WEBVTT

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Here's one that,
when I was on tour,

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I almost didn't include
this poem in the book.

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I thought it was
just too lightweight,

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but I finally
decided to, and when

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I was on tour with the One Book
Arizona contest thing, this

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turned out, I read
from this book

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too, as well as "Going
back to Bisbee",

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and this turned out to be
the poem that was requested

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the most, which surprised me.

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The problem in this
poem is syntactical,

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that is, I have a dog talking
in this poem, which is not

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unusual for my things, and
I didn't know whether or not

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the dog would use
the subjunctive.

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I was very concerned
that I get the dog right,

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and Woody uses subjunctive, so
since I used the subjunctive

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in the title, I felt I
had to use it for the dog.

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He was my dog, or
me, actually he's me.

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"If I Were a Dog" is the title.

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If I were a dog, I would
trot down this road,

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sniffing on one side,
and then the other,

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peeing a little here
and there, wherever

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I felt the urge, having a
good time, what the hell,

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saving some, because
it's a long road.

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[LAUGHTER]

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But since I'm not a dog, I
walk straight down the road,

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trying to get home before dark.

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If I were a dog and I
had a master who beat me,

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I would run away and go
hungry, and sniff around

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until I found a
master who loved me.

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I could tell by his smell, and I
would lick his face so he knew.

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Or maybe, it would be a woman.

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I would protect her.

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We could go everywhere together,
even down this dark road.

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And I wouldn't run
from side to side,

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sniffing, I would always
be protecting her,

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and I would stop to pee
only once in a while.

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Sometimes in the afternoon,
we could go to the park,

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and she would throw a stick.

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I would bring it back to her.

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Each time I put the stick
at her feet, I would say,

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this is my heart, and she
would say, I will make it fly,

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but you must bring
it back to me.

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I would always bring it back
to her, and to no other,

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if I were a dog.

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[APPLAUSE]

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