WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:01.290 align:middle line:90% Well, that was very nice. 00:00:01.290 --> 00:00:03.090 align:middle line:90% Thank you. 00:00:03.090 --> 00:00:04.080 align:middle line:90% Hey, you guys. 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:05.160 align:middle line:90% I love Tucson so much. 00:00:05.160 --> 00:00:06.438 align:middle line:90% Tucson's my power animal. 00:00:06.438 --> 00:00:07.980 align:middle line:84% That's what somebody said to me today 00:00:07.980 --> 00:00:09.720 align:middle line:84% because I just keep calling my friends in San Francisco 00:00:09.720 --> 00:00:11.640 align:middle line:84% and talking about how much I love it here. 00:00:11.640 --> 00:00:14.250 align:middle line:84% And my best friend said, Tucson's your power animal. 00:00:14.250 --> 00:00:16.620 align:middle line:84% And I was like, that's it, exactly. 00:00:16.620 --> 00:00:18.575 align:middle line:84% The goodwill downtown is my power animal. 00:00:18.575 --> 00:00:19.950 align:middle line:84% I, like, don't know how I'm going 00:00:19.950 --> 00:00:21.450 align:middle line:84% to get on a plane tomorrow with all the shit 00:00:21.450 --> 00:00:22.700 align:middle line:90% that I bought at the Goodwill. 00:00:22.700 --> 00:00:25.905 align:middle line:84% So thank you so much to Gail and to Taylor and just 00:00:25.905 --> 00:00:27.780 align:middle line:84% to all the queers and the poets and the queer 00:00:27.780 --> 00:00:30.540 align:middle line:84% poets and everyone who helped bring me here. 00:00:30.540 --> 00:00:32.400 align:middle line:90% I'm so happy to be here. 00:00:32.400 --> 00:00:34.650 align:middle line:84% I'm dying to find a way to come here for a long time 00:00:34.650 --> 00:00:37.830 align:middle line:84% because it really is one of my favorite places in the world. 00:00:37.830 --> 00:00:38.490 align:middle line:90% Let me see. 00:00:38.490 --> 00:00:40.530 align:middle line:84% I'm going to read from this book that I finished 00:00:40.530 --> 00:00:42.720 align:middle line:84% and I basically dared my agent to try 00:00:42.720 --> 00:00:45.070 align:middle line:84% to find somebody to publish it because it's so crazy. 00:00:45.070 --> 00:00:47.340 align:middle line:84% It's almost 500 pages, and it's like half memoir, 00:00:47.340 --> 00:00:48.660 align:middle line:84% but then it's fiction and the world ends 00:00:48.660 --> 00:00:50.160 align:middle line:84% and I have an affair at Matt Dillon. 00:00:50.160 --> 00:00:51.900 align:middle line:84% And all this weird shit happens in it. 00:00:51.900 --> 00:00:54.442 align:middle line:84% And it's in the third person, so, you know, part of it's real 00:00:54.442 --> 00:00:56.890 align:middle line:90% and a lot of it's not. 00:00:56.890 --> 00:00:59.700 align:middle line:84% And I wrote it because I feel really compelled 00:00:59.700 --> 00:01:01.350 align:middle line:90% to keep telling my story. 00:01:01.350 --> 00:01:03.690 align:middle line:90% Sorry. 00:01:03.690 --> 00:01:05.990 align:middle line:84% But then I feel like filled with dread the thought 00:01:05.990 --> 00:01:07.240 align:middle line:90% of telling my story yet again. 00:01:07.240 --> 00:01:09.870 align:middle line:84% So I'm just kind of like doing it and not doing it. 00:01:09.870 --> 00:01:13.020 align:middle line:84% But I think this piece that I'm going to write-- 00:01:13.020 --> 00:01:16.980 align:middle line:84% read rather-- it takes place in San Francisco in the '90s when 00:01:16.980 --> 00:01:18.990 align:middle line:84% the Mission District in particular, which 00:01:18.990 --> 00:01:20.640 align:middle line:84% is where I've lived for a long time, 00:01:20.640 --> 00:01:23.640 align:middle line:84% was kind of beat up by the dot-com bubble. 00:01:23.640 --> 00:01:24.947 align:middle line:90% It was really a weird moment. 00:01:24.947 --> 00:01:27.030 align:middle line:84% And a lot of people are getting evicted and stuff. 00:01:27.030 --> 00:01:30.330 align:middle line:84% And so Michelle and her girlfriend who's like 00:01:30.330 --> 00:01:32.730 align:middle line:90% a feral teenager-- 00:01:32.730 --> 00:01:35.950 align:middle line:84% teenage slam poet, drug addict, that she thought 00:01:35.950 --> 00:01:37.500 align:middle line:84% would be a good idea to hook up with. 00:01:37.500 --> 00:01:39.000 align:middle line:84% They're going to move to Los Angeles 00:01:39.000 --> 00:01:40.042 align:middle line:90% is what they're thinking. 00:01:40.042 --> 00:01:42.660 align:middle line:84% So I think, and, you know, it's all about being a writer 00:01:42.660 --> 00:01:44.610 align:middle line:90% and being broke and crazy. 00:01:44.610 --> 00:01:46.530 align:middle line:90% So let's just go. 00:01:46.530 --> 00:01:48.300 align:middle line:84% "Michelle knew people in Los Angeles. 00:01:48.300 --> 00:01:49.800 align:middle line:90% Fabian had been evicted. 00:01:49.800 --> 00:01:52.650 align:middle line:84% Moved south and was now hooked up with some movie company. 00:01:52.650 --> 00:01:55.260 align:middle line:84% He had phoned Michelle and asked for a copy of her book. 00:01:55.260 --> 00:01:57.750 align:middle line:84% Michelle had sent it along without excitement. 00:01:57.750 --> 00:02:00.210 align:middle line:84% These things happen frequently to books-- 00:02:00.210 --> 00:02:02.520 align:middle line:84% possibility eddied around them endlessly. 00:02:02.520 --> 00:02:04.050 align:middle line:84% Michelle knew a couple of writers 00:02:04.050 --> 00:02:05.910 align:middle line:84% whose books had been optioned for film 00:02:05.910 --> 00:02:08.490 align:middle line:84% but no one whose books had been made into a film. 00:02:08.490 --> 00:02:11.370 align:middle line:84% Michelle and her ilk tended not to be the writers whose stories 00:02:11.370 --> 00:02:12.923 align:middle line:90% got enchanted into cinema. 00:02:12.923 --> 00:02:15.090 align:middle line:84% They were the writers who were publishing themselves 00:02:15.090 --> 00:02:18.780 align:middle line:84% on Xerox machines with stolen Kinko's cards not so long ago. 00:02:18.780 --> 00:02:21.510 align:middle line:84% They were the writers who, once properly published, 00:02:21.510 --> 00:02:24.750 align:middle line:84% invaded bookstores to truffle out the shop's sole copy 00:02:24.750 --> 00:02:26.910 align:middle line:84% and scrawl their autograph on the fly leaf 00:02:26.910 --> 00:02:28.350 align:middle line:90% with bleeding sharpies. 00:02:28.350 --> 00:02:30.420 align:middle line:84% They did this not so that a reader could 00:02:30.420 --> 00:02:32.220 align:middle line:84% have the delight of an autographed book, 00:02:32.220 --> 00:02:34.320 align:middle line:84% no one could be sure such readers existed. 00:02:34.320 --> 00:02:36.720 align:middle line:84% They did it to damage the book with their signature 00:02:36.720 --> 00:02:38.280 align:middle line:90% and render it unreturnable. 00:02:38.280 --> 00:02:40.350 align:middle line:84% Bookstores return books that don't sell, 00:02:40.350 --> 00:02:42.150 align:middle line:84% but not if someone draws on its pages-- 00:02:42.150 --> 00:02:43.838 align:middle line:90% even the author. 00:02:43.838 --> 00:02:45.630 align:middle line:84% Though having your book dazzled into a film 00:02:45.630 --> 00:02:49.140 align:middle line:84% was too much to hope for, Michelle and her writer friends 00:02:49.140 --> 00:02:51.750 align:middle line:84% yearned for a fruitless but profitable option. 00:02:51.750 --> 00:02:54.090 align:middle line:84% Sometimes a movie company bought up the film rights 00:02:54.090 --> 00:02:56.550 align:middle line:84% to bunches of books that they'd never in a million years 00:02:56.550 --> 00:02:59.340 align:middle line:84% make into movies just so that some other movie company didn't 00:02:59.340 --> 00:02:59.970 align:middle line:90% get it. 00:02:59.970 --> 00:03:02.040 align:middle line:84% They option the work and let it sit on a shelf, 00:03:02.040 --> 00:03:03.630 align:middle line:84% and the author got a check each year 00:03:03.630 --> 00:03:06.060 align:middle line:84% for the corporation's right to hold the book hostage. 00:03:06.060 --> 00:03:07.920 align:middle line:84% Sounded like a good deal to Michelle. 00:03:07.920 --> 00:03:10.710 align:middle line:84% The movie company would only ruin the book anyway. 00:03:10.710 --> 00:03:12.420 align:middle line:84% Michelle and her kin spoke proudly 00:03:12.420 --> 00:03:14.190 align:middle line:84% about how they would never let Hollywood 00:03:14.190 --> 00:03:17.580 align:middle line:84% turn their stories into watered-down homophobic films. 00:03:17.580 --> 00:03:19.350 align:middle line:84% The musicians among them chiming in 00:03:19.350 --> 00:03:21.090 align:middle line:84% that they too would never sell out, 00:03:21.090 --> 00:03:22.920 align:middle line:90% never signed to a major label. 00:03:22.920 --> 00:03:25.320 align:middle line:84% To feel the heat in these frenzied conversations, 00:03:25.320 --> 00:03:28.170 align:middle line:84% one would imagine success was beating down their doors, 00:03:28.170 --> 00:03:30.690 align:middle line:84% that Starbucks wanted to sponsor their next tour, 00:03:30.690 --> 00:03:32.310 align:middle line:84% that Julia Roberts was itching to play 00:03:32.310 --> 00:03:33.990 align:middle line:84% the part of a fucked up alcoholic baby 00:03:33.990 --> 00:03:36.720 align:middle line:90% dyke in her next movie. 00:03:36.720 --> 00:03:38.550 align:middle line:84% In actuality, no one really cared 00:03:38.550 --> 00:03:40.230 align:middle line:84% about the queer, low-rent creations 00:03:40.230 --> 00:03:41.760 align:middle line:84% of this group of artists residing 00:03:41.760 --> 00:03:44.710 align:middle line:84% in San Francisco at the dawn of the dot-com, that was OK 00:03:44.710 --> 00:03:46.710 align:middle line:84% because these artists didn't really fucking care 00:03:46.710 --> 00:03:48.780 align:middle line:84% about anyone outside their sphere anyway. 00:03:48.780 --> 00:03:51.120 align:middle line:84% They only wanted to continue and survive. 