WEBVTT

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So I'm told you do questions,
again, after this--

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[LAUGHTER]

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--which I'm excited about.

00:00:05.460 --> 00:00:08.430 align:middle line:90%
[LAUGHTER]

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We heard a little rumor
earlier, after the Q and A,

00:00:10.655 --> 00:00:13.950 align:middle line:84%
that you threw out a
five-hundred-something page

00:00:13.950 --> 00:00:20.060 align:middle line:84%
draft that was your writings
to a reputable [INAUDIBLE]

00:00:20.060 --> 00:00:22.810 align:middle line:84%
And I was actually, even before
that, you mentioned that this

00:00:22.810 --> 00:00:24.726 align:middle line:84%
was originally a
commissioned essay,

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but then, it became
longer and longer.

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So now it looked like-- but it,
obviously, still unanswered.

00:00:31.280 --> 00:00:33.548 align:middle line:84%
A lot of us are second-year
students working on, not

00:00:33.548 --> 00:00:35.340 align:middle line:84%
necessarily, turning
one essay into a book,

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but thinking about--

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story or a book,
or structure it.

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How did you make
your total decisions?

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And today, how did you decide
to toss away hundreds of pages?

00:00:43.578 --> 00:00:45.069 align:middle line:90%
What was that like?

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00:00:48.560 --> 00:00:50.730 align:middle line:90%
It's a great question.

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I don't think I have an answer
for it, but I can tell you--

00:00:56.720 --> 00:01:02.240 align:middle line:84%
the real answer is
it took nine years.

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And so it's easy over nine
years to convince yourself

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that 500 pages have to go.

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I mean, I've already talked
about this elsewhere,

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so I have no problem talking
about it now, especially

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since we're in school.

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This book originally had
a different publisher,

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and they bought this idea.

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That's all they bought.

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I think they bought seven
pages worth of an idea.

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And I think, maybe,
three years after that,

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I handed in something close
to that 500-page thing.

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And they said, well, not quite.

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Do another draft.

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And so I did another draft.

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And they said, no.

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We didn't know this was
what you were going to do.

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There were formal
issues with it,

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but we disagreed about what
the book was supposed to be.

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Partly, they didn't
understand why Levi was in it.

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And also, they were
expecting me to--

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I don't know why but
they were expecting

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me to-- do a general, nonfiction
book about Yucca mountain.

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And, I mean, I told
them that I never

00:02:18.140 --> 00:02:19.970 align:middle line:90%
would write that kind of book.

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Though, we certainly
should have one,

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but it just wouldn't be
something that I would do.

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So we so we parted ways.

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But it was--

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I mean, this isn't
really a helpful answer,

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but it's the answer, I think.

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It was that-- and this was
a publisher that, I assume,

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any writer in the room would
want to be published by.

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I thought I had made it.

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And so that kick
in the teeth made

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me look at those 500 pages,
which I was telling Ander,

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he didn't tell you the whole
rumor, or the whole story.

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It was ridiculous, formally.

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Those 500 pages consisted
of nine paragraphs.

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That's stupid.

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[LAUGHTER]

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That's just dumb.

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Because in that little
bit about the nines,

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I had convinced myself that nine
was the principal, formal issue

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in the book.

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And that is the only
thing about nine

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that still exists in the book.

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But it took-- again, I have
no problem admitting this--

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it took two years
of not writing,

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feeling really sorry for
myself, wanting to quit.

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I almost quit my job
teaching because I said,

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I have no right to teach
if I can't figure out

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how to put this book together.

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There were stupid years.

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[LAUGHTER]

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And I can't really tell you
how I started trimming, except

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to say, it was that helped
me see, more clearly,

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the problems with the book.

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Also, their confusion about why
Levi should be a part of this--

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because Levi influences
the structure of the book.

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He influences the
way that the book

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leaps from subject to
subject, especially

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toward the last
third of the book.

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It was their saying,
we just don't get this,

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we don't think he belongs
in here, that made me--

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despite the fact that
they rejected the book--

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clarify for myself why he
needed to be a part of it.

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So again, that's
not useful because I

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know you can't set out to find
a publisher in hopes that they

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fire you so that you
learn an important lesson.

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But it really is
what happened to me.

00:05:09.500 --> 00:05:14.090 align:middle line:84%
But I can't actually-- because
my perspective at this point

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on the book is, well, I
have none at the moment--

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I can't really explain to you
how I started trimming away.

