WEBVTT

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This is also about
a friend of mine,

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a woman, who had a very, very--

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she's one of these people that
I met that makes me feel like,

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and you thought
you had problems.

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And like it helped me because
she's so brave and powerful.

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And she had a childhood
that made mine look like--

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my father was Walt
Disney and my mother--

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I don't know.

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Like I grew up in
Disneyland or something.

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And she, frankly-- her
father was in the military,

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went to Germany, married
a very young German girl,

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brought her back.

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He's Mexican.

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They went to live around
Santa Cruz out in the country.

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And she went through a terrible
kind of breakdown from--

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she had wanted to be a dancer.

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She lost her kind
of dream to do that.

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She was in a very alien
place and she kind of I

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can understand.

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But the way she dealt with,
it was by beating my friend,

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as a little girl, every
morning of her life

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until she literally
went deaf in one ear.

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And she beat her every day
until she got too big to beat.

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Then, when she was nine,
her mother and father

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went on vacation.

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And for two weeks
her brother and uncle

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raped her every day and
night for two weeks.

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And her parents
didn't believe her.

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And she still talks to them
and visits them on occasion.

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And it made me
think about myself

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because I'm not particularly
fond of my family

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for a lot of reasons.

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And most of them are dead.

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And some of them I'd like to
dig up and kill all over again.

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And yet, I went back.

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I still talk to my mother.

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We have one of those families
and I've seen other people

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like this, where I can
say and I won't say it,

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but you can imagine, I
can say the most obscene

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and brutal and vicious
thing to my mother.

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And I guarantee, in a
week, we'll be on the phone

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again, affably chatting away as
if nothing had ever happened.

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My wife told me, if
you said something

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like that to my mother, anything
like a fraction of what--

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she would never be able to speak
to you or look at you again.

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She'd be so devastated.

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And I realized there was
something different about us.

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My friend had this
raised to a higher level.

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So anyway, I wondered
why we did it.

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She did it.

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I did it, and I know
a lot of people.

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Why do we do that?

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I thought about this.

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And so I tried to write about it
and I came up with some ideas.

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But then after I
wrote this, I realized

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that I had sort of just
touched the surface.

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And now, my heart
sinks to think of--

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I'll have to like maybe
explore further more

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complexities about this.

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I hope not, though.

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But I'd rather not,
but I don't know.

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What else am I going to do?

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I mean, I don't have a job.

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It's called the
Scars Birthday Party.

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I made it like a
kind of fairy tale.

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There's a word that I coined.

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It's kindertotenvalt
vault. If you

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know Mahler,
Kindertotenlieder, the songs

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on the deaths of children.

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It's a wonderful quality of
German that you can make up

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these compound nouns and you
make words up, beautiful words.

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Kindertotenlieder would be
like, I don't know, the wood

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of death to children
or something.

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But anyway, dim sun checkered
path through the forest,

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the perishing limbs
lose their leaves,

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were they mine I would gladly
let go all my gold leaves.

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To carpet the ground,
her feet walk on,

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though she merely
frowned, forget I lived

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and hurry on for she must
not be late for reasons

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not at present time.

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If ever known,
she can't be late.

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She hurries on.

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She only knows that they are
waiting, they're waiting,

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they are longing for
her at this very moment.

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This is a strange thing.

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I mean, these families.

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And I know this.

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We do love each other.

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It's very hard to understand,
but I mean, it's your family.

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what are you going to do?

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You can't get another one.

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You can, in some ways.

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You get your own
as you get older.

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And I had to do that.

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But anyway, she hurries on.

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She only knows that they're
waiting, they're waiting,

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they are longing for
her at this very moment.

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All year long they have
been pining for her,

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waiting and listening,
listening, through sleep

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for the steps they know.

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The little knock the child
she was they most intently

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listen for and wait.

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The child she never
was, but will be now

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if somewhat tall the
instant the front door

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starts opening as though by
itself and the option to enter

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is offered apparently.

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They rejoice, that
mere sound of her steps

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were already rejoicing,
though no one will say so.

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No one knows how that
is done, how to make

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the appropriate face even.

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They wish, in their way, to
delight at the sight of her

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even if it is all they
can do to grunt something

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in greeting so great
as their happiness

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that she has come here
standing there in person.

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But for her, they have
little to live for.

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It's dying they live
for, in fact, and TV.

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Somebody hands
the remote to her,

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this honor has done her and
gestures sit down, want a Coke,

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want a cookie, they mutter.

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It sounds like that. eyes
still intent on the set

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with the sound of familiar room,
otherwise, dark curtains drawn.

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There in it's
light they all sit.

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Father blind-- and her
father did go blind.

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That's strange because he was
blind to what was mysterious.

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Maybe it was-- yeah, he
didn't see what was going on

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and he went blind.

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That's interesting. father
blind, mother Monster, now her.

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The faculty of speech
regressed already

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to that of a nine-year-old
irreparably shy with terror,

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sick with hope.

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She can't say she
is comfortable yet

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with being seated in this
vast armchair, her feet barely

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touching the floor or with
the prospect of having

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to sleep in a bed half
her length in her old room

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or with lying there
in utter darkness,

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frozen unable to
move when they enter.