00:03:51.120 --> 00:03:52.590 align:middle line:84% Michelle dreamed of a corporation 00:03:52.590 --> 00:03:54.750 align:middle line:84% paying her $1,000 to ensure her book 00:03:54.750 --> 00:03:56.250 align:middle line:90% was never made into a movie. 00:03:56.250 --> 00:03:57.720 align:middle line:90% $1,000? 00:03:57.720 --> 00:04:01.110 align:middle line:84% Michelle had never been in the possession of $1,000. 00:04:01.110 --> 00:04:03.150 align:middle line:84% Fabian emailed her when Michelle's book 00:04:03.150 --> 00:04:04.500 align:middle line:90% arrived in the mail. 00:04:04.500 --> 00:04:05.370 align:middle line:90% Thanks, he typed. 00:04:05.370 --> 00:04:07.245 align:middle line:84% If you ever write a screenplay, let me know." 00:04:07.245 --> 00:04:09.570 align:middle line:84% Oh, my God, the desert is dry, you guys, hold on. 00:04:09.570 --> 00:04:11.278 align:middle line:84% I'm like, what is happening to my throat? 00:04:11.278 --> 00:04:13.580 align:middle line:90% 00:04:13.580 --> 00:04:16.238 align:middle line:90% I hate drinking water. 00:04:16.238 --> 00:04:18.140 align:middle line:90% It has no taste. 00:04:18.140 --> 00:04:18.680 align:middle line:90% OK. 00:04:18.680 --> 00:04:19.263 align:middle line:90% I like coffee. 00:04:19.263 --> 00:04:22.520 align:middle line:90% 00:04:22.520 --> 00:04:24.470 align:middle line:84% "If you ever write a screenplay, let me know. 00:04:24.470 --> 00:04:27.260 align:middle line:84% Michelle felt the dread of expectations hit her shoulders. 00:04:27.260 --> 00:04:28.850 align:middle line:84% Is that what she would have to do? 00:04:28.850 --> 00:04:31.250 align:middle line:84% She'd pulled herself from poetry to memoir in order 00:04:31.250 --> 00:04:33.360 align:middle line:84% to have more access to the world around her. 00:04:33.360 --> 00:04:35.090 align:middle line:84% Would she now have to write movies? 00:04:35.090 --> 00:04:37.760 align:middle line:84% It was a terrible thought, like needing to get a job. 00:04:37.760 --> 00:04:40.250 align:middle line:84% Michelle already had a job-- the bookstore. 00:04:40.250 --> 00:04:43.280 align:middle line:84% Writing was the antijob, the 'fuck you' to all jobs, 00:04:43.280 --> 00:04:47.270 align:middle line:84% her claim on her autonomy, what kept her free and feral. 00:04:47.270 --> 00:04:50.120 align:middle line:84% To hitch her liberation to a screenplay would be to kill it. 00:04:50.120 --> 00:04:53.540 align:middle line:84% She'd become an adult, a worker, a grown up, no longer a writer, 00:04:53.540 --> 00:04:54.560 align:middle line:90% not really. 00:04:54.560 --> 00:04:56.810 align:middle line:84% Screenplays followed prescribed arcs, 00:04:56.810 --> 00:04:59.150 align:middle line:84% adhered to formulas that forbid departure 00:04:59.150 --> 00:05:00.740 align:middle line:90% on the tangent of no return-- 00:05:00.740 --> 00:05:02.600 align:middle line:84% Michelle's favorite part of writing. 00:05:02.600 --> 00:05:05.090 align:middle line:84% Every tangent was a declaration of agency. 00:05:05.090 --> 00:05:07.650 align:middle line:84% I know I was going over there, but now I'm going over here. 00:05:07.650 --> 00:05:08.858 align:middle line:90% Don't be so uptight about it. 00:05:08.858 --> 00:05:09.920 align:middle line:90% Just come along. 00:05:09.920 --> 00:05:12.350 align:middle line:84% A tangent was a fuck up, was a teenage runaway. 00:05:12.350 --> 00:05:14.353 align:middle line:84% It was a road trip with a full tank of gas. 00:05:14.353 --> 00:05:16.520 align:middle line:84% You can't get lost if you don't have anywhere to be. 00:05:16.520 --> 00:05:20.300 align:middle line:84% This was writing for Michelle-- rule free, glorious, sprawling. 00:05:20.300 --> 00:05:22.370 align:middle line:84% Screenplays were the antithesis of this. 00:05:22.370 --> 00:05:24.470 align:middle line:84% And on the off-hand suggestion of an acquaintance, 00:05:24.470 --> 00:05:26.840 align:middle line:84% she was now felt a deep pressure to write one 00:05:26.840 --> 00:05:28.070 align:middle line:90% because she was poor. 00:05:28.070 --> 00:05:29.960 align:middle line:84% It wasn't her fault she was born into it, 00:05:29.960 --> 00:05:32.090 align:middle line:84% and it is famously hard to climb out of. 00:05:32.090 --> 00:05:34.130 align:middle line:84% But if there was an avenue available to her, 00:05:34.130 --> 00:05:36.140 align:middle line:84% even a crapshoot like writing a screenplay, 00:05:36.140 --> 00:05:38.150 align:middle line:84% and she didn't take it and she remained poor 00:05:38.150 --> 00:05:39.650 align:middle line:84% for the rest of her life, well, then 00:05:39.650 --> 00:05:42.050 align:middle line:84% it would be no one's fault but her own. 00:05:42.050 --> 00:05:45.050 align:middle line:84% Also in Los Angeles was Michelle's gay brother, Kyle. 00:05:45.050 --> 00:05:47.210 align:middle line:84% Like everyone, Michelle had a family, 00:05:47.210 --> 00:05:48.890 align:middle line:84% though she didn't talk about them much. 00:05:48.890 --> 00:05:50.630 align:middle line:84% She had written a little bit about them, 00:05:50.630 --> 00:05:52.830 align:middle line:84% and the people around her had read what was written. 00:05:52.830 --> 00:05:54.328 align:middle line:84% And then this weird thing happened. 00:05:54.328 --> 00:05:56.120 align:middle line:84% Michelle would be talking about her family, 00:05:56.120 --> 00:05:58.640 align:middle line:84% and someone would pipe up, yeah, I read that in your book. 00:05:58.640 --> 00:06:00.182 align:middle line:84% And Michelle would get such a tripped 00:06:00.182 --> 00:06:02.330 align:middle line:84% out post-modern feeling about it. 00:06:02.330 --> 00:06:04.850 align:middle line:84% It was disorienting and unpleasant. 00:06:04.850 --> 00:06:07.370 align:middle line:84% She thought it was poor form for the listener in that moment 00:06:07.370 --> 00:06:10.700 align:middle line:84% to morph from a person or friend into a reader or voyeur. 00:06:10.700 --> 00:06:12.380 align:middle line:84% It made Michelle feel caught, like she'd 00:06:12.380 --> 00:06:13.430 align:middle line:90% done something wrong. 00:06:13.430 --> 00:06:14.328 align:middle line:90% Perhaps she had. 00:06:14.328 --> 00:06:16.370 align:middle line:84% Perhaps it was too much to have written the book. 00:06:16.370 --> 00:06:18.050 align:middle line:90% Her mother certainly thought so. 00:06:18.050 --> 00:06:19.850 align:middle line:90% Barbara refused to read it. 00:06:19.850 --> 00:06:22.310 align:middle line:84% Instead, she would pull it off Kyle's bookshelf 00:06:22.310 --> 00:06:25.640 align:middle line:84% while visiting, scan a few passages about herself, 00:06:25.640 --> 00:06:27.450 align:middle line:90% and burst into tears. 00:06:27.450 --> 00:06:29.030 align:middle line:84% She makes me look so ugly, she said 00:06:29.030 --> 00:06:30.680 align:middle line:90% to her son, always smoking. 00:06:30.680 --> 00:06:32.372 align:middle line:84% But her mother was always smoking. 00:06:32.372 --> 00:06:33.830 align:middle line:84% Michelle felt that if people didn't 00:06:33.830 --> 00:06:35.180 align:middle line:84% like the way they looked in her book, then 00:06:35.180 --> 00:06:36.860 align:middle line:84% they should have behaved differently. 00:06:36.860 --> 00:06:39.290 align:middle line:84% Michelle never tried to make herself look awesome. 00:06:39.290 --> 00:06:40.940 align:middle line:84% Michelle strove to portray herself 00:06:40.940 --> 00:06:43.670 align:middle line:84% as the fickle, self-righteous martyr she was. 00:06:43.670 --> 00:06:45.920 align:middle line:84% If her mother thought chain-smoking was ugly behavior 00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:47.472 align:middle line:90% for a lady, she should quit. 00:06:47.472 --> 00:06:49.430 align:middle line:84% Michelle didn't feel great about this hardness, 00:06:49.430 --> 00:06:50.953 align:middle line:90% but she could see no other way. 00:06:50.953 --> 00:06:52.370 align:middle line:84% I thought she made you look noble, 00:06:52.370 --> 00:06:54.140 align:middle line:90% Kyle had comforted his parent. 00:06:54.140 --> 00:06:56.703 align:middle line:84% Like a hard worker, a really good worker. 00:06:56.703 --> 00:06:58.370 align:middle line:84% Michelle's mother was a nurse at a state 00:06:58.370 --> 00:06:59.870 align:middle line:90% hospital for the insane. 00:06:59.870 --> 00:07:02.540 align:middle line:84% This had really compromised Michelle's adolescent fantasy 00:07:02.540 --> 00:07:04.580 align:middle line:84% of being locked up in a sanitarium. 00:07:04.580 --> 00:07:07.460 align:middle line:84% Hers would not be the manicured lawns and curving mahogany 00:07:07.460 --> 00:07:09.770 align:middle line:84% staircases traversed by wealthy friends 00:07:09.770 --> 00:07:12.770 align:middle line:84% sent to McClain and Belmont, the prestigious asylum of Anne 00:07:12.770 --> 00:07:14.600 align:middle line:90% Sexton and Girl Interrupted. 00:07:14.600 --> 00:07:16.220 align:middle line:84% No, if Michelle lost her mind, it 00:07:16.220 --> 00:07:18.620 align:middle line:84% would be off to the state loony bin-- horrible places 00:07:18.620 --> 00:07:20.870 align:middle line:84% run by hardened New Englanders who looked down 00:07:20.870 --> 00:07:22.070 align:middle line:90% on the mentally weak. 00:07:22.070 --> 00:07:24.860 align:middle line:84% Get it together, she imagined a caretaker hissing, 00:07:24.860 --> 00:07:27.230 align:middle line:84% slamming Michelle's meds down on her tray. 00:07:27.230 --> 00:07:29.300 align:middle line:84% New Englanders were more bitter and resentful 00:07:29.300 --> 00:07:30.800 align:middle line:90% than people of other regions. 00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:32.690 align:middle line:84% They couldn't fake it like a Southerner. 00:07:32.690 --> 00:07:37.700 align:middle line:84% They couldn't make it passive aggressive like a Californian. 00:07:37.700 --> 00:07:39.620 align:middle line:84% What the fuck are you, local strangers 00:07:39.620 --> 00:07:42.350 align:middle line:84% would demand from teenaged Michelle on buses and trains, 00:07:42.350 --> 00:07:43.820 align:middle line:84% in restaurants and in the street. 