WEBVTT

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This next section
is called "Val"

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and this part is
entitled "Held Under."

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It's 17 years later.

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Val was running out of time.

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Was it already too late?

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Should he try to reach his
father in Connecticut again?

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The sun huge, white and
undulating overhead,

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Val was stabbed by a sudden
burning need for air.

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He pushed up and burst
the surface of the water,

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his backyard swimming pool.

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Before he could take a breath,
he was grabbed from behind,

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and a forearm crushing
his Adam's apple,

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legs locked around his waist.

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Val lost his balance and
was pulled over backward,

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submerged.

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Still trying to draw breath, he
sucked in water instead of air,

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gasped sharply.

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Suffocating and grabbing the
man sized forearms of his son

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with both hands, Val
yanked frantically

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at Michael's locked arms and
tried to slip beneath his grip.

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Michael held on.

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Val felt a stinging sensation
against his shoulder,

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and the two of them sank
to the bottom of the pool.

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Val sucked in yet another
convulsing mouthful of water,

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desperately drove his
legs against the bottom,

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burst the surface,
pushed as hard

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as he could against Michael,
and jabbed his elbows

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into Michael's stomach.

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With Michael's grip releasing,
Val escaped to the shallow end.

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Doubled over, hoarsely,
ludicrously gasping in loud,

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whistling inhalations
like a seal,

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Val struggled to get his breath.

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Michael surfaced beside him,
rubbing his arms and stomach,

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eyes hurt and enraged.

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"Jesus Christ, Dad!

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I was just kidding around!

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You almost killed me!"

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Still gasping for air,
Val shook his head no,

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coughing and half-puking
out pool water.

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In another few moments, he drew
a smaller, less frantic breath,

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another.

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As he started to calm
down, his throat opened

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and he could finally
draw in air and smell

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the sweet orange blossoms
and honeysuckle of late May.

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He became aware of the deep
penetration of the desert sun

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on the skin of
his back, tenderly

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probed his bruised Adam's Apple.

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"I had no idea you
were out here!"

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Val gasped and coughed.

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"And if that's your
idea of kidding,

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then I was kidding, too!"

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"Dad!

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You're, like, always
so fucking serious!

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Get your butt chapped!"

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Val coughed, managed
to whistle out,

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"You can use that
four letter word--"

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"Seven letters, Dad!

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fuck-ing."

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"You really can, if that's
the way you want to talk,

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but just don't do it
around me, Michael."

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At 14, Michael was
as tall as Val,

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had Davis's fierce strength.

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Val rubbed at a stinging place
somewhere high on his back

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at the same moment Michael
noticed and started

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probing a cut on his own chest.

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He looked at a diluted flow
of blood on his fingertips.

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"Look what you did to me, Dad!"

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Val took Michael's medallion
between his fingertips,

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felt the jagged sharp edges.

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It was a quarter
that Michael had

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placed on the railroad tracks.

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He wore the coin, a hole a hole
drilled through the middle,

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on a chain around his neck.

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Now, Val dropped the medallion
against Michael's chest.

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"I've told you the edges on
this are dangerous, Michael.

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It's like a jagged razor blade.

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Must have gotten
caught between us."

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"Must have been you!

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The way you just
tried to hammer me!"

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He rubbed at the
scratches on his forearm.

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"Look what you did to me!"

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Val heard the push of
the sliding glass door

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and saw Kazzie moving in
the shadows of the porch.

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Having heard the tones
rising from the pool,

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without knowing
what it was about,

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she pushed the flat
of her hand down

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toward the ground, a gesture to
diminish sound, volume, pitch,

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emotion, she stopped
abruptly as Michael turned,

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but before he could
see the gesture.

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"Little humor here, boys!"

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Seeing her walking toward them,
Val felt buffered, reassured.

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Fit from walking
and hiking, Kazzie

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had an easy, athletic grace,
which, Val had come to realize,

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was an extension of a
belief she had in herself.

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She had large, beautiful,
smooth hands, tapered fingers,

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a lovely way of handling
and touching things.

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Michael pulled himself
out of the pool

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in a cascade of splashing
water, and glaring one last time

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at Val, grabbed a towel.

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"Little humor for Dad!

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Butt-head!

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God, I hate him!

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And he's all, like,
such a hypocrite.

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He's always telling me
not to use that dumb word.

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Fuck.

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Fuck!

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Don't use the word fuck!

