with all-day breakfast

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and off-track betting.

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Next door was the Pawn and
Preen, our little local hock

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shop salon, but the
P&P had been turned

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into a dog biscuit bakery,
and for this King's

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Row, celebrated--"

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Anyway, I'll stop there,
but that's the beginning.

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[APPLAUSE]

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Thanks.

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