00:07:43.820 --> 00:07:46.100 align:middle line:84% Her beauty ideal then was hair erupting 00:07:46.100 --> 00:07:47.840 align:middle line:84% in a mushroom cloud around her head, 00:07:47.840 --> 00:07:50.900 align:middle line:84% bangs obscuring her face like a veil, lips blackened 00:07:50.900 --> 00:07:52.760 align:middle line:84% with the gummy Elvira brand lipstick 00:07:52.760 --> 00:07:54.375 align:middle line:90% drugstores sold at Halloween. 00:07:54.375 --> 00:07:56.750 align:middle line:84% 'You think that looks good,' people she'd never met would 00:07:56.750 --> 00:07:57.560 align:middle line:90% challenge. 00:07:57.560 --> 00:08:00.020 align:middle line:84% It created a Michelle and her weirdo friends a condition 00:08:00.020 --> 00:08:02.000 align:middle line:90% she called punk rock paranoia. 00:08:02.000 --> 00:08:03.680 align:middle line:84% After a while, you began to think 00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:06.470 align:middle line:84% every cackle in a public place was aimed at you. 00:08:06.470 --> 00:08:08.660 align:middle line:84% If a stranger approached with, excuse me, 00:08:08.660 --> 00:08:11.438 align:middle line:84% you responded like you were ready to beat them with sticks. 00:08:11.438 --> 00:08:13.730 align:middle line:84% Michelle was so damaged from this that when she finally 00:08:13.730 --> 00:08:16.520 align:middle line:84% arrived in the safety of San Francisco and a kindly ex 00:08:16.520 --> 00:08:18.830 align:middle line:84% hippie looked at her hot pink ponytail and chirped, 00:08:18.830 --> 00:08:21.500 align:middle line:84% nice hair, Michelle turned on the woman with an instinctive, 00:08:21.500 --> 00:08:23.030 align:middle line:90% 'fuck you.' 00:08:23.030 --> 00:08:25.280 align:middle line:84% People had said 'nice hair' to Michelle all the time 00:08:25.280 --> 00:08:28.370 align:middle line:84% in Massachusetts, and never, not once, had anyone actually 00:08:28.370 --> 00:08:30.020 align:middle line:90% thought her hair was nice. 00:08:30.020 --> 00:08:32.390 align:middle line:84% The ex hippie looked like maybe no one had said fuck you 00:08:32.390 --> 00:08:34.850 align:middle line:90% to her in a very long time. 00:08:34.850 --> 00:08:38.432 align:middle line:84% She'd been in San Francisco for decades. 00:08:38.432 --> 00:08:39.890 align:middle line:84% Teenage Michelle knew that everyone 00:08:39.890 --> 00:08:41.580 align:middle line:84% at the state hospital-- the doctors, 00:08:41.580 --> 00:08:43.820 align:middle line:84% the nurses, the cooks and cleaners, the receptionist, 00:08:43.820 --> 00:08:46.155 align:middle line:84% the people who fix the broken machinery, all of them 00:08:46.155 --> 00:08:48.530 align:middle line:84% thought the patients were scamming the system like cuckoo 00:08:48.530 --> 00:08:51.110 align:middle line:84% welfare queens, faking schizophrenia so they wouldn't 00:08:51.110 --> 00:08:52.790 align:middle line:84% have to work a day job while they 00:08:52.790 --> 00:08:54.800 align:middle line:84% were working their asses off as butlers 00:08:54.800 --> 00:08:56.600 align:middle line:90% to the pathologically lazy. 00:08:56.600 --> 00:08:59.900 align:middle line:84% 'Crazy, huh,' the janitor would skeptically muse while mopping 00:08:59.900 --> 00:09:02.390 align:middle line:84% the linoleum peeling from the floor around Michelle's cot. 00:09:02.390 --> 00:09:03.380 align:middle line:90% 'Must be nice. 00:09:03.380 --> 00:09:05.870 align:middle line:84% You don't think I'd like to go a little crazy?' 00:09:05.870 --> 00:09:08.000 align:middle line:84% He'd wield bucket of gray water from the room, 00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:10.010 align:middle line:84% letting it slosh into a puddle for Michelle 00:09:10.010 --> 00:09:12.200 align:middle line:84% all doped up on psych meds to slip in. 00:09:12.200 --> 00:09:14.070 align:middle line:90% I can't afford to go crazy. 00:09:14.070 --> 00:09:16.070 align:middle line:84% Michelle's mother was a compassionate caretaker, 00:09:16.070 --> 00:09:18.020 align:middle line:84% but even she was forced to lampoon the inmates 00:09:18.020 --> 00:09:20.262 align:middle line:84% if only to preserve her own sanity. 00:09:20.262 --> 00:09:22.220 align:middle line:84% If Michelle were to give in to mental collapse, 00:09:22.220 --> 00:09:24.650 align:middle line:84% she wanted to be gently caught, fed well, and given 00:09:24.650 --> 00:09:26.960 align:middle line:90% restorative craft projects. 00:09:26.960 --> 00:09:30.110 align:middle line:84% Her wealthy punk friends got to silkscreen misfits T-shirts 00:09:30.110 --> 00:09:31.250 align:middle line:90% at MacLaine. 00:09:31.250 --> 00:09:33.350 align:middle line:84% At the state hospital, there was only a television 00:09:33.350 --> 00:09:36.140 align:middle line:84% bolted to the rec room wall, some board games with pieces, 00:09:36.140 --> 00:09:39.380 align:middle line:84% missing plastic furniture dotted with charred holes where 00:09:39.380 --> 00:09:41.600 align:middle line:84% patients nodded out on their meds while smoking. 00:09:41.600 --> 00:09:43.700 align:middle line:84% That room felt like the setting for a gang rape. 00:09:43.700 --> 00:09:46.190 align:middle line:84% Teenage Michelle kept it together. 00:09:46.190 --> 00:09:49.070 align:middle line:84% The people who'd read Michelle's book who knew about her family 00:09:49.070 --> 00:09:51.590 align:middle line:84% and interrupted to tell her so when she spoke of them, 00:09:51.590 --> 00:09:54.080 align:middle line:84% they clammed Michelle up in a hot embarrassment. 00:09:54.080 --> 00:09:56.300 align:middle line:84% They deprived her of that basic human pleasure-- 00:09:56.300 --> 00:09:57.860 align:middle line:90% telling your story to another. 00:09:57.860 --> 00:09:59.158 align:middle line:90% The shame she felt-- 00:09:59.158 --> 00:10:01.700 align:middle line:84% like when you were cheerfully sharing an anecdote and someone 00:10:01.700 --> 00:10:04.160 align:middle line:84% interrupts, yeah, you've already told us that story. 00:10:04.160 --> 00:10:05.450 align:middle line:90% You are repeating yourself. 00:10:05.450 --> 00:10:06.898 align:middle line:90% You cannot stop talking. 00:10:06.898 --> 00:10:09.440 align:middle line:84% You are so checked out that you cannot remember what you have 00:10:09.440 --> 00:10:10.250 align:middle line:90% said to whom. 00:10:10.250 --> 00:10:12.080 align:middle line:90% You are so self-involved. 00:10:12.080 --> 00:10:14.480 align:middle line:84% To hear a person say, yeah, I read that in your book, 00:10:14.480 --> 00:10:16.370 align:middle line:90% is this shame times 20. 00:10:16.370 --> 00:10:19.400 align:middle line:84% You so cannot stop talking that you actually wrote down 00:10:19.400 --> 00:10:22.190 align:middle line:84% your talk and then expected others to read it. 00:10:22.190 --> 00:10:24.680 align:middle line:84% And not even that will exercise your narratives. 00:10:24.680 --> 00:10:27.050 align:middle line:84% You will, in fact, continue to talk and talk 00:10:27.050 --> 00:10:29.630 align:middle line:84% expecting us to pretend we don't know the story, which 00:10:29.630 --> 00:10:33.110 align:middle line:84% you have performed into actual microphones in public places. 00:10:33.110 --> 00:10:35.060 align:middle line:84% Guess what, Michelle, we know your mother 00:10:35.060 --> 00:10:38.300 align:middle line:84% is a chain smoking psych nurse, everyone does. 00:10:38.300 --> 00:10:40.670 align:middle line:84% Michelle didn't know how to rectify the situation. 00:10:40.670 --> 00:10:42.980 align:middle line:84% She supposed it was simply a consequence of her writing 00:10:42.980 --> 00:10:44.480 align:middle line:84% and she would have to man up to it, 00:10:44.480 --> 00:10:46.100 align:middle line:84% so she talked little of her family. 00:10:46.100 --> 00:10:47.240 align:middle line:90% But she had one. 00:10:47.240 --> 00:10:49.970 align:middle line:84% Her mother, the underlying caretaker of the crazy. 00:10:49.970 --> 00:10:52.688 align:middle line:84% Barbara could have gone back to school and upgraded her degree, 00:10:52.688 --> 00:10:54.980 align:middle line:84% but she preferred to stay where she was and judge those 00:10:54.980 --> 00:10:56.360 align:middle line:90% with more success than her. 00:10:56.360 --> 00:10:57.920 align:middle line:90% Michelle was just like her. 00:10:57.920 --> 00:11:00.050 align:middle line:84% They both enjoyed scorning those who had taken 00:11:00.050 --> 00:11:01.800 align:middle line:90% steps to better their lives. 00:11:01.800 --> 00:11:04.280 align:middle line:84% Her mother felt like she was too old to go back to school. 00:11:04.280 --> 00:11:05.390 align:middle line:90% Michelle understood. 00:11:05.390 --> 00:11:08.510 align:middle line:84% At 27, she was also too aged to attempt college-- 00:11:08.510 --> 00:11:11.330 align:middle line:84% to aged, too proud, to broken, to hapless. 00:11:11.330 --> 00:11:13.640 align:middle line:84% They had selected their paths, Michelle and Barbara, 00:11:13.640 --> 00:11:16.098 align:middle line:84% and there was nothing to do but continue the trudge forward 00:11:16.098 --> 00:11:17.750 align:middle line:90% and see what happened. 00:11:17.750 --> 00:11:20.270 align:middle line:84% After her husband, Michelle's father, left her, 00:11:20.270 --> 00:11:21.800 align:middle line:90% Barbara decided men sucked. 00:11:21.800 --> 00:11:23.780 align:middle line:84% Michelle totally dug this about her mother. 00:11:23.780 --> 00:11:25.310 align:middle line:90% Michelle thought men sucked too. 00:11:25.310 --> 00:11:27.500 align:middle line:84% She urged her mother toward lesbianism, 00:11:27.500 --> 00:11:28.880 align:middle line:90% but it grossed Barbara out. 00:11:28.880 --> 00:11:30.338 align:middle line:84% I don't want to touch my own thing, 00:11:30.338 --> 00:11:32.390 align:middle line:84% you think I want to touch some woman's? 00:11:32.390 --> 00:11:35.120 align:middle line:84% Michelle urged her mother towards second-wave feminism, 00:11:35.120 --> 00:11:36.830 align:middle line:90% towards basic masturbation. 