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But there really wasn't a moment
where I said, this is the form.

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It was just as
matter of finally,

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I guess, being able to
see it for what it was,

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which it was in a
form that really

00:05:44.720 --> 00:05:49.610 align:middle line:84%
was only appealing to my
nerdy interest in form

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rather than a form that was
actually servicing the story.

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And while I teach,
endlessly, the importance

00:06:00.200 --> 00:06:02.600 align:middle line:90%
of understanding your form--

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especially because students
come to the university I teach

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at, thinking that I'm just
going to be a candy store,

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and we can all run wild, and
play willy-nilly with form--

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I tend to be a lot less
permissive about form.

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And I tend to
emphasize with them--

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more strictly than, I
think, my colleagues--

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that they understand
why they're making

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the formal choices
they're making

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and that the form is servicing
the story or, hopefully,

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working in conjunction
thematically

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with their argument.

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So despite that, it
took a while for me

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to understand that the form
needed to do something other

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than just challenge
me to put together

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100-page paragraphs that
function the way a paragraph is

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supposed to function.

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I'm just going to start spinning
if I try to keep this going.

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I can think more and, maybe,
talk to you after about some

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of the specifics.

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Yes.

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You.

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I'm trying to formulate
this question.

00:07:28.562 --> 00:07:32.060 align:middle line:84%
So "Worth the Wait" is the
story about [INAUDIBLE]

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and the others, of [INAUDIBLE]
and, really, the connection

00:07:35.270 --> 00:07:37.410 align:middle line:90%
is literal, in a way.

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When did you decide that
you could not be with them?

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When did you make the decision?

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Well, partly, I'm stubborn.

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That helped.

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But I think I could answer,
as I said before, I started--

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I was already in
town researching

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Yucca and, on the side,
researching Levi and learning,

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in that process,

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Everything else about
suicide in that town.

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And also, while trying to
figure out who Levi was,

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finding that city
officials not only

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didn't want to give me
information about Levi's death,

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but they simply didn't want
to talk about suicide at all.

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There's a very long
section of the book

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that just details
how people were

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refusing to speak with me and
about the problem of suicide.

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And so, I suppose,
it was the fact

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that both were getting in
my blood at the same time

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that they--

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again, not very practically
useful as advice--

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but they, eventually,
just naturally,

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felt like the same issue.

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And so still, I'm not
entirely sure which

00:09:06.940 --> 00:09:08.740 align:middle line:90%
is a metaphor for what.

00:09:08.740 --> 00:09:11.470 align:middle line:84%
It's incredibly crude
for me to suggest

00:09:11.470 --> 00:09:15.040 align:middle line:84%
that Levi is a metaphor for
what was happening with Yucca,

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or Yucca is a
metaphor for what may

00:09:17.470 --> 00:09:21.190 align:middle line:84%
have been going on
with Levi and suicide

00:09:21.190 --> 00:09:23.950 align:middle line:90%
in general in Las Vegas.

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But that's how I think of them.

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I think of them as speaking
to each other atmospherically.

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I'm not answering your question,
I understand that, but--

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[LAUGHTER]

00:09:35.878 --> 00:09:39.070 align:middle line:84%
So the point that you decide
that you would not give up,

00:09:39.070 --> 00:09:41.494 align:middle line:84%
regardless of who was
publishing the book,

00:09:41.494 --> 00:09:44.420 align:middle line:84%
was when you could
not take criticism?

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Oh, well, it's when they said,
Levi doesn't belong in here.

00:09:47.870 --> 00:09:52.070 align:middle line:84%
And I dug my heels in
saying, yes, he does.

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But, I suppose, when they said,
well then, screw you, book.

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Goodbye.

00:09:58.820 --> 00:10:05.930 align:middle line:84%
And I think it was a bit of
stubbornness where I, then,

00:10:05.930 --> 00:10:09.590 align:middle line:84%
spent a long time either
trying to prove them wrong

00:10:09.590 --> 00:10:13.760 align:middle line:84%
or just clarifying for
myself why he needed

00:10:13.760 --> 00:10:15.740 align:middle line:90%
to be a part of that book.

00:10:15.740 --> 00:10:18.680 align:middle line:90%
I can't give you a specific--

00:10:18.680 --> 00:10:20.220 align:middle line:90%
I apologize for that.

00:10:20.220 --> 00:10:20.720 align:middle line:90%
I should.