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Tongue drawn back
into her throat,

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but then she will be
dreaming, won't she?

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The visit, itself, may
be some kind of dream.

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That is still vaguely possible.

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They hope entertained
resorted to when necessary,

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when painful and
unheard of things

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were occurring to her body.

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For example, no
cessation of them

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yet in sight in previous years.

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Those unending years of actually
living there possessing,

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in fact, no memory
whatsoever of having ever

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woken up anywhere else.

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For the time being
though, she is still

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sitting here right next to
mother, the fixed smiling

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glare, and her husband, the
mumbled joke nobody gets.

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They appear to be sleeping,
reclined in their chairs.

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All year long, they've been
sleeping, sleeping as snow

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fell blowing all
around the house.

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Spring branch is
tapping at windows, each

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alone in their rooms.

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Summer fields wait for harvest,
then leaves, golden leaves,

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falling.

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Leaves of my dying,
dying to see his eyes,

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hear his voice saying my name.

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Once again, he has come here
to save me, to buy me things,

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teach me how monsters
have monsters.

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That's right.

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The tormented torment,
the abandoned abandoned.

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Charismatically numb, cold,
surviving, the last ones

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left standing.

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And how shall they warm someone
else so very much themselves

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in need of one to come and save
them from that Arctic horror

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they have been crossing
on foot all their lives.

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The last companion eaten,
the graves of my footprints

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erased long ago, dying of
loneliness there in my cubicle,

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waiting for someone to
rescue me, someone to rescue.

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It comes to the same thing--

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save me.

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I miss you.

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All the while,
they were sleeping.

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They slept as the seasons
were changing around them,

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waiting for this day.

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Mother beat you daily
into speechless deafness,

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father blind to it all.

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I'm sorry dear, we just
don't have the money

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for a hearing aid right now.

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Blue soundless TV, and look,
there's brother rapist.

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unnoted, unmentioned, the
origins weeping ignored,

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ignored.

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Knock at the back
door, the knocking

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that goes on and on
forwarding address unknown.

00:10:24.820 --> 00:10:29.050 align:middle line:84%
And sister silent is sitting
here to in a bad light,

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the perpetually downcast
gaze, the amputated tongue

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forever nodding--

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yes, yes, yes as she's
mouthing the words

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of the miniature Bible
she carries at all times,

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never getting beyond
the first page.

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From under her pillow,
it slowly recites itself,

00:10:47.860 --> 00:10:52.240 align:middle line:84%
such a kind voice saying,
everything's fine, everything

00:10:52.240 --> 00:10:54.580 align:middle line:84%
is going to be all
right, abruptly

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followed by a stream of
loudly whispered accusations,

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each one true.

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But he didn't really mean
it, my peace, my beloved.

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While we're waiting
for her to turn up,

00:11:06.010 --> 00:11:10.630 align:middle line:84%
it seems like all we ever do,
poor little elder sister still

00:11:10.630 --> 00:11:13.850 align:middle line:90%
so far and maybe lost a while.

00:11:13.850 --> 00:11:15.970 align:middle line:84%
But on the straight
road, once again,

00:11:15.970 --> 00:11:19.210 align:middle line:84%
surely, and she shall
wear gold, golden

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leaves to adorn her to guide
her nodding now and then

00:11:24.280 --> 00:11:28.090 align:middle line:84%
slapping herself in the face
hard, trying to shake off

00:11:28.090 --> 00:11:32.440 align:middle line:84%
the dream she keeps falling
into Earth opening under her,

00:11:32.440 --> 00:11:36.430 align:middle line:84%
the dream of walking
someplace else anywhere.

00:11:36.430 --> 00:11:38.860 align:middle line:84%
I must wake up
now, she's saying.

00:11:38.860 --> 00:11:41.010 align:middle line:90%
Yes, she is so close.

00:11:41.010 --> 00:11:42.510 align:middle line:90%
I can already hear her.

00:11:42.510 --> 00:11:46.260 align:middle line:84%
But hearing kindertotenvalt
the way is long,

00:11:46.260 --> 00:11:49.260 align:middle line:84%
the roads unnamed,
etiquette strange,

00:11:49.260 --> 00:11:51.840 align:middle line:84%
changing from day to
day, minute to minute.

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For example, is it correct
to comment, admiringly,

00:11:55.830 --> 00:11:58.950 align:middle line:84%
on a family friend's
shiny new fang dentures?

00:11:58.950 --> 00:12:02.550 align:middle line:90%
There, I can't help you.

00:12:02.550 --> 00:12:07.050 align:middle line:84%
The house must be close by now,
so what does one say this time?

00:12:07.050 --> 00:12:11.490 align:middle line:84%
What does one do when the
sardonic greeting ceased,

00:12:11.490 --> 00:12:13.110 align:middle line:90%
you're asking me?

00:12:13.110 --> 00:12:14.970 align:middle line:90%
Cringing hugs, possibly.

00:12:14.970 --> 00:12:17.730 align:middle line:90%
Shaky chill and weightless hand.

00:12:17.730 --> 00:12:22.950 align:middle line:84%
Kiss a cheek smelling faintly
of stale lilac and rotting meat.