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But I hear him!

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He uses that word!"

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Michael stalked
across the grass.

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"Don't walk into the
house wet, Michael!

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I just did the floor!"

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Kazzie shouted.

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Michael slammed open the sliding
glass door with a loud bang

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and, dripping, walked in.

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"Michael!"

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Val shrugged.

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"You're yelling at him, Kazz."

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Kazzie shook her head.

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"He's the one who's 14.

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You can't both be 14.

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Humor is the only way
with them right now.

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The only way.

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I know it's hard, but you
have to remember that.

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Why do you let it
reach this pitch?"

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"God, Kazzie.

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Why do I let it
reach this pitch?

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I was taking a swim and
next thing Michael's got me

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in a choke-hold!"

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Kazz sighed.

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She knelt beside the pool,
half turned him around,

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touched a place on his back.

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"What's this?

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You're cut."

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"The flattened quarter Michael
wears got caught between us."

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She smoothed the edges of
the cut with her fingertips.

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She half turned him and kissed
his wet lips, regarded him.

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Her face softened,
became thoughtful.

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Her eyes filled with
water-light, green, speckled.

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"What?"

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"That streak of
silver in your hair,

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wet like this, the way the sun's
catching it, is beautiful."

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Val shrugged.

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"43 in a week."

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"Whatever else being 43 is,
it's kind of a privilege

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to get there," Kazzie mused
as she stared into the water.

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"And at least you've got
a full head of hair."

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She smoothed his water-slick
hair with her hand,

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kissed him, found his
lips and kissed him again.

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She started to rise.

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He took her hand.

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"Kazz, my mother hasn't called
while I've been out here?"

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"No, still nothing."

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"I don't want to miss her."

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"If we don't hear the phone,
the machine will pick it up."

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"If she's at the
hospital with my father,

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it can be hard to
get through to her."

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"Take your swim.

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Just try to relax
for a few minutes.

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I can get to the phone.

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It's OK."

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"I know she hasn't been
telling me everything."

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Kazz squeezed his shoulder
and stood, her knee clicking.

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She dropped a stack of mail
enclosed within a folded New

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Yorker onto a chair in the
shade beneath the olive tree

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and drifted over to
pluck dried leaves

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from the flowering red hibiscus.

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Val pushed into the deeper end.

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Long hair fanning out around his
face, Val sank into the silence

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at the bottom of the
pool, laced his fingers

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into the black holes
of the drain grating,

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and knew though the
phone call still--

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though the phone
call hadn't come yet,

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that he was running out of time.

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When he surfaced
again, Kazzie was

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sitting in a lawn chair
in the dappled shade

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beneath the olive tree, she
sorted the mail on her lap,

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then stopped.

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She frowned, thrust a
card in Val's direction.

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"Can you just read it to me?"

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He asked.

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She vigorously
shook her head no.

00:08:08.220 --> 00:08:11.160 align:middle line:84%
"Do I have to look at it
right this second, Kazz?"

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She continued to extend the
card and look beyond him.

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"Guess that means I do."

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Val pulled his top half
out of the pool and a flood

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of water, leaned across
the burning deck.

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His outstretched hand
trembled short of the card.

00:08:26.700 --> 00:08:29.160 align:middle line:84%
Kazzie stood and
thrust it at him.

00:08:29.160 --> 00:08:31.530 align:middle line:84%
Val pinched the corner
between his wet fingers,

00:08:31.530 --> 00:08:35.220 align:middle line:84%
and, sliding back into
the pool, turned it over.

00:08:35.220 --> 00:08:39.000 align:middle line:84%
The card didn't carry a
Salutation, none of them

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ever did, but just began as
if something once started

00:08:43.200 --> 00:08:45.780 align:middle line:90%
had never stopped.

00:08:45.780 --> 00:08:49.710 align:middle line:84%
The lack of beginning
implied a greater intimacy.

00:08:49.710 --> 00:08:53.490 align:middle line:84%
The cards were never
signed, also as if to say

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they were beyond that necessity.

00:08:56.730 --> 00:08:59.520 align:middle line:90%
This one simply said.

00:08:59.520 --> 00:09:02.850 align:middle line:84%
Dreamed of you again, you
were coming to visit me,

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you came in a boat.

00:09:04.620 --> 00:09:06.780 align:middle line:84%
Then you were
standing in my house.

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It was night.