00:10:20.720 --> 00:10:25.340 align:middle line:84%
I should be able to
answer that, but I can't.

00:10:25.340 --> 00:10:28.110 align:middle line:84%
I'll think more about that
and talk to you after if you--

00:10:28.110 --> 00:10:29.420 align:middle line:90%
[LAUGHTER] want to.

00:10:29.420 --> 00:10:32.920 align:middle line:90%
We can do one more question.

00:10:32.920 --> 00:10:35.410 align:middle line:90%
Yes.

00:10:35.410 --> 00:10:36.610 align:middle line:90%
I hope I can answer it.

00:10:36.610 --> 00:10:37.340 align:middle line:90%
It's a yes or no.

00:10:37.340 --> 00:10:37.840 align:middle line:90%
OK.

00:10:37.840 --> 00:10:39.370 align:middle line:90%
[LAUGHTER]

00:10:39.370 --> 00:10:45.620 align:middle line:84%
Did you write down the
warning on the roll to--

00:10:45.620 --> 00:10:47.610 align:middle line:90%
when you were in Las Vegas--

00:10:47.610 --> 00:10:50.766 align:middle line:90%
to go back to get that later?

00:10:50.766 --> 00:10:53.490 align:middle line:84%
I'm just wondering if
you're not supposed to do--

00:10:53.490 --> 00:10:55.980 align:middle line:90%
Uh huh.

00:10:55.980 --> 00:11:02.700 align:middle line:84%
Well, I went to the
stratosphere pretty quickly.

00:11:02.700 --> 00:11:05.310 align:middle line:90%
I think, he died on a Saturday.

00:11:05.310 --> 00:11:07.440 align:middle line:84%
I learned about it
that Saturday night.

00:11:07.440 --> 00:11:09.660 align:middle line:84%
I started worrying about
it that Saturday night.

00:11:09.660 --> 00:11:11.640 align:middle line:90%
I think I was probably there--

00:11:11.640 --> 00:11:13.680 align:middle line:84%
I'd never been to the
stratosphere before.

00:11:13.680 --> 00:11:16.560 align:middle line:84%
I think I was probably
there that Sunday and then

00:11:16.560 --> 00:11:17.880 align:middle line:90%
just kept going.

00:11:17.880 --> 00:11:22.470 align:middle line:84%
So I was probably collecting
information for a while.

00:11:22.470 --> 00:11:26.400 align:middle line:84%
Then I left town
but then returned

00:11:26.400 --> 00:11:28.725 align:middle line:90%
to continue doing more research.

00:11:28.725 --> 00:11:31.890 align:middle line:90%


00:11:31.890 --> 00:11:33.360 align:middle line:90%
Oh, but no, I can answer this.

00:11:33.360 --> 00:11:38.550 align:middle line:84%
It wasn't, actually, until later
that I knew the path that he

00:11:38.550 --> 00:11:40.080 align:middle line:90%
had taken through the hotel.

00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:44.430 align:middle line:84%
So I don't know
exactly how much later,

00:11:44.430 --> 00:11:47.070 align:middle line:84%
but it was months
later that I actually

00:11:47.070 --> 00:11:51.060 align:middle line:84%
knew where he went on
his way to the tower.

00:11:51.060 --> 00:11:54.690 align:middle line:84%
So it's, then, that I
actually retraced his steps

00:11:54.690 --> 00:11:58.318 align:middle line:84%
and wrote down
everything I could find.

00:11:58.318 --> 00:11:59.235 align:middle line:90%
Does that answer that?

00:11:59.235 --> 00:11:59.735 align:middle line:90%
It did.

00:11:59.735 --> 00:12:00.750 align:middle line:90%
That was easy.

00:12:00.750 --> 00:12:01.250 align:middle line:90%
[LAUGHTER]

00:12:01.250 --> 00:12:02.906 align:middle line:90%
All right.

00:12:02.906 --> 00:12:03.406 align:middle line:90%
Thank you.

00:12:03.406 --> 00:12:04.180 align:middle line:90%
[APPLAUSE]

00:12:04.180 --> 00:12:04.780 align:middle line:90%
No problem.

00:12:04.780 --> 00:12:05.280 align:middle line:90%
Thanks.

00:12:05.280 --> 00:12:08.430 align:middle line:90%
[APPLAUSE]

00:12:08.430 --> 00:12:14.000 align:middle line:90%