00:12:22.950 --> 00:12:25.530 align:middle line:84%
Take an ax to
them, all shrieking

00:12:25.530 --> 00:12:28.740 align:middle line:84%
exalted hunting them
from room to room,

00:12:28.740 --> 00:12:32.250 align:middle line:84%
screaming the scream
that will never be over.

00:12:32.250 --> 00:12:33.390 align:middle line:90%
Beats me.

00:12:33.390 --> 00:12:35.550 align:middle line:90%
And how did they manage it?

00:12:35.550 --> 00:12:39.270 align:middle line:84%
Do you imagine, all those
years, keeping their true lives

00:12:39.270 --> 00:12:40.920 align:middle line:90%
concealed from the neighbors?

00:12:40.920 --> 00:12:44.190 align:middle line:84%
And look at them now and
their ultimate cunning.

00:12:44.190 --> 00:12:47.470 align:middle line:84%
Somehow, they have totally
changed their appearance.

00:12:47.470 --> 00:12:49.620 align:middle line:90%
I mean, past recognition.

00:12:49.620 --> 00:12:54.090 align:middle line:84%
You feel, who are these shrunken
frail, elderly people who've

00:12:54.090 --> 00:12:56.160 align:middle line:90%
taken the place of our parents?

00:12:56.160 --> 00:12:58.020 align:middle line:90%
And where do they bury them?

00:12:58.020 --> 00:13:00.630 align:middle line:84%
Old people, no one
would ever suspect.

00:13:00.630 --> 00:13:02.820 align:middle line:90%
Victims, now, think of that.

00:13:02.820 --> 00:13:07.590 align:middle line:84%
And abandoned, nobody to care
for them here in their long

00:13:07.590 --> 00:13:11.850 align:middle line:84%
dusty nap with a grass
growing up to the windows,

00:13:11.850 --> 00:13:14.790 align:middle line:84%
the household falling
down around them,

00:13:14.790 --> 00:13:18.030 align:middle line:84%
all on account of this
one thankless child,

00:13:18.030 --> 00:13:22.500 align:middle line:84%
miss big city fake blond
and self-centered daughter,

00:13:22.500 --> 00:13:24.810 align:middle line:90%
who cannot be bothered.

00:13:24.810 --> 00:13:26.160 align:middle line:90%
Yet, here she is again.

00:13:26.160 --> 00:13:27.885 align:middle line:90%
And why?

00:13:27.885 --> 00:13:29.310 align:middle line:90%
Why?

00:13:29.310 --> 00:13:33.750 align:middle line:84%
Why do we still go on phoning
them, visiting, feeded and fed

00:13:33.750 --> 00:13:35.130 align:middle line:90%
by our torturers?

00:13:35.130 --> 00:13:39.090 align:middle line:84%
Why did we not, at 18,
leave and never look back

00:13:39.090 --> 00:13:41.010 align:middle line:90%
and completely forget them.

00:13:41.010 --> 00:13:42.030 align:middle line:90%
I know.

00:13:42.030 --> 00:13:46.230 align:middle line:84%
The need from time to time,
the need to prove they're

00:13:46.230 --> 00:13:47.100 align:middle line:90%
really there.

00:13:47.100 --> 00:13:48.180 align:middle line:90%
You can see them.

00:13:48.180 --> 00:13:53.070 align:middle line:84%
Have proof that they actually
lived and are even living still

00:13:53.070 --> 00:13:55.890 align:middle line:84%
at a listed address and
not just in your head.

00:13:55.890 --> 00:13:59.550 align:middle line:84%
And besides, where else
did you ever fit in?

00:13:59.550 --> 00:14:00.750 align:middle line:90%
Tell the truth.

00:14:00.750 --> 00:14:03.750 align:middle line:84%
And where else is
a monster to turn?

00:14:03.750 --> 00:14:05.250 align:middle line:90%
So close now.

00:14:05.250 --> 00:14:06.690 align:middle line:90%
What else can you do?

00:14:06.690 --> 00:14:10.920 align:middle line:84%
Turn around and go home and
what home would that be?

00:14:10.920 --> 00:14:14.610 align:middle line:84%
Turn around and go back to
that arduously perfected

00:14:14.610 --> 00:14:16.860 align:middle line:84%
impersonation of
one of the normal.

00:14:16.860 --> 00:14:18.120 align:middle line:90%
Fuck the normal.

00:14:18.120 --> 00:14:20.650 align:middle line:84%
Where were they
when we needed them?

00:14:20.650 --> 00:14:25.290 align:middle line:84%
And how could they know how
comprehend this poor sorrow,

00:14:25.290 --> 00:14:29.400 align:middle line:84%
the guilt, the humiliating
and undisobeyable hunger

00:14:29.400 --> 00:14:32.530 align:middle line:90%
to somewhere it belong?

00:14:32.530 --> 00:14:37.900 align:middle line:84%
Just to rest for a day and be
for once this crippled child

00:14:37.900 --> 00:14:40.950 align:middle line:90%
and how much she has loved.

00:14:40.950 --> 00:14:50.000 align:middle line:90%