00:11:36.830 --> 00:11:38.630 align:middle line:90% She asked if she had a vibrator. 00:11:38.630 --> 00:11:41.397 align:middle line:84% The conversation was creepy-- a sort of reverse incest 00:11:41.397 --> 00:11:43.730 align:middle line:84% that left Michelle feeling like she'd been inappropriate 00:11:43.730 --> 00:11:47.420 align:middle line:84% with her mom, had scarred her with questions. 00:11:47.420 --> 00:11:49.430 align:middle line:84% Now, the woman would never be able to masturbate 00:11:49.430 --> 00:11:51.722 align:middle line:84% without thinking about her daughter wielding a vibrator 00:11:51.722 --> 00:11:54.650 align:middle line:90% and interrogating her fantasies. 00:11:54.650 --> 00:11:57.200 align:middle line:84% Michelle had her mother, a father-- that shipwreck-- 00:11:57.200 --> 00:12:00.050 align:middle line:84% and a brother who looked just like the father, only gay. 00:12:00.050 --> 00:12:02.582 align:middle line:84% Thank God you're a gay, the mother had once sighed. 00:12:02.582 --> 00:12:04.790 align:middle line:84% You look so much like your father it almost kills me. 00:12:04.790 --> 00:12:08.090 align:middle line:84% But you look so gay, it breaks it up a little. 00:12:08.090 --> 00:12:09.290 align:middle line:90% Kyle did look gay. 00:12:09.290 --> 00:12:12.230 align:middle line:84% He was tinier than Michelle, with impressive compact muscles 00:12:12.230 --> 00:12:14.210 align:middle line:84% he did absolutely nothing to earn. 00:12:14.210 --> 00:12:16.790 align:middle line:84% Living in Los Angeles, Kyle spent most of his days 00:12:16.790 --> 00:12:19.610 align:middle line:84% on his ass in his car eating Popeye's and Burger King. 00:12:19.610 --> 00:12:21.890 align:middle line:84% The SoCal sun had blonded his hair, which he 00:12:21.890 --> 00:12:23.750 align:middle line:90% kept in a stylish gay haircut. 00:12:23.750 --> 00:12:25.970 align:middle line:84% His clothes were skin-tight, and he swished. 00:12:25.970 --> 00:12:28.670 align:middle line:84% He had that excellent and scary gay boy humor-- 00:12:28.670 --> 00:12:31.370 align:middle line:84% a sharp searing wit, honed in the busted part of New England 00:12:31.370 --> 00:12:32.390 align:middle line:90% they'd grown up in. 00:12:32.390 --> 00:12:33.980 align:middle line:90% He'd gotten fucked with a lot. 00:12:33.980 --> 00:12:36.230 align:middle line:84% The same boys who messed with him in the street, later 00:12:36.230 --> 00:12:39.260 align:middle line:84% sought out complicated scenarios in which blowjobs could occur. 00:12:39.260 --> 00:12:42.830 align:middle line:84% It had germinated in Kyle a love for rough trade for macho 00:12:42.830 --> 00:12:45.800 align:middle line:84% vicarious straight dudes, self-loathing faggoty thugs, 00:12:45.800 --> 00:12:47.660 align:middle line:90% and Craigslist DL hookups. 00:12:47.660 --> 00:12:49.160 align:middle line:84% Michelle had the equivalent tastes-- 00:12:49.160 --> 00:12:51.680 align:middle line:84% morphed to fit her particular lesbian lifestyle. 00:12:51.680 --> 00:12:53.300 align:middle line:84% Kyle would totally understand why 00:12:53.300 --> 00:12:54.830 align:middle line:84% she was with Persephone-- keeping 00:12:54.830 --> 00:12:58.100 align:middle line:84% the moody teen the way one keeps an illegal leopard or ocelot. 00:12:58.100 --> 00:13:01.100 align:middle line:84% It was a fuck of a lot of work and you got scratched and bit, 00:13:01.100 --> 00:13:02.640 align:middle line:84% but, oh, the animal was gorgeous. 00:13:02.640 --> 00:13:03.500 align:middle line:90% And it was yours. 00:13:03.500 --> 00:13:04.490 align:middle line:90% How unusual. 00:13:04.490 --> 00:13:07.760 align:middle line:84% How special you must be to domesticate such a creature 00:13:07.760 --> 00:13:10.370 align:middle line:90% even just a little. 00:13:10.370 --> 00:13:12.343 align:middle line:84% It would be sweet to be close to Kyle again. 00:13:12.343 --> 00:13:14.510 align:middle line:84% Of course, she would have to hide her drug use, even 00:13:14.510 --> 00:13:15.530 align:middle line:90% some of her drinking. 00:13:15.530 --> 00:13:17.030 align:middle line:84% Her brother was bizarrely innocent 00:13:17.030 --> 00:13:18.740 align:middle line:90% about such things for a gay man. 00:13:18.740 --> 00:13:20.898 align:middle line:84% But Michelle was thinking that, in Los Angeles, 00:13:20.898 --> 00:13:22.940 align:middle line:84% she and Persephone would lay off the drugs a bit. 00:13:22.940 --> 00:13:24.710 align:middle line:84% The drinking would also slow down. 00:13:24.710 --> 00:13:27.440 align:middle line:84% They would become healthier away from mossy, soggy San 00:13:27.440 --> 00:13:28.340 align:middle line:90% Francisco. 00:13:28.340 --> 00:13:30.230 align:middle line:90% Kyle hated San Francisco. 00:13:30.230 --> 00:13:32.810 align:middle line:84% He thought the gays there had no ambition-- wanted only 00:13:32.810 --> 00:13:36.170 align:middle line:84% to fall into some infantile orgy of suckling and self-obsession, 00:13:36.170 --> 00:13:38.510 align:middle line:84% constantly trolling for hookups and making a big rainbow 00:13:38.510 --> 00:13:40.040 align:middle line:90% deal about how gay they were. 00:13:40.040 --> 00:13:42.830 align:middle line:84% In Los Angeles, Kyle was out because he couldn't not be. 00:13:42.830 --> 00:13:43.880 align:middle line:90% He was such a sissy. 00:13:43.880 --> 00:13:45.110 align:middle line:90% But it was no big whoop. 00:13:45.110 --> 00:13:47.570 align:middle line:84% Faggot wasn't the car he drove through his days in. 00:13:47.570 --> 00:13:49.490 align:middle line:84% San Francisco was so retro like that. 00:13:49.490 --> 00:13:50.900 align:middle line:90% Kyle was postgay. 00:13:50.900 --> 00:13:53.960 align:middle line:84% He was an assistant to one of the most powerful casting 00:13:53.960 --> 00:13:56.990 align:middle line:84% directors in Hollywood-- a psychotically crazy bitch. 00:13:56.990 --> 00:13:58.580 align:middle line:90% It was Kyle's dream job. 00:13:58.580 --> 00:14:01.220 align:middle line:84% He felt like Joan Crawford's personal assistant. 00:14:01.220 --> 00:14:04.340 align:middle line:84% When his boss hurled an ashtray at his general direction, 00:14:04.340 --> 00:14:07.430 align:middle line:84% he let it smash upon the wall, raised a waxed eyebrow, 00:14:07.430 --> 00:14:09.650 align:middle line:84% and made a brilliant deadpan comment. 00:14:09.650 --> 00:14:11.480 align:middle line:84% Kyle felt his purpose in life was 00:14:11.480 --> 00:14:14.480 align:middle line:84% to be witty, to perform capably with flair and style 00:14:14.480 --> 00:14:16.550 align:middle line:84% like a secretary in a '50s movie, 00:14:16.550 --> 00:14:18.110 align:middle line:84% to be the secret backbone of the more 00:14:18.110 --> 00:14:20.210 align:middle line:84% accomplished yet unstable figurehead 00:14:20.210 --> 00:14:23.030 align:middle line:84% privy to the private breakdowns, the one handy with a glass 00:14:23.030 --> 00:14:26.150 align:middle line:84% of scotch who offers support and a touch of tough love, 00:14:26.150 --> 00:14:28.520 align:middle line:84% the one, Kyle hoped, to inherit the business, 00:14:28.520 --> 00:14:30.400 align:middle line:84% to maybe feature prominently in the will 00:14:30.400 --> 00:14:32.900 align:middle line:84% when the woman keeled over young from a stress-induced heart 00:14:32.900 --> 00:14:34.370 align:middle line:90% attack. 00:14:34.370 --> 00:14:36.080 align:middle line:84% Both Fabian and Kyle had suggested 00:14:36.080 --> 00:14:39.020 align:middle line:84% Michelle move to Los Angeles and write a television pilot. 00:14:39.020 --> 00:14:40.400 align:middle line:90% But Michelle had resisted. 00:14:40.400 --> 00:14:42.680 align:middle line:84% She did not want to write television pilots. 00:14:42.680 --> 00:14:44.360 align:middle line:84% She wanted to write another memoir-- 00:14:44.360 --> 00:14:46.310 align:middle line:84% something that was feeling harder to do. 00:14:46.310 --> 00:14:48.050 align:middle line:84% At 30, Michelle had already covered 00:14:48.050 --> 00:14:49.820 align:middle line:84% the bulk of her childhood into her 20s 00:14:49.820 --> 00:14:51.530 align:middle line:90% in her one published book. 00:14:51.530 --> 00:14:54.218 align:middle line:84% On Andy Warhol--" Andy Warhol is her ex-girlfriend 00:14:54.218 --> 00:14:56.510 align:middle line:84% whose name was Andy so everyone called her Andy Warhol. 00:14:56.510 --> 00:14:57.830 align:middle line:90% It's not really Andy Warhol. 00:14:57.830 --> 00:14:59.600 align:middle line:84% OK, I forgot that she popped up in here. 00:14:59.600 --> 00:15:01.850 align:middle line:84% "On Andy Warhol's last harassing visit, 00:15:01.850 --> 00:15:03.633 align:middle line:84% pulling away in her fabulous car she, 00:15:03.633 --> 00:15:06.050 align:middle line:84% had hollered out the window, you better not write anything 00:15:06.050 --> 00:15:06.800 align:middle line:90% about me. 00:15:06.800 --> 00:15:08.840 align:middle line:90% So that material was forbidden. 00:15:08.840 --> 00:15:10.785 align:middle line:84% Persephone had seemed a promising subject, 00:15:10.785 --> 00:15:12.410 align:middle line:84% claiming to love the idea of turning up 00:15:12.410 --> 00:15:15.830 align:middle line:84% in Michelle's stories, even as a villain, an antagonist, a foil. 00:15:15.830 --> 00:15:16.910 align:middle line:90% Persephone didn't care. 00:15:16.910 --> 00:15:19.670 align:middle line:84% She loved attention, loved the thought of being written about. 00:15:19.670 --> 00:15:21.112 align:middle line:90% Well, that didn't last long. 00:15:21.112 --> 00:15:23.570 align:middle line:84% When Michelle had written a single vignette about her lover 00:15:23.570 --> 00:15:25.460 align:middle line:84% and read it aloud in a bar, Persephone 00:15:25.460 --> 00:15:28.400 align:middle line:84% had found the experience much different than she expected. 