00:09:08.220 --> 00:09:11.760 align:middle line:84%
You stood in front of the window
and even though it was dark,

00:09:11.760 --> 00:09:14.820 align:middle line:84%
I could see the
ocean behind you.

00:09:14.820 --> 00:09:19.860 align:middle line:84%
She had added in the lower right
hand corner in smaller writing.

00:09:19.860 --> 00:09:21.240 align:middle line:90%
I forgive you nothing.

00:09:21.240 --> 00:09:24.360 align:middle line:90%


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The cards had come in
flurries over the years,

00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:29.640 align:middle line:84%
with irregular
intervals in between.

00:09:29.640 --> 00:09:31.950 align:middle line:84%
They were always
postcards, never signed,

00:09:31.950 --> 00:09:35.880 align:middle line:84%
and they carried a simple
PO box as a return address.

00:09:35.880 --> 00:09:38.880 align:middle line:84%
They had been canceled
in North Cove, New York.

00:09:38.880 --> 00:09:42.960 align:middle line:84%
The messages were simple,
cryptic, often enigmatic,

00:09:42.960 --> 00:09:45.090 align:middle line:90%
like fragments of a dream.

00:09:45.090 --> 00:09:48.550 align:middle line:84%
There might be three or four
cards for several days, weeks,

00:09:48.550 --> 00:09:51.000 align:middle line:84%
or months, and then
nothing for years,

00:09:51.000 --> 00:09:54.930 align:middle line:84%
and then again, like a
seismograph recording movement

00:09:54.930 --> 00:09:59.130 align:middle line:84%
on a fault line, the
cards would start again.

00:09:59.130 --> 00:10:01.320 align:middle line:84%
They both fascinated
Val and filled him

00:10:01.320 --> 00:10:03.240 align:middle line:90%
with a kind of dread.

00:10:03.240 --> 00:10:05.310 align:middle line:84%
At times he had the
feeling that a picture was

00:10:05.310 --> 00:10:08.850 align:middle line:84%
starting to emerge, The
sense of which had--

00:10:08.850 --> 00:10:11.850 align:middle line:84%
the sense of which
just eluded him.

00:10:11.850 --> 00:10:16.020 align:middle line:84%
He remembered Davis had
once said, "Lee Anne never

00:10:16.020 --> 00:10:18.330 align:middle line:84%
lets anything go,
and she never lets

00:10:18.330 --> 00:10:23.070 align:middle line:90%
anyone get away with anything."

00:10:23.070 --> 00:10:26.760 align:middle line:84%
Val reread the card: you
were coming to visit.

00:10:26.760 --> 00:10:29.490 align:middle line:90%
You were standing in my house.

00:10:29.490 --> 00:10:32.070 align:middle line:84%
There had never been a
card like this one before.

00:10:32.070 --> 00:10:34.530 align:middle line:90%
Standing in my house.

00:10:34.530 --> 00:10:37.320 align:middle line:84%
It seemed to bring
something too near.

00:10:37.320 --> 00:10:41.400 align:middle line:90%
And, I forgive you nothing.

00:10:41.400 --> 00:10:43.050 align:middle line:90%
What was that?

00:10:43.050 --> 00:10:47.010 align:middle line:84%
But without being able to put
it into words, in a way he knew.

00:10:47.010 --> 00:10:48.930 align:middle line:84%
There had been a card
several weeks ago

00:10:48.930 --> 00:10:53.140 align:middle line:90%
with a single word, damage.

00:10:53.140 --> 00:10:58.030 align:middle line:84%
That, too, had stayed
with him for days, damage.

00:10:58.030 --> 00:11:00.370 align:middle line:84%
The word had turned
over and over,

00:11:00.370 --> 00:11:02.560 align:middle line:84%
slipped in and out
of his fingers.

00:11:02.560 --> 00:11:04.630 align:middle line:90%
Damage.

00:11:04.630 --> 00:11:07.060 align:middle line:90%
Damage coming to him?

00:11:07.060 --> 00:11:09.790 align:middle line:90%
Damage in her own life?

00:11:09.790 --> 00:11:12.370 align:middle line:90%
What damage?

00:11:12.370 --> 00:11:14.980 align:middle line:84%
Val carefully composed
his face and glanced

00:11:14.980 --> 00:11:19.510 align:middle line:84%
at Kazz, who watched him with
uncharacteristic resentment.

