Last year, an entirely black penguin
was discovered in Antarctica--
true story.
And while that is--
apparently, there's like a one in--
I forget the number like 250,000 genetic chance
that you can have an all-black or an all-white penguin.
So it has happened before, but the media
kind of went a little crazy in talking about the discovery
of the penguin.
So the epigraph of the poem is from the Reuters news report,
and then I'll get into the poem.
So this is from a news report.
An all black penguin has been discovered in Antarctica.
It seems to be assimilating nicely.
[LAUGHTER]
And has even found itself a black and white mate.
Recently discovered all-black penguin
seems unafraid to defy convention.
Biologists say that the animal has lost
control of its pigmentation.
Other than that, the animal appears
to be perfectly healthy.
Look at the size of those legs!
said one scientist.
It's an absolute monster.
The all-black penguin speaks, "Seventeen Facts
You Did Not Know About Me."
One-- I was born here, raised here, met my mate,
and warmed my eggs here.
Two-- Fully ten seasons passed before you noticed me,
don't make them theories now, Johnny-come-lately.
Three-- Penguins are colorblind.
Four-- Fuck your bell curve mother fucker.
I know that's not a fact, it's an imperative.
Five-- Penguins deliberately don't read,
so we wouldn't have to learn words like assimilate,
like discriminate, like mutate.
Six-- We pray everyday.
It's a simple chant--
evolve, evolve, evolve.
Seven-- Can't you see it's getting warmer?
Don't you see the ice melting?
Eight-- I know the word rhetorical, bitch.
Nine-- I'm actually the same size as all the other penguins.
Ten-- You suffer from ocular Negro-phobia, the condition
in which all black things look really large and scary.
Yes, I know that's a fact about you, motherfucker.
Eleven-- I hate you.
Twelve--
[LAUGHTER]
I don't believe in the same God as you.
Thirteen-- Evolve, evolve, evolve.
Fourteen-- There are two other all-blacks.
We do not know each other.
[LAUGHTER]
Fifteen-- I'm prettier than you.
Sixteen-- I'm making up a song about you.
It's called Albino Mother Fucker.
Seventeen-- We have a few all-white penguins here.
We cool.
They hate you, too.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]