00:15:28.400 --> 00:15:31.640 align:middle line:84% Michelle's characterizing of her as a girl for starters-- 00:15:31.640 --> 00:15:34.070 align:middle line:84% the girlness, sheing, the talk of her body-- 00:15:34.070 --> 00:15:35.540 align:middle line:84% tits Persephone never thought about 00:15:35.540 --> 00:15:37.430 align:middle line:84% seemed to hold a surprising weight in her girlfriend's 00:15:37.430 --> 00:15:38.150 align:middle line:90% mind. 00:15:38.150 --> 00:15:40.790 align:middle line:84% Michelle's story felt, um, emasculating. 00:15:40.790 --> 00:15:42.300 align:middle line:90% Persephone changed her mind. 00:15:42.300 --> 00:15:44.300 align:middle line:84% I don't want you writing about me, she declared. 00:15:44.300 --> 00:15:45.680 align:middle line:90% What could Michelle do? 00:15:45.680 --> 00:15:48.170 align:middle line:84% It is one thing to go against her mother's wishes, that 00:15:48.170 --> 00:15:51.050 align:middle line:84% is any daughter's job, not to mention a writer daughter. 00:15:51.050 --> 00:15:52.820 align:middle line:90% But she lived with Persephone. 00:15:52.820 --> 00:15:53.750 align:middle line:90% Persephone fucked her. 00:15:53.750 --> 00:15:55.070 align:middle line:90% She loved Persephone. 00:15:55.070 --> 00:15:56.960 align:middle line:84% Their life together was hard enough already 00:15:56.960 --> 00:15:59.360 align:middle line:84% without Michelle bringing in additional conflict. 00:15:59.360 --> 00:16:01.610 align:middle line:84% And so she promised she would not write about her. 00:16:01.610 --> 00:16:03.320 align:middle line:84% It was probably for the best anyway. 00:16:03.320 --> 00:16:05.750 align:middle line:84% How many books could she write about her own life? 00:16:05.750 --> 00:16:06.950 align:middle line:90% It was embarrassing. 00:16:06.950 --> 00:16:08.420 align:middle line:90% She would write something else-- 00:16:08.420 --> 00:16:11.518 align:middle line:84% maybe a television pilot or a screenplay. 00:16:11.518 --> 00:16:13.310 align:middle line:84% Kyle was thrilled that Michelle was finally 00:16:13.310 --> 00:16:16.460 align:middle line:84% considering a move to Los Angeles, teenage lover in tow. 00:16:16.460 --> 00:16:18.560 align:middle line:84% In two phone calls, he secured for the couple 00:16:18.560 --> 00:16:20.180 align:middle line:90% a studio apartment in Hollywood. 00:16:20.180 --> 00:16:21.938 align:middle line:90% The studio was $400. 00:16:21.938 --> 00:16:24.230 align:middle line:84% What are you going to hang out in San Francisco forever 00:16:24.230 --> 00:16:26.180 align:middle line:84% waiting to get evicted, Kyle demanded. 00:16:26.180 --> 00:16:28.590 align:middle line:90% $400 was twice Michelle's rent. 00:16:28.590 --> 00:16:30.980 align:middle line:84% And she was actually in no danger of being evicted. 00:16:30.980 --> 00:16:33.800 align:middle line:84% Her landlord lived right downstairs-- a sad widower 00:16:33.800 --> 00:16:36.260 align:middle line:84% named Clovis who gave her flat platters of cookies 00:16:36.260 --> 00:16:37.220 align:middle line:90% at Christmas. 00:16:37.220 --> 00:16:40.040 align:middle line:84% The second story apartment had been passed from fuck up queer 00:16:40.040 --> 00:16:42.350 align:middle line:84% to fuck up queer since before Michelle had ever 00:16:42.350 --> 00:16:43.910 align:middle line:90% lived in San Francisco. 00:16:43.910 --> 00:16:46.370 align:middle line:84% The band Tri Beta had their first practice session 00:16:46.370 --> 00:16:47.930 align:middle line:90% in her roommate's bedroom. 00:16:47.930 --> 00:16:51.350 align:middle line:84% It was a haven for lunatic lesbians, man-hating criminals 00:16:51.350 --> 00:16:54.440 align:middle line:84% and their scams faking insanity to get on SSI, 00:16:54.440 --> 00:16:56.420 align:middle line:84% lying about stolen traveler's checks, 00:16:56.420 --> 00:16:58.398 align:middle line:84% pulling expensive appliances from chain stores 00:16:58.398 --> 00:17:00.440 align:middle line:84% and walking them straight to the customer service 00:17:00.440 --> 00:17:02.017 align:middle line:90% desk for a cash money return." 00:17:02.017 --> 00:17:02.725 align:middle line:90% Do you know this? 00:17:02.725 --> 00:17:04.720 align:middle line:84% They're just like, they just took this off the shelf, 00:17:04.720 --> 00:17:06.530 align:middle line:84% then you walk over, you're like, I need to return this phone. 00:17:06.530 --> 00:17:08.270 align:middle line:84% Like you never paid for the phone. 00:17:08.270 --> 00:17:09.020 align:middle line:90% And they give you the money. 00:17:09.020 --> 00:17:10.145 align:middle line:90% They don't do that anymore. 00:17:10.145 --> 00:17:11.748 align:middle line:90% This was the '90s. 00:17:11.748 --> 00:17:12.290 align:middle line:90% Don't try it. 00:17:12.290 --> 00:17:14.270 align:middle line:90% You'll get busted. 00:17:14.270 --> 00:17:15.950 align:middle line:84% "Girls pooled lists of ex-boyfriends 00:17:15.950 --> 00:17:18.680 align:middle line:84% and hustled them out of money for non-existent abortions. 00:17:18.680 --> 00:17:20.300 align:middle line:84% Michelle's home had such history. 00:17:20.300 --> 00:17:22.460 align:middle line:84% It was like the Dillinger gang had hit out there. 00:17:22.460 --> 00:17:24.680 align:middle line:84% A lesbian porn had been shot in the bathroom. 00:17:24.680 --> 00:17:27.230 align:middle line:84% A famous lesbian hooker who'd been in a documentary had once 00:17:27.230 --> 00:17:30.020 align:middle line:84% lived in her bedroom, had nailed hardware into the floorboards 00:17:30.020 --> 00:17:31.430 align:middle line:90% to tie down her lovers. 00:17:31.430 --> 00:17:32.970 align:middle line:90% Michelle loved her bedroom. 00:17:32.970 --> 00:17:35.900 align:middle line:84% The floors were blue, and the wall behind her lousy futon 00:17:35.900 --> 00:17:38.507 align:middle line:84% was blue also and stuck with chunky glitter. 00:17:38.507 --> 00:17:40.090 align:middle line:84% Three windows looked out on the street 00:17:40.090 --> 00:17:43.270 align:middle line:84% below, where a stolen car ring operated out of a garage. 00:17:43.270 --> 00:17:45.130 align:middle line:84% The dismantled alarms wailed all night. 00:17:45.130 --> 00:17:46.480 align:middle line:90% Michelle was used to it. 00:17:46.480 --> 00:17:48.940 align:middle line:84% Gauzy thrift store curtains hung in the windows, tied back 00:17:48.940 --> 00:17:50.320 align:middle line:90% with ribbons of mylar. 00:17:50.320 --> 00:17:52.540 align:middle line:84% In the center window, dangled a giant bullhorn 00:17:52.540 --> 00:17:54.070 align:middle line:84% mounted on a rotting piece of wood. 00:17:54.070 --> 00:17:56.320 align:middle line:84% Michelle had found it in the street-- the source of so 00:17:56.320 --> 00:17:58.510 align:middle line:90% many unexpected treasures. 00:17:58.510 --> 00:18:01.000 align:middle line:84% The ocean of poverty pulled many gifts to shore. 00:18:01.000 --> 00:18:03.400 align:middle line:84% Stolen luggage was often gutted on the sidewalk, 00:18:03.400 --> 00:18:05.650 align:middle line:84% and Michelle was not above rummaging its contents. 00:18:05.650 --> 00:18:08.620 align:middle line:84% She found velvety platform shoes, satiny gowns-- 00:18:08.620 --> 00:18:09.580 align:middle line:90% chipped knickknacks. 00:18:09.580 --> 00:18:11.080 align:middle line:84% It was OK that she didn't have money 00:18:11.080 --> 00:18:13.090 align:middle line:84% to shop ever because the streets provided her 00:18:13.090 --> 00:18:15.190 align:middle line:84% with such hunter-gatherer thrill. 00:18:15.190 --> 00:18:16.750 align:middle line:84% Michelle had loved her room so long, 00:18:16.750 --> 00:18:18.820 align:middle line:84% had lived inside at seven years, and now 00:18:18.820 --> 00:18:20.890 align:middle line:84% could feel herself being pushed out from it. 00:18:20.890 --> 00:18:22.353 align:middle line:90% It wasn't the economy. 00:18:22.353 --> 00:18:24.520 align:middle line:84% Clovis had promised them he would not raise the rent 00:18:24.520 --> 00:18:26.410 align:middle line:84% and had no intention to sell the house. 00:18:26.410 --> 00:18:28.540 align:middle line:84% The landlord spent his lonely nights singing 00:18:28.540 --> 00:18:32.110 align:middle line:84% on his personal karaoke machine in the flat downstairs." 00:18:32.110 --> 00:18:34.110 align:middle line:90% I know, right? 00:18:34.110 --> 00:18:37.020 align:middle line:84% "The sound of him singing Sammy Davis Jr., his voice floating 00:18:37.020 --> 00:18:39.330 align:middle line:84% up through the floorboards broke everyone's heart. 00:18:39.330 --> 00:18:42.150 align:middle line:84% Everyone in the punk house loved their landlord. 00:18:42.150 --> 00:18:44.340 align:middle line:84% It was OK that the shower, a metal closet, 00:18:44.340 --> 00:18:46.290 align:middle line:84% was rusting through the bottom, surely 00:18:46.290 --> 00:18:49.380 align:middle line:84% harboring gangrene, and soaking the house in soggy rot. 00:18:49.380 --> 00:18:51.090 align:middle line:84% Surely Clovis's downstairs apartment 00:18:51.090 --> 00:18:52.245 align:middle line:90% was in no better shape. 00:18:52.245 --> 00:18:54.120 align:middle line:84% If he had the money, he'd fixed their shower. 00:18:54.120 --> 00:18:56.070 align:middle line:84% But to get the money, he would have to raise their rent. 00:18:56.070 --> 00:18:58.020 align:middle line:84% And so they put a milk crate in the shower 00:18:58.020 --> 00:19:00.570 align:middle line:84% to stand above the jagged rust and wore flip-flops 00:19:00.570 --> 00:19:02.718 align:middle line:90% while they bathed just in case. 00:19:02.718 --> 00:19:05.010 align:middle line:84% When the word got out that Michelle and Persephone were 00:19:05.010 --> 00:19:07.380 align:middle line:84% moving, everyone assumed they were getting evicted. 00:19:07.380 --> 00:19:08.910 align:middle line:84% When she told them that she was not, 00:19:08.910 --> 00:19:11.070 align:middle line:84% she was just vacating her $200-a-month room 00:19:11.070 --> 00:19:13.860 align:middle line:84% in the mission by choice, everyone was baffled. 