00:11:19.510 --> 00:11:21.340 align:middle line:90%
"I don't get it.

00:11:21.340 --> 00:11:23.620 align:middle line:90%
I have never gotten it.

00:11:23.620 --> 00:11:29.410 align:middle line:84%
Whatever your life was before,
we've been married 15 years.

00:11:29.410 --> 00:11:32.680 align:middle line:84%
You have a son, a
whole other life.

00:11:32.680 --> 00:11:35.230 align:middle line:84%
Isn't there some way
to put a stop to this?

00:11:35.230 --> 00:11:38.470 align:middle line:90%
Who is she, Val?"

00:11:38.470 --> 00:11:39.520 align:middle line:90%
"I've told you.

00:11:39.520 --> 00:11:40.570 align:middle line:90%
She was a girlfriend.

00:11:40.570 --> 00:11:41.740 align:middle line:90%
And that's all.

00:11:41.740 --> 00:11:44.380 align:middle line:90%
There's nothing more."

00:11:44.380 --> 00:11:45.820 align:middle line:90%
"What does she want?"

00:11:45.820 --> 00:11:48.070 align:middle line:90%
Kazz stared at him.

00:11:48.070 --> 00:11:49.720 align:middle line:90%
"I don't know."

00:11:49.720 --> 00:11:50.680 align:middle line:90%
Val shook his head.

00:11:50.680 --> 00:11:53.800 align:middle line:90%
"I honestly don't know."

00:11:53.800 --> 00:11:57.250 align:middle line:84%
"Somehow, somewhere,
you have to know.

00:11:57.250 --> 00:11:59.440 align:middle line:84%
A person doesn't keep
writing to someone

00:11:59.440 --> 00:12:03.550 align:middle line:90%
without his having an idea why.

00:12:03.550 --> 00:12:05.620 align:middle line:90%
She must want something.

00:12:05.620 --> 00:12:09.040 align:middle line:84%
Even I can see, and I
know nothing about her,

00:12:09.040 --> 00:12:12.010 align:middle line:84%
that she wants you
standing in her house.

00:12:12.010 --> 00:12:16.330 align:middle line:84%
That means she wants
me pushed out."

00:12:16.330 --> 00:12:18.640 align:middle line:90%
"Forget it."

00:12:18.640 --> 00:12:22.070 align:middle line:90%
"I might if I felt you could."

00:12:22.070 --> 00:12:23.920 align:middle line:90%
Val shook his head.

00:12:23.920 --> 00:12:26.410 align:middle line:90%
Everything he'd said was true.

00:12:26.410 --> 00:12:28.480 align:middle line:90%
Lee Anne had been a girlfriend.

00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:29.920 align:middle line:90%
Kind of.

00:12:29.920 --> 00:12:32.110 align:middle line:90%
He hadn't gone into detail.

00:12:32.110 --> 00:12:36.860 align:middle line:84%
No one really wanted to
hear about previous lovers .

00:12:36.860 --> 00:12:39.520 align:middle line:84%
Kazzie had been with other men
before they'd gotten together,

00:12:39.520 --> 00:12:42.310 align:middle line:84%
and Val didn't want to
know the particulars.

00:12:42.310 --> 00:12:44.590 align:middle line:84%
Kazzie slapped through
the rest of the mail.

00:12:44.590 --> 00:12:47.770 align:middle line:84%
She gathered her hair, pulled
it back from her forehead

00:12:47.770 --> 00:12:49.660 align:middle line:84%
and said with a
touch of contempt

00:12:49.660 --> 00:12:52.240 align:middle line:84%
and a country twang,
"What do you think, Val,

00:12:52.240 --> 00:12:55.510 align:middle line:84%
I'd be more interesting to you
if I dyed my hair black, cut

00:12:55.510 --> 00:12:57.370 align:middle line:90%
it short like KD Lang?"

00:12:57.370 --> 00:13:01.450 align:middle line:84%
She sang "Catherine,
Catherine, why do you--"

00:13:01.450 --> 00:13:04.075 align:middle line:90%
Val said, "Please stop.

00:13:04.075 --> 00:13:05.200 align:middle line:90%
I love you the way you are.

00:13:05.200 --> 00:13:07.833 align:middle line:84%
And I've never once
answered her, Kazz."

00:13:07.833 --> 00:13:10.000 align:middle line:84%
"How would you like it if
I'd been getting postcards

00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:13.570 align:middle line:84%
from some old boyfriend the
whole time we'd been married?

