WEBVTT

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The obsession with language.

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My generation's loss
has been, in this way,

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many of us grew up
listening to Spanish,

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but not speaking Spanish.

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And so I can read
Cervantes in Spanish,

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and I can understand everything
you're saying to me in Spanish.

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But to ask you, where's the
nearest laundromat, in Spanish,

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is very difficult.

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There's guilt. There's a lot of
guilt. There's a lot of shame.

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There's a lot of erasure
of the Spanish language.

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It happened when
our parents mouths

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were washed out with soap.

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And so many of us choose,
as a political, spiritual,

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linguistic decision, to attempt
to become fluent in mid-life.

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This is called "What
the Heart Says."

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It's a story.

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Most of my poems, in
the last two years,

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have been poems that have
failed miserably, only

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to turn into
columns, and essays,

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and then finally to
turn into fiction.

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This story called
"What the Heart Says,"

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is from a collection
of short stories

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I'm now writing called The
Block Captain's Daughter.

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"You wake up one morning to
discover that you can roll

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your R's.

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You say your name,
Socorro, Socorro,

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as you gaze in the mirror like
a girl testing her mother's

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lipstick on the sly.

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You open the curtain to
let in more light, then

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glance around the room.

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Towels, toallas.

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Bathtub, bañero.

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Window, ventana.

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Two by two, the words come
at you, creatures paired

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miraculously as in Noah's ark.

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Soap, jabón.

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Shower, lucha.

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Mirror, espejo.

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Gracias a you whisper,
thanks be to God.

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But come to think of
it, God had nothing

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to do with this gift of tongues.

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You remember back to that day.

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'Enough bitching about
not speaking Spanish,

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Cory,' your husband Peter, an
Anglo fluent in five languages

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tells you.

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He sits down at the computer.

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'I'm going on line.'

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A day later, a package arrives--

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flashcards for Latinos who
grew up hearing the language

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but not speaking
it, the tongue-tied

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who ace classes but can't ask
for directions to the nearest

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laundromat, the
guilt-ridden ridden

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for whom Spanish is a
pre-existing condition that

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flares up when ordering food
at a Mexican restaurant,

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then recedes when the
margaritas wear off.

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For a week, the package sits
unopened in its brown wrapping

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on the piano.

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You look at it, embarrassed,
as if it were a sex toy.

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'Come on, open it,' says Peter.

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'Stop telling me how to
run my life,' you answer,

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heading to the backyard
hammock to watch the sun set.

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Why did I marry the
man, you wonder,

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flicking a mosquito
off your wrist?

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What did I see in
him the night he

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stood up at the
Quaker Meeting House

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to debut his film on
Union activists in Oaxaca?

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Peter, with his goofy ponytail
barely rooted to his balding

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head, sporting a Guatemalan
peasant shirt and $125

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sandals made of recycled tires.

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Still, you had to admit
the film was brilliant

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and, thankfully for you,
it had English subtitles.

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And ever since then, have felt
like Peter's English subtitle.

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After the sun sets
behind the west mesa,

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you return to the house.

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Peter has left a note,
saying he's at a meeting.

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You stare at the
flashcard package.

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'This is no way to live,'
you say, razor blade in hand.

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You slit the box open.

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You spread the cards
on the kitchen table

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as if to read the Tarot,
terrified of false promises

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of fluency.

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A statue of St Anthony,
finder of all that is lost,

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looks on you as you read each
word, then flip the card over.

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Stars, estrellas.

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Flames, llamas.

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Stones, piedras.

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The hours pass.

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You stretch out on
the couch and doze.

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You dream of summers with
your bilingual grandma--

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how English went in one
ear, Spanish in the other,

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mellowing inside you, a
beautiful mole of sound.

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You wake up and return to your
game of linguistic solitaire.

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At midnight, Peter
comes home and smells

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the burnt black beans you've
left simmering on low.

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You're asleep at the table,
your head cradled in your arms.

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Saying nothing, Peter
makes you an omelet.

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Gently, he nudges you
awake and hands you a fork.

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Next to St Anthony
he sets up a small TV

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he's rescued from the
garage so that you

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can watch telenovelas or hear
the rosary recited in Spanish

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on the Catholic station.

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He kisses you on the head,
then leaves for Brazil.

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Night, la noche, turns
into day, el día.

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Summer, el verano, turns
into fall, el otoño.

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The kitchen table, meanwhile,
becomes a country all its own.

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With Spanish language newspapers
from around the world, grammar

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books your friend
Martiza brought

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you, and CDs of Cuban music--

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with printed lyrics--
that Flor dropped off.

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Lupe drills you
on common mistakes

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new Spanish speakers
make, so that you will not

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say you are
embarazada, pregnant,

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when you mean to say
you are embarrassed.

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Things begin to happen.

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When you go for your mammogram,
a nurse runs out to the lobby,

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asking if anyone speaks Spanish.

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You follow her to
a small office.

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A Mexican woman
has misunderstood

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the doctor's words--

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she thinks she has cancer.

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You take the chart from the
nurse, sit beside the woman,

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and hold her hand.

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You deliver the happy news.

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Soon the two of you are
glorying in the mysteries

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of benign cysts and calcium
deposits that cloud up

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an X-ray like the Milky Way.

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Socorro, succor.

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Assistance in times of
distress, you think,

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peaceful as your own breasts are
being crushed between the metal

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hands of the mammogram machine.

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One day, Peter
returns from Brazil.

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'It's over,' you say.

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'What do you mean?'

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'I've had it up to here.

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Teaching Shakespeare
at a prep school.

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I've decided to volunteer
at Enlace Comunitario.

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They need some English as
a Second Language teachers.

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It's your turn to
get a day job, Peter.

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It's my turn to live my dream.

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'I'll look at the
classified ads tonight.

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Jeez, I thought you were
about to ask for a divorce.'

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'Don't exhale just yet.'

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'What?' 'No more Cory for short.

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It's Socorro.

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All my life I've--'

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Peter draws you into his arms.

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Cory, that dry shrub
of a name, floats away

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as Peter, with a kiss, draws out
the succulence of the name you

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had almost lost.

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After making love,
you walk with him

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around the corner to El Bandido.

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As always you order
water, agua, por favor,

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but this time, without
ice, sin hielo.

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Before, you had
only enough words

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to get halfway
across a situation,

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like a car stuck on
the railroad tracks.

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You were unable to cry
"help" in any language that

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might save you.

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A steaming Platter of shrimp
arrives at the table with

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tortillas de maíz
and pico de gallo.

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Across from you on the wall
hangs an Aztec calendar.

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You say to Peter, 'Here's
to my other ancestors.

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We'll study their language,
Nahuatl, together.'

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At last you have
discovered the opening

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in the fence that divides
Mexico from the United States,

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kin from kin, era from era.

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[? Tlen ? moyolo ?] What
does your heart say,

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your Aztec ancestors ask.

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The opening was there all along,
at the tip of your tongue."

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