00:19:13.860 --> 00:19:15.840 align:middle line:84% Why would anyone do such a thing, 00:19:15.840 --> 00:19:18.270 align:middle line:84% to move to Los Angeles, that shit hole? 00:19:18.270 --> 00:19:21.810 align:middle line:84% Hers was surely the last room in town renting for under $800. 00:19:21.810 --> 00:19:23.880 align:middle line:84% Once she left the bay, you could never come back. 00:19:23.880 --> 00:19:25.148 align:middle line:90% She could never afford it. 00:19:25.148 --> 00:19:26.190 align:middle line:90% She was evicting herself. 00:19:26.190 --> 00:19:27.310 align:middle line:90% It was crazy. 00:19:27.310 --> 00:19:29.940 align:middle line:84% But the city had bad vibes, and they'd infected her. 00:19:29.940 --> 00:19:32.370 align:middle line:84% Michelle hardly ever saw the sun anymore-- sleeping 00:19:32.370 --> 00:19:34.575 align:middle line:84% until her evening shift at the bookstore loomed. 00:19:34.575 --> 00:19:36.450 align:middle line:84% Her boss had asked her if she had lost weight 00:19:36.450 --> 00:19:38.580 align:middle line:84% or if she had just started to wear tighter clothes. 00:19:38.580 --> 00:19:39.990 align:middle line:90% The answer was both. 00:19:39.990 --> 00:19:42.330 align:middle line:84% Michelle was beginning to look like a Ramone. 00:19:42.330 --> 00:19:45.870 align:middle line:84% At night, she began to dream that her room was haunted 00:19:45.870 --> 00:19:47.560 align:middle line:90% and the spirits wanted her dead. 00:19:47.560 --> 00:19:49.930 align:middle line:84% She had gone as far as she could go in San Francisco. 00:19:49.930 --> 00:19:52.665 align:middle line:84% She would move to Los Angeles and write screenplays." 00:19:52.665 --> 00:19:54.137 align:middle line:90% So that's that part. 00:19:54.137 --> 00:19:55.470 align:middle line:90% OK, I've got a few more minutes. 00:19:55.470 --> 00:19:57.600 align:middle line:84% I'll read this other little part too Thanks dudes. 00:19:57.600 --> 00:20:02.383 align:middle line:90% 00:20:02.383 --> 00:20:03.800 align:middle line:84% Just to share everything with you, 00:20:03.800 --> 00:20:05.960 align:middle line:84% as you can tell I enjoy doing, I'm, 00:20:05.960 --> 00:20:08.160 align:middle line:84% like, I just got contact lenses like a month ago. 00:20:08.160 --> 00:20:09.320 align:middle line:84% And so the novelty hasn't worn off. 00:20:09.320 --> 00:20:11.737 align:middle line:84% I've been wearing glasses since I was like five years old. 00:20:11.737 --> 00:20:13.943 align:middle line:84% And they keep giving me new trial sets, 00:20:13.943 --> 00:20:16.610 align:middle line:84% and this set I got just before I came here, and they don't work. 00:20:16.610 --> 00:20:17.485 align:middle line:90% I can't see anything. 00:20:17.485 --> 00:20:19.110 align:middle line:84% But I'm wearing them anyway because I'm 00:20:19.110 --> 00:20:21.710 align:middle line:84% so vain and excited to not wear glasses, so it's really funny. 00:20:21.710 --> 00:20:24.127 align:middle line:84% I should just not wear anything, and it would be the same. 00:20:24.127 --> 00:20:26.480 align:middle line:84% But, instead, I have contacts in and I'm blind. 00:20:26.480 --> 00:20:27.950 align:middle line:90% All right, I know. 00:20:27.950 --> 00:20:29.030 align:middle line:90% It's crazy. 00:20:29.030 --> 00:20:32.690 align:middle line:84% So I think this is the morning after Michelle and Persephone's 00:20:32.690 --> 00:20:33.740 align:middle line:90% going away party. 00:20:33.740 --> 00:20:35.360 align:middle line:90% So they're going to move to LA. 00:20:35.360 --> 00:20:38.390 align:middle line:84% And, you know, they're kind of-- they both have drug problems. 00:20:38.390 --> 00:20:42.170 align:middle line:84% And they had had this crazy party where, like, everyone was 00:20:42.170 --> 00:20:43.700 align:middle line:90% getting kind of debaucherous. 00:20:43.700 --> 00:20:45.818 align:middle line:84% I don't know if you guys ever left a town, 00:20:45.818 --> 00:20:47.360 align:middle line:84% and it's like, that night that you're 00:20:47.360 --> 00:20:49.550 align:middle line:84% leaving town, anyone that's ever wanted to make out with you 00:20:49.550 --> 00:20:50.740 align:middle line:90% gets drunk and emboldened. 00:20:50.740 --> 00:20:51.740 align:middle line:90% And so it was like that. 00:20:51.740 --> 00:20:53.660 align:middle line:84% Like it all these sex vibes floating around. 00:20:53.660 --> 00:20:57.470 align:middle line:84% And Michelle kind of like did cocaine and then crashed 00:20:57.470 --> 00:20:59.450 align:middle line:84% and then just became suicidal and freaked out 00:20:59.450 --> 00:21:01.010 align:middle line:84% because her girlfriend was flirting 00:21:01.010 --> 00:21:03.153 align:middle line:84% with this stripper named Laureen I think 00:21:03.153 --> 00:21:04.320 align:middle line:90% that's all you need to know. 00:21:04.320 --> 00:21:05.780 align:middle line:90% And then she acted crazy-- 00:21:05.780 --> 00:21:08.630 align:middle line:90% like, totally was a crazy bitch. 00:21:08.630 --> 00:21:10.040 align:middle line:90% And they had a big fight. 00:21:10.040 --> 00:21:12.440 align:middle line:84% And then her best friend Ziggy ended up 00:21:12.440 --> 00:21:14.090 align:middle line:90% hooking up with Laureen. 00:21:14.090 --> 00:21:15.538 align:middle line:90% Michelle hates [Laureen. 00:21:15.538 --> 00:21:17.330 align:middle line:84% All right, this is the morning that they're 00:21:17.330 --> 00:21:20.490 align:middle line:90% moving to LA with Ziggy-- 00:21:20.490 --> 00:21:21.780 align:middle line:90% is driving them. 00:21:21.780 --> 00:21:24.300 align:middle line:84% "Michelle woke in the morning to the noises of Ziggy hip 00:21:24.300 --> 00:21:25.980 align:middle line:90% checking the bedroom door open. 00:21:25.980 --> 00:21:28.110 align:middle line:84% Layers of paint kept it stuck to the jam. 00:21:28.110 --> 00:21:30.210 align:middle line:84% It required a bit of violence to pop open. 00:21:30.210 --> 00:21:32.370 align:middle line:84% The punch of it giving way stirred Michelle, alone 00:21:32.370 --> 00:21:33.390 align:middle line:90% on her futon. 00:21:33.390 --> 00:21:35.700 align:middle line:84% Her sinuses clogged with snot and cocaine 00:21:35.700 --> 00:21:38.380 align:middle line:84% had drained into the left side of her head as she slept. 00:21:38.380 --> 00:21:40.500 align:middle line:84% And so her face looked lopsided, puffier 00:21:40.500 --> 00:21:42.960 align:middle line:84% on that end like a funhouse mirror or the boy 00:21:42.960 --> 00:21:45.527 align:middle line:90% from the movie Mask." 00:21:45.527 --> 00:21:47.110 align:middle line:84% I'm glad you guys know that reference. 00:21:47.110 --> 00:21:49.590 align:middle line:90% Sometimes I worry. 00:21:49.590 --> 00:21:51.510 align:middle line:84% "Ziggy walked into the room with two coffees 00:21:51.510 --> 00:21:53.070 align:middle line:90% steaming from their paper cups. 00:21:53.070 --> 00:21:54.660 align:middle line:90% Rise and shine LA woman. 00:21:54.660 --> 00:21:57.660 align:middle line:84% It was incredible how well Ziggy functioned. 00:21:57.660 --> 00:22:00.300 align:middle line:84% Her neck was spotted with hickeys as if with leprosy. 00:22:00.300 --> 00:22:02.250 align:middle line:84% Her goggles held her unwashed hair back 00:22:02.250 --> 00:22:04.380 align:middle line:84% from her face, which was scrubbed clean. 00:22:04.380 --> 00:22:07.470 align:middle line:84% Ziggy used fancy face wash that heated up as it lathered. 00:22:07.470 --> 00:22:09.750 align:middle line:84% She smelled like the inside of an Aveda salon. 00:22:09.750 --> 00:22:11.310 align:middle line:84% Michelle did not know how she did it. 00:22:11.310 --> 00:22:13.102 align:middle line:84% She had been up all night fucking that girl 00:22:13.102 --> 00:22:16.500 align:middle line:84% and had arrived exactly on time to awaken Michelle with coffee. 00:22:16.500 --> 00:22:18.510 align:middle line:84% Michelle dunked her face into the steaming cup 00:22:18.510 --> 00:22:20.280 align:middle line:84% and let the bitter cloud rouse her. 00:22:20.280 --> 00:22:21.360 align:middle line:90% Where's Persephone? 00:22:21.360 --> 00:22:22.500 align:middle line:90% Michelle shrugged. 00:22:22.500 --> 00:22:24.810 align:middle line:84% Do I look like Mask, she asked, touching 00:22:24.810 --> 00:22:26.880 align:middle line:90% the swollen roll of her face. 00:22:26.880 --> 00:22:28.710 align:middle line:84% Like Eric Stoltz in the movie Mask, 00:22:28.710 --> 00:22:30.210 align:middle line:84% where he has that disease, you know, 00:22:30.210 --> 00:22:31.530 align:middle line:90% that makes his face all bumpy. 00:22:31.530 --> 00:22:33.267 align:middle line:90% And shares his mom, Ziggy asked. 00:22:33.267 --> 00:22:35.850 align:middle line:84% And she's like a biker and gets him a hooker for his birthday? 00:22:35.850 --> 00:22:36.720 align:middle line:90% Yeah. 00:22:36.720 --> 00:22:40.192 align:middle line:84% Fucking love that movie, Ziggy said, pulling a pack of camels 00:22:40.192 --> 00:22:42.150 align:middle line:84% from the ass of her white jeans and lighting up 00:22:42.150 --> 00:22:43.110 align:middle line:90% in the empty room. 00:22:43.110 --> 00:22:44.040 align:middle line:90% I love Silkwood too. 00:22:44.040 --> 00:22:45.248 align:middle line:90% Did you see here in Silkwood? 00:22:45.248 --> 00:22:46.290 align:middle line:90% She's a dyke in that one. 00:22:46.290 --> 00:22:46.980 align:middle line:90% It was very hot. 00:22:46.980 --> 00:22:48.897 align:middle line:84% Meryl Streep gets killed for trying to rat out 00:22:48.897 --> 00:22:50.040 align:middle line:90% a nuclear power plant. 00:22:50.040 --> 00:22:50.730 align:middle line:90% I love that. 00:22:50.730 --> 00:22:51.630 align:middle line:90% I saw that. 00:22:51.630 --> 00:22:52.410 align:middle line:90% Mask is better. 00:22:52.410 --> 00:22:54.210 align:middle line:90% She's hotter in Mask. 00:22:54.210 --> 00:22:56.010 align:middle line:90% But do I look like that? 00:22:56.010 --> 00:22:57.660 align:middle line:90% Ziggy squinted at her friend. 00:22:57.660 --> 00:22:59.070 align:middle line:90% I don't know, she said slowly. 