WEBVTT

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Pedro loved more women
than you can count.

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And when you think about it,
that's about the best exercise

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that you can get.

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He was incredibly handsome in
only that way Mexicanos can be.

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And Mexicanas, only a
Mexicana can understand

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this, or an intuitive gringa.

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[LAUGHTER]

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I can't explain this to you.

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The handsomeness,
it comes onto you.

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The sexiness, it hits
you between the eyes.

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And then, the more you
contemplate a man like Pedro,

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observe his mannerisms,
stare into his eyes,

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delight in his unique
smile and strong arms,

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trim waist, and
good legs, and watch

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how gentle and self-assured
he is with people of all ages,

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you will understand why
Pedro Infante means so much

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to me and to the other members
of the Pedro Infante Club

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de Admiradores
Norteamericano Number 256.

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[LAUGHTER]

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There was only one Pedro
Infante, and he was a real man.

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And I am very picky about men.

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I am not like Graciela
Vallejos, La Wirma's prima.

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She finds men like driftwood.

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You know, she can pick
up whenever she wants.

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And I'm not like Irma,
who's a little too finicky

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and rarely goes out on a date.

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You know, she doesn't
like men most of the time.

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They're too this, they're
too that, they're too desde.

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That is the word that my comadre
uses for "you know what,"

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"whatever."

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You know, he's too whatever.

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He's too desde.

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She says things like this.

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Oh, you know.

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Irma, Irma, listen to me.

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Tere, uy, listen to me, girl.

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Our president--
he's just too desde.

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Ah-ha-ha-ha, and
what about his wife?

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She is too desde about desde.

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Ay, and you know, our press,
they've just been too desde

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about desde and desde.

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You know?

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If you ask me.

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To Irma, men either smell
like Lavoris or pollo frito.

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They're only interested in
a woman's nalgas or chichis.

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They can't spell worth a damn,
which really bothers her.

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She met this CPA at La Tempestad
Lounge, Tino's la Tempestad,

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where we hang out, our
weekend stomping ground.

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And he gave her
her business card.

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Having scribbled his home
number, as a child would,

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his fingers clawed
around the pen

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while his other hand
held a can of cold Coors.

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Ooh-hooh!

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You can imagine what
he'd be like in bed.

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All fingers, and none
of them coordinating.

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[LAUGHTER]

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Hasn't he heard about
the Coors boycott?

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I never think about
things like that.

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Things that can make
or break a romance,

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like if a guy has
a nervous tic that

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eventually becomes irritating.

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Or if he smells too
much of aftershave

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that masks sour body odor.

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Irma notices the way men
smoke, or if they don't smoke,

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what they say about
people who smoke,

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or if they don't
cross their legs,

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or if they do cross their legs,
or what they think about people

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who cross their legs.

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The way they comb their
hair if they have hair,

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and if they don't have
hair, what they think

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about themselves without hair.

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How they tie their shoelaces
if they have shoelaces,

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or if they wear sandals, and
what their little deditos--

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their little toes-- look
like within the sandals.

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[LAUGHTER]

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I don't want to get all
philosophical on you, you know?

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Just because we're here in the
darkness and because we're here

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in El Colón and
because it's late.

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Although, I have to say, dark
and late are my best times.

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I talk to Teresina Ávila
who isn't gastada, apagada,

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and jodida.

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And I have this dialogue
that goes on in my head

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all the time.

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The other Tere, the dream Tere,
she still has sense and hope.

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And I keep trying
to help her out,

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but she won't listen to me.

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She's too busy watching the
movie of her life unfold

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in front of her.

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I turn to look at my comadre.

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The scene with the watch
has really gotten to her.

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Pobrecita.

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Oy, Irma, pass me the
popcorn, I whispered.

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What I really mean is
wrestle the popcorn away

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from your mother.

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Nyvia Ester, she always
ends up with the popcorn.

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And not only that, when we get
it back, it's always empty.

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And not only that, she
makes us go down all the way

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to the lobby, to
the first floor,

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for refills, where you have
to wait in line for about half

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an hour in front of a bunch of
short, horny, married, men--

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[LAUGHTER]

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--in super tight Wranglers and
Western shirts with rimmed BO

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circles, and thick, humpy
necks like Brahma bulls,

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who stand behind you
making that noise.

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Szzt!

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[LAUGHTER]

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Szzt!

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Szzt!

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Szzt!

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I am not going to go down.

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No, señor, it's
not going to be me.

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I am not going to get
the popcorn refill.

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I can tell that Nyvia Ester is
getting irritated with a woman

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behind us.

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She whispers, but
not very softly.

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(DEEP-VOICED)
Silencio, por favor.

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And the woman ignores her.

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Shht!

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She says.

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And the woman answers,
shht yourself!

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You got a problem?

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Nyvia Ester says too loudly.

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And somebody yells out,
Dile que se vaya al Diablo!

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Silencio, por Dios!

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Somebody else calls out, there's
children in the audience.

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Watch what you say, cabrona!

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[LAUGHTER]

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Things are getting very tense.

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[LAUGHTER]

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An old man, in what was once
an official-looking white shirt

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and pants, slouches his
way up to the aisle.

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And he taps Nyvia
Ester on the shoulder.

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He's the only
semblance of an usher

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that I have ever seen here.

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(CROTCHETY TONE)
Señora, por favor.

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Sientese, señora!

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Nyvia Ester turns around and
tells the woman who started it

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all, "Vieja--

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Everybody is talking at once
and singing to the music.

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And it's a hot summer night.

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And my legs stick to the
torn, humid theater seats.

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I don't even care anymore that
the woman behind us is talking.

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In here, nobody watches us
and tells us what to feel.

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