00:13:13.570 --> 00:13:15.580 align:middle line:90%
Someone you'd never met."

00:13:15.580 --> 00:13:18.730 align:middle line:84%
She mimed the
blankness of his face.

00:13:18.730 --> 00:13:21.760 align:middle line:84%
"Somehow, she knows
she's got something,

00:13:21.760 --> 00:13:26.290 align:middle line:84%
some hold on you, because
she hasn't given up!"

00:13:26.290 --> 00:13:28.900 align:middle line:84%
Val pushed off the
side of the pool, swam

00:13:28.900 --> 00:13:31.060 align:middle line:84%
across, hoping to
break the momentum

00:13:31.060 --> 00:13:33.160 align:middle line:90%
of Kazzie's angry mood.

00:13:33.160 --> 00:13:36.430 align:middle line:84%
He knew Lee Anne's postcards
were meant to disrupt.

00:13:36.430 --> 00:13:41.320 align:middle line:84%
And they did,
preoccupying him for days.

00:13:41.320 --> 00:13:45.580 align:middle line:84%
It was as if she were saying,
if I'm not free of something,

00:13:45.580 --> 00:13:49.740 align:middle line:90%
then you won't be, either.

00:13:49.740 --> 00:13:52.110 align:middle line:84%
Still, he told
Kazzie the truth when

00:13:52.110 --> 00:13:54.090 align:middle line:84%
he said he hadn't
spoken to Lee Anne

00:13:54.090 --> 00:13:56.400 align:middle line:84%
since they were married,
that he hadn't said

00:13:56.400 --> 00:13:59.640 align:middle line:84%
a word to her, though one
day several years ago,

00:13:59.640 --> 00:14:03.210 align:middle line:84%
someone, a woman, had called to
renew magazine subscriptions,

00:14:03.210 --> 00:14:05.670 align:middle line:84%
and the moment he'd heard her
southern accent he'd barely

00:14:05.670 --> 00:14:07.320 align:middle line:90%
been able to follow her words.

00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:09.780 align:middle line:84%
"A special rate of
$26 for two years,

00:14:09.780 --> 00:14:13.500 align:middle line:84%
and if you renew now for three
years, we throw in a blowjob."

00:14:13.500 --> 00:14:14.970 align:middle line:84%
Val had been
stunned for a moment

00:14:14.970 --> 00:14:18.360 align:middle line:84%
before he burst out laughing
and the person hung up.

00:14:18.360 --> 00:14:20.070 align:middle line:90%
Lee Anne?

00:14:20.070 --> 00:14:23.710 align:middle line:84%
As Val surfaced on the
other side of the pool,

00:14:23.710 --> 00:14:27.720 align:middle line:84%
he heard Kazz saying "and
you know something else, Val?

00:14:27.720 --> 00:14:30.030 align:middle line:84%
If someone kept
knocking on my door,

00:14:30.030 --> 00:14:34.170 align:middle line:84%
sooner or later, I might just
open it to find out why."

00:14:34.170 --> 00:14:35.490 align:middle line:90%
She stood.

00:14:35.490 --> 00:14:37.800 align:middle line:84%
"What I mean to
say here, Val, is

00:14:37.800 --> 00:14:40.800 align:middle line:84%
that if I were trying to
sabotage someone's marriage,

00:14:40.800 --> 00:14:44.220 align:middle line:84%
this is exactly
the way I'd do it."

00:14:44.220 --> 00:14:46.380 align:middle line:90%
She was right.

00:14:46.380 --> 00:14:49.020 align:middle line:84%
Perhaps the lie wasn't
that he'd done anything

00:14:49.020 --> 00:14:53.880 align:middle line:84%
or even admitted anything, but
that he wasn't indifferent.

00:14:53.880 --> 00:14:56.580 align:middle line:84%
The lie was that without
his understanding it,

00:14:56.580 --> 00:14:58.470 align:middle line:84%
Lee Anne was always
somehow there,

00:14:58.470 --> 00:15:00.900 align:middle line:84%
and he couldn't
say that to Kazz.

00:15:00.900 --> 00:15:04.880 align:middle line:90%
He didn't understand it himself.

00:15:04.880 --> 00:15:06.700 align:middle line:90%
Thank you.

00:15:06.700 --> 00:15:13.000 align:middle line:90%