00:22:59.070 --> 00:23:00.870 align:middle line:84% I don't think you look like Cher. 00:23:00.870 --> 00:23:02.760 align:middle line:90% No, do I look like the boy-- 00:23:02.760 --> 00:23:04.440 align:middle line:90% the boy in Mask? 00:23:04.440 --> 00:23:05.550 align:middle line:90% Oh, God. 00:23:05.550 --> 00:23:07.693 align:middle line:84% Ziggy snorted a cloud of smoke from her nose. 00:23:07.693 --> 00:23:09.360 align:middle line:84% No, you don't look like the boy in Mask. 00:23:09.360 --> 00:23:10.840 align:middle line:90% Why because you were crying? 00:23:10.840 --> 00:23:11.790 align:middle line:90% You can tell? 00:23:11.790 --> 00:23:12.720 align:middle line:90% Ziggy nodded. 00:23:12.720 --> 00:23:13.950 align:middle line:90% Michelle drank or coffee. 00:23:13.950 --> 00:23:15.930 align:middle line:84% You didn't have a great going away party? 00:23:15.930 --> 00:23:18.180 align:middle line:84% Michelle's finger shot out and poked the mottled skin 00:23:18.180 --> 00:23:18.990 align:middle line:90% of Ziggy's neck. 00:23:18.990 --> 00:23:19.890 align:middle line:90% You did. 00:23:19.890 --> 00:23:22.048 align:middle line:84% That girl's crazy, Ziggy said with a grin. 00:23:22.048 --> 00:23:23.340 align:middle line:90% She rubbed her neck and winced. 00:23:23.340 --> 00:23:24.590 align:middle line:90% She bit my fucking throat off. 00:23:24.590 --> 00:23:25.272 align:middle line:90% It hurts. 00:23:25.272 --> 00:23:27.480 align:middle line:84% She drew from her cigarette like an asthmatic sucking 00:23:27.480 --> 00:23:29.750 align:middle line:84% on an inhaler and tossed the butt out the window. 00:23:29.750 --> 00:23:30.750 align:middle line:90% I should get back there. 00:23:30.750 --> 00:23:31.810 align:middle line:90% I left her in the truck. 00:23:31.810 --> 00:23:32.310 align:middle line:90% Who? 00:23:32.310 --> 00:23:33.270 align:middle line:90% That girl? 00:23:33.270 --> 00:23:34.140 align:middle line:90% Laureen. yeah. 00:23:34.140 --> 00:23:35.760 align:middle line:84% She's going to drive down LA with me. 00:23:35.760 --> 00:23:36.540 align:middle line:90% That girl? 00:23:36.540 --> 00:23:37.560 align:middle line:90% That girl? 00:23:37.560 --> 00:23:38.790 align:middle line:90% Yeah, Ziggy shrugged. 00:23:38.790 --> 00:23:39.510 align:middle line:90% That drive sucks. 00:23:39.510 --> 00:23:40.260 align:middle line:90% It's fucking long. 00:23:40.260 --> 00:23:40.620 align:middle line:90% It's hot. 00:23:40.620 --> 00:23:42.328 align:middle line:84% You're going to be in the car Persephone. 00:23:42.328 --> 00:23:44.220 align:middle line:90% God, I fucking hate that girl. 00:23:44.220 --> 00:23:45.690 align:middle line:90% Ziggy looked unfazed. 00:23:45.690 --> 00:23:46.273 align:middle line:90% She likes you. 00:23:46.273 --> 00:23:47.190 align:middle line:90% She brought your book. 00:23:47.190 --> 00:23:48.270 align:middle line:90% She wants you to sign it. 00:23:48.270 --> 00:23:49.440 align:middle line:90% Ugh! 00:23:49.440 --> 00:23:52.980 align:middle line:84% Michelle cried and reinserted herself into the futon, 00:23:52.980 --> 00:23:54.540 align:middle line:84% sinking her face into the pillow. 00:23:54.540 --> 00:23:56.040 align:middle line:90% Ugh, ah. 00:23:56.040 --> 00:23:58.590 align:middle line:84% Ziggy kicked her gently with the toe of her motorcycle boot. 00:23:58.590 --> 00:23:59.548 align:middle line:90% Get off that, she said. 00:23:59.548 --> 00:24:02.087 align:middle line:84% Get off that, and I'll drag it downstairs for you. 00:24:02.087 --> 00:24:04.170 align:middle line:84% Laureen. came out of the cab of the U-Haul bearing 00:24:04.170 --> 00:24:05.400 align:middle line:90% a copy of Michelle's book. 00:24:05.400 --> 00:24:06.690 align:middle line:90% Michelle autographed it. 00:24:06.690 --> 00:24:08.400 align:middle line:84% Laureen. climbed back into the truck, 00:24:08.400 --> 00:24:10.500 align:middle line:84% and Persephone still had not arrived. 00:24:10.500 --> 00:24:12.540 align:middle line:84% The autograph had read, to Laureen. 00:24:12.540 --> 00:24:13.680 align:middle line:90% on the day of my departure. 00:24:13.680 --> 00:24:15.300 align:middle line:90% I will never forget you. 00:24:15.300 --> 00:24:17.070 align:middle line:84% Laureen. looked different in the daylight 00:24:17.070 --> 00:24:19.800 align:middle line:84% with no makeup on her face or rice in her ass." 00:24:19.800 --> 00:24:21.330 align:middle line:90% Oh, Michelle had dared her to-- 00:24:21.330 --> 00:24:22.997 align:middle line:84% they were playing truth or dare, and she 00:24:22.997 --> 00:24:26.195 align:middle line:84% dared her to put rice in her butt and pour soy sauce on it. 00:24:26.195 --> 00:24:27.570 align:middle line:84% And then she dared her girlfriend 00:24:27.570 --> 00:24:29.778 align:middle line:84% to eat it because she could see their sexual tension, 00:24:29.778 --> 00:24:32.370 align:middle line:84% and she just wanted to do something with it. 00:24:32.370 --> 00:24:35.352 align:middle line:90% And then she lost her mind, so-- 00:24:35.352 --> 00:24:37.560 align:middle line:84% but Laureen. was just like this happy girl at a party 00:24:37.560 --> 00:24:39.150 align:middle line:84% having fun putting rice in her butt 00:24:39.150 --> 00:24:42.060 align:middle line:90% because she's like a daredevil. 00:24:42.060 --> 00:24:43.770 align:middle line:90% OK. 00:24:43.770 --> 00:24:47.440 align:middle line:84% So-- so Michelle is the crazy person in the story. 00:24:47.440 --> 00:24:49.560 align:middle line:84% That's what you should understand. 00:24:49.560 --> 00:24:52.290 align:middle line:84% Laureen. was in her walk of shame ensemble of satin 00:24:52.290 --> 00:24:54.600 align:middle line:84% hot pants, a ratty t-shirt stretched like skin 00:24:54.600 --> 00:24:55.898 align:middle line:90% across her intense tits. 00:24:55.898 --> 00:24:58.440 align:middle line:84% Michelle would have to find out from Ziggy if they were real. 00:24:58.440 --> 00:25:00.060 align:middle line:84% Michelle sort of loved fake tits. 00:25:00.060 --> 00:25:01.860 align:middle line:84% It was her favorite part of any strip bar-- 00:25:01.860 --> 00:25:03.777 align:middle line:84% the girl with the boobs that look like someone 00:25:03.777 --> 00:25:06.450 align:middle line:84% had hurled them onto their chest from across the room, 00:25:06.450 --> 00:25:08.910 align:middle line:84% strong as muscles with a little wobble. 00:25:08.910 --> 00:25:11.130 align:middle line:90% They fascinated Michelle. 00:25:11.130 --> 00:25:14.273 align:middle line:84% She waved to the pair as they drove off in the rental truck. 00:25:14.273 --> 00:25:16.440 align:middle line:84% She sat on her front stoop and thought nostalgically 00:25:16.440 --> 00:25:17.940 align:middle line:84% how she would never sit there again. 00:25:17.940 --> 00:25:19.410 align:middle line:84% So much had happened on that stoop. 00:25:19.410 --> 00:25:20.850 align:middle line:84% She'd cried, of course, over girls 00:25:20.850 --> 00:25:22.050 align:middle line:90% who had stopped loving her. 00:25:22.050 --> 00:25:23.508 align:middle line:84% And she had smoked many cigarettes. 00:25:23.508 --> 00:25:24.510 align:middle line:90% She had drunk beers. 00:25:24.510 --> 00:25:26.010 align:middle line:84% She'd written part of her book here, 00:25:26.010 --> 00:25:28.243 align:middle line:84% her back against her front door, pen and a notebook, 00:25:28.243 --> 00:25:30.660 align:middle line:84% crying over a girl who would stop loving her while smoking 00:25:30.660 --> 00:25:31.680 align:middle line:90% and drinking beer. 00:25:31.680 --> 00:25:34.440 align:middle line:84% She wanted to nail a plaque to it, the stoop. 00:25:34.440 --> 00:25:36.030 align:middle line:84% There was that one sweet crackhead 00:25:36.030 --> 00:25:38.160 align:middle line:84% related to the woman who lived on the first floor. 00:25:38.160 --> 00:25:40.535 align:middle line:84% Michelle would often come down and see the ladies sitting 00:25:40.535 --> 00:25:41.580 align:middle line:90% on the stairs nodded out. 00:25:41.580 --> 00:25:43.830 align:middle line:84% Michelle would startle her, and the lady would swiftly 00:25:43.830 --> 00:25:45.660 align:middle line:84% begin sweeping the stoop with her hands, 00:25:45.660 --> 00:25:48.060 align:middle line:84% brushing debris into her palm with her fingers. 00:25:48.060 --> 00:25:50.970 align:middle line:84% I'm Susie's cousin, she'd say in a stuffed up voice. 00:25:50.970 --> 00:25:52.380 align:middle line:90% Susie said I could sit here. 00:25:52.380 --> 00:25:54.810 align:middle line:84% She'd dust a little path for Michelle to pass through. 00:25:54.810 --> 00:25:56.430 align:middle line:90% It's fine, Michelle assured her. 00:25:56.430 --> 00:25:59.080 align:middle line:84% Generally, Michelle didn't mind if people sat on her stairs. 00:25:59.080 --> 00:26:01.122 align:middle line:84% Sometimes gangs of boys with bottles of beer 00:26:01.122 --> 00:26:03.330 align:middle line:84% would be intimidating, but they weren't shitty to her 00:26:03.330 --> 00:26:05.580 align:middle line:84% and once even helped her upstairs with her laundry. 00:26:05.580 --> 00:26:07.740 align:middle line:84% Susie's cousin was very tender and had 00:26:07.740 --> 00:26:09.570 align:middle line:90% such a strange froggy voice. 00:26:09.570 --> 00:26:11.400 align:middle line:84% Persephone enjoyed imitating her-- 00:26:11.400 --> 00:26:12.662 align:middle line:90% I'm Susie's cousin. 00:26:12.662 --> 00:26:15.120 align:middle line:84% Persephone Stephanie would roll her eyes back and pantomime 00:26:15.120 --> 00:26:16.530 align:middle line:90% sweeping with her hands. 00:26:16.530 --> 00:26:18.670 align:middle line:90% Susie said I could sit here. 00:26:18.670 --> 00:26:20.370 align:middle line:84% Persephone did really good imitations. 00:26:20.370 --> 00:26:22.740 align:middle line:84% She did the Susie's cousin imitation to Ziggy once 00:26:22.740 --> 00:26:23.940 align:middle line:90% and it made her hostile. 00:26:23.940 --> 00:26:25.565 align:middle line:84% Ziggy acted like drug addicts were holy 00:26:25.565 --> 00:26:27.023 align:middle line:84% and became defensive if you laughed 00:26:27.023 --> 00:26:29.070 align:middle line:84% at them like you were being racist or poking fun 00:26:29.070 --> 00:26:30.330 align:middle line:90% at a disabled person. 00:26:30.330 --> 00:26:31.980 align:middle line:90% It's not funny, she said. 00:26:31.980 --> 00:26:33.540 align:middle line:90% It actually is, Michelle said. 00:26:33.540 --> 00:26:35.950 align:middle line:90% It's actually quite funny. 00:26:35.950 --> 00:26:37.590 align:middle line:84% Persephone also did a killer imitation 00:26:37.590 --> 00:26:39.060 align:middle line:84% of a junkie they'd seen nodding off 00:26:39.060 --> 00:26:41.190 align:middle line:84% with a bag of chips in his hand at the gas station, 00:26:41.190 --> 00:26:44.070 align:middle line:84% but she only did it privately to Michelle to make her laugh. 00:26:44.070 --> 00:26:47.392 align:middle line:84% People could get really sensitive about drug addicts. 00:26:47.392 --> 00:26:49.350 align:middle line:84% On the sidewalk before Michelle, a homeless guy 00:26:49.350 --> 00:26:50.845 align:middle line:84% sprawled out on the discarded futon 00:26:50.845 --> 00:26:53.220 align:middle line:84% falling asleep with his hand down the front of his pants. 00:26:53.220 --> 00:26:55.290 align:middle line:84% And Persephone had still not returned. 00:26:55.290 --> 00:26:57.420 align:middle line:84% Michelle ran through many scenarios in her mind. 00:26:57.420 --> 00:26:59.407 align:middle line:84% She thought Persephone had left her of course, 00:26:59.407 --> 00:27:01.740 align:middle line:84% that she'd gone back to the suburbs, wherever they were, 00:27:01.740 --> 00:27:03.990 align:middle line:84% to resume her residency in her mother's basement. 00:27:03.990 --> 00:27:06.600 align:middle line:84% Michelle had never been there, had never met the moms." 00:27:06.600 --> 00:27:08.040 align:middle line:90% Persephone has lesbian moms. 00:27:08.040 --> 00:27:09.540 align:middle line:84% "Didn't know where the house was. 00:27:09.540 --> 00:27:12.070 align:middle line:84% Despite its location only 15 minutes from the city, 00:27:12.070 --> 00:27:15.180 align:middle line:84% if Persephone chose to become reabsorbed by her old thug 00:27:15.180 --> 00:27:17.400 align:middle line:84% life, Michelle would never be able to find her. 00:27:17.400 --> 00:27:20.280 align:middle line:84% How did a person even get to San Raphinha from San Francisco? 00:27:20.280 --> 00:27:21.135 align:middle line:90% Was there a train? 00:27:21.135 --> 00:27:23.760 align:middle line:84% Michelle believe there might be a train at the edge of the city 00:27:23.760 --> 00:27:25.860 align:middle line:90% where the wild dogs roamed. 00:27:25.860 --> 00:27:28.080 align:middle line:84% What would Michelle do if Persephone abandoned her 00:27:28.080 --> 00:27:28.868 align:middle line:90% so dramatically? 00:27:28.868 --> 00:27:30.660 align:middle line:84% She supposed she would trudge back upstairs 00:27:30.660 --> 00:27:32.190 align:middle line:90% and reclaim her empty bedroom. 00:27:32.190 --> 00:27:34.535 align:middle line:84% The roommates might protest and cower." 00:27:34.535 --> 00:27:35.160 align:middle line:90% Well, whatever. 00:27:35.160 --> 00:27:36.030 align:middle line:84% One roommate would have her back. 00:27:36.030 --> 00:27:37.080 align:middle line:84% I didn't tell you about those people. 00:27:37.080 --> 00:27:38.730 align:middle line:84% I didn't want to get confusing here. 00:27:38.730 --> 00:27:39.230 align:middle line:90% All right. 00:27:39.230 --> 00:27:40.867 align:middle line:90% Blah, blah, blah. 00:27:40.867 --> 00:27:43.200 align:middle line:84% "Ziggy, somewhere in the Central Valley by now, probably 00:27:43.200 --> 00:27:44.908 align:middle line:84% fucking Laureen. on the side of the road, 00:27:44.908 --> 00:27:46.080 align:middle line:90% had a cell phone, thank God. 00:27:46.080 --> 00:27:48.497 align:middle line:84% It lived in a little leather pouch snapped under her belt. 00:27:48.497 --> 00:27:50.760 align:middle line:84% Michelle could phone her and asked her to turn back. 00:27:50.760 --> 00:27:53.700 align:middle line:84% Ziggy would help her carry all her boxes back up the stairs. 00:27:53.700 --> 00:27:55.500 align:middle line:84% Laureen. would look at her sadly, 00:27:55.500 --> 00:27:57.960 align:middle line:84% put her arm around Michelle's shoulders, tell her it's OK, 00:27:57.960 --> 00:27:59.400 align:middle line:90% you can write about it. 00:27:59.400 --> 00:28:02.100 align:middle line:84% Michelle and Laureen. would become best friends. 00:28:02.100 --> 00:28:04.230 align:middle line:84% Her bookstore job forfeit, Laureen. 00:28:04.230 --> 00:28:07.410 align:middle line:84% would hook her up with a dancing slot at her co-op strip club. 00:28:07.410 --> 00:28:10.020 align:middle line:84% Michelle would become like the best stripper ever. 00:28:10.020 --> 00:28:12.640 align:middle line:84% Persephone would show up with her thuggy criminal friends. 00:28:12.640 --> 00:28:14.250 align:middle line:84% They would all be drawn to Michelle, 00:28:14.250 --> 00:28:17.010 align:middle line:84% unrecognizable in her hair extension and fake tits, 00:28:17.010 --> 00:28:18.780 align:middle line:84% her mouth engorged with collagen. 00:28:18.780 --> 00:28:20.940 align:middle line:84% They would all fall in love with her one by one. 00:28:20.940 --> 00:28:23.160 align:middle line:84% And then Persephone would recognize. 00:28:23.160 --> 00:28:25.890 align:middle line:84% From within the haze of whatever drug combo had dulled her, 00:28:25.890 --> 00:28:27.780 align:middle line:84% she would see Michelle, her true love. 00:28:27.780 --> 00:28:29.682 align:middle line:84% And her eyes would widen at the sight of her. 00:28:29.682 --> 00:28:31.140 align:middle line:84% It would be like the part in Grease 00:28:31.140 --> 00:28:34.110 align:middle line:84% when Sandy steps out in her black Spandex and permed hair 00:28:34.110 --> 00:28:36.630 align:middle line:84% and sniffs out her cigarette with a stiletto. 00:28:36.630 --> 00:28:38.543 align:middle line:90% Tell me about it stud. 00:28:38.543 --> 00:28:39.960 align:middle line:84% And Michelle would tell Persephone 00:28:39.960 --> 00:28:44.072 align:middle line:84% to fuck off in 18 different languages, including ASL. 00:28:44.072 --> 00:28:46.530 align:middle line:84% The thugs would fall all over each other cuffing Persephone 00:28:46.530 --> 00:28:47.640 align:middle line:90% on the back of her head. 00:28:47.640 --> 00:28:49.723 align:middle line:84% Dude, was that your girl, the one you took off on? 00:28:49.723 --> 00:28:50.700 align:middle line:90% You were a fool, brah. 00:28:50.700 --> 00:28:51.658 align:middle line:90% I want a piece of that. 00:28:51.658 --> 00:28:54.200 align:middle line:84% Michelle would hit a button, and the screen would cut her off 00:28:54.200 --> 00:28:55.020 align:middle line:90% from them forever. 00:28:55.020 --> 00:28:56.250 align:middle line:90% Game over. 00:28:56.250 --> 00:28:58.542 align:middle line:84% Michelle would organize a cadre of neighborhood youths. 00:28:58.542 --> 00:29:00.625 align:middle line:84% And, together, they would clean the scummy streets 00:29:00.625 --> 00:29:01.680 align:middle line:90% of the place they lived. 00:29:01.680 --> 00:29:03.600 align:middle line:84% Michelle would look like such a good person doing this. 00:29:03.600 --> 00:29:06.120 align:middle line:84% But, really, she just needed a bunch of teenagers to scrub 00:29:06.120 --> 00:29:08.310 align:middle line:84% the forever Michelle forever from the wall across 00:29:08.310 --> 00:29:10.590 align:middle line:84% the street--" a love letter that her girlfriend spray painted 00:29:10.590 --> 00:29:12.780 align:middle line:84% on the wall. "--because she could not live her life looking 00:29:12.780 --> 00:29:15.248 align:middle line:84% out upon it as she hung in her window smoking cigarettes. 00:29:15.248 --> 00:29:17.040 align:middle line:84% The youths would haul buckets of chemicals, 00:29:17.040 --> 00:29:18.457 align:middle line:84% and the words would loosen beneath 00:29:18.457 --> 00:29:19.475 align:middle line:90% their insistent sponges. 00:29:19.475 --> 00:29:20.850 align:middle line:84% But when they were done, the wall 00:29:20.850 --> 00:29:22.683 align:middle line:84% would hold the bleach smear of what had once 00:29:22.683 --> 00:29:25.590 align:middle line:84% been there-- a ghostly negative of her lover's broken promise. 00:29:25.590 --> 00:29:26.580 align:middle line:90% What would Michelle do? 00:29:26.580 --> 00:29:28.830 align:middle line:84% In the night, she would steal outside with her own can 00:29:28.830 --> 00:29:31.770 align:middle line:84% of paint-- a sickening color, something with a toxic glow. 00:29:31.770 --> 00:29:33.540 align:middle line:84% Michelle would spray 'come, Armageddon, 00:29:33.540 --> 00:29:36.840 align:middle line:84% come' across the wall in the spaces where the love once was, 00:29:36.840 --> 00:29:39.540 align:middle line:84% the only command worth making at the end of a romance, 00:29:39.540 --> 00:29:40.950 align:middle line:90% especially one like this-- 00:29:40.950 --> 00:29:42.750 align:middle line:84% one you had foolishly bet your entire heart 00:29:42.750 --> 00:29:44.280 align:middle line:90% on in spite of the bad odds. 00:29:44.280 --> 00:29:46.290 align:middle line:84% And there was nothing left inside your bank now, 00:29:46.290 --> 00:29:47.670 align:middle line:84% and all your credit cards were maxed, 00:29:47.670 --> 00:29:49.670 align:middle line:84% and you had never had anything of worth to pawn. 00:29:49.670 --> 00:29:50.460 align:middle line:90% You were ruined. 00:29:50.460 --> 00:29:52.260 align:middle line:84% It was the only spell worth casting-- 00:29:52.260 --> 00:29:54.060 align:middle line:90% come Armageddon, come." 00:29:54.060 --> 00:29:55.650 align:middle line:90% That's it. 00:29:55.650 --> 00:29:56.370 align:middle line:90% Thanks you guys. 00:29:56.370 --> 00:30:00.420 align:middle line:90% 00:30:00.420 --> 00:30:01.970 align:middle line:90% Thanks. 00:30:01.970 --> 00:30:03.000 align:middle line:90%